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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 08/02/2021 01:49

Lord. Giving birth isn't a family event. It's the process of a baby leaving the body. The focus should be on what makes that easiest for the one going through the process.

Your DH can have whoever he wants in the audience when he gives birth.

CharlieParley · 08/02/2021 01:51

YANBU

Your body, your choice. There are only two people who must be at this birth, and that's you and your baby. Everyone else must have your consent.

And yes, if you had a whole football team of DC and wanted to randomly include a child and exclude everyone else: YOUR choice.

And if you had an entire football team of DSC and wanted to randomly include a child and exclude everyone else: YOUR choice.

That there may be a potential fallout from those choices does not mean you lose the right to make them. It's still your choice and yours alone.

I'm a little astonished at the posters who don't seem to understand what bodily integrity or consent are. They are paramount and yes, it's all about you, ShinyGreenElephant. And no one else.

As for having DD11 there, again, your choice if you want to give her the option. It terrifies some children, others are fine. I would show her the Lamaze video, so she knows, but she might still be scared. As for DD2, I would be concerned that she might be frightened to hear you in pain, even in early labour, without being able to truly understand why. Unlike DD11. But it's still your choice.

Your DH is being an arsehole in this, but I don't think this is grounds for divorce (if he's not usually one, I mean). The run-up to the birth is always a worrying time, and even more so right now. Whatever his motivation, he got this wrong, and I hope he realises this sooner rather than later.

But even if he grovels at your feet, that's no reason to ignore your instincts. They're telling you what you need to give birth. And you're wise to listen to them.

I hope it all goes as wonderfully relaxed as last time Flowers

earthyfire · 08/02/2021 03:04

I wouldn't want any child to be there, I think it would terrify my 11 year old.

BlueThistles · 08/02/2021 04:17

OP wants her children to have the choice... she knows they will
stay in their rooms... she cannot arrange child care so they will be at home by default ...

MyVikingLife · 08/02/2021 05:25

Your DP gets NO SAY in who you’re comfortable seeing your breasts, vagina and all the other bits, all while you will be in pain (now and then), and quite unable to control what is happening to your body. It’s a personal and private thing, and only YOU have the right to decide who can witness you in that state.

I personally wouldn’t want my other kids there either, but given that he’s not the one flapping his penis around and all the rest he gets no say and does not get to control who sees your body while you give birth.

LaBellina · 08/02/2021 05:50

Your ‘D’H is a dickhead.

How dare he try to dictate at such vulnerable moment who sees you, naked and in pain. This really is male entitlement at it’s worst. I was also shocked 😳 to read the horrific comments that your SD made about your appearance after the birth of your DD2. It doesn’t matter that she was a child or that these comments are actually coming from your SD’s mother. Anyone who talks so blatantly disrespectful to a woman who has just given birth should ESSPECIALLY not be present at your next birth. Your feelings are paramount to everyone else’s, fuck being nice and please everyone except yourself. To expect that from a birthing woman is a horrible example of misogyny.
I hope you’ll have a peaceful and safe delivery OP 🙏.

brewingno2 · 08/02/2021 06:21

Sorry I totally get you don't want any children that aren't yours there but I've clocked why there issues between you two. So your darling daughter is 11 and the step one is 10? So your husband cheated on his ex with you and got you pregnant ! Only to then stay with the other one and get her pregnant as well! Before then leaving. No wonder the child doesn't like you no offence!

No children should be there it is a Traumatic experience for even adults let alone a child.

No idea how your planning your children will sleep through, it's fairly noisy. You may also traumatise the little one from being there!

3rdNamechange · 08/02/2021 06:36

@brewingno2

Sorry I totally get you don't want any children that aren't yours there but I've clocked why there issues between you two. So your darling daughter is 11 and the step one is 10? So your husband cheated on his ex with you and got you pregnant ! Only to then stay with the other one and get her pregnant as well! Before then leaving. No wonder the child doesn't like you no offence!

No children should be there it is a Traumatic experience for even adults let alone a child.

No idea how your planning your children will sleep through, it's fairly noisy. You may also traumatise the little one from being there!

