Its my choice who is there when I give birth

[ShinyGreenElephant]

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

I think DSD should be able to see the baby at the same time as DD1 (step sister) and DD2 (I assume this is her half sister) seeing as the baby will be all the girls’ half sister. I think it’s a good idea DH is picking up DSD before the birth so OP isn’t having to look after a 2 year old and newborn. This will help create a bond for all the girls.

I disagree. I think it was be far better and make much more sense if DH goes to pick up DSD after the baby is born - say about day 5 when OP will be more settled with the newborn. Will it really make any difference to her if she sees the baby at one hour or 5 days? It will just be the first time she sees her very new half sister, regardless. I can fully understand OP not wanting an extra person in her home at this time. It would be different if she lived locally and spent a lot of time there. And of course, if she lived locally, she could stay in her own home and pop over not long after the baby is born. It’s the logistics that makes the situation harder than it would otherwise be.

@aSofaNearYou

"Left out" is really not as damaging an emotion as "watched against your will at the most vulnerable moment of your life", I am agog at the people who can't see that. Just have a fucking conversation with the child to explain it to her.

I was thinking this too... it may not be a case of DSD thinking "That's so unfair that I was left out!", but more a case of DD thinking "That's so unfair that I was dragged in and made to watch!".

Insomuch as it's your choice who's allowed in, it's also up to individuals whether they want to be there (other than DH, arguably).

Unless your DD has expressed an interest in being there, I wouldn't involve her.

Why should op's own children be kept away from the baby until their step sister arrives?

@Jacketpotato84

Just because she is giving birth.. people do it all the time you know.. does not make it all about her feelings and no body elses. The daughters the step will feel left out, the husband is clearly upset the op too. So theres obviously an issue here. My suggestion neither of the daughters present.

Have you ever seen anything of the mortality rates for women in childbirth over the centuries?

"People do it all the time you know" has got to be the most toxic and sexist thing that gets thrown out with regularity on MN, in an attempt to make women feel they should not need or expect support during labour, which is the most traumatic, risky medical emergency a majority of people ever naturally go through.

People die all the time too @Jacketpotato84. Shall we remind all of them of that on their deathbed so they stop making such a fuss?

Yet another woman having a baby with a complete loser. Why do we keep doing it?!

I would prepare myself for the possibility that your husband might just go and get DSD anyway. He's sounding like the kind of arse who would do that.

I think you should research other options in case he does, eg hospital, birthing units.

@Jacketpotato84

So the baby your having is your husbands i take it.. so your step daughters sibling! You are being unreasonable because ydont realised the potential long term emotional scaring your potentially inflicting on two young girls all because your pregnant, about to give birth so its all about you. Guess what. Its not. Its about your Daughters aswel how they feel, step or not. Your husband.. his child as well as yours! And the two year old.. witnessing birth really? And another baby brought into the mix. If this is the attitude you have on your family im concerned. Sorry not sorry.

Offs!

Have you not at least read the OP's posts?
No?
Then you shouldn't be commenting

Sorry, not sorry.

Goodness the lack of empathy on here. Sometimes it’s ok to put other people’s feelings first. If you model that, usually things work out. If OP said to DSD and DD ‘to be fair to you both, neither of you will be in the room’, that would be kindest. Then the DSD and DD might see how kind that is, and learn to be kind human beings. That’s how I brought my family up, and it’s worked out pretty well for everyone

Nanny0gg are you the ex?

@Youseethethingis

Also, just bare in mind that this situation has only come about because you both had children with other people and then found each other. No, this situation has come about because OPs DH is an emotionally stunted twat who would rather foist his child into a deeply personal and intimate time for the OP rather than manage her expectations that she should have the right to be there. To paraphrase the usual shit shovelled at SMs on here - “Surely be knew when he chose a woman living in the 21st century, with existing breasts and vagina, that him being allowed to see her naked body did not mean that he got to share it equally with his relations on pain of emotional blackmail if she tried to assert her rights to her own body?”

