Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

How far does her mum live? If she's not happy in tour gone can she not just spend a few hours with her dad without coming to your home? Difficult at the minute I no suppose. Or coke to yours but not stay over?

@Iloveacurry

For a start, when she leaves on the Sunday, you should shut her bedroom door and leave it. When she returns, it’ll be in the same state she left it. If your DH cleans it, that’s up to him.

I think in an ideal world, this would work. However, the girl evidently doesn’t care about leaving soiled sanitary towels out and normal hygiene like showering etc, so she might just leave it and make it worse with her next stay, ie it compounds her dirty protest? Meanwhile the OP has to live with a filthy room for a week. I think the solution is to get either DSD or DH to clean it an hour before she leaves, every single time, definitely mention the soiled sanitary towels and make it very uncomfortable for them both.

I would buy a bin for period products for her, air tight. Then tell her father how to use it so he can tell her how to use, then ask him to check the room, that she has used it before she leaves, if she hasn’t he tells her to, before giving her a lift.

@Dundee67890

I asked him when she was younger to talk to her about respect and manners. Respecting other people who are not mum and dad. She’s pretty disrespectful to her grandparents too. He said he didn’t need to.

I’ve asked him to talk to her about whispering. To be fair he did put a stop to it for a short time, but it’s back again.

I don’t want her to have to talk to me under duress, but in fairness to me, I cook, clean and talk to her when I don’t really want to, so the least she could do is try to be a
Little sociable.

So you could just talk openly to the room rather than specifically to her “ what do you guys think?” That type of stuff and if she doesn’t talk then it doesn’t matter at least you are not excluding her and still going about normal conversation . Get some thicker skin about the whispering or phrase it in a y way to her dad once she’s gone. You know you are not in the wrong but if you phrase it “ have I done something wrong that she was too scared to tell me whatever you were whispering about. Was it about me, something I maybe have experience in and could help her with?”

She may be leaving the sanitary pads in her room as she's unsure of how to dispose of them in your house and is afraid to ask so leaving them in her room (her safe space) seems like the logical thing to do

Surely her father could have told her by now if there was any doubt about that?

I can't see how that is the logical response. Most people in that situation, if they were genuinely uncertain, would wrap them up and take them home, especially if they know full well that others will be in the room after they leave.

Teenagers do spend all their time in their rooms. That’s not unusual.

However, leaving dirty sanitary towels are gross.

I think you should have words with her directly. It’s your home as much as hers. Explain how leaving st around is not acceptable and she needs to clean up from now on.

Maybe, you need to go into evil stepmother role, and Say that before she leaves, she has to spend ten minutes tidying up up her bedroom.

If she spends nearly the whole time in her room, why does she come over? Is the idea not to spend time with her dad?

I can't help thinking that her mum is to blame for some of her behaviour towards you. You mention how the mother had an issue with you since day one. I can see her planting seeds in DD's head and bad mouthing you which now reflects her behaviour towards you

This will be hard as you sound like a very house proud person like myself but I urge you to just close the door on her room once she's gone and then DH or she will have to deal with it. The problem with messy, disgusting people is that they know other's will clean up for them so they leave the mess

I would also speak to DH about her behaviour towards you. It's your house too, it can't be a nice atmosphere when she's there. If he shouts then to me that's because he knows what you're saying is true. Really get on his case and keep on it. That's what you have to do with people who ignore problems, give him a problem. Good luck

@Dundee67890

No uni, she’s not interested.

Unfortunately we’re stuck in a rut where I do the big shop on a Saturday morning and buy the dinners for the weekend. I also do all the cooking.

I sound like a doormat which I’m really not, DH does 50/50 most of the time, he cooks after work most evenings.

Everything just changes, the whole dynamics when she’s here.

It’s not just a DH problem surely? She’s a young woman. I know he’s part of the problem and accept that. Mumsnet comments such as ‘you’ve got a DH problem’ are not particularly constructive. Sorry not meaning to be ungrateful.
Thanks for all the helpful comments.

We have a decent marriage in all other ways.

Have you ever pulled him up about you cooking every weekend. Maybe say he has to do every second Saturday and could try to involve the daughter if he wants

@AStudyinPink

also the fact of she's on the pill she may be sexually active therefore even more of a biohazard having to handle it for you.

Here we go again 🙄 No, the OP isn’t going to catch herpes from a rolled up sanitary pad. It is disgusting, but “biohazard”?!

You took herpes from that?

I took it to mean that there was an increased covid risk.

@Dundee67890

The period stuff does seem bizarre but it’s something she’s always done.

She’s also made a real point about being on the pill. She leaves the packet in the kitchen or the bathroom. It’s almost like she’s making a point? I’m no psychotherapist but it does seem strange.

