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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC left home alone

127 replies

mumof2sc · 07/02/2021 13:24

Posting here for traffic really but...
I have 2 DC aged 5&8.
I have shared custody (50/50) with my exH.

DC have revealed today that they are often left home alone in the mornings while he takes his younger DS to nursery. They've told me they eat their breakfast and then go to the living room and have instructions not to answer the door.
I also have concerned about the fact they tell me they often walk the dog with just their older step sibling who is 12. Both of them have had different (minor) injuries when they've been doing this. It's also not the best area and let's just say there are a lot of unsavoury characters around where he lives.

I'm not at all happy about this and would absolutely never leave my children home alone even if it is just for 10/15 minutes.
I don't have the best relationship with exH (despite my best efforts, he's just not prepared to be civil) and as a result i don't feel I can raise this with him as I know how he will react. I also don't want the kids getting it in the neck when they go back to him.

The 50/50 arrangement has been in place since we separated and I hate it. I'd never stop him seeing his children but I feel he's making decisions that are not in their best interests.
AIBU? Is this an over reaction on my part? If not, WTF do I do?

OP posts:
Jessicabrassica · 07/02/2021 16:50

If its any help I mentioned to the safeguarding nurse at work that I was planning on leaving my v sensible 11.5 y7 child home alone so I could go into work for half a day. She said it rang alarm bells for her. I booked dd into school. I think she'd be fine - but 4 hrs is a bit too long...

TheOrigRights · 07/02/2021 16:58

My ex used to leave my now 11 year old alone. He was 7 and 8.
Cafcass took it very seriously when we went back to court to change the contact order. Two issues - the safety of the child and that the child was scared.

I spent a long time reassuring DS that I would never leave him alone without telling him (e.g. to put the bins out, or pop to a neighbour).

One awful time I went for a late swim. DS was in bed, older DS (19) was at home but DS forgot, heard my car go and thought I'd left him. That broke my heart.

He's fine now, but his trust in those who he should be able to rely on 100% was blown for a bit.

TheOrigRights · 07/02/2021 16:59

@Jessicabrassica

If its any help I mentioned to the safeguarding nurse at work that I was planning on leaving my v sensible 11.5 y7 child home alone so I could go into work for half a day. She said it rang alarm bells for her. I booked dd into school. I think she'd be fine - but 4 hrs is a bit too long...
Wow. That seems over cautious.
TheOrigRights · 07/02/2021 17:00

The NSPCC were very helpful when I called them, unsure whether it was a safeguarding issue and how to proceed.

RedToothBrush · 07/02/2021 17:02

I'd raise it with the nursery as they will KNOW whether he is dropping the younger one without having the elder ones with him.

At this point you have a credible source that could back up your concerns and make it easier to raise with SS.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 07/02/2021 17:04

If its any help I mentioned to the safeguarding nurse at work that I was planning on leaving my v sensible 11.5 y7 child home alone so I could go into work for half a day. She said it rang alarm bells for her. I booked dd into school. I think she'd be fine - but 4 hrs is a bit too long..

Safeguarding nurse? I'm not sure she is right to say your year 7 child being home alone would ring alarm bells. This is going on all over the country. Year 7 children get themselves home from senior school travelling on public transport, catching the Tube, etc, let themselves in, while parents are still at work. It's totally normal for year 7s to be home alone after school for a few hours. There is no paid childcare for year 7s. What do you think parents of secondary age children do during the summer holidays? It wouldn't be good if they were being left all day every day for 6 weeks of the summer holidays, no, but a half day here and there is fine in my opinion. During COVID I really don't think there is anything wrong with leaving a year 7 home alone to do their online work for a half day. But it does depend on the individual child, of course. Maturity wise.

sassbott · 07/02/2021 17:10

I would have a huge issue with this as would most child professionals.
I have only just started to allow both of mine to stay home alone if I pop to the shops - so 30-40 mins tops. They are 13.5 and 11.

