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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
sage46 · 07/02/2021 23:46

No way should ANYONE be at the birth if you don't want them to be. It is an intensely personal time. Your husband is treating it like a spectator sport.

ChestnutStuffing · 07/02/2021 23:47

@Youseethethingis

One of the most common emotional issues for step-children is a sense of themselves as outsiders Their emotional issues aren’t as important as the feelings and needs of a labouring woman. It’s up to the parents to make sure a child knows they are loved by them, instead of shunting the responsibility over to a step mother to accommodate even the most inappropriate demands in the name of SCs feelings.
I think the needs of the kids are on par with those of a labouring woman, actually, though one might be more urgent at some times. And no, being loved by your father is not the same as feeling you have a home with him and his other kids are all equal to you in terms of family life. And as much as your dad (or mum) tells you, yes, they love you just as much and want to have you as part of the family, actions speak louder than words. If the other kids are close in a way you aren't, you aren't going to think it is true.

But you are totally missing the point I made, and others have made, in any case. The OP doesn't need to have the SD in the room. She doesn't need to have the other girl in the room either. She just thinks it would be nice.

She can avoid making that differentiation very easily by not having either of the older girls there. Neither of them even seems to want to be.

By making it an issue of having one there but not the other she is marking a difference between the two girls level of intimacy within the family when it's not even a little bit necessary. It would be easy for this to be an occasion where the girls were both treated as members of the family

There is a huge gulf between saying she needs to have the step-daughter there, and she should treat both girls the same in this. She can do the latter without doing the former.

aSofaNearYou · 07/02/2021 23:49

Absolutely no words for the people arguing this is in any way reasonable and "the situation isn't just about OP".

You are in no way being unreasonable, it absolutely is about you and who you are happy to have witness this happen TO YOU.

Chanandlerbong01 · 07/02/2021 23:54

How rude not wanting to flash dsd your vagina in its full glory.

If your Mum is on standby to have your kids in an emergency, and is nervous about this, why would dh think introducing another household into the mix would help this situation. If you only see her monthly it is unlikely you will only be seeing the same people. Could you possibly isolate in advance for your mums benefit?

Eileithyiaa · 07/02/2021 23:55

My birth of DD turned into a bit of a family event. No idea how it happened. DM turned up (which was part of the plan anyway) but then DMs husband turned up, although DMs husband left the room whilst I was crowning thank the lord. DP and DM stayed for that.

Then when I was being stitched up, I looked up to find MIL hovering around the bed with full view of my battered lasagne. At that point I couldn't of GAF and was just like "oh hiya Shaz, how're you?"

It was only the next day I was a bit like Confused.

Onedaysomedaynowadays · 07/02/2021 23:56

Absolutely your choice.

But I've never had a homebirth and it's knocked me for six to hear you talk about having your other kids there. I had no idea that was something people did. I also have a 2 year old and she got upset recently when I caught my arm awkwardly on the door frame and yelped. She'd hate to see me giving birth, it would really scare her. Are you sure your 2 year old will be ok with it?

Jacketpotato84 · 07/02/2021 23:58

I dont think its appropriate for children to be present at birth not that age anyway. Maybe a mature 14-17 who really wanted to be there. You said your little girl is not bothered about watching you give birth anyway. Why make a drama out of excluding your step daughter, neither of them should see/hear that shit. Kindest not to have either there.

aSofaNearYou · 07/02/2021 23:59

The ludicrous notion that childbirth "isn't just about the mother" has got to stop. Childbirth IS about two people, the mother giving birth, and the child being born. It may be an emotional event for those close to those two people, but it absolutely is about them.

The constant push from some to remove the basic biological truth in favour of prioritising emotional equality and selflessness is so incredibly harmful to women at that vulnerable time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/02/2021 00:00

What you’re wilfully neglecting to consider ChestnutStuffing is that OP’s children live there full time and her SD visits up to once a month, so less than 12 times in a year.

Bang on all you like about all step children being neglected victims - though as a step child please don’t think you’re speaking for me - but this child is a guest in OP and her dad’s home, she doesn’t live there and rarely chooses to visit, so your impassioned bleating isn’t at all relevant.

evenBetter · 08/02/2021 00:02

The issue is the fact that your husband is trash. After trying to force one of his many kids (so many kids between you all!) to look at your labour, he has fucked off and opted out of parenting and being a husband. Vile.

Meggymoo777 · 08/02/2021 00:06

Jesus... for those that can't be bothered to read the full thread:

DH has 3 children - DD10 with one woman, DS5 with another and DD2 with OP

OP has 2 children - DD11 with another man, DD2 with her DH and another on the way.

OP has only said she'd spoken to her DD11 and IF DD11 changed her mind about being present at the birth then she was welcome, but the plan is for her to stay upstairs and watch Netflix though.

OP had a lovely, calm second birth and IF this one goes the same way believes it would be nice if DD11 was there - she has not insisted that she is and has said she's fully aware that things can and do go wrong.

OP has never said the DD2 will be in the room for the birth.

And for the love of God... she's not breastfeeding a bloody 11year old 🙄

Really irks me when there's people offering advice who haven't taken the time to actually understand the details.

ChestnutStuffing · 08/02/2021 00:07

@AnneLovesGilbert

What you’re wilfully neglecting to consider ChestnutStuffing is that OP’s children live there full time and her SD visits up to once a month, so less than 12 times in a year.

Bang on all you like about all step children being neglected victims - though as a step child please don’t think you’re speaking for me - but this child is a guest in OP and her dad’s home, she doesn’t live there and rarely chooses to visit, so your impassioned bleating isn’t at all relevant.

