Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

no idea why I quoted Trevthecat there - sorry!

Maybe you should just drop into conversation " Dds room is as she left it as I'm not doing it anymore "

Is the room hers? or a spare room she stays in? you need to leave the room alone, she feels like the space isn't her home and probably why she is showing animalistic behaviours such as being dirt and messy it is an invasion of her privacy by going in and moving things/tidying. She probably thinks you want to go in and be nosy so she is purposely leaving items out to prove a point. let her have her own space and she will slowly be more respectful. It isn't easy for children/young adults to share new homes with other people and the one room in the house that is yours you are in the second she goes home to remove any evidence she's been there. and why are you suggesting your DH clears it up, it's not his mess either. leave it for when she next comes round and when lockdown is over maybe suggest she invite a friend over so she feels like its her home. if she has a friend round she wont want her room to be state and will do something about it.

You've kind of failed at the first hurdle by removing the plates etc. Yes it's disgusting but you are still enabling both your DH and DSD. Stop it.... All of it.

@Dundee67890

Thanks for all the really helpful responses.

I haven’t touched the room (well I did a bit). I closed the door on the mess and left it!! It’s killing me 🤣

I did a quick check for anything really smelly if I’m being totally honest, but left plates, glasses, empty bottles, packets of sweets and crisps. Clothes and unmade bed where she left them. No wet towels to deal with as no shower!

DH hasn’t thought about it, I guess he thinks I’ve done it. I’m not sure I’ll last until week Friday but I’ll try!

I’m not sure how to tackle the whispering and walking out of the room. This is a bigger problem and I hate confrontation.

Well done OP!!! Stay strong!! You can do this. If you have to leave the door closed so you can "stay strong" do that.

Have you told your DH you haven't cleaned the room? I would mention it in passing to him, if possible.

You may find her behaviour escalates when she realises you are no longer being her lackey. Ignore it.....but this is your first step in taking some of your power back ☺️☺️☺️

Op - you need a script - a brief comment that calls out how rude it is to whisper in front of you when you're in the room.
Something like, "It's disrespectful to whisper in front of me when I'm in the room. I treat you respectfully - do the same to me. Thank you".

Use this every time to both of them . You're establishing a reasonable boundary. Don't get drawn in to any 'whataboutery' or diversion tactics. Just repeat. 'You need to stop whispering in front of me when I'm in the room. I find it disrespectful. Thank you". (or something similar).
Short, direct, no please or sorry, just an assertive request.

@persistentwoman

Op - you need a script - a brief comment that calls out how rude it is to whisper in front of you when you're in the room. Something like, "It's disrespectful to whisper in front of me when I'm in the room. I treat you respectfully - do the same to me. Thank you".

Use this every time to both of them . You're establishing a reasonable boundary. Don't get drawn in to any 'whataboutery' or diversion tactics. Just repeat. 'You need to stop whispering in front of me when I'm in the room. I find it disrespectful. Thank you". (or something similar).
Short, direct, no please or sorry, just an assertive request.

I agree with you that this needs to happen 100pc.

However, I also feel small steps for the OP will work better, and dealing with just the room issue right now will be easier for her to manage and not become as overwhelming as dealing with all the issues at once

Agreed that it's small steps CareBear50. In my defence the OP specifically commented that she didn't know how to tackle this in her second to last post, stating that it was a bigger problem so I was responding to her comment.

Please let us know what she says this weekend when she arrives and her pit is untouched

The room is hers, it’s not the spare room, only she uses it and it’s her own private space.

She isn’t treated like a guest, this is her second home, obviously her mum’s is her primary residence.

I think I’m going to have a bit of a rough time on her next visit if she knows her room hasn’t been cleaned.

She’ll know this is something Of a problem. I expect the whispering will escalate.

On the very few occasions I’ve ever said anything to her she turns on the tears and her dad treats me like I’m an evil bitch. Because Of this I tend to say very little.

You need to address this head on, op.
Ignoring the mess and not speaking to either your dh or DSD is passive aggressive and will only encourage the behaviour you're trying to halt.

I understand your fear of confrontation, but you don't need to be confrontational. Just speak to them like adults, be calm and reasonable.

You're doing the right thing in regards to her room, she's almost an adult ffs, you should never have been responsible for cleaning it the first place.

Unfortunately the whispering and treating you like shit is all on your DH, he should have nipped that in the bud years ago, will be hard to stop that now she's fully grown. It's pretty unacceptable he's allowed you to be treated that way and made to feel uncomfortable in your own home

On the very few occasions I’ve ever said anything to her she turns on the tears and her dad treats me like I’m an evil bitch. Because Of this I tend to say very little

That's completely unacceptable.

Get him in to her room. Today. Ask him to look for plates or whatever. He needs to see what's going on for himself.

Detach, detach, detach.

It’s really not passive aggressive, it’s self protection mode. I do try to have conversation with her at the table when she joins us for dinner but I usually get one word replies. I never try to discipline her, but on the rare occasion (probably no more than 5 in 10 years) I’ve said anything she’s broken down in floods of tears and DH hates me for it. I remember vividly the last time she blatantly ignored me after I’d said hello when she walked in the door when she arrived.
I said it’s rude to not say hello to someone when they say hello to you. Literally screaming hysterics, she wouldn’t come into the same room as me all weekend and DH told me she had a headache so didn’t feel like talking and I was bang out of order, in front of her.

