Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

You sound completely reasonable, and your DH isn't just letting you down - he's letting his daughter down.

This is completely abnormal behaviour, and I say that as someone with ADHD who has been severely depressed in adolescence. Sleeping all day and night is not normal. Mess is, but used sanitary towels left lying about? I have never ever heard of that. There's mess and then there's a total lack of self care, and that's on that scale.

She needs help and he is choosing denial. It's disgusting of him. I say that as a parent of kids with additional needs, which a 17 year old girl doing this absolutely does have - whether temporary mental health struggles, or something deeper, or both.

I feel for you, obviously. But I also feel for her. That girl needs a level of love and support that is seemingly absolutely absent in her life.

If you clean the room, that facilitates his denial. I'd just leave the window open and the door firmly shut, and tell him he needs to clean it so he can see how she's able to live for himself. You doing it enables him in pretending all is well.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic over how horrendously she's allowed to behave to you. I think that the dynamic is set at this age, though, and her parents are the ones who allowed it. To say that they did and do her no favours is to massively understate. That poor girl - to be indulged on this scale is emotional neglect and to become angry with you for voicing concerns and pointing out that you are also a human being, and deserve basic courtesy in your own home, is to become angry with someone who is pointing that neglect out.

The selfishness of some parents infuriates me.

good god, get a grip. I'd be telling her to go upstairs and clear her vile mess before she leaves. You've given her everything to dispose of the sanitary towels, have you actually said anything to her? I'd matter of factly say to her she has to dispose of the sanitary pads.

A practical measure which might be helpful long-term is to objectively think about (or audit, if this is the right word) other features about DSD which suggest that she might be struggling with her MH.

Before Covid, did she meet up with friends?
Does she have interests?
Is she in touch with her cousins - if she has these?

Maybe DH could ask his GP to help him to help his daughter by suggesting some sources of information and advice.

Then, DH needs to show that he is doing something constructive to help her and in so doing to help you.

I think you are perfectly right to tell DH that you feel DSD might need a different response to the one she has been getting, and you feel your MH will suffer if something doesn't change.

My experience is with children who have special needs. My perspective might well be skewed. Apologies if so. However, I imagine that there are young people with undiscovered additional needs who do behave childishly because they struggle to behave appropriately. Whispering to a parent at the age of seventeen is unusual, and maybe a sign of some underlying difficulties.

That sullen silliness is not normal behaviour for a 17 year old. The sanitary towel thing is not normal behaviour full stop. If you like yourself, and I think you sound lovely, you owe it to yourself to tackle this.

Shutting the door and not cleaning the room needs to be backed up with a conversation. You, DH, and DSD - otherwise the actions are passive aggressive.
Sit down, all three of you, talk. Make it very clear about how gross this is and the expectations going forward including that you are not clearing up after her. Lay out the choices to both of them.
My goodness this is not a child but a young woman heading rapidly for adulthood.

Whether or not she has mental health things going on underneath all of this I wouldnt put up with her whispering when I walk into the room in my own house. How unspeakably rude.

Agreed with telling DH to clean up her dirty pads. Other than that not sure what I would do. Book into a hotel for the weekend when she is there?

YANBU, OP, it sounds as though you have really tried with her.

There's no relationship here so stop doing anything for her.

You say you will stop cleaning/tidy her room, that's good, but I would also let DH cook on days she is here.

Don't call her down for meals or anything.

And DH whispering with her is pathetic, I would have zero respect for him colluding with her to make you feel de trop in your own home.

Counselling for you and DH would surely help very much with this. A lot of perceptions could be unpicked. For instance, what actually is this whispering all about? If you are not in the room, OP, you aren't going to hear what is said anyway. Do why whisper. They can talk privately in the car. It makes me wonder in what manner is she talking quietly? Is it slightly embarrassing stuff, so she lowers her voice anyway? Is she smiling or frowning? Is she trying to assume a kind of exclusive intimacy with Dad which you can't share to prove to herself she has a hold on his feelings?
Have you asked DH whether she is talking about you, or rather saying something not for your ears for some reason - or something else?

