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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC left home alone

127 replies

mumof2sc · 07/02/2021 13:24

Posting here for traffic really but...
I have 2 DC aged 5&8.
I have shared custody (50/50) with my exH.

DC have revealed today that they are often left home alone in the mornings while he takes his younger DS to nursery. They've told me they eat their breakfast and then go to the living room and have instructions not to answer the door.
I also have concerned about the fact they tell me they often walk the dog with just their older step sibling who is 12. Both of them have had different (minor) injuries when they've been doing this. It's also not the best area and let's just say there are a lot of unsavoury characters around where he lives.

I'm not at all happy about this and would absolutely never leave my children home alone even if it is just for 10/15 minutes.
I don't have the best relationship with exH (despite my best efforts, he's just not prepared to be civil) and as a result i don't feel I can raise this with him as I know how he will react. I also don't want the kids getting it in the neck when they go back to him.

The 50/50 arrangement has been in place since we separated and I hate it. I'd never stop him seeing his children but I feel he's making decisions that are not in their best interests.
AIBU? Is this an over reaction on my part? If not, WTF do I do?

OP posts:
Gobbycop · 07/02/2021 13:38

Well, things can go tits up pretty quickly and could a 5 and an 8 year old deal with it?

I personally wouldn't be leaving them alone.

If you can't raise the issue with him then really the authorities can be the only option.

Stompythedinosaur · 07/02/2021 14:10

I think they are too young to be home alone, even for a short time. If there was a fire they wouldn't know what to do.

pinkyredrose · 07/02/2021 14:13

The dog walking shouldn't be a problem, how long are they being left alone in the mornings?

Cattitudes · 07/02/2021 14:16

Is the 12 year old there too? I wouldn't be happy if just with the 12yr old, but if only 8&5 yr old I would definitely not be happy. Generally we didn't leave ours until they were at least 10.

strawberriesontheNeva · 07/02/2021 14:17

Thing is though, you can't get involved in what dad does at his house during his time with his children. Courts really don't like a parent interfering with the others custody time. Also you only have the word of two young children , that's not proof.

steppemum · 07/02/2021 14:20

dog walking with the 12 year old should be fine, but only if the 12 year old really is in charge of the dog. If it is for example a large labrador, things can go wrong quite quickly.
So the question then is, does the 12 year old have a phone, and how sensible are they?

But home alone aged 5 is not on. At 8, if the nursery is round the corner, so gone 15 minutes, I might, depending on the 8 year old. But never at 5.

The NSPCC website has recommendations on this, that would give you an impartial standpoint to start from.

bellropes · 07/02/2021 14:23

It depends on the children really. Some kids could handle that whilst others couldn't. I was regularly left alone from a young age, but didn't get into any difficulties.

I guess these days it's frowned upon. I doubt the father will change his ways though. Perhaps you could get the eight year old a simple phone and he could text or phone you if he was feeling nervous or encountered a problem.

BonnieDundee · 07/02/2021 14:23

Thing is though, you can't get involved in what dad does at his house during his time with his children. Courts really don't like a parent interfering with the others custody time

Surely when it's a safety issue.though that's not just interfering with the others custody time?

Also you only have the word of two young children , that's not proof.

Not proof but enough to raise a concern I would have thought.

WorraLiberty · 07/02/2021 14:28

I think the 5 year old is too young to be left without adult supervision for the nursery run. I also think the 5 year old is too young to go on the dog walk with the 12 year old.

However, I'm not sure the relevant authorities would bother getting involved but I could be wrong.

Yellow78 · 07/02/2021 14:32

I would hate all of this as a 5 year old is still very young to be out with a 12 year old!

I wouldn’t leave an 8 year old alone,

I feel for you as it must make you feel so anxious. I would raise it with him that you are not happy about it.

He should not take it out on the kids that would be disgusting,

Bumpsadaisie · 07/02/2021 14:34

Too young.

I nowadays leave mine who are 11.5 yrs and 9.5 yrs for 30 mins while I pop out locally. They are sensible kids, get on well, and will be glued to their screens the whole time. I would leave them for up to an hour I guess. They have messaging on their iPads and can FT me/msg me and I them.