In normal circumstances they would go out together, or I would, but this god damn awful lockdown means, like many others, we’re all forced together making an already difficult situation unbearable.

You can't 'win' this without your DH's complete support.

He is unfair to you both. She would probably be happier if you did stand together and make yourselves a solid unit that her behaviour can't rock. Security matters - even to a 17year old.

New way of thinking:
If it is 'her room' at your house - then you should probably leave it as it is. (Is there a passive-aggressive demand for privacy in the way she leaves it?) She isn't a guest.

Her dark-smelly den might be what she needs... or she can clean it up the way she likes. (I suggest that you appear fine about however she keeps it - for now. If it is intended to irritate you, she'll stop when it doesn't have effect on you but does inconvenience her.)

Shut the door tight :) and suffer under invincible calm if you can.

It isn't likely to last and is a battle you can let her win in the short-term.

The whispering to exclude you is rude - by BOTH of them.

If he won't stop it - you haven't the power to do so.

You've tried ignoring it to no effect so I suggest that you try another route - perhaps simpering about how sweeeeeet their relationship is and coo-ing and ahhing each time you see it.

Well there is definitely a massive DH problem too. Been there done that, it's bloody tiresome.

I think I would mention to your DH that her room has once again, been left in a mess and that from now on, you aren't going to take responsibility for cleaning it. No drama or argument. If he wants it clean, he can do it from now on.

A good reply to why you didn't clean her room is 'Oh, is it dirty?' and a slightly vague expression. This can be followed by 'I thought you might like to have your room left private, so didn't go in. I've left you a bin and stuff so you'll be fine tidying as you go'. Act half distracted and as if you're thinking about something else so she can't accuse you of enjoying it.

Does this not erode your love and respect for your DH?

He isn't supporting you, and is also letting his daughter down by failing to show her appropriate behaviour and social boundaries.

Why are you still indulging this situation?

Or “Oh - it was clean when you last arrived, and no-one’s been in there”.

I would be interested to know what her bedroom is like at her mum's house .

I agree that the ST thing is disgusting but aside from that a lot of teenagers are filthy, untidy things . Including 17 year old girls in their own homes .

This is definitely not a normal stepfamily set-up OP, as I'm sure you've gathered. (I'm a stepmum)

You sound utterly ground down and as if you're treading on eggshells. I bet you've shut her bedroom door but not said a peep to your OH about cleaning it because you're scared of his reaction. It's just no way to live my lovely. It really isn't.

This is your home, which you work hard to pay for. Why should you have to deal with it being a pig-sty for 10 days between visits? Why should you spend your precious weekend tip-toeing around in the place which should be your haven, being whispered about?

Get that fire in your belly and use it to move things forward. You have been given loads of good advice. You really do have a "DH problem" and I think if things carry on as they are you will just end up resenting him and being unhappy.

It isn't always easy being a stepmum, but it really doesn't need to be this hard x

OP,

You husband is a nasty bully.

You say nothing out of self preservation to protect yourself.

Your relationship bar in on the floor and you have absolutely NO SELF RESPECT to allow yourself to be treated in suchban appalling manner.

You have chosen to accept this for 10 years.

I doubt with a 10 year status quo like this there is any changing really.

Your role is one of skivvy and to be abused by both of them if you dare complain.

Honestly God help you, accepting such treatment like this for years and thinking you deserve no more from your nasty husband.

It would be one thing if you had children, no money, were a SAHM who felt stuck.....but you have none of those ties, yet you accept this treatment.

You have taught them that treating you like shit for 10 years, is their right...🤦‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I think I would mention to your DH that her room has once again, been left in a mess and that from now on, you aren't going to take responsibility for cleaning it. No drama or argument. If he wants it clean, he can do it from now on.

You definitely need to tell your dh before dsd is due to arrive that you're not cleaning her room.
This gives him a chance to do it if he so wishes, and also avoids him and her ganging up on you when they both realise you haven't done it.
The answer to give when either ask why you haven't done it, is simply to ask them why they think it's your job to skivvy after a nearly adult person who treats you with complete contempt

@Dundee67890

It’s really not passive aggressive, it’s self protection mode. I do try to have conversation with her at the table when she joins us for dinner but I usually get one word replies. I never try to discipline her, but on the rare occasion (probably no more than 5 in 10 years) I’ve said anything she’s broken down in floods of tears and DH hates me for it. I remember vividly the last time she blatantly ignored me after I’d said hello when she walked in the door when she arrived. I said it’s rude to not say hello to someone when they say hello to you. Literally screaming hysterics, she wouldn’t come into the same room as me all weekend and DH told me she had a headache so didn’t feel like talking and I was bang out of order, in front of her.

In normal circumstances they would go out together, or I would, but this god damn awful lockdown means, like many others, we’re all forced together making an already difficult situation unbearable.

Why the ever lovin' fuck would you stay with a man who would not only let his daughter treat you in this manner, but back her up!

Find a spine and chuck him out! Let him deal with the filthy disrespectful pig.