Its my choice who is there when I give birth

[ShinyGreenElephant]

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

Would you like to explain what that means or are you just being passive aggressive because i have a different opinion then you do on the matter.
Op asked a question, i answered it

annelovesgilbert seriously? You really think the sdc is a guest in the home of her DF? What bullshit. My DF who remarried told me to always treat his home as I did my mother’s home. I was always welcome. I didn’t need to be invited, and I didn’t need to ring the doorbell when I visited. I had my own room. I had my own key. Surely that’s the way most (decent) divorced parents operate?

YANBU. Your body, your birth, your choice.

But - are you really sure about a home birth? My first was a textbook labour, 10 hours, all good. The second the placenta wouldn’t come away, I haemorrhaged, and I avoided theatre and a blood transfusion only because I was in hospital and the right people could be called into the room really really quickly to sort it out. I would always totally advise women against a home birth.

@Jacketpotato84

'You are being unreasonable because ydont realised the potential long term emotional scaring your potentially inflicting on two young girls all because your pregnant, about to give birth so its all about you. Guess what. Its not.'

OP has never said she is insisting on her own DD being present at the birth - she has given her the option. And YES... while she's giving birth it is quite literally ALL ABOUT HER!!!

'Its about your Daughters aswel how they feel, step or not. Your husband.. his child as well as yours! And the two year old.. witnessing birth really?'

OP has clearly said numerous times said the 2yr old won't be present - read the bloody thread

'And another baby brought into the mix. If this is the attitude you have on your family im concerned. Sorry not sorry.'

If this is the attitude you have in life then I'm concerned about your family. Sorry, not sorry 🤷‍♀️

@Meggymoo777 and @aSofaNearYou thank you so much, I thought I was going mad!

I would prefer dsd not to be in the house until at least a few hours after the birth while I get myself together - the issue is that if shes here she could pop up at any moment and after his performance tonight I absolutely don't trust my DH to make sure that doesn't happen. To those asking why I'm with him - tonight I have no idea.

@o8O8O8o thank you so much ❤

You are being unreasonable because ydont realised the potential long term emotional scaring your potentially inflicting on two young girls all because your pregnant, about to give birth so its all about you. Guess what. Its not. Its about your Daughters aswel how they feel, step or not. Your husband.. his child as well as yours! And the two year old.. witnessing birth really? And another baby brought into the mix. If this is the attitude you have on your family im concerned. Sorry not sorry

1. Either you haven’t read the thread or you aren’t very bright
2. I don’t think you know what passive aggressive means

Just because she is giving birth.. people do it all the time you know.. does not make it all about her feelings and no body elses. The daughters the step will feel left out, the husband is clearly upset the op too. So theres obviously an issue here. My suggestion neither of the daughters present.

And now everyone is bullying me for having an opinion i hope you feel proud of yourselfs

@Jacketpotato84 can you please include a direct quote of where OP has insisted her DD must be in the room against their will. (You will struggle) I reckon I can find 10 where she explains her 2 year old can pop in for a feed during early labour, before she’s in the pool, and her 11 year old is staying upstairs with Netflix and headphones.

WTF would you have young girls in when you give birth ?

@Jacketpotato84 nobody is bullying you - they have a different opinion. You called them passive aggressive for having a different opinion, why can’t we name call back?

[quote ShinyGreenElephant]**@Meggymoo777* and @aSofaNearYou* thank you so much, I thought I was going mad!

I would prefer dsd not to be in the house until at least a few hours after the birth while I get myself together - the issue is that if shes here she could pop up at any moment and after his performance tonight I absolutely don't trust my DH to make sure that doesn't happen. To those asking why I'm with him - tonight I have no idea.

@o8O8O8o thank you so much ❤[/quote]
You're not going mad, but you know that already! It's so obvious and you seem a very intelligent woman so you don't need strangers on the internet to tell you this x

You know exactly what you want and don't want and it is completely and totally within your rights to lay down the law on this.

I'm shocked at your DHs behaviour and livid on your behalf.

I'm also totally disgusted by some of the responses on this thread - there are some complete nutters on here, it's actually a little scary....

I'll have a get out of this thread now because the reaction of some posters is actually disturbing me but I wish you all the best OP, I hope everything goes to YOUR plan - you've got this! X

[quote Chanandlerbong01]@Jacketpotato84 nobody is bullying you - they have a different opinion. You called them passive aggressive for having a different opinion, why can’t we name call back?[/quote]
I was referring to the person who called me unhinged.
And the person who said either i havent read the thread right or im not very bright.. i dont need to explain myself to you. Get off me.

To those asking why I'm with him - tonight I have no idea.

Well I’d hold onto that thought. Once you’ve had your baby, I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship. Personally I’d find it unforgivable that he’s acted like this at such an important time. I just couldn’t respect a man that did that to me and would struggle to see a future with him. You should be able to rely on him, he’s your husband. Instead he’s arguing with you about something he really shouldn’t be and acting like a child. I really feel for you.

Your body your choice.

But you can't dictate she's not allowed in the house. It's her home too. The room yes, but not the whole house.

All those who think the children shouldn't be in the house and will be traumatised, what do you think families have done about childbirth since the dawn of time?! It's only in the last 70 odd years that it's become the norm to have a hospital birth rather than a home birth.