A counsellor might say: "Oh that leaving the pill lying around is definitely parading/showing you both that she is a woman - a kind of rite of passage. She wants her dad to ask her if she has a boyfriend. " Or " She is jealous of you having her dad's attention and is trying to subconsciously compete with you as a grown up. The contraception says I am an adult too." I don't know what a counsellor would say, and maybe nothing like the above, but some very useful insights I'm sure based on understanding of adolescent psychology and experience.

Also, I'm quite sure that ex-wife would definitely feel and voice respect for you if your DH told her that you were clearing up her daughter's used sanitary products. She'd think you were a really good person to have been doing this for so long. She'd have to be completely unreasonable not to.

Leave the door wide open when she leaves. If it smells he will notice. When he mentions it say you don't don't to clean her mess and San pro anymore... either she does it or he does.

The personal hygiene is revolting. My eldest is a teen and daily showers are non negotiable - as are matters of hygiene. Out of core respect to the people you live with.

The whispering though? That’s just rude.
My exp’s youngest (much younger) used to do this and it drove me nuts. She basically ignored me and my children and would whisper to her father constantly and he would allow it/ not tackle it.
At your SD’a age she knows exactly what she’s doing. It’s just rude.

I appreciate you’ve said that you don’t have a DH problem but honestly? You do. This hasn’t happened overnight. This has been building up for years. She treats you and your home disrespectfully because he has allowed it. If you don’t see that as a problem I’m a little aghast.

OP your step daughter is a spoilt little cow. To stop the sanitary towel stuff you will have to embarrass her. Tell her in front of the father that it's disgusting. Picking up her bloody jam rags. Stinking up the house. With the whispering, when you walk into the room, breeze over to the sofa and plonk yourself down next to husband and give him a kiss on the cheek etc. As for her not being sociable...stuff it. Let her carry on staying in her room. Just enjoy the weekend with your husband. Maybe it she hears you both having fun she will come down and join in. Or she will carry on being a miserable cow.

Sounds like she lives online and has some depression going on. That's absolutely no excuse for that kind of behaviour. The mess, yes. I can understand that if she's depressed. But the sanitary towels and the whispering (that would piss me right off) is just her being a bitch.

Sorry to hear you have to put up with this OP. It's the way she's been brought up sadly.

Also, I'm quite sure that ex-wife would definitely feel and voice respect for you if your DH told her that you were clearing up her daughter's used sanitary products. She'd think you were a really good person to have been doing this for so long. She'd have to be completely unreasonable not to.

Yeah right.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

I used to work with emotionally disturbed teenagers in a boarding facility. Finding used sanitary pads in the bedrooms was, occasionally, one of the horrors of the job. Faeces smeared around the bathroom was another. Getting the perpetrators to clean up their mess usually prevented a recurrence.

This sounds miserable.

For what it's worth I think the following;

Do not under any circumstances go into her room after she leaves, or at all really. Close the door. She's 17 and her dad can help sort it. This really isn't yours to clean up.

I'd suggest you plan ahead a few weeks and get a big online shop delivered every Saturday morning. Then your husband can help put it away. It's so much easier when it arrives and you haven't had to spend a previous morning shopping.

I also think going forward that maybe your husband and stepdaughter could cook dinner once over the weekend she stays. It would be a nice activity for them and a rest for you. It also takes some pressure of having to cook, and if anything will demonstrate to them how much you do.

I'd start celebrating the weekends you have her as your quiet time. It's yours, I'd read a book, leisurely bath, once lockdown ends, see friends, go out got lunch. These weekends can be about you, you recharging. You've tried, for 10!years. You've more than done your bit, it's your time now.

And yes, teenage girls in the whole are disgusting. Much much worse than boys. What you described is what I'd say was the yucky end of normal.

Once she realises her dad is cleaning her room you'll find the sanitary products will disappear. Poof Magic!

I have just done a course on children with emotional and behavioural difficulties and the sanitary towel issues are very common amongst teenage girls.

@MzHz

Also, I'm quite sure that ex-wife would definitely feel and voice respect for you if your DH told her that you were clearing up her daughter's used sanitary products. She'd think you were a really good person to have been doing this for so long. She'd have to be completely unreasonable not to.