No way should a 5 year old be left. And what a responsibility for an 8 year old.

Yellow78 · 07/02/2021 14:35

@strawberriesontheNeva

Thing is though, you can't get involved in what dad does at his house during his time with his children. Courts really don't like a parent interfering with the others custody time. Also you only have the word of two young children , that's not proof.
Of course you can if you are concerned for the children’s welfare!
Bumpsadaisie · 07/02/2021 14:35

I wouldn't leave my 11.5 year old in charge of her brother if he were 5 and not 9.5 ...

Lemonsyellow · 07/02/2021 14:35

So there’s a 12-year-old there too? How long is the dad out of the house for? While not perfect, I think it’s OK. These are exceptional times.

Cheesyblasters · 07/02/2021 14:35

Hi OP,
Assuming you're in the UK, if we received an anon referral to social services to say that children that age were being left home alone we'd be going out to check on it. If the police had a call on it theres every chance they'd gain access to remove the children to take them to a safe adult. If there were no other factors involved for neglect then it would probably be a stern word to the parent and a couple of unannounced visits at nursery time to make sure that they weren't home alone, but we would take it seriously.
I know it might seem OTT to some people who might have been left alone when they were kids, but we'd see it as a risk to the children (risk of accidents/lack of supervision) and it's an unnecessary risk (there's no mitigating factors where a parent has made that choice because they're in an impossible position)

mootymoo · 07/02/2021 14:37

Is the 12 year old there too? If so it's not unreasonable to leave them home for short periods

ineedaholidaynow · 07/02/2021 14:39

Could you raise a safeguarding concern with their school?

Happycat1212 · 07/02/2021 14:39

I left my 8 year old home alone one and son told the school and school reported us to ss so yes they do take kids words and yes 8 would and under would be frowned upon. I wouldn’t leave a 5 year old but I didn’t see the problem with the 8 year old (it was 15 mins max) but ss did contact me to discuss it so yes they do take these things seriously

WorraLiberty · 07/02/2021 14:41

If the police had a call on it theres every chance they'd gain access to remove the children to take them to a safe adult.

Not for a 10/15 minute nursery run they wouldn't.

They'd obviously give the adult that amount of time to return home as a minimum, rather than turning up and taking the door off...

Happycat1212 · 07/02/2021 14:41

If the 12 year old is there then I don’t think it’s an issue though

ShinyGreenElephant · 07/02/2021 14:42

If the 12yo is there and they're very mature and sensible for their age its not great and I wouldnt do it, but I can see how it would seem okay in an emergency/ one off for 10-15 mins. On a regular basis - absolutely not and I would be having serious words about it. If its ever happened when the 12yo isnt there I would stop contact until ex can prove he has another system in place. Not in a million years would I allow that to carry on. Also, if I suspected my ex would punish the kids for telling me truthfully about something that happened in his house, he wouldn't be having any unsupervised contact with them whatsoever.

MadinMarch · 07/02/2021 14:42

Thing is though, you can't get involved in what dad does at his house during his time with his children. Courts really don't like a parent interfering with the others custody time. Also you only have the word of two young children , that's not proof.

Of course you can bloody well get involved with what happens at the other parents house if it's a safeguarding issue!
OP- you have to speak or email the children's father and tell him it's not acceptable to leave the children on their own, and that if he does it again, you'll involve social services. They will very clearly tell him it's unacceptable and will take any steps neccessary to stop it continueing.

AIMD · 07/02/2021 14:43

Can you call the police and ask for a welfare check at the time you know they would be left alone?

I’d be happy them being left at home for 19 mins with the 12 year old (presuming they are fairly level headed 12 year old) but not on their own. Kids that age get up to all sorts. My almost 5 year old and 6 year old tdecided they wanted to make toast the other day...fine with me but on their own I’d be worried they’d cause a fire or something.

WorraLiberty · 07/02/2021 14:45

Surely if the 12 year old was there, the OP would've mentioned it?

Skeeters · 07/02/2021 14:47

I started leaving my dd when she was nine and I was dropping the other one off at gymnastics. I wouldn't have left her in charge of a five year old though!

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