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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal for a step family?

542 replies

Dundee67890 · 07/02/2021 07:50

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

OP posts:
tara66 · 10/02/2021 15:46

Would you ever LTB and his daughter?

Original poster
Dundee67890 · 10/02/2021 18:26

@tara66 I don’t know if I’d ever leave him. I think I live in hope that the EOW visits will soon start to Peter out, sorry to step mum haters, but that’s really how I feel after years of this.

DH and I have a decent relationship outside of this situation. I know that sounds hard to believe but apart from his blind devotion to his DD we have a good time together, some might say that blind devotion is a sign of a good man? I struggle with it enormously.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 10/02/2021 18:38

“used sanitary towels left lying around” yeah I’d be leaving that for her dad to clean up.
That’s utterly disgusting, disrespectful little slob.

MzHz · 10/02/2021 18:47

Well.. all you have to do is carry on on with the industrial action, call her out on rudeness, ignore h and his whimpering and tell him that if he’d have take this young woman to task more regularly you wouldn’t have to remind her of her manners and that she’s old enough to know she’s being unspeakably rude and given that she has her mum and friends and whispers for the uk with him, she’s capable of being polite, just not to you and you’ve had enough

Enough of the pigsty room, the used sanitary towels and general filth and you’re not doing any of it anymore

She comes here to her room, she looks after it and cleans up after herself like everyone else

MzHz · 10/02/2021 18:52

This is a comment I picked up off a now deleted thread this morning:

Remember that being a ‘people pleaser’ or ‘hating conflict’ doesn’t make you nicer than other people. It means you are missing a key adulting skill. Luckily, it’s one that you can learn, and the world gives you 100s of chances to practice in any given week! Within scants months you won’t recognise yourself.

millsonmills · 10/02/2021 18:54

Can't advise overall but I would start taking photos of the used sanitary towels and sending them to her/her mum/her dad and shaming her saying it's unhygienic and absolutely disgusting - or just start picking them up and leaving them in one of her underwear draws - sewing as she doesn't throw them away, maybe she is collecting them for an art project? Grin In reality I prob wouldn't do that but so would embarrass her over it because she would most deffo not want her friends and social media followers to see her in that light so she needs to fix up her disgusting behaviour!!

TheQuiverForLegolasBow · 10/02/2021 19:20

If your DH is unwilling/unable to tackle his daughters behaviours, could you ask him to take ownership of his own and only talk at normal volume? If she wants to whisper TO him, and his side of the conversation is conducted normally, she might just start to feel a little silly and immature? At least that way he'd be showing you the respect and consideration you deserve....

GabriellaMontez · 10/02/2021 19:25

I would casually mention that I'd had enough of cleaning her room. Then move on from the subject. He can decide if he wants to take over or have a chat with her.

Is he worried she'll stop coming?

CrossUniStudent · 10/02/2021 19:27

Going to suggest something here. The fact she whispers and gets very upset when pulled up for not speaking, or only does one word answers, sounds very much like low profile selective mutism. Just worth thinking about.

Keeping2ChevronsApart · 10/02/2021 19:42

What will she say when she sees the room hasn't been cleaned?

Original poster
Dundee67890 · 10/02/2021 19:45

Oh she’s definitely not mute around anyone else. Only me. She’s very loud when around friends/boyfriends.

OP posts:
Itsjustaride8w737 · 10/02/2021 19:49

Your aiming all your frustration (understandably) at dsd, when in fact your useless husband is also to blame.

Make him clear the room, he may change his tune when clearing bloody sanpro and seeing what a lazy cow his dd is. My dd is 12 and autistic and wouldn't dream of leaving her used pads around.

Her behaviour in unacceptable. Dp has been in my dds life since she was little, I always pull her up if she's being disrespectful.