Erm, he wouldn’t be her DH if they hadn’t decided to marry, and therefore create a blended family. His being ‘an emotionally stunted twat’ is quite frankly neither here nor there. Also, that is someone else’s DH you are insulting

DSD's comments are definitely fuelled by her Mum. Can you talk to this woman OP? I doubt she wants her daughter there and even if she IS willing, you deserve the privacy you crave.

Just looking at this from another angle - you can't be certain that because your last birth went well this one will too. If you have to transfer to hospital, then your mum would reluctantly have your kids - reluctant due to the covid risk. Where would your DSD go? Or would your husband stay home to look after her and leave you to transfer on your own? In which case he really needs to think about his priorities here

Come on, I thought once we had children they were supposed to come first. Basically, as parents we don’t always get to do exactly what we want, do we? I said OP absolutely gets to choose not to have SDS, but she can also consider how it might make the little girl feel if her new siblings other sibling gets to be there and she doesn’t.

🤣🤣 You're really putting "come on" in front of that martyrish nonsense? No, unless their needs are life threatening during the labour, they do not come first.

OPs 11 year old is the most mature, supportive person OP has in the house. She probably won't want to watch but if OP feels she wants her to come in and she is happy to do so, then OP should have absolute freedom to ask for that without it being an open invitation to any of the other siblings. She doesn't have to consider how not being there would make anyone feel.

@Jacketpotato84

Nope you are wrong. Giving birth is 100% about you and your baby.

No one else’s wishes or feelings get priority over the welfare of the labouring woman.

Not her partner’s. Not her other kids’. Not her step kids’.

It is ALL ABOUT YOU.

Goodness the lack of empathy on here. Sometimes it’s ok to put other people’s feelings first
Why can’t the woman in labours feelings be put first, pray?
It’s it because she’s just a woman and giving birth is no big deal?
Or is it because she’s a step mother and therefore doesn’t deserve the consideration?
This is not a good thing for young girls to model themselves and their future worth on.

@aSofaNearYou

Come on, I thought once we had children they were supposed to come first. Basically, as parents we don’t always get to do exactly what we want, do we? I said OP absolutely gets to choose not to have SDS, but she can also consider how it might make the little girl feel if her new siblings other sibling gets to be there and she doesn’t.

🤣🤣 You're really putting "come on" in front of that martyrish nonsense? No, unless their needs are life threatening during the labour, they do not come first.

OPs 11 year old is the most mature, supportive person OP has in the house. She probably won't want to watch but if OP feels she wants her to come in and she is happy to do so, then OP should have absolute freedom to ask for that without it being an open invitation to any of the other siblings. She doesn't have to consider how not being there would make anyone feel.

No of course she doesn’t ‘have’ to do anything. She doesn’t ever ‘have’ to put anyone’s needs above her own, ever. This just isn’t the way I’ve chosen to live my life, and it isn’t the advice I would give anyone in RL so I’m trying to give the OP what I genuinely believe is good advice, and what I would say to anyone who asked in RL. Kindness breeds kindness.

Erm, he wouldn’t be her DH if they hadn’t decided to marry, and therefore create a blended family. His being ‘an emotionally stunted twat’ is quite frankly neither here nor there. Also, that is someone else’s DH you are insulting
Yes so they are married. And what? My DH has never behave in this way towards me, even though 😱 he has an older child who isn’t mine.
The “D”H is lucky that my insult was so mild.

@CutePixie

I think DSD should be able to see the baby at the same time as DD1 (step sister) and DD2 (I assume this is her half sister) seeing as the baby will be all the girls’ half sister. I think it’s a good idea DH is picking up DSD before the birth so OP isn’t having to look after a 2 year old and newborn. This will help create a bond for all the girls.

I don’t think either of the young girls should be present at the birth. Are the girls able to go to the kitchen and garden/outside without entering the room you’re planning on giving birth in? This will prevent them from accidentally coming in.

