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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal for a step family?

542 replies

Dundee67890 · 07/02/2021 07:50

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 07/02/2021 10:46

Walk into the room and if they’re whispering make a loud but upbeat comment “oooh you two whispering again, that’s so rude” then out music on loud in the same room/carry on doing what you were doing in that room.

New rules - bedroom left tidy with sheets stripped. Door left shut for 2 weeks with no tidying (this would kill me but you need to make a point and stop it being cleaned by the magic fairy - hopefully it’ll be temporary when she realises how gross it gets in 6-8 weeks. Tell dh you won’t tolerate rudeness in your own home once a fortnight and g he needs to parent his dc - not an argument as there’s nothing to discuss (refuse further debate). He is responsible for dc room.
His actions will demonstrate whether the relationship is one that can continue but I wouldn’t be with someone who was so disrespectful about my feelings.

MissMarpleDarling · 07/02/2021 10:47

Leaving used sanitary towels on the floor is absolutely vile. That's not a normal teen thing OP.

Bluetrews25 · 07/02/2021 10:47

I don't think either of you should clean the room. I did my own at that age. This is her home, not a hotel, so she has to do her bit. And it's her own private space. You never know, OP, she might prefer you not to go in there, invading her territory. This is your house, but this part of it is her room.
Stop cleaning, and see if she feels 'safe' that it really is her space, and hers alone.
I've had stinky kids. Keep the door closed and ignore. They will clean eventually. Letting them do it teaches them a lot more than doing it for them in a fit of resentment.

Hopingformydb · 07/02/2021 10:48

I would stop all duties when she is there dont cook or provide drinks or anything. For her or DH they want their own private whispering gang then let them fend for themselves. When there's whispering immediately call it out and say STOP! As for leaving San pads that is absolutely disgusting and I would tell her to get them fucking picked up before she leaves in fact I would insist the bedroom is spotless before she leaves! If she doesn't I would scoop it all up throw in a bag and put it in her bag to take home. She's 17!! She's acting disgusting and childish. And the next time she comes round before she goes upstairs say it in front of DH "DSD please dispose of your used sanitary pads after use please and don't leave them on the floor" embarass her she'll soon stop.

Redwinestillfine · 07/02/2021 10:51

She's being rude and he should be stepping in. She doesn't have to engage with you much. She doesn't love you, she doesn't have to like you. You're not her parent and she may resent you for being there when she's having time with her Dad. Irrespective, a level of civility is required. She should certainly be clearing up after herself. Fingers crossed she'll have her own place soon and her Dad can visit her there and you don't need to be involved.

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 07/02/2021 10:53

Like others I would put my foot down about cleaning the room. This weekend Open the window , turn off the radiator and close the door . Just don’t go in to preserve your sanity. Then tell your husband what you have done .and why ,if he shouts at you ,walk away.
If they whisper at mealtimes leave the table and only cook for you the next . If they whisper in the living room only make drinks for yourself to bring in .

If she wants to behave as if you are not there and he wants to enable that then treat them as if you are not there and tend to yourself only

TreacleHart · 07/02/2021 10:53

At the age that she is now you should. STOP.
STOP cleaning her room, she can strip her bed before leaving. Supply a bin and tell her to put rubbish ( including sanitary towels ) and to empty it outside in the bin before she leaves. Tell your husband he and his daughter can cook a meal and clean the kitchen after when she stays.
She is in the wrong , he is in the wrong, and you are in the wrong for it to have continued for so long. Change it today.

ChronicallyCurious · 07/02/2021 10:54

You have both a SD and a DH problem. Whilst you’re excusing your DH part in this it’s never going to get better. Yes she is 17 and essentially a young woman but she has been allowed to behave like this and treat you like this for ten years so how does she know it’s wrong? You need to not clean her room because as far as she’s aware you’re happy to do it so of course she’s going to leave it in a mess. Whilst her dad is allowing her to treat you and your house like shit then of course she’s going to because that precedent has been set now? He needs to speak to her and you need to stop tiding up after her.

Youseethethingis · 07/02/2021 10:55

If you really can’t just shut the door and leave it, I’d open the window, febreeze the daylights out of it, leave everything exactly where she left it. If standards don’t suit her ladyship she can take her complaints to her loving Papa and he can deal with it.
You’re making life far too comfortable for both of them.

speaksofty · 07/02/2021 10:57

From a personal point of view I could not stay married to a man who showed such little regard for my feelings and needs. It would be the end for me. He clearly has no respect for you whatsoever if he is happy for you to clear up his dd's soiled sanitary pads. Contempt from both of them is the real source of the problem.

For me, this would not be an acceptable situation at all.

Hailtomyteeth · 07/02/2021 10:59

Stop cleaning her room just shut the door she can come back to a filthy room
This. No matter how bad it gets. If she leaves a mess, she returns to a mess.

And the pp who said it's a female rivalry thing is right. She wants to show that she's the fertile female, available for sex, and that she has more power over her daddy than you do. She probably wouldn't articulate it like that, she's behaving according to instinct and showing you she's the boss female.

Xerochrysum · 07/02/2021 10:59

Does she know you clean up after her? If so, don't do it and let your dh clean up. Maybe he realises how disrespectful she is.

