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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
June628 · 08/02/2021 08:43

OP you’ve had some very weird comments on this post! I think people are struggling with reading by the looks of things.
I completely understand why you wouldn’t want your step daughter there. This is unnecessary stress for you and I can’t believe your husband is being so unreasonable about it and leaving you alone for the night to go to his mum’s! What an absolute man child!

everybodysang · 08/02/2021 08:55

@brewingno2

Sorry I totally get you don't want any children that aren't yours there but I've clocked why there issues between you two. So your darling daughter is 11 and the step one is 10? So your husband cheated on his ex with you and got you pregnant ! Only to then stay with the other one and get her pregnant as well! Before then leaving. No wonder the child doesn't like you no offence!

No children should be there it is a Traumatic experience for even adults let alone a child.

No idea how your planning your children will sleep through, it's fairly noisy. You may also traumatise the little one from being there!

this is a beautiful example of how anyone who says 'no offence' not only absolutely intends offence, but is also quite dim.
Arobase · 08/02/2021 09:02

@BlowDryRat

Did I read it right that you want to breastfeed your 10yo DD to help bring on labour?

This whole thing is weird Confused Your DDs don't want to be there. Your DSD is unlikely to want to be there either. You don't want her there (fine). Just say no kids until everyone's born and wrapped up!

I'm fascinated why someone would post something like this without checking that they had read it right.
Youseethethingis · 08/02/2021 09:09

Oh good this thread was real then, I didn’t just imagine it.
Honesty appalled by some of the attitudes on here.
Way to make sure 10 and 11 year old girls know their bodily autonomy only counts if it suits the man and what he wants. Great 👏🏻

derxa · 08/02/2021 09:10

What a mess.

halfwaythrough2 · 08/02/2021 09:13

@Arobase have you really read all 350 comments ? If so where do you find the time haha

drumst1ck · 08/02/2021 09:16

@Godimabitch

People saying the husband shouldn't be having a say in her birth. Yet this thread is also full of other women, telling OP that she shouldn't want her children in the room with her, that she shouldn't want a home birth, asking whether she's considered a midwife led unit, telling her their horror stories of birth complications to change her mind. OP, like every woman, can birth however she wants, not everyone screams through labour and is traumatised, and actually, the safest place for OP if she has an uncomplicated pregnancy and a history of uncomplicated birth, is at home.

If OP is comfortable for her children to see her labour, and they want to, then that is their decision, we need to stop perpetuating this message that birth is traumatic and horrific and terrifying, it just makes women scared. OP is confident that her birth will not be traumatic, that would be quite a good thing for her daughter to witness, a calm, safe, real birth, instead of what we see on TV of women screaming and people shouting "push" at her.

OP doesn't have to treat her DSD the same as her daughter, she is allowed to be more comfortable with her own child, its absurd to think that just because she married a man with a child that she now should feel the same about his child as she does her own. DSD isn't going to be traumatised by her step mum loving her own child more than her, she has her own mum, she doesn't want or need OP to be her mum.

THIS THIS THIS
Hettya · 08/02/2021 09:27

Are you going to have a midwife with you? Can you rely on her to keep people out? But it's entirely up to you who you have there. Noone else.

Namechangedzzz · 08/02/2021 09:28

DH sounds very self centred i.e. that it is easier for him to get dsd before. Does DSD know dh's plan? She should know before being picked up because she could vote with her feet and not come which would work out great for you

Arobase · 08/02/2021 09:31

[quote halfwaythrough2]@Arobase have you really read all 350 comments ? If so where do you find the time haha[/quote]
No, I read the OP's comments. MN really makes it very very easy to do. I suggest you find the time to try it, ha ha.

Alexandernevermind · 08/02/2021 09:34

This thread is full of absolute nutters. No one except for the people you want there should be in the same house as you whilst you give birth. Of course you aren't going to want a child who isn't your own with you. As a step mum you don't have the right to attend parents evening so why should her parents have the right to demand she watches you give birth? Weird!

catinbootsx · 08/02/2021 09:40

@derxa

What a mess.
Indeed. A depressing mess.
SoulofanAggron · 08/02/2021 09:46

I don't like the sound of him OP.

And of course you have the right to choose who sees your wanny and bodily functions. xxx

Lorw · 08/02/2021 09:47

Some people on this thread Confused. As a stepmum of three lovely boys who I adore, (granted they are boys but nonetheless) I literally cringe at the thought. Can you imagine! Your step daughter going back to her mum and telling her all the intimate details of your labour. Nope, nope and nope. I wouldn’t even breastfeed in the same room as my SC for fear they’d tell their mum everything and the shit it would cause. Your body, your choice.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 08/02/2021 09:50

FFS some of the people on this thread are nuts and can’t read.
I think it’s perfectly fine to not want your SD to be there-I wouldn’t want her there looking at the business end and reporting what my vagina looked like either. And that’s nothing to do with step or real, as I’m sure I wouldn’t want my DD to see either.

