Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

Depression that has gone on for ten years (since she was 7) and manifests itself as whispering to her dad and leaving used sanitary products on the floor?

Am so glad you've been able to rule it out as I wouldn't wish clinical depression on anyone.

I imagine OP is relieved too.

I dont think I would go the 'please stop whispering' route, I would be saying 'WHY are you two whispering again, WHY do you two always feel the need to exclude me?, 'I have just cooked your fucking meal, the least you can do is be polite, and by the way, once you have finished your dinner madam you can go up and sort out the used sanpro you have left stinking on the carpet I have fucking paid for'!

stop pussy footing about, if she dosent like it at her age she can go back to her mothers.

perhaps your dh could go with her and explain why she is home early.

@hagotcha80 exactly right..if you don't know where to put them does that automatically mean throw on the floor? Absolutely not. Worse case scenario you wrap it in toilet roll and take home. God ive had sanitary bags that smell of talc since I was 12 and if no bin available I pop in outside bin. Its not rocket science especially at 17! Old enough to drive not mature enough to dispose of a sanitary pad - ffs.

Wow this is a bit extreme. I think its purely disrespect and lack of hygiene
It's not extreme if it's her instinct - she needs additional maturity to overcome it. It's not something she'll be doing on purpose, not thinking 'I'll show stepmum I'm more of a woman than she is!' Just animal stuff.

The reason I ask about somewhere obvious for sanitary products is that we never had a bin at home I was expected to burn them in the fire. Obviously I couldn't do this if someone was round so they ended up in my room. I wasn't looking to show what a fertile thing I was or any of that other weird stuff, i just had nowhere to put them. My other thought is possible ASD. This along with the unusual behaviour of always whispering and staying in her room all the time made me wonder (as I have one with aspergers). There's not much info to go on but poor hygiene is common.

I know the fertility/sexual activity display theory sounds deranged, but it is actually the kind of thing I could see myself doing at that age if I had been in that situation. I wouldn't blame any adult for not seeing it that way, because it's ridiculous and just looks disgusting and uncouth, but I can really see myself having that thought process. I would have seen it as the best way of displaying the only power I thought I had; sexual maturity and youth.

Nonetheless, I do agree with PPs that your husband has to step up. I'd also at least try to find out from her what she's so upset about; it may well be her mother poisoning her against you but at 17 she's likely to be questioning her parents and it could be something else entirely anyway. We need to LISTEN to teenagers, even if we think they're talking shit. Their feelings are real to them, often very valid anyway, and a lot of frustration comes from being shut down all the time.

If you really do know and understand where she's coming from, you're better equipped to address it. I'm not saying there should never be consequences or that she's being reasonable, but until you know, really know, what the problem is, how can you form a strategy? And until you LISTEN to her, not just ignore or belittle what she has to say, you won't know what the problem is.

Thanks so much everyone, the posts from step daughters are really very helpful.

I will try to close the door on the mess after this visit and see if DH cleans up. It’ll be hard as I am a bit overly sensitive to mess I admit.

I think the sanitary issue is utterly revolting but won’t have that issue this weekend hopefully. It’s not however a biohazard and I’m unlikely to catch COVID from them as I obvs wear gloves. I appreciate the sentiment though.

My days of trying to build a relationship with her are over for now. Perhaps when she’s older we can try and have something resembling a relationship but for now I’ve disengaged after many years of trying too hard.

To answer some of the questions:

She has a bin and nappy sacks to dispose of her towels in her room. She knows how to get rid of them.

I don’t run a hotel and wouldn’t expect her to strip her bed after every visit but as she’s spent three days in bed without a shower I’d say that was more than normal use so would probably want her sheets changed.

We don’t have our own children.

Her mum has bad mouthed me, and still continues to, so it’s not surprising she finds it difficult to form a relationship with me. I don’t know why she does this, other than jealousy. I was not the reason for their breakdown.

DH does have a problem communicating with me over his daughter.
I think it’s dad guilt.

Things are much harder during lockdown. I live for more light and their ability to go out and do things together outside the home.

It looks like you’re on your own here OP because he ain’t got your back, & nothing will ever change. I used to leave them to have time on their own with their Dad, then join them late afternoon. Mine are boys so I didn’t have to deal with the bitchiness of girls. The eldest liked me, but I used to get the whispering ... with the youngest. Put the dirty little skanks room on YouTube.

Stop cleaning the room up so that when she stays again she has to lie in the room and bed she made. Just detach yourself from their father/daughter relationship. Go out, use the weekend for your own interests and see it as a time of freedom.

Then in the week sort out your relationship and stop his dominance and control of you ad your feelings. Personally I'd find a better partner. Your life doesn't sound like it's your own.

I know the fertility/sexual activity display theory sounds deranged, but it is actually the kind of thing I could see myself doing at that age if I had been in that situation. I wouldn't blame any adult for not seeing it that way, because it's ridiculous and just looks disgusting and uncouth, but I can really see myself having that thought process. I would have seen it as the best way of displaying the only power I thought I had; sexual maturity and youth

I see this all the time in the girls I look after (SW background) it’s actually very common and quite normal. It all links back to emotional maturity and the power/control dynamic.

I don't see any need to change the sheets after a few days, if she is eating, festering etc in bed that is her problem, but I think this is the very least you should be doing is cutting down on the bed changing, and not tidying up. The sheets should stay on for the full seven days anyway as they would in most homes.

You don't sound terribly motivated to change very much op, so I guess it will just stay the same until she stops coming.

If there is no relationship you can't force one, so being kind and civil but distant is fine.