The 11 year old has a different dad.
Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2021 06:42

I know you don’t want a hospital birth. However, could you compromise with a midwife led unit? Perhaps your mil or mum (everyone wearing masks) could take you when the time comes and your dh could stay with all the children. He’s making some stupid decisions about your body and if he can’t respect your wishes, he isn’t going to be able to be there.

Hopefully his mother will have bashed some sense into him. If not, you have options.

WaltzingBetty · 08/02/2021 06:56

@brewingno2

Sorry I totally get you don't want any children that aren't yours there but I've clocked why there issues between you two. So your darling daughter is 11 and the step one is 10? So your husband cheated on his ex with you and got you pregnant ! Only to then stay with the other one and get her pregnant as well! Before then leaving. No wonder the child doesn't like you no offence!

No children should be there it is a Traumatic experience for even adults let alone a child.

No idea how your planning your children will sleep through, it's fairly noisy. You may also traumatise the little one from being there!

Perhaps try actually reading the OP's posts @brewingno2 rather than imagining scenarios that didn't happen just so that you can accuse her of things she hasn't done Hmm
Imworthit · 08/02/2021 07:07

Since when did:

Childbirth become a spectator sport?

COVID disappear?

And it become ok to show your step children your vagina?

There’s two different threads going on about people’s rights/privileges etc to see your cootch..... weird weird day

AStudyinPink · 08/02/2021 07:16

This all sounds so tense and potentially bad for the labour, I’d either go to hospital or send them all to a hotel.

SpilltheTea · 08/02/2021 07:36

I'd have been horrified at 11 if my Mum wanted me to watch her give birth. Why would a child possibly want to see that?

Cloudybeanie · 08/02/2021 07:48

Has he actually asked what his DD wants? I will be honest, at that age either mother or step mother giving birth in the house would be my absolute nightmare. I know that's not cool to say, and that it's natural, but I would really want somewhere else to go. And I say this as someone who has now seen hundreds of women give birth!

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to be more comfortable with her not in the house, it's one day out of many, as long as she is included with the baby after the birth (whatever time frame you are comfortable with), as sounds like you are going to do, then that's what matters.

Please also think of the midwives, logically if you are all in the same household it's likely you will all have it if someone has, but several people swanning in and out is unfair. I know it's your home, and many are choosing to home birth to get around the visitor restrictions, and that covid isn't the be all and end all; but there's no need for her to be there specially for the birth that you don't want her at anyway!

CodenameVillanelle · 08/02/2021 07:55

Good lord - the lack of reading comprehension on this thread! The OP is not only breastfeeding an 11 old but also cheated with her DH 12 years ago!

Savethewhales · 08/02/2021 08:07

When I gave birth to my first child there was around 15 strangers in the room with me including 2 midwives and a doctor, I agreed to a student who introduced herself to be there what I didn't bargain on was her classmates also brought in, in what universe did whoever in charge think that was a good idea. I was horrified, but after a while I didn't care I was to exhausted, the young student I intially agreed to was punted to the back!
giving birth should be a relaxing experience and you can have whoever you wish there. I suppose in your husbands eyes he'd want all his children there to see the baby first, he doesn't realise that isn't OK, I mean does the daughters mother know any of this she's probably spitting feathers also, have you spoken to her? It be fine after you've given birth and she can come round visit but I agree with you I personally wouldn't esp with children involved it's to weird.

Pebbles086 · 08/02/2021 08:16

@ShinyGreenElephant That all sounds very stressful. I would focus on yourself whilst giving birth and have your DH support you. I don’t think any 11yo would enjoy seeing a birth! You’ll be in pain and that 4th stage of labour is a little yuk!
Your DD will always have a nice memory of being in the house when her sibling was born. Let her be the first one to have a hug and hold the baby. Something you’ll both share and cherish forever.

C152 · 08/02/2021 08:26

@Pleatherandlace

Birth is NOT a spectator sport. Would he can take her to watch him get his prostate checked? No didn’t think so.
This!! In spades!!!
Lovemusic33 · 08/02/2021 08:26

Your dh is being a dick, it’s not his place to invite people to watch you give birth, yes it’s his baby too but he’s not the once pushing it out of his body.

Your DD’s are living in the house so it’s a bit different them being there, they don’t really have much choice but they do have a choice to stay in their rooms and not see the birth, you have a choice wether they are actually present in the room when you give birth.

