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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Its my choice who is there when I give birth

900 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 19:50

Just had a blazing row with my husband so want to canvas some opinions as I'm planning to absolutely blow my top once the kids are in bed and I'm aware that I am extremely hormonal and could be over reacting. I'm due with dd3 in 2 weeks, having a home birth. Hes just announced that he has asked DSD to come and stay the week I'm due as he would like her to be there when I give birth. I said I'm not comfortable with her in the room when I'm giving birth (many many reasons but it boils down to I'm just not comfortable with it and wouldn't be at my most relaxed), and tried to explain in a nice way. He immediately got defensive and said well why are you comfortable with your own DD then? I said because shes my daughter shes part of me its completely different. When you give birth you can choose your own audience, this is my choice. He said well if I cant have dsd there youre not having your dd there. I said how about I dont have you there, that solves the problem, and I'm now upstairs absolutely furious but don't want DD11 upstairs to hear a row or DD2 who's still awake to realise were arguing.

For reference our DDs are 10 and 11 and neither of them will want to be in the room, but I want my DD to have the choice to come in if she decides to. DD2 will be there unless shes asleep when I give birth. There are SO many reasons I dont want DSD there but the main one is that the idea of it makes my insides curl up and I want to cry. So that doesn't seem conducive to a lovely relaxed labour. I'd 1000% rather DH wasn't there than DSD was.

Am I being an evil stepmother? She will NOT want to be there at all, this is purely DH being (imo) an absolute dickhead.

OP posts:
WaltzingBetty · 07/02/2021 22:36

I think the previous point is a good one. It's not appropriate for your DSD to be exposed to your genitalia and abuse.

It could be seen as a safeguarding risk.

Perhaps point out to your DH that it's a risk to his daughter - he might listen to that as he clearly doesn't give a shit about your feelings

WaltzingBetty · 07/02/2021 22:37

That should say anus, not abuse.

Norwayreally · 07/02/2021 22:37

I don’t think children should be there full stop. Obviously depends on the child but I think this could be quite a traumatic thing for many young children to witness. I know my DC would feel traumatised seeing me in so much pain anyway. Just don’t let any of the children in, it isn’t really a place for children.

Mischance · 07/02/2021 22:38

That is so hard. You are of course absolutely entitled to choose who is there when you give birth. But I can also see that you are trying to hold things in so there is not a big family row that might upset your DDs.

I think you should sleep on this and talk about it again when you are feeling calmer. Not that you do not have good reason not to feel calm!

Your OH should of course have told you that this was what he had in mind rather than presenting it as a fait accompli. He may have good reasons why he thinks this is right, but he should have discussed this with you and explained his side of things. Your reaction is from the gut - I can hear that - so you need to make your point somehow without it sounding as though you detest your SD. That could open a huge can of worms and lead to much unhappiness on all sides.

What a difficult situation for you to be in. Is there a compromise somewhere maybe? - SD can see the baby straight away with your DDs?

He has boobed here and there needs to be some way of solving this without too much distress and recriminations on all sides.

theleafandnotthetree · 07/02/2021 22:42

[quote ShinyGreenElephant]@Conundrumofsorts I'm not accusing her of any crimes! I love her to bits I do a lot for her and I enjoy having her here. We'd already planned for her to arrive 2 days after the birth which isn't an ideal time tbh as your milks coming in and you're bleeding and hormonal to have a child telling you you still look fat, you smell like blood and its disgusting, the babys ugly etc etc. That was what happened when DD2 was born but I sucked it up and got on with it because she is DHs daughter and has the right to meet her baby sister ASAP. She does not have the right to be there when I'm giving birth though, that's my choice and my choice at the moment is looking to not even include DH[/quote]
I know you keep saying you love her but frankly she sounds a horror. You're a better woman than I clearly

o8O8O8o · 07/02/2021 22:43

YADNBU

Passiveobserver · 07/02/2021 22:43

Nobody should hand out invitations to attend a birth, except the person giving birth.

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 22:45

@CutePixie DD11 is planning to stay in her room throughout, which is on the 3rd floor. She has headphones, a laptop and plenty of snacks so will happily stay there. The difference is that if it goes on for ages and she decides to come down, I'm fine with that. If dsd does, I'm not. It would make me nervous to know she might pop in at any moment.

In terms of including them both, DD11 lives with us full time. DSD visits once a month, often less as she prefers to stay home with unlimited screen time. She lives around 4.5hrs away. As DD2 has got older she is starting to show an interest in her and she does love her but its a different relationship and thats something I have zero control over

OP posts:
Ericaequites · 07/02/2021 22:45

Watching one’s mother give birth is too primal for children. Show them the Lamaze video instead.

o8O8O8o · 07/02/2021 22:46

I am completely and utterly shocked that your husband thinks he have any say in the matter

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 22:48

And to those asking DD11 has a different dad but doesn't see him at the moment. DH also has a 5yo son. He hasn't suggested having him at the birth thank god although maybe that's his next bright idea.

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 07/02/2021 22:48

Does your 'D' H usually storm out with no communication or indication when he'll be back when he doesn't get his own way?

He sounds awful.

