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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC left home alone

127 replies

mumof2sc · 07/02/2021 13:24

Posting here for traffic really but...
I have 2 DC aged 5&8.
I have shared custody (50/50) with my exH.

DC have revealed today that they are often left home alone in the mornings while he takes his younger DS to nursery. They've told me they eat their breakfast and then go to the living room and have instructions not to answer the door.
I also have concerned about the fact they tell me they often walk the dog with just their older step sibling who is 12. Both of them have had different (minor) injuries when they've been doing this. It's also not the best area and let's just say there are a lot of unsavoury characters around where he lives.

I'm not at all happy about this and would absolutely never leave my children home alone even if it is just for 10/15 minutes.
I don't have the best relationship with exH (despite my best efforts, he's just not prepared to be civil) and as a result i don't feel I can raise this with him as I know how he will react. I also don't want the kids getting it in the neck when they go back to him.

The 50/50 arrangement has been in place since we separated and I hate it. I'd never stop him seeing his children but I feel he's making decisions that are not in their best interests.
AIBU? Is this an over reaction on my part? If not, WTF do I do?

OP posts:
AIMD · 07/02/2021 14:49

@WorraLiberty

Surely if the 12 year old was there, the OP would've mentioned it?
Probably, just trying to be clear about the situation.
Nomorepies · 07/02/2021 14:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

Casade · 07/02/2021 14:50

I would apply the same rule as this; would I allow the child to walk to a local shop and back. If I wouldn’t then I wouldn’t leave them at home alone. Also SS would be concerned that an 8 year old is being left in charge of a 5 year old.

Original poster
mumof2sc · 07/02/2021 14:54

The 12 year old is not always there. I would have said in the OP if they were.

I may try to do it through the school to be honest. I have a good relationship with the school.
As a PP said, if it came from me he is very very unlikely to change his ways. It would take something/someone of authority.
It does make me incredibly nervous.
I agree that it's absolutely not safe - anything could happen.

OP posts:
Natsku · 07/02/2021 14:57

The 5 year old is too young, and wouldn't like the dog walking thing either, dogs are unpredictable. Not easy when it's a coparenting situation, hope you find a way to get through to your ex.

Original poster
mumof2sc · 07/02/2021 14:58

@Natsku it's quite a young pup, not even a year old yet so may has had some training but not much.
The dog walking bothers me less, but I still don't like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof2sc · 07/02/2021 14:59

@Nomorepies in my current job in working quite closely with some ss people so I could also seek advice from.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumof2sc · 07/02/2021 15:02

@strawberriesontheNeva

Thing is though, you can't get involved in what dad does at his house during his time with his children. Courts really don't like a parent interfering with the others custody time. Also you only have the word of two young children , that's not proof.
Would you apply the same logic if the children said they were being abused? His actions in my view are bordering on neglect. It would be irresponsible of my to ignore what's happening. I know my children well enough to know that neither of the two of them are mature enough to be left home alone. Accidents happen in a split second. They are left eating breakfast, what if one of them choked? It's a specific and unlikely scenario but not impossible and exactly why there are legal limits on how old a child should be before they are left unattended.
OP posts:
Original poster
mumof2sc · 07/02/2021 15:06

@AIMD

Can you call the police and ask for a welfare check at the time you know they would be left alone?

I’d be happy them being left at home for 19 mins with the 12 year old (presuming they are fairly level headed 12 year old) but not on their own. Kids that age get up to all sorts. My almost 5 year old and 6 year old tdecided they wanted to make toast the other day...fine with me but on their own I’d be worried they’d cause a fire or something.

My exH partner will sometimes be home on the mornings they are there. She works shifts as far as I'm aware. It would be just the thing that I'd phone for a welfare check and they would go on a day she was home. I know he's doing it for convenience. Baby to nursery, kids having breakfast at home before school - he gets to kill two birds with one stone. But in my view on the days when his partner is on shift and therefore not home, the kids should be in the car going to the nursery too, not left to their own devices in the house.
OP posts:
Stovetopespresso · 07/02/2021 15:06

op you need to raise it with him, its kind of 'your job imo.