Right - what you're saying is it's just reality that the SD is not treated the same way within the family.

To some extent that's true of course, because she doesn't live there. Sometimes it's inevitable.

But rubbing a kids nose in it is a shit thing for a parent, or even a step-parent to do. And that's what this is. The OPs daughter isn't even that interested. It's not inevitable that this difference is highlighted in the family. She doesn't have to have anyone there she doesn't want. Feeling uncomfortable with having the SD there is not equivalent to some kind of need to have the natural daughter there.

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 00:08

@ChestnutStuffing The two girls have a different level of intimacy TO HER, the woman giving birth! Not "within the family", it isn't about "yhe family".

She knows she's not her bloody mother, if her dad was the one pushing the baby out and he didn't want her there, then there might be an issue worth her complaining about.

JFC I'm trying hard not to use the word "idiocy" on this thread.

o8O8O8o · 08/02/2021 00:08

Reading your face post again I cannot believe the way your husband spoke to you, he issued an invitation that absolutely was not in his gift, he then became aggressive and started giving you his orders
This is just appalling☹️
at a time like this when you are your most vulnerable he should have your back, should be fighting your corner
Instead he has become your opponent, you are having to fight your own corner against him
he is taking the opportunity to attack and dominate you when you're at your weakest☹️

Shmithecat2 · 08/02/2021 00:09

Who the fuck is voting YABU? Over 90 of you think that a women shouldn't have a say in who witnesses her giving birth!?!? Absolutely abhorrent. Where do you live, fucking Gilead?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 08/02/2021 00:09

My god I cannot believe he thinks he can just invite his daughter to your birth!!! It's not a fucking spectator sport. Disgusting behaviour

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 08/02/2021 00:10

I understand the idea being behind your DH wanting his daughter to be there, I think its actually quite lovely and caring that he wants her involved with her new sibling.

Caring my arse. He didn't factor his wife into this one but, just expected her to be a vessel for the amusement of his kids.

TwelvePaws · 08/02/2021 00:11

But I wouldnt need DH with me - I don't need him there at all, I just think he should see his daughter being born. But if hes going to be an arsehole then I can easily do it without him

I really don’t understand why you’re with him. You’ll have 2 kids together soon, 5 between you, yet he’s unsupportive and hes an arsehole at a time when he should be completely focused on your needs as you’re about to give birth to his child. What’s the point of being together? It just sounds miserable and lonely at what should such a special time.

Jacketpotato84 · 08/02/2021 00:12

So the baby your having is your husbands i take it.. so your step daughters sibling!
You are being unreasonable because ydont realised the potential long term emotional scaring your potentially inflicting on two young girls all because your pregnant, about to give birth so its all about you. Guess what. Its not. Its about your Daughters aswel how they feel, step or not. Your husband.. his child as well as yours! And the two year old.. witnessing birth really? And another baby brought into the mix. If this is the attitude you have on your family im concerned. Sorry not sorry.

Mamanyt · 08/02/2021 00:12

Can you split the difference? Tell him that she is welcome to be in the house, and can come in as soon as you and the new baby are fit for company?

But you are the only one with a say as to who is in the room with you. Period. Full stop.

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 00:13

But rubbing a kids nose in it is a shit thing for a parent, or even a step-parent to do. And that's what this is. The OPs daughter isn't even that interested. It's not inevitable that this difference is highlighted in the family. She doesn't have to have anyone there she doesn't want. Feeling uncomfortable with having the SD there is not equivalent to some kind of need to have the natural daughter there.

And what if, in her vulnerable state, OP wanted comfort from her daughter, who was happy to give it? Are you saying she shouldn't be allowed to have that, because it would be "unequal?"

People have birth plans for a reason, because while it is happening it can be hard to discuss such things. It is entirely reasonable and logical for her to state beforehand that if the moment arose she would be happy for her daughter to come in, but no other children.

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 00:15

🤣🤣🤣You are being unreasonable because ydont realised the potential long term emotional scaring your potentially inflicting on two young girls all because your pregnant, about to give birth so its all about you. Guess what. Its not. Its about your Daughters aswel how they feel, step or not. Your husband.. his child as well as yours! And the two year old.. witnessing birth really? And another baby brought into the mix. If this is the attitude you have on your family im concerned. Sorry not sorry.🤣🤣🤣

Congratulations, the most ridiculous post on Mumsnet 🍾

Meggymoo777 · 08/02/2021 00:15

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ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 08/02/2021 00:19

@aSofaNearYou

🤣🤣🤣You are being unreasonable because ydont realised the potential long term emotional scaring your potentially inflicting on two young girls all because your pregnant, about to give birth so its all about you. Guess what. Its not. Its about your Daughters aswel how they feel, step or not. Your husband.. his child as well as yours! And the two year old.. witnessing birth really? And another baby brought into the mix. If this is the attitude you have on your family im concerned. Sorry not sorry.🤣🤣🤣

Congratulations, the most ridiculous post on Mumsnet 🍾

Are you okay? Confused
ThatsNotTheTeaHunty · 08/02/2021 00:20

@aSofaNearYou

🤣🤣🤣You are being unreasonable because ydont realised the potential long term emotional scaring your potentially inflicting on two young girls all because your pregnant, about to give birth so its all about you. Guess what. Its not. Its about your Daughters aswel how they feel, step or not. Your husband.. his child as well as yours! And the two year old.. witnessing birth really? And another baby brought into the mix. If this is the attitude you have on your family im concerned. Sorry not sorry.🤣🤣🤣

Congratulations, the most ridiculous post on Mumsnet 🍾

Oh wait I think I've just realised you quoted someone else!