Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

I would just buy her a bin and tell her to put the used sanitary protection in there.
For me, the whispering would drive me mad. Its excluding you (interestingly exclusion is often categorised as bullying). What exactly are they saying that cannot be said in your earshot? In your own home?
No chance. I would actually leave if that did not stop immediately.

Stop enabling them both! If you act like a doormat you'll be treated like one. Stand up for yourself and have some self respect.

@DinosaurDiana

Does she have a boyfriend/girlfriend ? Does she actually want to come and stay with you ? I spent years going out with my dad on a Sunday because I didn’t know how to say that I didn’t want to go anymore.

I wondered this

It doesn't justify her disgusting behaviour (she's old enough to know better!), but is she being made to visit EOW? My DS is 17 and now sees his Dad when he wants to, no longer has an EOW routine. Ex changed it to that to acknowledge that DS has a life away from family (friends/work ) that meant being several miles away EOW was upsetting him.

Sadly on the back of it he doesn't see much of his Dad - his choice - but when he does his time with him seems better and happier.

It's just a thought. If she is going to you happily then I don't really know what you do, but she needs to buck up her ideas!!

Sounds like neither you or her have bothered to try to form a relationship. Probably too late now after all these years, but it would help if you built up a rapport and the issue with her room can be discussed. Her DF is not going to discuss it with her, clearly, so you need to take it into your own hands. Maybe she stays in her room because she feels the resentment from you and tries staying out of the way? Try forming a friendship with her, then it will be easier to address the issues.

Sorry OP, this reply is to PPs not to you.
Why are you all still giving the OP your advice, which is mostly the same, and IMO the obvious and sensible advice? OP, says thank you for the helpful advice, but has not once mentioned that she will even try taking your advice. The OP just keeps on pointing out that her sensibilities are just too damaged by the smelly and dirty room, and those very unhygienic used sanitary towels to be able to just leave them up to her DH to clear up when he notices (I am quite sure that he wouldn't notice at all, because he doesn't want to have to deal with such a disgusting mess - and he is probably worried that his own sensibilities would be too adversely affected by his DD's used sanitary towels), or God forbid, actually leave the room exactly as it is for DSD to return to in two weeks time. So if the OP is not willing to even try telling her husband as soon as he gets back from dropping his DD off, that he has to clean the room now, and is also not willing to leave the room alone, with the door firmly shut, for her DSD's return in a fortnight, then you are all just wasting your time - probably just like I am doing now!

The issue with you cleaning her room is that you DH is not seeing the reality of her behaviour.

Leave it shut the door and leave i, let him see how disrespectful she is, let him tell her off and let hims start to be a father.

Sorry I know you said it snot constructive but he is her problem here.

He should be saying DD, you respect my wife, my home and my rules.

@Bl3ss3dm0m

Sorry OP, this reply is to PPs not to you. Why are you all still giving the OP your advice, which is mostly the same, and IMO the obvious and sensible advice? OP, says thank you for the helpful advice, but has not once mentioned that she will even try taking your advice. The OP just keeps on pointing out that her sensibilities are just too damaged by the smelly and dirty room, and those very unhygienic used sanitary towels to be able to just leave them up to her DH to clear up when he notices (I am quite sure that he wouldn't notice at all, because he doesn't want to have to deal with such a disgusting mess - and he is probably worried that his own sensibilities would be too adversely affected by his DD's used sanitary towels), or God forbid, actually leave the room exactly as it is for DSD to return to in two weeks time. So if the OP is not willing to even try telling her husband as soon as he gets back from dropping his DD off, that he has to clean the room now, and is also not willing to leave the room alone, with the door firmly shut, for her DSD's return in a fortnight, then you are all just wasting your time - probably just like I am doing now!

I agree.

You are working 50 plus hours a week in a very demanding job, what comfort and joy is dh bringing to your life?

It is obvious what you bring to the table, a good income, a clean and loving home, you are kind to his dc, what exactly is he doing for you op?

I agree @Bl3ss3dm0m . The OP needs to make some changes if she wants the situation to improve.

I've got two teenage daughters and they are messy and they do like to be in their rooms and they do sleep a lot.

I've got a husband too but he doesn't shout at me or ignore me.

I am not a step-parent, but I was a stepchild. I know that it can be a very difficult relationship. I didn't like my SM, but I was never rude to her.

I have a very poor relationship with some of my other extended family members who are rude and disrespectful to me. I learnt a while ago that I was damned if I do and damned if I don't. From that revelation, I decided that I was absolutely no longer going to do anything for them and I haven't since.

You need to start pulling back. When she is there, go out a bit more than you do e.g. save your shopping, exercise, dog walk for then. Order takeaways. Try your best to leave her room in the tip it is. Go in, open the window but that is it.

You could be the nicest person on the earth but your DSD doesn't want you around and sees you as someone she has to put up with when she sees her dad. Sorry, that sounds so harsh, but it is the reality. With that in mind, you have a free pass to let them get on with it and whisper as much as they want. Be welcoming and nice to her but anything else you do is a waste of your time and energy.

Remember this phrase OP. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.....so I won't.

@prisencolinensinainciusol2

Do you think the young woman could be suffering with depression?

Depression that has gone on for ten years (since she was 7) and manifests itself as whispering to her dad and leaving used sanitary products on the floor?

I think this issue needs to be tackled by your husband. I suggest shutting her door and leaving the room and she can come back to it the next time she visits or your husband can clean up after her. I imagine it'll soon stop then
*
Exactly this.*

Just wanted to add that my teen and tween sons both hoover, clean their bathrooms and rooms, bring out their washing, put away washing and cook.

She has been very badly parented.