I disagree. Would you feel ok with someone you dont want in the room while you give birth just hovering outside the door instead? Its really not much better. From what OP has said, the child cant really be trusted not to enter the room anyway, and the father cant be trusted to stop her. So OP will have to be on alert for prying eyes while giving birth.

The kids don't all need to meet the baby at the same time. Just like all grandparents dont need to meet the baby at the exact same time. Not everything in life is perfectly equal and fair.

Once OP is comfortable, dad should take all older children with him to collect his kids, giving OP some time to relax with her baby.

Goodness the lack of empathy on here. Sometimes it’s ok to put other people’s feelings first. If you model that, usually things work out. If OP said to DSD and DD ‘to be fair to you both, neither of you will be in the room’, that would be kindest. Then the DSD and DD might see how kind that is, and learn to be kind human beings. That’s how I brought my family up, and it’s worked out pretty well for everyone

Oh my dear god, I feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall of stupidity.

You really think YOU are the one showing empathy?

"Sometimes it's ok to NOT put other people's feelings first, like when you are pushing a child out of your vagina, a procedure where a huge amount of women have died throughout history because it is THAT serious." There you go, I fixed it for you.

If your response to a woman IN LABOUR is "it is ok to put other's feelings first, you know" then you are literally the most laughably unempathetic person I have ever encountered.

The Op is giving birth which is already a stressful situation, honestly if the the SD is the type who goes home and tells her mother everything that goes on (and by the sounds of it she is) I would absolutely not want her there when I was at my most vulnerable. Of course it's your choice, don't be bullied into doing something you're not comfortable with

@Youseethethingis

Goodness the lack of empathy on here. Sometimes it’s ok to put other people’s feelings first Why can’t the woman in labours feelings be put first, pray? It’s it because she’s just a woman and giving birth is no big deal? Or is it because she’s a step mother and therefore doesn’t deserve the consideration? This is not a good thing for young girls to model themselves and their future worth on.

Absolutely none of the above. I am a woman, a mother and an advocate. I am also quite old and feel I have a little bit of wisdom to share. I just genuinely believe that for the sake of OP and her blended family, she should consider other people’s needs as well as her own. I have not once said she should have her DSD in the room when she gives birth, but she should consider how to make it fair for all the little girls. Women supporting women and modelling strength, kindness and consideration can only be a positive.

@aSofaNearYou

Goodness the lack of empathy on here. Sometimes it’s ok to put other people’s feelings first. If you model that, usually things work out. If OP said to DSD and DD ‘to be fair to you both, neither of you will be in the room’, that would be kindest. Then the DSD and DD might see how kind that is, and learn to be kind human beings. That’s how I brought my family up, and it’s worked out pretty well for everyone

Oh my dear god, I feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall of stupidity.

You really think YOU are the one showing empathy?

"Sometimes it's ok to NOT put other people's feelings first, like when you are pushing a child out of your vagina, a procedure where a huge amount of women have died throughout history because it is THAT serious." There you go, I fixed it for you.

If your response to a woman IN LABOUR is "it is ok to put other's feelings first, you know" then you are literally the most laughably unempathetic person I have ever encountered.

But the thing is, these are children we are talking about. Just children. If it were a discussion about OP having, say DM or MIL I would absolutely say that OP gets to have her DM and boot out MIL (I am a MIL by the way and would totally understand and hot foot it out) but these are little girls. Yes she is a labouring woman, but she is also a mother and a step mother and those children are still just children.

You’re saying that the OP isn’t the most important person in all this. Which makes you wrong, no matter how old you are or how many kids you’ve got.
What do you suggest OP does with her own children? Send them to the shed? Gets her mother involved?
All because DSD can’t just stay with her own mother until next scheduled contact?
🙄

I just dont think I could exclude dsd like this? Its her sibling too. Maybe have them both come in when baby is born

Therefore my advice would be for fairness, neither are in the room when their sibling is born.