He doesn't care much about you, or respect you - if you are happy with that then stay and grin and bear it, as I suspect you have been doing for a decade or longer already.

BTW I was a step daughter from the age of 10 when my mother married my step father. I tried to like him, and did for a while....until I witnessed and heard certain things which showed me he was not treating my mother properly at all...and I saw my mother was very unhappy, disappointed, let down and trapped.

Not saying this is anything like your situation OP. But I can confirm that I hated him. Nothing changed that. He never could win me round. He ruined our family. I left home as soon as I could. My deep dislike lasted for the rest of his life. Nothing ever altered that. So no point in trying to make anyone like you or trying to win them round. Sounds like SD has made her mind up and doesn't sound like anyone you would choose to be in your circle anyway.

Let her get on with it.

This must be awful for you and, as others have said, you need the support of DH, however DSD is practically an adult, she’s old enough to marry and to be in the army for example.

I’d just leave the mess, maybe clear away dirty pots that you might need to use yourselves but otherwise just leave it. If either DH or DSD say anything, stay really calm and say oh dear, I haven’t really had time, what with my full time job at the hospital. I would also, as she is leaving, ask airily, “Have you left your room Ok for your next time?” And I’d be out quite a bit of the weekend she was there. While you keep clearing up, she’ll keep letting you. Of course, if you see any evidence of her clearing up then by all means offer to help and even ask if there’s anything she’d like to make her time there more pleasant. Don’t worry too much about the whispering for now, just make your boundaries clear but be pleasant,: at the moment she is enjoying the chance to manipulate you. She’s old enough to decide whether to come or not, and she’s still coming...

Stop cleaning her room; leave it for her to find it as she left it.

If your DH kicks off, let him have it. He should be cleaning up after his filthy rude pig of a daughter.

I would ask

can I ask at home with your mum, do you leave your used sanitary products on the floor and is your room a mess?

I have two dads who are older now but both messy, one of them left used products in the bin in her room so I gave her nappy bags to place them inside. Have you given the dad any products to place the used sanitary products?

I like a neatest lived in home - both my dds are messy, one still lives at home and is early 20s but she takes her meals in her room a lot and is chatting with friends etc

I say most of what your dsd is doing is normal behaviour. I wouldn't like the sanitary issue so would tackle it by giving her nappy bags to put the products in. leave the rest and shut the door to her room, Ask her to empty the bin dn bring down all crockery before she gets home - leave the rest as if she wants to sleep in bedclothes for months - that she issue.

don't sweat or tackle stuff you don't have to

@Tal45

The reason I ask about somewhere obvious for sanitary products is that we never had a bin at home I was expected to burn them in the fire. Obviously I couldn't do this if someone was round so they ended up in my room. I wasn't looking to show what a fertile thing I was or any of that other weird stuff, i just had nowhere to put them. My other thought is possible ASD. This along with the unusual behaviour of always whispering and staying in her room all the time made me wonder (as I have one with aspergers). There's not much info to go on but poor hygiene is common.

What did you do when reached a huge pile?

Can I ask how you know her mum bad mouthed you? Has she said things to you directly?

@MissMarpleDarling

Leaving used sanitary towels on the floor is absolutely vile. That's not a normal teen thing OP.

I agree . With mine it was dirty knickers left on the floor with discharge and blood stains . You would think anyone would be embarrassed to do this and for anyone else to see esp your father.

If she stays over on Fri, why can't her & her dad do the shop Sat morning to have time together?

And cook as time together?

I don't think Op should have to go out or make herself scarce in her own house, but it seems pointless trying to force a relationship.

If her dad thinks she's doing nothing wrong then he'll be happy to sort out the mess that she leaves behind.

That he can't discuss it without being angry though would make me question the point of being with him.

She's clears it up before she leaves, he clears it up after she leaves, or she comes back to it the following week.

If she's not even polite enough to speak to you while in your own home, you shouldn't be cleaning up after her. Just shut the door

There is no question she is disgusting.

You say everything is great between you and dh. Then you say he immediately shouts at you if you raise this issue.

Is everything really ok? Or are there other things that you don't say or do because it would make him shout?

Because this just doesn't add up. Decent, respectful and loving but then tolerates whispering and filthy habits.

Are you able to speak about her at all? Her future? Does he have any concerns?

I will try to close the door on the mess after this visit and see if DH cleans up. It’ll be hard as I am a bit overly sensitive to mess I admit.

Great, keep the door firmly closed, if it's smelly think about cling film or tap around the edges.

But I'd suggest that at a fairly early point in her stay you tell her, pleasantly but firmly and in her father's presence, that you won't be cleaning up after her if she leaves rubbish around the floor and the furniture, and would she therefore make sure she uses the bins provided. Suggest to your partner that if necessary he can help her clear up before she goes. And then leave it at that.

You have a DH problem.

I cook, clean and talk to her when I don’t really want to Why? Don't do it any more, any of it.

And do not tidy up her room. Let her come back to it like that. Not your problem or your job.

Ew she is gross. Your DH needs to parent her instead of walking around on egg shells around her. It has been a whole decade. Tell your DH it is disgusting that she doesn’t shower, leaves food in her room and leaves used sanitary products lying around. You can’t cope anymore. I think I’d forbid her staying over if she’s like this. Her mum has probably told her to do all this.

Since you tidy up every time .... once or twice i would leave the room precisely as she left for the next time she visits. She is used to coming back to a clean room. It would be a lesson in itself when she opens the door to that bedroom.

Just close the door however annoying, and try to forget room in that state for two weeks until she visits. Take photos of how she left it (and what it was like before).

In case dad complains to you.

Or start making dad clean it every time.