Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

This sounds hideous OP. Is there any way you could legitimately stay somewhere else for a week, ie just long enough that he will end up having to deal with her disgusting mess himself? Ideally you'd leave on a Sunday morning and return on a Saturday morning, so there's no way you'd be expected to clean. Being away for longer would be better of course. It sounds like you're really the least important person in the house

@Dundee67890

I think I have both a DH and DSD problem. She has to be accountable at 17? It’s not solely his problem?

He would clean up but probably wouldn’t think about it for a couple of days, by which time I’d have driven myself nuts. I do it for my own sanity. Plus I couldn’t imagine how bad it would smell if I left it.

The whispering and not talking really gets to me. Like they have their own secret society that I’m excluded from. It feels very bad, but I’ve read step parenting threads and I’m not sure if this is normal?

She's doing a dirty protest.

They're both vile

@Dundee67890

I did try to be the best step mum I could for a long time. Days out together both with or without dad. Girly shopping trips, cinema for girly films. I bought her nice things for her room, make up, not expensive stuff just things that would make it nicer for her to be here.

All met with the same scowling disrespect. So eventually I stopped. I stopped and let her dad ‘entertain’ her.

Outside of COVID they do everything together without me. I’m happy with this as I get me time. She still stays over obviously. COVID is just making the problem worse.

Why do you think you have a good marriage?

Also, has he actually seen her mess? I'd be sending him photos of particularly vile bits at this point.

It seems as if the OP has stopped engaging with the thread.

I’ve gone back to re-read the OP to try to establish what it is that she’s really asking about.

Obviously being told that the DH is the only one who can at least assist in bringing about change isn’t the answer the OP was looking for. Because OP knows in her heart of hearts that he’s never going to do this.

My read is that she was hoping we’d come up with other suggestions. It must be pretty shit to realise you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place.

The only thing that has fairly consistently been suggested throughout the thread, that might change behaviour, but that doesn’t (necessarily) involve the stone-walling DH is - stop cleaning the room. Not your circus, not your monkeys. His circus, his monkeys.

Step back, disengage - this is all you can do, as long as your DH refuses to support you. Currently you’re completely enabling both of their unacceptable, shitty behaviour.

She’s doing a dirty protest I agree with this poster, it’s a deliberate decision to leave the room in a mess for you to clear up. She is getting some kind of pleasure out of it.
You need to remove yourself from the equation, make it between her & her dad.

I'd have no problem at all cleaning her room after she left, none at all.
But she would come back every Friday evening to all the rubbish including used pads dumped on her sheets under her duvet... She wants to live in a pigsty, try being a pig love..

And it would continue like that until she got the message or stayed away or her Daddy dearest did the cleaning up. Their choice totally

@Dundee67890

Op, I haven't read all14 pages of replies but as someone who was brought up with a step mother at weekends I have a few points which i hope will help:

I agree you should absolutely stop cleaning her room. Just tell her when she's next round, don't make a big deal out of it, just a polite 'btw I'm going to leave it to you from now on as its your personal space but please leave it clean and tidy

Pre warn her dad. And then just leave it, one of them will get fed up and start doing it.

Do you eat dinner all together? This might be a good time to raise it.

I'd also look to take her out for a walk and speak to her face to face. Again, keep it simple and pleasant but don't drag it out.

OK she may not respond in the way you hope, but the point is you demonstrate a mature and adult way of dealing with tension.

Just keep it non critical (she's a teen after all): I like you, not trying to be your best friend etc but you can't enjoy this tension any more than I do but id like to make an effort to get on better.

Positive reinforcement. And then continue to lead by example. Ask your dh to assist. If neither of them feel attacked they won't to on the defensive so approach it in 'let's make things better for all way'

Also, if she sees that she can raise things that upset or annoy her in a safe and constructive way she's more likely to do so than engage in passive aggression.

I don't know that you'll have an overnight transformation but this is what I'd try next.

I wonder does your dh's ex get at him? He might be reacting badly as learned behaviour to how she spoke to him. You say he's great the rest of the time so id talk to him and say that you love him, care about his dd, don't dislike her but are unhappy. You're worried about upsetting either of them but need more emotional support. Youre not criticising either of them but would like to enjoy the company of both of them and right now the situation is making you unhappy.

Keep it simple and good luck!

Sorry op I think your all to blame. This should of sorted this years ago . You enable them both to treat you badly. You have to stop the cycle. Stop cleaning her room for a start shes 17 not 7 and stand up for yourself. If you walk into a room and they are both whispering. Pull them up on it.

Your "D"H won't change now . How you have put up with it for so long I dont know.
Im a SM to a 17 year old . She would never disrespect me like that, because I wouldn't let it , also she lives with us full time in our home.
All I can suggest is, you sit down the 3 of you and tell them how you feel if they refuse to change. Then you really need to think twice about staying in this situation. My dh would of been gone years ago sorry. Hes also enabling her behaviour. Good luck to you .