YANBU OP. If you get on well with DSDs mum it might be worth asking what she thinks of DHs stupid scheme. I doubt she'll be too delighted with the plan either.

@TwelvePaws

To those asking why I'm with him - tonight I have no idea.

Well I’d hold onto that thought. Once you’ve had your baby, I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship. Personally I’d find it unforgivable that he’s acted like this at such an important time. I just couldn’t respect a man that did that to me and would struggle to see a future with him. You should be able to rely on him, he’s your husband. Instead he’s arguing with you about something he really shouldn’t be and acting like a child. I really feel for you.

Are you really encouraging someone who's about to have a baby to leave her husband because they've had an argument in the middle of a tense and scary time?

YANBU.

• your own children and a step child are different
• SD should come down after the baby is born, not during his/her birth
• it’s your birth and you should be the only person deciding who is there
• your partner should not be guilt tripping or pressuring you into something you don’t want to do when you’re at your most vulnerable
• you also don’t need the extra drama of his bitchy ex giving off at you when you’re cuddling your lovely newborn

There are a few fairly moronic posters on this thread, tonight. Anyone who thinks that her partner’s stepdaughter should be at the birth- if any of you are currently pregnant, please do set up a Zoom call for us all to join. We would all love to watch you give birth live on camera. It’s “only” childbirth, surely. What difference would it make?

Honestly. This obsession with being the “cool step mom” on here is going so bloody far. Being a good step mum does not involve putting all your personal feelings aside every single time for the sake of a child who doesn’t even want to be there anyway. Also, the comments she made, meant or not, are horrendously nasty and while she may be a child, I would struggle to forget anyone telling me that I’d most likely miscarry my baby because I am old.

OP’s wants win here. Simple as that.

YANBU OP. You get to choose. It’s your birth. I personally hope your idiot OH has been sent home with a flea in his ear from his mum and has apologised.

@Jacketpotato84

So the baby your having is your husbands i take it.. so your step daughters sibling! You are being unreasonable because ydont realised the potential long term emotional scaring your potentially inflicting on two young girls all because your pregnant, about to give birth so its all about you. Guess what. Its not. Its about your Daughters aswel how they feel, step or not. Your husband.. his child as well as yours! And the two year old.. witnessing birth really? And another baby brought into the mix. If this is the attitude you have on your family im concerned. Sorry not sorry.

You must be having a laugh?

I really don’t think the OP will take this tripe seriously. Even after you wade through the mass of text and re-read to work out what you’re even saying, you’re talking out of your hole.

Childbirth is only about mum and baby. There isn’t a “Sibling Zone” on a maternity ward, is there? It’s nothing to do with anyone else.

Secondly, well done for working out that OP’s husband is the father and therefore it is his child. 10/10. Furthermore, I highly doubt a 2 year old will remember much, if anything from the birth.

Now, please get off your pathetic high horse that you’ve placed yourself on, and re-join the real world. You are no better than anyone else here, and this holier than thou view of yourself does you no favours when you can’t even be bothered to write in proper sentences. You lost any sense of credibility before you even began.

You’re a really classless, individual. Picking on vulnerable women really is the lowest of the low. Disgusting and embarrassing.

@GreenSlide

All those who think the children shouldn't be in the house and will be traumatised, what do you think families have done about childbirth since the dawn of time?! It's only in the last 70 odd years that it's become the norm to have a hospital birth rather than a home birth.

YANBU OP. If you get on well with DSDs mum it might be worth asking what she thinks of DHs stupid scheme. I doubt she'll be too delighted with the plan either.

You'd get sent to the neighbour or out to play ffs. No need for children to witness that amount of blood and stress.

Of course it is your choice who is there and if it comes down to it yes, you can and should put your foot down rather than have someone at the birth who you are uncomfortable with.

However, I would suggest that you and DH think about how who you choose to include in an important family moment/ how you present that moment might impact your broader family dynamic. Because I think that if you continue to present this as DD11 and DD2 being allowed to be present for this magical fairytale family completing moment but DSD not being allowed then that is likely to lead to a perception that she is being excluded (certainly by DH, and possibly by her), which could be very damaging.

In practice, I think the solution is to stop describing the actual labour/moment of birth as some wonderful family event and to gently discourage DD11 from being present until after the birth (and could she not look after DD2 for a short period of time?). Fair enough if your DDs can't go elsewhere, but I think you shouldn't be discouraging them from coming into the room. Hopefully that will be easy, as you've mentioned that it is your dream for both DDs to be present at the moment of birth, and not something DD11 actually wants.

Storming out for the night when you could give birth at any moment and have a toddler to care for is really not on. He sounds like a dick.

Recieving comfort during labour from your 11yo daughter? If you need "comfort" during labour your husband should provide it, or a trusted birth partner that isnt 11yo

The birth is about you, but you shouldnt need comfort during labour from a child who isnt mature enough to give it.

Its not the home birth thats the problem (Ive had a few, no problem- kids slept), its the dickhead father and a mother thats so unsupported that she longs for her daughter's comfort during labour.

OP Call a friend or relative that are adult enough to enforce your boundaries , support you and make sure your wishes are carried out.