She is being passive aggressive to you and her father is backing her up. The daughter is protesting with the used sanitary products that she knows you will clean up. This is abnormal behaviour for a 17 year old. After working 50 hours, you need to rest, as you said for your mental health. You don't deserve to be shouted at by him. Imagine a future when you can put your feet up at the weekend in peace and quiet, that's what you deserve, at the very least.

I'm a step mother OP. Yes there is a problem with both, the 17 is not blameless, certainly at the very least she should be habitually tidying her own room. The trouble is that the SC being out of line is something you could potentially live with, whereas the DH problem isn't.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

This behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. It is gas lighting and emotionally abusive. It's unfortunately incredibly common for the partner's of step mothers to act this way if you head over to the step parenting board, and it is truly appalling to read how many are bullied into accepting it.

The first thing to do is to tell your step daughter she needs to start tidying her room before she goes. Absolutely nothing out of line about that so don't be afraid to do it. If she doesn't, you absolutely should not do it, and your husband needs to do it every time. You will not help yourself by continuing to do it, he needs to step up.

But honestly, despite those practical steps, his attitude is awful and you deserve better. I would be thinking about leaving.

Having read the whole thread....I would say, that is seems to me that she has been poisoned by the toxic Birth-mum (you mentioned she made it difficult for you in the beginning ) and it sounds like this girl is 'in the middle' of it all and unsure how to 'be' around you.
Also sounds like the SD possibly has self-esteem issues or depression.

You sound like you're trying your absolute best, but your husband sounds like an enabling/lazy sod tbh..maybe his guilt about not being with the daughter 24/7 means he is unwilling to risk confronting/upsetting her AT ALL..ie won't disagree with you over her, because he doesn't want to risk the fall out and the possibility of the bratty Daughter refusing to come to round atall etc.???

I'd say the main issue is her Dad refusing to see the problem. Get him to deal with the room...I'm sure he'll soon realise it's digsuting. I know it's going to be difficult to 'leave it' in that state, but all you're doing is prolonging the situation and causing yourself more emotional stress.

He needs to deal with tidying it, which after a few weeks might tip him into seeing it from your point of view, and eventually talking to her about it.

With regards to the relationship; it sounds like it's completely broken down...could the three of you do something together?? Maybe just a board game now and then, or a film night?
As it sounds very much that it was you and SD, then when that got difficult for you, it's become your hubby and SD...but there's no mention of the three of you doing stuff together/connecting as a family unit.

Teens are hardwork anyway - they're antisocial, rude, slobby and messy.....but the sanitary towel thing is outright gross! Also her not washing or showering all weekend isn't normal.

Honestly I think first port of call is husband...it's not normal that he thinks it IS normal ....!!

I know you don’t want to hear you have a DH problem but you do.

Given this started 10 years ago when she was 7, it’s all about how your DH handled her. How children behave is dependent on the parent. He facilitates the whispering and bad behaviour. And you are where you are.

Some people find being a teenager harder than others. At 17 I felt far from “a young woman”. I didn’t know who I was, I found “chat” with adults utterly cringeworthy, even my own parents. I hadn’t really been brought up to chat to adults and just couldn’t. It wasn’t until 17-19 that I got over feeling awkward about absolutely everything.

So I think that the OP needs to have boundaries and take up her space in her own house as a PP said but also do not expect a 17 year old to necessarily be “a young woman”. Boundaries for me would be around hygiene, maybe one meal together in the weekend and probably ignore the rest.

@AStudyinPink

Do you have kids together? Does she maybe think she’s rubbing it in that she’s in a fertile period.

Utter nonsense. 😂

Agreed! Why are people trying to link her behaviour to “daddy issues” or her “competing for fertility dominance”? What a load of shit! Sounds like your DSD is lazy, forgetful, hormonal or just doesn’t like you. Teenagers are messy but it doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t clean up after herself.

You first met her when she was 7.
Presumably she was rude and allowed to get away with murder then?
Presumably your DH had piss poor parenting skills then too?

And yet... you married him. Why?

OP, I think you created your own problem here. Why do you bend over backwards to accommodate this behaviour? First of all, get your DH to clean the room after his daughter. So it stays dirty for a couple of days, just don't go there. Let him pick up used sanitary towels.
If she is disrespecting you with all the whispering etc, don't cook dinner for her. Let your DH cater for that. Don't let anyone treat you like that in your own home. You really don't have to make an effort anymore if there is nothing in return. She is 17, not a child.

My DSS moved in with us a few years ago - was 19bat the time. Lazy little swine he was. I used to say to him he needs to be more pro active at tidying up after he has used the kitchen, but his bedroom l let him sort out and never went in there.
What pissed me off was that he didn't have a job, had no intention of looking for a job but wouldn't look after DD when l went to work for 6 hours once a week. Brought absolutely nothing to the table so to speak. I mentioned it to DH who shouted at ME!!! Which obviously caused a bigger row and once the storm had cleared, DH admitted it was because he knew l was right he just was deciding in his mind how to deal with it. DSD pushed us too far in the end and moved back in with his mum - loads of other stuff happened too but your DH may agree with you but just wants to be loyal to his daughter who sounds grim by the way.
I would leave her room - open the windows and shut the door so the smell goes and leave it exactly how she has you are not running a hotel ffs.

Agreed! Why are people trying to link her behaviour to “daddy issues” or her “competing for fertility dominance”? What a load of shit! Sounds like your DSD is lazy, forgetful, hormonal or just doesn’t like you. Teenagers are messy but it doesn’t mean that she shouldn’t clean up after herself.

No idea 😂

YANBU and he should clean the room and wash the sheets it's his daughter, she doesn't even speak to you OP you are being a right mug.

Oh and another thing - l never cared if he liked me or not - that ship well and truly sailed after he told his dad l am only with him for his money so don't be afraid to be disliked!