Original poster
mumof2sc · 07/02/2021 15:08

@Stovetopespresso

op you need to raise it with him, its kind of 'your job imo.
Do you have any suggestions as to how to raise this kind of issue with someone who is a narcissist and has been emotionally abusive towards me? I understand that it's my job to do something about it, but raising it with him is not something I feel I can do for very good reasons. Hence my OP.
OP posts:
Hettia · 07/02/2021 15:17

I might have left one of my children when they were 8 for 10 /15 mins, not the others though. It depends on the child. I wouldn't leave any 8 year old in charge of a five year old. The dog walking, it would depend on the 12 year old, the dog, and how the 8 and 5 year old are.

EileenGC · 07/02/2021 15:17

How do the kids feel about it? How mature is the 8yo?

It's not ideal but I was left home for 4h each morning when I was 9 and my sister was 5. That was during half terms and other school holidays, our parents couldn't afford childcare or time off, and relatives lived 2000 miles away. A couple of times the neighbor (in a similar situation) would leave her 4 and 2 year olds in my care too.

I was a very mature 9yo and knew exactly what to do should there be an emergency. We lived in a block of apartments so very little risk of someone breaking in, plus I knew all the neighbours and could reach out at any point. Before we were ever left alone, I'd been buzzing the postman in for months, was comfortable making phone calls (and memorised important phone numbers - no smartphones back then), I knew where things were in the house and could handle the mobile radiators (no central heating). That's when my parents felt comfortable leaving me in charge of younger kids.

The 4h didn't make a difference after the first few days. It could've been 10 minutes or 4h and it was the same. I wouldn't be worried if the oldest was mature enough.

But if they're not, this needs raising. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your ex, can you inform the school? Is there another family member that handles communication between you two?

SunshineCake · 07/02/2021 15:19

The dog should have had plenty of training by now.

Stuff the law. My kids being left alone by an ex and they would not be going again.

randomer · 07/02/2021 15:20

I don't think either scenario is safe for the children.

independentfriend · 07/02/2021 15:26

So think about what knowledge the children need to have to be safer left alone at home.

  • what are they eating for breakfast? People don't generally eat eg. cubes of jelly, hot dogs, hard sweets, ice cubes etc for breakfast, so there's little realistic risk of anybody choking.
  • do they know how to get out of the house in the case of a fire [yes, children of 5 should know that this is the right thing to do and how to do it]
  • do they know how to use a telephone?
  • do they/you know the neighbours? - a relatively safe emergency strategy in most places is to knock on a neighbour's door.

Chances are they're basically going to be OK and this'll just be a story they tell their own children.

Sweet666 · 07/02/2021 15:26

A 12 year old is old enough to walk the dog with these kids... that is totally normal isn't it? How is it any different from playing out?

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 07/02/2021 15:28

I wouldn’t be happy either.

You have two choices - teacher your children how to stay safe or take it back to court.

Be careful what you choose - it’s surprising how vicious exes can turn genuine concern into an act of counter/parenting/child manipulation/parental alienation.

Whydidimarryhim · 07/02/2021 15:33

Hi OP can you get someone to write an anonymous letter to him re this. He need not know it has come from you but a concerned neighbour -he’s taking risks and needs informing about this.

copernicium · 07/02/2021 15:35

I left my 11 and 14 yo alone to food shop during lockdown and the police attended after reports.

MrsBrunch · 07/02/2021 15:36

Ask the 8 year old to phone when they are left alone and go and collect them.

Sweet666 · 07/02/2021 15:36

The kids are 5 and 8... they are not little babies, why is everyone saying it is wrong? You know this is normal in other parts of the world? And they are not being left for a long time only a few minutes, the same as if the parent was downstairs or upstairs or in the garden or whatever or if the kids were playing out... When I was a kid I would leave the house from 3 years old with other older kids and this was in a country a lot more dangerous than UK

Original poster
mumof2sc · 07/02/2021 15:37

@Sweet666

A 12 year old is old enough to walk the dog with these kids... that is totally normal isn't it? How is it any different from playing out?
Very in my view. They are walking a distance away from the house unsupervised. The play out when they are here but always within sight of the house. My 5 yo in particular is not allowed to go where I can't see him. I've already said that I don't think either of them are mature enough to be left home long. The 8yo mentioned it very casually to me as it has been normalised for her at her Dads but that doesn't mean she's ready to be left home alone.
OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 07/02/2021 15:39

Could you get your 8 year old to tell their teacher then maybe your ex could be contacted via that safeguarding route as he is very unlikely to listen to you

LunaLula83 · 07/02/2021 15:49

Phobe SS pretending to be a neighbour?

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