Yeah right.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

I’d be pretty disgusted with my child for treating anyone like that. However, presumably her mum has her the other 11 days when she’s not at Dads, it’s not unreasonable that she is her fathers responsibility for that time, it’s really not the Mums responsibility to know what goes on in the other house in that respect. If Dad had tried to tackle it and failed he might need to involve mum. I’d personally be thinking step mum was crazy to put up with that behaviour from the ex, but then many ex wives probably do think that!

The young lady sounds as though she may have some additional needs. It would be normal, surely, pre-Covid, to be seeing friends at the weekend. It sounds a little surprising that, by the age of seventeen, she is spending all the weekend, every other one, with dad, rather than, say saving Saturday morning to meet up with her mates in town: Saturday evening at youth club. It would be easier to stay out at home on Saturday where all her trinkets and makeup lives and where she will be near to school and vicinity of all her schoolmates.

It makes one wonder if the every-other-week gives mum a rest. OP hasn't said if there are younger siblings at home who loudly rule the roost, or DSD's mum wants private time with a partner. It's coming across as if DSD is rather young and immature for her age - possibly linked to some additional needs, and she doesn't have a social life.

Surely DH could say to his ex that he has some concerns about DD and had she noticed. Is the sanitary towel thing something she does... and: "Oh. We deal with it. Dundee has put a bin in the room and, well she gets on and clears up after DD herself. She puts on clinical gloves and picks stuff up and gives the room a good disinfect.". Ex we would be sure to say:"Well. Sorry she has had to do that. That's decent of her. Oh yes, I don't know what to do about DD staying in bed. It's very perplexing. I'll make an appointment with the GP, school pastoral officer, and let you know the outcome." Surely this would be the most likely response. It is unlikely the ex could have presented as intelligent and reasonable when the Partner got together with them, and then lose all ethics twelve years later. Not often, I wouldn't think.

Your dh shouts at you when you try to speak to him about being disrespected in your own home, which you help to pay for. It’s so bad that you have tried to write to him.

You have a dh problem. His daughter treats you with disrespect because that is what he does.

I wonder if your dh is aware at some level that there is a problem with his daughter but isn't willing to face it. That would explain some of his defensiveness.

But if he won't talk about it, I would tell him that she needs to clean that room up to a reasonable, non-gross degree, and that it is his job as dad rather than yours as step-mum to communicate that to her. And if he won't, he can clean it up.

I wouldn't do anything else at this point. But if he is the one doing that job he is going to be a lot harder to look away from the problem and you may find him more open to discussion.

@Diverseopinions so it’s not Dads responsibility to look after her one weekend a fortnight? Not his responsibility to clean the room? Not his responsibility to make medical appointments or speak to school? He should just hand over the problem to his ex partner and current partner to sort out? There’s nothing unethical in expecting a father to parent their own child. Parenting isn’t all about being ‘the good guy’ and indulging your child and just enjoying the positive side

Dundee has put a bin in the room and, well she gets on and clears up after DD herself. She puts on clinical gloves and picks stuff up and gives the room a good disinfect

He’d have to use the hands-free to tell her this, I take it, lacking opposable thumbs with which he could - hear me out here - do it his fucking self?

Oh I too would be horrified @BungleandGeorge if a child of mine so much as left an unmade bed or similar at someone’s house, but I know my oh ex will do whatever she can to ruin any time their dd spends at ours or with us.

This is a perverse reaction to being embittered towards the stepmum but not all ex wives are good people.

I think @Dundee67890 has done way more than her best, but she’s being let down appallingly by her h

I’d like to think you’re right that if photos of the state the room gets left in every week were sent to her mother that it would change. In my experience of bitter scenarios tho, it would encourage it.

The solution here is to close the door and let her live like that for as long as it takes for her to cop herself on and sort herself out.

This has been going on for the entire time, not just recently so likely to be reserved for where she gets away with it.

She wants @Dundee67890 gone. She’s playing a long and filthy game about it too.

@Thebusiness can you DM details of that?

Dundee has put a bin in the room and, well she gets on and clears up after DD herself. She puts on clinical gloves and picks stuff up and gives the room a good disinfect.". Ex we would be sure to say:"Well. Sorry she has had to do that. That's decent of her. Oh yes, I don't know what to do about DD staying in bed. It's very perplexing. I'll make an appointment with the GP, school pastoral officer, and let you know the outcome."

You're cute. Or something.