CutePixie · 08/02/2021 09:52

I think DSD should be able to see the baby at the same time as DD1 (step sister) and DD2 (I assume this is her half sister) seeing as the baby will be all the girls’ half sister. I think it’s a good idea DH is picking up DSD before the birth so OP isn’t having to look after a 2 year old and newborn. This will help create a bond for all the girls.

I don’t think either of the young girls should be present at the birth. Are the girls able to go to the kitchen and garden/outside without entering the room you’re planning on giving birth in? This will prevent them from accidentally coming in.

InkyPinkyPonky95 · 08/02/2021 09:58

omg how dare he not discuss it with you before inviting SD to watch!! you are at your most vulnerable when you're giving birth, it's an extremely intimate and intense time. it's not some pantomime show that you can just invite people to come and watch! i would be furious!

unmarkedbythat · 08/02/2021 10:00

If at any point in any of my births I had felt the urge to kick even DH out of the room I would have done so. I was giving birth, not providing entertainment. It makes me a bit sad that so many people think that someone giving birth should have to prioritise other people wanting to watch over what makes them feel better.

Holly60 · 08/02/2021 10:01

You absolutely get to choose not to have your DSD in the room. However I think that you should have one rule for all your children, therefore no daughters in the room when you give birth. It doesn’t seem fair that one of them will get to be there at the birth of their sibling, but the others won’t. If I put myself in their shoes, this would have been a big deal to me, and I would have been really upset to miss out on seeing my baby sibling born if the baby’s other sibling got to be there. Also, at that age I don’t suppose your DSD had the maturity yet to see what a personal, private emotionally and physically exhausting ordeal child birth is, and will perhaps just feel horribly left out.

I totally get this is your body, and your baby. However you are creating a blended family and these things stick and have repercussions down the years. One day you and your DH won’t be around, and it will just be the siblings.

Holly60 · 08/02/2021 10:05

Also, just bare in mind that this situation has only come about because you both had children with other people and then found each other. Your DDs and DSD did not choose this. They have had to get used to and accept a situation that is perhaps not what they would have chosen. Be kind to them. It may not be your ideal situation, but I’m guessing it’s not your DCs ideal situation either.

I’m not trying to be unkind, it’s just that life isn’t perfect and all we can do is be kind and thoughtful to other people, and then things have a way of working out for the best.

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 10:10

Also, at that age I don’t suppose your DSD had the maturity yet to see what a personal, private emotionally and physically exhausting ordeal child birth is, and will perhaps just feel horribly left out.

So explain it to her then? Is explaining something to a 10 year old really do hard you have to let them do anything, whatever the cost?

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 10:11

"Left out" is really not as damaging an emotion as "watched against your will at the most vulnerable moment of your life", I am agog at the people who can't see that. Just have a fucking conversation with the child to explain it to her.

Holly60 · 08/02/2021 10:11

@aSofaNearYou

Also, at that age I don’t suppose your DSD had the maturity yet to see what a personal, private emotionally and physically exhausting ordeal child birth is, and will perhaps just feel horribly left out.

So explain it to her then? Is explaining something to a 10 year old really do hard you have to let them do anything, whatever the cost?

Erm, people told me all about labour and childbirth before I had mine. I didn’t fully understand what it was like until I went through it myself. I told my DH what it was like. Not sure he really gets it though Grin
Holly60 · 08/02/2021 10:14

@aSofaNearYou

"Left out" is really not as damaging an emotion as "watched against your will at the most vulnerable moment of your life", I am agog at the people who can't see that. Just have a fucking conversation with the child to explain it to her.
If you read my post I’m not saying ‘therefore let her watch’. I’m saying you can’t have one rule for one sibling and one for the other.

Come on, I thought once we had children they were supposed to come first. Basically, as parents we don’t always get to do exactly what we want, do we? I said OP absolutely gets to choose not to have SDS, but she can also consider how it might make the little girl feel if her new siblings other sibling gets to be there and she doesn’t.

Youseethethingis · 08/02/2021 10:14

Also, just bare in mind that this situation has only come about because you both had children with other people and then found each other.
No, this situation has come about because OPs DH is an emotionally stunted twat who would rather foist his child into a deeply personal and intimate time for the OP rather than manage her expectations that she should have the right to be there.
To paraphrase the usual shit shovelled at SMs on here -
“Surely be knew when he chose a woman living in the 21st century, with existing breasts and vagina, that him being allowed to see her naked body did not mean that he got to share it equally with his relations on pain of emotional blackmail if she tried to assert her rights to her own body?”

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