I had a similar issue when I had dd but with step children coming to see her after I had given birth, I was really unwell (lost a lot of blood) and dh insisted I discharged myself from hospital so his dc could come and see the baby the next day. I was in bed with dd recovering and dh dragged the baby off me so his dc could hold her and feed her all day, I hardly got to see her until the dc went home later that day.

Dh is now my ex btw. He did the same as above when we had our 2nd dc.

I had a good relationship with my step children but I was always made to feel guilty if I didn’t include them in everything.

justilou1 · 08/02/2021 08:28

HONESTLY, he’s being a dick, but I’m wondering if he’s being a dick because he feels entitled to because he’s been set up for it. I’m wondering if you’re one of those couples that refers to the pregnancy as a “WE” thing.... “WE’RE PREGNANT!”, “WE’RE suffering a bit of morning sickness, but otherwise, WE’RE feel totally fine....”, “WE craved lots of orange juice last time, and this time nothing too dramatic, only WE can’t stand the smell of broccoli cooking in the house!”, “WE’RE planning a home birth with lots of fairy lights”... This overly-inclusive approach to pregnancy often implies that “WE” both have autonomy in the birth as well.... I’ve heard so many partners pipe in with “WE’RE having a drug-free labour”, like they’re going to win an Olympic Medal for participation, only to have the woman’s eyes go wide and her say “Fuck that, I want all the drugs!”

Couchbettato · 08/02/2021 08:29

What does the step child's mother say? Can she not talk some sense into your husband? Surely she knows it's not a spectator sport and can efficiently relay that to DSC

Godimabitch · 08/02/2021 08:29

People saying the husband shouldn't be having a say in her birth. Yet this thread is also full of other women, telling OP that she shouldn't want her children in the room with her, that she shouldn't want a home birth, asking whether she's considered a midwife led unit, telling her their horror stories of birth complications to change her mind.
OP, like every woman, can birth however she wants, not everyone screams through labour and is traumatised, and actually, the safest place for OP if she has an uncomplicated pregnancy and a history of uncomplicated birth, is at home.

If OP is comfortable for her children to see her labour, and they want to, then that is their decision, we need to stop perpetuating this message that birth is traumatic and horrific and terrifying, it just makes women scared. OP is confident that her birth will not be traumatic, that would be quite a good thing for her daughter to witness, a calm, safe, real birth, instead of what we see on TV of women screaming and people shouting "push" at her.

OP doesn't have to treat her DSD the same as her daughter, she is allowed to be more comfortable with her own child, its absurd to think that just because she married a man with a child that she now should feel the same about his child as she does her own. DSD isn't going to be traumatised by her step mum loving her own child more than her, she has her own mum, she doesn't want or need OP to be her mum.

Rachie1973 · 08/02/2021 08:34

Where will your little boy be?

FeedMeSantiago · 08/02/2021 08:36

Dsd lives 4.5 hours away and comes once a month if she feels like it. Shes shown zero interest in the baby other than telling me her mum says I'm likely to miscarry because I'm so old (34 btw).

Fucking hell, what an awful thing to say - I hope she was thoroughly reprimanded so she knows not to say something like that again. I know at 10 she wouldn't fully appreciate how unpleasant a comment it was but she needs to guided so she doesn't say it to anyone else.

The only person entitled to be at a birth is the pregnant woman giving birth. Everyone else (father, granny to be, medical team) is there at the mother's invitation. Your body, your birth, your choice.

DH doesn't get to choose who is there. He has the right to opt not to attend himself if he is invited to be there but doesn't want to be, but that's as far as it goes. He is behaving awfully.

I think OP's DD is being sensible planning to stay away in another room until baby has been born and cleaned up. I remember watching a childbirth video in Biology at age 11, it was horrible despite being a straightforward birth and that was just a video of a stranger, not a beloved family member.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 08/02/2021 08:41

If dad wants his daughter at a birth then he needs to work out how to push one out himself.

Just what I was thinking. OP, you’re not putting on a show for an audience. I wouldn’t have any children in the room, nor anyone in the house I wasn’t completely comfortable with. Having DSD there is a mad idea.