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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 07/02/2021 23:07

See I think the problem here is that you’ve presented it as some kind of beautiful, spiritual family bonding moment where all the family should be involved, and now your DH is asking why he can’t put the tickets on eventbrite. Like watching the winter solstice while you all sing kumbya, so it’s mean to exclude any of the family.

You’re having a serious medical procedure where things can-and do-go seriously wrong quickly. Where best case scenario there are genatalia and gunk and pain. Where worst case you may need urgent medical care in hospital.

Your children have shown no interest in being there for the “event”, like for most kids the idea is pretty damn grim. What happens under your current plan if you need to go to hospital?

Personally I think your kids should be with another family member, if your DH has gone to his mother’s in a fit then surely they could go there if necessary? It’s really not necessary to have them there, more beneficial for them, and by turning your birth into a family circus I can see why your DH would feel his daughter is being excluded. Although he has zero rights to make decisions about who is there to support you, or what makes you comfortable.

o8O8O8o · 07/02/2021 23:07

I find it very disturbing that this man is moving in on your bodily autonomy at a time when you are at your most vulnerable.
The most important thing is that you feel relaxed and safe & secure, he should be obeying your every wish at this time so that you can relax and nothing impedes you. I cant believe he is trying to coerce you and make this about sibling rivalry.
He should be smoothing things over with the kids himself not bringing it to you, getting defensive and giving out his orders!
ffucksake

TwelvePaws · 07/02/2021 23:08

Of course you should decide who is there when you give birth.

You sound like a very divided family though and your husband sounds like a childish prick. The whole situation sounds like a total nightmare to me. I certainly wouldn’t be bringing anymore children into this situation, it’s all very fractured and separate. Can you live like that?

EvilKinevil · 07/02/2021 23:12

OP, I’ve had two home births and your midwives at your home birth will ask you exactly what you want at the time. And you can say. “I need privacy and would like you to clear the room of everyone please.” Job done. They wait outside, they come in later.

5zeds · 07/02/2021 23:12

Have exactly who will make you happy and safe. It’s your turn.

Chocomel · 07/02/2021 23:13

Would your DSD's Mum be ok with her daughter watching you give birth? Because if not, would that be helpful back up for you? Not that you should need it, of course!

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/02/2021 23:14

IF it helps regarding kids attitudes to their mother giving birth, my son was 21 when I gave birth to his youngest sibling. He came home from work to me in labour and packed so fast to stay at his grandparents that I am surprised he didnt burst into flames!! DD was 16 and felt exactly the same way, she didnt even bother coming home from school. To this day I remember the message "I love you Mummy, I hope it goes ok. Ring me when its over xx" and then a follow up "I will get grandma to wash my uniform" :o

ChestnutStuffing · 07/02/2021 23:17

[quote ShinyGreenElephant]@Conundrumofsorts I'm not accusing her of any crimes! I love her to bits I do a lot for her and I enjoy having her here. We'd already planned for her to arrive 2 days after the birth which isn't an ideal time tbh as your milks coming in and you're bleeding and hormonal to have a child telling you you still look fat, you smell like blood and its disgusting, the babys ugly etc etc. That was what happened when DD2 was born but I sucked it up and got on with it because she is DHs daughter and has the right to meet her baby sister ASAP. She does not have the right to be there when I'm giving birth though, that's my choice and my choice at the moment is looking to not even include DH[/quote]
Yes, but the fact that you can choose who is there does not make it ok to differentiate between the children of the family in that way.

One of the most common emotional issues for step-children is a sense of themselves as outsiders. Sure, their parent says they belong, they are loved just as much as the others, etc. But always, it is clear that they are a guest, they are not seen the same way, their relationships are not as close or important as other relationships.

Given that you don't think your own older daughter is that interested it seems pretty pointed to make that differentiation between the two of them. Just one more way sd is not at home in your home.

DNHandTNS · 07/02/2021 23:17

YANBU to not want SD there. But you ARE BU to expect your daughter to be there when she clearly does not want to be.

Let your elder daughter look after your younger daughter (s) if she / they wakes while you're in labour. I was changing my siblings nappies and supervising them at far younger and this IS an exceptional circumstance..

I'd ban all kids until after the baby is born, personally. Why do you want DD11 to attend the birth when she is CLEARLY uncomfortable with it? Give her jobs to do like looking after the younger kids somewhere else in the house, instead. Then everyone can be happy and you don't have to have SD there.

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 23:19

@Rosetylersbiggun I think you've summed it up and made me laugh so thank you!

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy I am definitely guilty of having presented it in that way, I've had him stringing fairy lights about the place and made him listen to playlists with me. Dd2s birth was soooo calm and magical and I need to remember (without stressing myself out) that this one may not be!

In terms of family having them, MIL smokes in the house and has a big dog so they won't be going there, my mum is CV so will have the kids in an emergency only. There isn't anyone else. If I need to transfer after the birth I will go alone and leave DH with the kids. If I need to transfer before they'll go to my mums but shes very nervous about this - I've only seen her outdoors and with a mask on both of us since last March.