I'd seriously consider your marriage, you deserve better!

thehorsealreadybolted · 10/02/2021 19:57

I thought my SD actually liked me although there was a bit of tension as she got older. Whenever I was not around she would be lying all over her Dads lap and would stop talking when I came in. We would get her presents for occasions and never see them again. Like nice jewellery she would never wear etc. Now we do money even for special bdays etc. Anyway this is wierd but I kept finding my exfoliator on the shower tray floor after she had been in there. I'd hang it up again and then it would be on the shower floor again. I binned it while she was still there. I feel like it may be a subtle "I dont like you" am i going crazy? Needless to say I dont leave my toothbrush in the bathroom when shes here.

thehorsealreadybolted · 10/02/2021 19:59

She also would never say thank you when I made her food etc. If her dad cooked he would get a thank you but not me.

mrsplum101 · 10/02/2021 20:05

Agree this is more a problem with your DH. She's 17, and that's obviously old enough to shoulder some responsibility for her behaviour but she's takes her cues from her Dad who doesn't seem to care if she is rude or disrespectful to his wife. If he pulled her up on it, she would hopefully realise she can't play you off against him and drop the attitude a bit. But without his support you haven't got a chance of changing this, and it's really really not okay for him to shout you down when you try to discuss it with him.

MessAllOver · 10/02/2021 20:09

In your shoes, I would stop cleaning her room and changing her sheets and retreat to your room with a takeaway/meal for one and a good book when she comes. I would also do no cleaning or chores for the whole weekend and leave the two of them to cook for and clean up after themselves. If asked, I would say I was giving them "space". If pressed, I would remind my DH that I'm not a skivvy to run after them and be abused.

Flyingf1edgelings · 10/02/2021 20:09

If you let him clean and detach her stinky pads from her knickers maybe he won’t be so defensive next time. Some men are pricks when it comes to their children to protect them from their evil step mothers Hmm

CrossUniStudent · 10/02/2021 20:18

@Dundee67890

Oh she’s definitely not mute around anyone else. Only me. She’s very loud when around friends/boyfriends.
That means nothing. But if you don't want to consider or look into it, the choice is of course yours.
PieInTheSky71 · 10/02/2021 20:37

I'd stop cooking at the weekend. Plus I'd bag up her shit and put it in his car. And leave the sheets in there too for him to wash.

I'm sorry but I think you really need to put your foot down and go on strike. Why should you cook and clean for her when she doesn't give you the courtesy of even speaking to you.

I would say 'enough's enough!" DH seeing as your DD doesn't seem to want to be around me, it's best that you do her cooking and cleaning going forward.

billy1966 · 10/02/2021 20:43

@MessAllOver

In your shoes, I would stop cleaning her room and changing her sheets and retreat to your room with a takeaway/meal for one and a good book when she comes. I would also do no cleaning or chores for the whole weekend and leave the two of them to cook for and clean up after themselves. If asked, I would say I was giving them "space". If pressed, I would remind my DH that I'm not a skivvy to run after them and be abused.
This.

Work on being so busy to be away.

toocold54 · 10/02/2021 20:51

I don’t know if I’d ever leave him. I think I live in hope that the EOW visits will soon start to Peter out, sorry to step mum haters, but that’s really how I feel after years of this.

Or she could come around more often!
I would personally if I had someone cleaning up after me all of the time.

I know you don't like to keep things messy but I would try my hardest to not clean up her room after her. If that means months of old sanitary towels on the floor so be it - she can learn to clean up after herself or DH can do it.

This is a difficult age - after this they get better and you could one day soon find yourself becoming really close. Are there any hobbies/careers she's interested in that you could bond with her over?

strawberriesontheNeva · 10/02/2021 20:55

A 17 year old girl leaves used sanitary pads all over the bedroom floor 🤢

strawberriesontheNeva · 10/02/2021 20:56

A 17 year old girl leaves used sanitary pads all over the bedroom floor 🤢
Yuck 🤮

strawberriesontheNeva · 10/02/2021 20:57

Sorry, not sure why it posted twice

billy1966 · 10/02/2021 21:01

The OP has been so accommodating and has given her selfish husband an unbelievable life.

Happy passive wife, no complaints, career, and house skivvy, but happy clappy non complaining......

Then for the weekends OP's SD stays..she cleans, cooks, general skivvys and backs off to give them privacy in HER home....
to then clean up the filth and dirt and used menstrual products of some 17 year old brat...for 10 years.

I wish the OP had me or any of my friends in her circle because there is NO way she would have accepted this bullshit.

Poor pet.Flowers

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