Ok op, you will not get any respect from anyone unless you show some self respect for yourself. You start simply.
Large white board with house rules for everyone!!!
On top in bold writing is basic manners,this is a home, a home of love where everybody respects each other.
1.say hello and please and thank you

1. If making tea/coffee offer to others

3.No whispering

1. Everyone cleans up after themselves,you are not the maid

5 .whoever cooks a meal does not have to do the wash up also,take turns

Op,when theses rules are ignored as they will be,you tell them that you will also follow suit..this means, no more cleaning up after them,no more calling her for breakfast or dinner,you do you.
Keep it chirpy,give her nothing to pout about,you tell them once they abide by the rules then u will.
Your Dh and ur dsd will soon tire of each other's company and ur dh will soon get sick of being a skivvy to her.
And op remember,she is also like this to her mother,don't think she's not, she is manipulating and u can be sure she is going back to mother saying how great it is to be in your house so that she has her mother running round after her.
Be consistent op, pop out to the shops when the whispering starts or when you are being ignored or when the dishes are left about..call to a friend for dinner or get take away just for yourself and tell them sort their own as you have things to do.
Above all,do not accept this treatment and before you lay down the rules,you tell them this is your house and you will not tolerate this treatment and disrespect any more,they have nothing to dispute with u

That’s some really sound advice from @douliket that doesn’t necessarily rely on the DH being heavily involved. I hope you’re still reading, OP.

I haven’t read through all the posts so maybe somebody else has suggested this already. Perhaps try saying ‘have a look at SD’s room’ to your husband pleasantly after she leaves next time. Hopefully he will clean it and have a word with the SD, and at the very least he will know how bad things are. And see where it takes you. In regards to the whispering, most children from reception age know whispering in company is rude. How about jokingly tell them they are being silly when they do it next time? You may get a result if she knows she is being mocked for being immature / childish? Good luck.

It sounds difficult OP.

Why does she appear to dislike you so much? Can you hand on heart say that you have given her no reason from being a small child to dislike you? You hear stories on here from adult SC about SMs who were disdainful and unwelcoming? If you can honestly say that you have done nothing wrong yourself, then she does indeed sound like a hard nut to crack.

Have you tried getting to know her as a young adult? I know lockdown is on but what about suggesting a walk or a trip to somewhere like B&M for shopping with a drive through Costa or McDonalds (your treat). Get her on your side.

With regard to the mess, I would knock on her door an hour before she is due to leave, hand her a carrier bag and ask her to put all her rubbish in it. If she refuses, just shrug and tell her you will leave it to her dad. I can't imagine any 17 year old being happy if they thought their Dad was having to handle their used sanitary products!

She sounds depressed.

@Noideawhatusername

I haven’t read through all the posts so maybe somebody else has suggested this already. Perhaps try saying ‘have a look at SD’s room’ to your husband pleasantly after she leaves next time. Hopefully he will clean it and have a word with the SD, and at the very least he will know how bad things are. And see where it takes you. In regards to the whispering, most children from reception age know whispering in company is rude. How about jokingly tell them they are being silly when they do it next time? You may get a result if she knows she is being mocked for being immature / childish? Good luck.

You think, in 7 pages worth of thread, that someone hasn’t already suggested those things?

You can’t be bothered to read what everyone else has written, but you have to blurt out your suggestions several pages in, that lots of people have already said, for everyone else to read.

OK...

You know, people can have their say even if someone has said it before.

The poster's response to the opening post is a key point of contact. Thereafter, they might choose to read other people's responses or not.

I'm always surprised by the entitlement of MNers who think every post has to be read and digested before making a comment.

Did you show him the mess after she'd gone ?

Thanks for all the really helpful responses.

I haven’t touched the room (well I did a bit). I closed the door on the mess and left it!! It’s killing me 🤣

I did a quick check for anything really smelly if I’m being totally honest, but left plates, glasses, empty bottles, packets of sweets and crisps. Clothes and unmade bed where she left them. No wet towels to deal with as no shower!

DH hasn’t thought about it, I guess he thinks I’ve done it. I’m not sure I’ll last until week Friday but I’ll try!

I’m not sure how to tackle the whispering and walking out of the room. This is a bigger problem and I hate confrontation.

Open the door for a start!

@Chewingle sorry don’t understand?

You need to get your husband into that room Dundee.

By hook or by crook.

Maybe ask him to fetch the crockery and glassware.

You’ve closed the bedroom door
Keep it open so he sees every time he passes!

@trevthecat

You have to stop cleaning her room. That's disgusting and she should be sorting it, not you. She is old enough to clean her own sanitary products away

It sounds really stressful, and it's not 'normal' in our house. We have a similar set up, in that DP's DD (my SD) stays alternate weekends - also 17. She is a pleasure and she'll sit and chat, discuss homework, friends, play scrabble with us downstairs. My DP tends to pander to her and her brothers a bit too much IMO (they get lots of treats and don't really get asked to help out - which annoyed me at first, but he runs round after them himself and would never expect me to do this - he doesn't see them as much as he'd like so enjoys doing stuff for them). Your partner is modelling disrespect to you by his actions (ie engaging in the whispering, not enforcing any boundaries with her), so its a really difficult situation to be in. Yes, you need to tackle DP initially. I would not be cleaning up after her. Sit on your hands, put a lock on the door and hide the key, do anything you can to manage your impulse to clean and tidy her room!!!

Is your DH aware you haven't cleaned the room ? I would be tempted just to leave it..

Sounds like the little madam is coming to a lovely freshly clean and laundered room only to trash it again. Seems like you're good enough to to provide her with a nice room and food but not have to be civil to you

I'm sure something would be said (by her moaning to your DH). Is your DH stupid enough to moan to you about not cleaning her room ? Tell him this is what you have to put up with on top of her blatent rudness and it has to stop