OP posts:
Tarantallegra · 07/02/2021 23:19

Gosh this thread is full of judgy posters. OP, strangers on the internet have no more right to tell you who should or shouldn't be there when you give birth than your DH. Good luck with everything and I hope you feel safe and supported throughout Flowers

Pebbles086 · 07/02/2021 23:20

Op do not have anybody in the room who will make you feel uncomfortable when you give birth.
I am still haunted by my MIL turning up to the hospital when I was in labour. Because she was in the room I told my “D”H to call my DM to be there too. It was an awful experience, I couldn’t focus on my contractions or enjoy any of my labour. All I could focus on was the thought I was half naked and screaming in front of my MIL.
Still makes me feel very angry and upset. I’d said all through my pregnancy I only wanted DH as my birth partner. My DM was fine about that and I knew MIL was a quite upset but never thought she’d disrespect my wishes and turn up at the hospital!
My only saving grace is my DS was born via EMCS under GA. So none of us got to witness his birthSad
This was nearly 5 years ago, pre-Covid days!
It’s your body, absolutely your choice.
Good Luck and I hope you have a beautiful home birth.

Youseethethingis · 07/02/2021 23:22

One of the most common emotional issues for step-children is a sense of themselves as outsiders
Their emotional issues aren’t as important as the feelings and needs of a labouring woman.
It’s up to the parents to make sure a child knows they are loved by them, instead of shunting the responsibility over to a step mother to accommodate even the most inappropriate demands in the name of SCs feelings.

pistachioglace · 07/02/2021 23:22

@Tarantallegra

Gosh this thread is full of judgy posters. OP, strangers on the internet have no more right to tell you who should or shouldn't be there when you give birth than your DH. Good luck with everything and I hope you feel safe and supported throughout Flowers
If OP didn't want opinions then she shouldn't have expressly asked for them in her first post. Stating she wants to canvass opinions on AIBU means the OP is going to get them and they might not be ones that she wants, such is life on AIBU.
Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 23:23

I mean if I transfer to hospital after the birth I will go just me and DD3. Not without her! But I wouldnt need DH with me - I don't need him there at all, I just think he should see his daughter being born. But if hes going to be an arsehole then I can easily do it without him

OP posts:
Redruby2020 · 07/02/2021 23:24

Hold on, your DH has a DD aged 10 from a previous relationship right, and then you say you two together have two DD's aged 10 and 11, what?!

24butfeeling80 · 07/02/2021 23:24

DH needs to realise your vagina isn’t a cinema and you’re not selling tickets to the theatrical display.

londongirl12 · 07/02/2021 23:26

@Redruby2020

Hold on, your DH has a DD aged 10 from a previous relationship right, and then you say you two together have two DD's aged 10 and 11, what?!
Read the posts again Hmm
Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 23:30

@dnhandtns sorry if I wasn't clear, my DD is planning to stay upstairs with headphones on watching netflix and wants me to text her when DD3 is born and there is no placenta to be seen. I've not put any pressure on her to come and watch, she doesnt want to and I wouldnt want her there for most of it as she would be a major distraction tbh. I've just given her the option to come and watch the very end if she changes her mind, assuming everything goes as smoothly as last time. She probably won't and I would never try to force her to, will be the last thing on my mind at the time! But I've spoken to her about it and told her its her choice so I don't want to now take that choice away.

@tarantallegra thank you ❤

@pebbles086 I'm so sorry that happened to you. That's exactly how I'm imagining this going with dsd there, followed by the first day of DD3s life being dominated by an absolute shit storm when she rings her mum and tells her about it and mum goes ballistic. No thanks 👎

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 07/02/2021 23:31

I have to be honest I think you’ve got a new age hippie moonbeam dream going on that’s clearly at odds with real life.

Your own DD has told you she doesn’t want to be there and you’re mooning on about how beautiful it would be. Listen to her.

I’d have no kids, but I would have my SD up with your own DD and a bolt on the door to stop anyone just barging in.

I feel, as a SM myself that to differentiate at, this point could cause long term issues within the family.

Bahhhhhumbug · 07/02/2021 23:33

Is DD1 your DHs child OP, or his stepchild? Because you told us he said you 'cant' have your dd there if he can't have his. So unless your DD1 is his child as well, how the hell does he think he can stop you?

MyOtherProfile · 07/02/2021 23:39

So has your DH recognised what a pratt he is being and changed his mind?

QueenArseClangers · 07/02/2021 23:43

He sounds an absolute arsehole.
He storms off to him mum’s? Hardly sees his other children? Shouts at you? Thinks he can tell you what to do regarding your body and labour?!

Why are you with him?

Reinventinganna · 07/02/2021 23:43

I don’t understand why people can’t read the thread to work out who’s who. Then they start clutching their pearls because they think you are breastfeeding a pre teen etc.

I would accidentally tell the dsd mum. Just a heads up Wink

Your husband is a knob.

Bahhhhhumbug · 07/02/2021 23:43

Sorry lve just read back and realised your Dd is the 11 Yr old and SD is 10 so presumably your DD1 is not his. I thought their ages were other way round sorry
So hang on a minute, who does he think he is forbidding your DD to be at your birth (regardless of whether she wants to be it's not his call)

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