She’s not diagnosed or complained of depression? I’m not the person she’d come to for that.

Do you have kids together? Does she maybe think she’s rubbing it in that she’s in a fertile period. As for your last comment you may not be but you could ask her dad if he had come to her

To me, it sounds like she's looking for attention. Any attention is good as long as she is getting a reaction.

How does she get on with her mum? Any issues there about this?

I'm the same as you, when my DSC comes to stay and leaves an absolute mess in the bedroom, I will clean it up because I know it would take my DH a bit longer lol, but that doesn't make him a bad person.

I think your dsd is looking for attention and a way to control a situation, but your DH needs to speak to her because it is having a negative effect on you.

Would he wake up if you said that you're considering leaving him if he doesn't put a stop to this once and for all?

Do you have children with him? If so, is he like this with them?

Some normal but the whispering, not talking, leaving uses sanitary items in her room etc is not.

I think he is the main problem. There should be an expectation that she will be polite. Next time she stays I would open the window and leave the rest for her to deal with when she comes back.

Used sanitary products on the floor or in her bedroom is a no-go for me. She should surely know that it is basic cleanliness to take it to the bathroom and wash her hands after. I would broach the subject gently with her.
It isn’t unusual for a teenager to have a messy bedroom, but that sounds filthy. I agree with you, your working crazy hours throughout the week and your weekend is your time to relax.

Leaving a mess and particularly leaving used ST lying around is a show of contempt and derision.

Stop clearing up her mess!
Leave it, your DH will soon get fed up and buck his ideas up.
You do have a DH problem.

*You took herpes from that?

I took it to mean that there was an increased covid risk.*

You think the OP is going to catch COVID from a sanitary towel?

Do you have kids together? Does she maybe think she’s rubbing it in that she’s in a fertile period.

Utter nonsense. 😂

What do you want her to do with the sanitary towels? Does she know? Eg put them in the bathroom bin? Then remind her?

My dd stays with family occasionally and doesn’t know what to do with her sanitary products when she is there.

I'd stop trying. Just let her get on with it and withdraw. All you need to be is civil.

Re her room, I know it will drive you crazy but you really really need to not clean it. Let her come back to fortnight old used sanitary pads. If she's leaving them as a silent fuck you, then coming back to them is the only way to deal with it. Yes it will be hard for you to stick it out but unless you stop cleaning up, she'll not stop doing it.

I would put a note on her door explaining you are no longer cleaning it between visits.

Remember, you are not staff you are a member of the family.

@Dundee67890

I do clean up as the room usually smells after she’s gone. My DH is not lazy but wouldn’t think about it so while he’s taking her home I usually strip the bed, throw out the unpleasant things left lying around, empty the bin, open the windows. I give it a good clean during the week. I do it for myself not for anyone else.

Do not touch her room. Shut the door and let her go back into a reeking pigsty on her next visit. Give her the wake up call she needs.

Op she needs to strip her own bed and put it in the washing machine, empty her bin and tidy before leaving. Don't do it!
Tell dh she is nearly an adult, either she does it or he does, not you.

In your position, I wouldn't be putting myself out for her. The weekends when she stays go out for a walk with a friend, relax in the bath, watch a film and enjoy your weekend. It is for your dh to be spending time with his dd and not for you to worry about. She is almost an adult, and probably will drop the other weekend thing soon enough, so you are nearly at the end of this stage anyway. I would distance myself from the whole thing. Dh can organise the evening meal, and I would be friendly and civil and that is it.

You are doing far too much, and as for shouting at your - what kind of decent man does that?! You deserve better.

When pp’s say you have a dh problem, it is because he allows and facilitates this behaviour. She is 17 years old and should know how to behave. Tbh I wouldn’t have married in to a situation where I wasn’t afforded basic respect in my own home.

Stop cleaning her room. Close the door and leave it for her to do. My dd is 12 and strips and changes her own bed. Don’t allow the whispering. Every time it happens, tell her that whispering is a sign of bad manners. I would not allow someone to eat in their room, particularly if they refuse to clean so out a stop to that also. If dh chooses to side with her it is his problem but stop allowing the pair of them to push you around. You are making this far too easy by just making yourself scarce and festering quietly. You are a person with needs too and I would not be treated this way in my own home.

Silent fuck you
Excellent phrase
This is exactly what she is doing !
So drop the rope and walk away.
Not your problem -shut the door.
While you keep clearing it up she will keep doing it.

The note on the door is a good suggestion.

Open the window, shut the door and leave it.

The sanitary towel is a massive fuck you message. It is beyond foul and she would never treat her own mother like that. She is making you pay by making things as difficult as possible. I would not get into any more rows about it, just let her get on with it. Sleeping in her own festering filth from now on.