Lollypop701 · 07/02/2021 22:48

I get your feelings. I understand your need to be at ease. The situation you are describing isn’t about Just you, because you have a blended family. So I understand your dh. If you’re happy to have siblings at the birth then this should include all siblings. You’ve asked your children but not his. It’s exclusive and perhaps not inclusive. You have asked your child if they want to be there. You haven’t asked dsd. It’s special for your dd to see her sibling arrival, but not her step siblings... but it’s the same relationship??? It’s a grey area tbh. You must do whatever makes you comfortable. Personally I’d choose dh only. Especially as your dd doesn’t want to attend

Pbur · 07/02/2021 22:48

This is so completely reasonable - YANBU! I would be so anxious at the thought too. The concept of perhaps being able to lock the door of the room where you are birthing for privacy might be a good way to ease any anxiety.

Godimabitch · 07/02/2021 22:48

Lots of people have their own children at the birth of their siblings. It's entirely the parents and childs decision.

The problem is, no matter how much anyone want to should about treating children equally, DSD IS NOT OPs child! Just like all grandparents should be treated equally except MIL is not OPs mother.

OP has the right to have her own mother at the birth without her MIL expecting equal treatment, I'm sure we can all agree on that.

OP also has the right to allow her own child, who she birthed, raised, bathed with, went into toilet cubicles with, wiped her bum etc etc etc while not allowing her DSD. It's her body, nobody has the right to see her naked, sweaty, bloody, in pain, and pushing a baby out of her vagina. Not a single person in the world, she could have half her family there if she wanted, she could have no one, not even the father of the child.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 07/02/2021 22:51

@o8O8O8o

I am completely and utterly shocked that your husband thinks he have any say in the matter
I'm not, loads of men still feel it's their right to have ownership over women's bodies. Look at how hard it still is to fight for abortion rights.
o8O8O8o · 07/02/2021 22:52

@ShinyGreenElephant

And to those asking DD11 has a different dad but doesn't see him at the moment. DH also has a 5yo son. He hasn't suggested having him at the birth thank god although maybe that's his next bright idea.
What does he think you are a new Netflix series Shock
MzHz · 07/02/2021 22:52

Well H can either listen to you or he won’t be attending the birth either

So this child lives 4.5 hours away... what if you go into labour early, I’m assuming you’re not making the 9+ hour trip with him...

Say no, mean no and insist on no.
Your h is batshit!

Youseethethingis · 07/02/2021 22:54

The situation you are describing isn’t about Just you
It literally is because only OP is giving birth 🙄

o8O8O8o · 07/02/2021 22:57

You shouldn't even have to defend or explain yourself no should be quite enough

o8O8O8o · 07/02/2021 22:59

@Lollypop701

I get your feelings. I understand your need to be at ease. The situation you are describing isn’t about Just you, because you have a blended family. So I understand your dh. If you’re happy to have siblings at the birth then this should include all siblings. You’ve asked your children but not his. It’s exclusive and perhaps not inclusive. You have asked your child if they want to be there. You haven’t asked dsd. It’s special for your dd to see her sibling arrival, but not her step siblings... but it’s the same relationship??? It’s a grey area tbh. You must do whatever makes you comfortable. Personally I’d choose dh only. Especially as your dd doesn’t want to attend
I think you've made a mistake perhaps you're talking about a family picnic
Cindie943811A · 07/02/2021 22:59

I presume OP that as you are having a home birth, that it won’t be induced? Then how can your DH be sure you won’t be giving birth while he is on the road picking up his daughter? Or maybe that would be fortuitous?

bellie710 · 07/02/2021 23:06

I have had 2 homebirths and even at the first one my mum who has had 4 kids was traumatised! So many things can go wrong and did at one of mine, luckily my youngest DD slept through it despite all the paramedics and midwives that were in the room, by all means let them come in at the end but I would not have them there at the actual birth.

EvilKinevil · 07/02/2021 23:06

@Summersummer22

You can have who you want at your birth OP.

I’m shocked to read your partners child is 10. I haven’t read your full update OP. I can’t engage with your first couple of descriptions as I assumed she would be quite a bit older. From your description... I’m glad I’m not anybody's step child!

When more children are created AFTER the existing ones FIRST it seems there conflict because those who come after seem to want to take PRIORITY!!

What are you taking about??
rosetylersbiggun · 07/02/2021 23:06

Gosh this thread has everything: people not being able to read assuming the OP is randomly going to stick her tits in a secondary school aged child's mouth to bring on labour, insisting on labour as a public spectator sport, expecting an entire household to be banished during a pandemic because simply being in the same building as a birth will traumatise them, and the amazing recommendation that the OP avail herself to one of the magical "spa-like birthing centres" that apparently dot the country which one can simply pop to on no notice whenever you fancy a free spa day.

I find it a little odd to be so fixated on a child being evil and manipulative. I rather think it’s a little girl who has some sort of trauma at being caught in the middle of a not very amicable situation with her parents.

The stepdaughter isn't a "little girl" she's an adolescent, and the OP hasn't described her as "evil and manipulative" just as glaring and making nasty comments, which describes most teenage/nearly teenage girls.

Why are you fixated on this girl and portraying her as an innocent tiny child, when she's clearly just a difficult bitchy (nearly) teenager? Most parents struggle with their own children when they reach that age. Not being thrilled that an adolescent is going through the eye-rolling, sarcastic comment stage (which all adolescents go through) isn't grounds for some kind of "well clearly you just don't LIKE HER OP" gotcha-type comment.

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