If there was an emergency/ fire would the 12 year old be able to calmly deal with it and remove an 8 and 5 year old? I would say no. As a minimum he should be taking the 5 year old with him.

sassbott · 07/02/2021 17:12

If its any help I mentioned to the safeguarding nurse at work that I was planning on leaving my v sensible 11.5 y7 child home alone so I could go into work for half a day. She said it rang alarm bells for her

Nonsense. At this age children are travelling on public transport/ crossing roads in London. No one bats an eyelid. That is far riskier than staying home for 4 hours.

RootyT00t · 07/02/2021 17:14

Without the 5 year old, maybe, but with the 5 year old in the mix both of these scenarios are ridiculous.

RickiTarr · 07/02/2021 17:16

@strawberriesontheNeva

Thing is though, you can't get involved in what dad does at his house during his time with his children. Courts really don't like a parent interfering with the others custody time. Also you only have the word of two young children , that's not proof.
You can if it it’s dangerous. Admittedly, OP needs to think carefully about how to approach this and what evidence she has, but she has options - for example - an email conversation with the dad about it might garner some confirmation.

She certainly shouldn’t shrug her shoulders and say “his time, his problem”.

Sally872 · 07/02/2021 17:18

I think the problem is different parents have different comfort levels.

Do the kids feel scared or upset? Are they likely to get up to mischief? If no to both then it probably is parental judgement and not neglect.

RickiTarr · 07/02/2021 17:21

@Sally872

I think the problem is different parents have different comfort levels.

Do the kids feel scared or upset? Are they likely to get up to mischief? If no to both then it probably is parental judgement and not neglect.

I think the question is would police or SS be happy with the arrangement if they knew of it? Or would there likely be child neglect charges? NSPCC helpline is very helpful with this stuff.
Hettia · 07/02/2021 17:22

Safeguarding nurse? I'm not sure she is right to say your year 7 child being home alone would ring alarm bells.

She's not right. Unless there is something about that particular child. My 11.5 year old could easily stay at home for that length of time or more, and does on occasion.

Theotherrudolph · 07/02/2021 17:23

I worked with kids in various volunteer capacities. If a five year old child had told me they were left at home unsupervised (the eight year old really doesn’t count) I’d have made an immediate safeguarding referral without hesitating. I’d be slightly more on the fence about an eight year old but would still have referred it for social services for them to make a judgement. There’s no excuse for his behaviour, he could easily get them up and breakfasted earlier and take them with him. Sometimes it’s inconvenient having little kids but that’s no excuse for neglect.

Wearywithteens · 07/02/2021 17:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

BlackeyedSusan · 07/02/2021 17:27

by the time they are 11 they are walking, bussing, biking tubing, training to school alone which seem s more dangerous that staying home alone.

definitely not good to leave a 5 and 8 year old home alone. (depsite it being normal in the seventies and teachers knowing about it)

Theotherrudolph · 07/02/2021 17:33

I was allowed to sleep in the boot of a car driving up motorways as a child in the seventies. We shared seatbelts, if we wore them at all. Times move on, attitudes to risk changes, people grow some common sense....

grassisjeweled · 07/02/2021 17:35

Yeah, not good op. No way should 2 kids of that age be left alone.

2oldforthis · 07/02/2021 17:35

Never leave any child alone. Never let them go out alone until they are old enough and even be careful.

Go to the courts and get an amended order ASAP.

grassisjeweled · 07/02/2021 17:36

Ah, the good old days!

randomer · 07/02/2021 17:36

utterly pointless refering to the 70's or other countries. We don't live in either of these. Its probably against the law. The children will let slip at school. They must talk to to other people surely?

RickiTarr · 07/02/2021 17:38

She was referring to the 70s precisely to make the point that notions of acceptable behaviour evolve.

Or is there a post I can’t see?

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2021 17:44

To be fair on days the 12 year old and partner isn’t there he needs to take them with him,

Don’t make a big issue of it, just text him and say that.

TheyIsMyFamily · 07/02/2021 17:44

Call social services on him anonymously.

And contact their school Head.

Pursue primary custody.

Original poster
mumof2sc · 07/02/2021 17:46

@2oldforthis

Never leave any child alone. Never let them go out alone until they are old enough and even be careful.

Go to the courts and get an amended order ASAP.

We've never been to court regarding custody. It was all agreed as part of our minute of agreement when we separated.
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