Beamur · 07/02/2021 11:01

I've read your posts OP but not the full thread.
I think you're right, she comes to see her Dad primarily. It sounds like you have made lots of effort over the years and she is refusing to meet you even half way.
My DSD was similarly grim in her hygiene habits but she has always been sweet and friendly and her housekeeping has improved (a bit!) now she has her own house.
In your shoes I would definitely be cutting back on the work and mental load you are carrying. Stop cleaning her room, I can tell it bothers you and actually going in and stripping and freshening it, you are also making your home clean again but, neither your DH or DSD are facing the grot. Shut the door and tell your DH that you're not cleaning up after her anymore. She's old enough to bring out her rubbish and strip the bed. If he doesn't do it, it doesn't get done.
You are feeling put up and resentful and I can see why. Discussion isn't helping right now, so maybe just withdraw a bit. Don't be a mug and put yourself first. The time your DH spends with his DSD is important but you shouldn't run yourself ragged helping that for so little respect and appreciation in return.

BlueSuffragette · 07/02/2021 11:03

Sorry OP you have a DSD problem and a DH problem. Neither treat you with respect. Stop being a door mat and stand up to them both. Stop the whispering shit and get him to cook more when DSD is there. Tell ge to tidy the room. If she doesn't then leave it for DH to sort or leave it so she finds it as she left it. If you need to just open the window, turn the radiator low and keep the door shut. If she wants to live in a disgusting shit top room then let her crack on. Don't you touch it at all. Good luck x

AStudyinPink · 07/02/2021 11:03

She wants to show that she's the fertile female, available for sex, and that she has more power over her daddy than you do. She probably wouldn't articulate it like that, she's behaving according to instinct and showing you she's the boss female.

Grim.

Tigerstripe20 · 07/02/2021 11:06

I am a step mum of 15 years ( not the OW) when the boys were young they were very disrespectful and used to leave crap all over the place , not shower and generally treat me like a skivvy and DH didn't ever comment
I put up with it for a while then one day I totally flipped and told them I need downtime myself and they have to start clearing up after themselves and get showered as they need to.
Luckily DH backed me up and they pulled their weight and are now two lovely men in their late 20's
DH needs to back you up on this, dirty sanitary towels etc in the room is disgusting , she's testing you.
If your DH refuses to back you up you need to have a serious talk with him and where this is going, you deserve better and to be treated with respect by both of them.

Hagotcha80 · 07/02/2021 11:06

@Hailtomyteeth

Stop cleaning her room just shut the door she can come back to a filthy room This. No matter how bad it gets. If she leaves a mess, she returns to a mess.

And the pp who said it's a female rivalry thing is right. She wants to show that she's the fertile female, available for sex, and that she has more power over her daddy than you do. She probably wouldn't articulate it like that, she's behaving according to instinct and showing you she's the boss female.

This is a very dark leap
Tal45 · 07/02/2021 11:08

This might be a stupid question but is there somewhere obvious in the bathroom to put used sanitary towels? Does she know what she is supposed to do with them?
I think your DH is the problem here, he seems to be very poor at communication, the whole whispering thing is very rude, it's no good him getting angry the minute you raise an issue. You need to be a team and work together.

Yesmate · 07/02/2021 11:09

I would not be cleaning that room, as much as I would almost be able to hear the mess calling me! She leaves a mess then she needs to come home to a mess.
As for the whispering. If your DH won’t say anything then you need to. It’s your house and how dare you be disrespected in it. A simple “please don’t whisper, it’s rude” every time should do it after a while.
No meals and snacks in her room, she wants to eat then she eats at the table like a respectful young woman.

Hagotcha80 · 07/02/2021 11:10

* This might be a stupid question but is there somewhere obvious in the bathroom to put used sanitary towels? Does she know what she is supposed to do with them? *

I don’t mean to harsh
But that is a stupid question

Tal45 · 07/02/2021 11:10

(I'm assuming they can't just be flushed as they block the toilet/drains)

Tal45 · 07/02/2021 11:11

@Hagotcha80

* This might be a stupid question but is there somewhere obvious in the bathroom to put used sanitary towels? Does she know what she is supposed to do with them? *

I don’t mean to harsh
But that is a stupid question

Why? What do you do with them? We can't flush them as they block the drains. If there's no bin to put them in I wouldn't know what to do with them either. Or and you passively aggressively obviously did mean to be harsh.
Hopingformydb · 07/02/2021 11:14

Hailtomyteeth
And the pp who said it's a female rivalry thing is right. She wants to show that she's the fertile fema**le, available for sex, and that she has more power over her daddy than you do. She probably wouldn't articulate it like that, she's behaving according to instinct and showing you she's the boss female.

Wow this is a bit extreme. I think its purely disrespect and lack of hygiene

Hagotcha80 · 07/02/2021 11:15

She’s had her periods for 7/7/5/4 years?

If she didn’t know she could have asked
If she felt embarrassed to ask, wrap them in toilet roll and put in any bin in the house
Bring or buy sanitary bags and pop in there and then in a bin in the house
Worst case scenario, wrap up and take back to your mum’s

You obviously suspected it was a stupid question otherwise why did you say say “this might be a stupid question”

I was just confirming that it was.

Tal45 · 07/02/2021 11:16

If you have a bin for sanitary towels OP why don't you just ask her to use it in future?

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