Is this normal for a step family?

[Dundee67890]

I have a situation at home that has gone on for so long I’m not even sure if it’s normal or not?

DSD is 17. I’ve been with her dad for 10 years and we’re married. She comes to our house every other weekend Fri to Monday. I wasn’t the reason her parents split but her mum hated me from the start and made my relationship with her daughter difficult from a young age.

When DSD is with us she rarely speaks to me. She’ll answer if I ask her something, but will never take the conversation further. She whispers with her dad regularly and she’ll stop talking if I walk into a room. Like most teens she spends most of the time in her room (even pre COVID). She has been with us since Friday and he literally spent the whole time in bed except for coming out when called for dinner. She’s taken drinks and breakfast back to bed.

She doesn’t wash or shower and her room is an awful mess when she leaves, used sanitary towels left lying around, dirty bed sheets - I don’t go in to her room when she’s here as it’s her private space but from a quick glance as I walk past (door ajar) it is a tip.

I don’t live like this. I work in a hospital and regularly work 50+ hours a week. My weekends are pretty special to my recovery from work and MH but I find the weekends she’s with us are stressful due to the difficult atmosphere.

I’ve tried talking to her dad but he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

I’m not trying to stop her coming, but is there any advice on what I can do to make it better for myself? Is it normal or AIBU?

This sayings awful. Poor you.

The period stuff is bizarre and her dad should be discussing it with her mum to see if it happens at her house.

You shouldn’t be expected to live like this. In normal times I would book into a hotel for the weekend and leave them to it😎

Are these visits part of a formal custody agreement? Will they end when she turns 18? Or does she visit because she wants to?

Tbh, do mums even ok to clear up their own dd's mess like that? I don't have dd so I don't know but I certainly didn't make my mum clear up things like that for me.

OP,

You sound like such a nice kind woman but so sad to read how little self esteem and respect you have for yourself.

10 years you have behaved like a skivvy in your own home for your husband and his child and he shouts you down when you object.

Hugely abusive.
You don't want to see it.
Or you simply can't see it.

I have 4 children and I would no more pick up a used sanitary towel than eat my hand.

My daughters would no more do something so utterly filthy as to leave one lying around.
We never have had a conversation about it because it just wouldn't occur to them to be so filthy.

That you go into her room and clean that shit up after being ignored all weekend is unbelievable.

No wonder your MH is fragile, allowing yourself to be so disrespected.

You sound bullied and afraid of them both.

I doubt from what you have written you will stop doing the skivvy work, cleaning up her room but believe me one of these days you will seriously regret accepting being treated so badly.

Oh and her having no ambition or going to college means you could have another 10+ years of this.

Her mother has her free weekends while you clean up after her filthy smelly child.

Every weekend she turns up to a clean room and a fresh bed and ignores the skivvy who did it.

Utterly unbelievable.

If you had an ounce of self esteem you would NEVER have done this, her father would have been left to do it.
I bet he would have insisted she not be so dirty.

But he has no respect for you so thinks it's all you deserve.

Like father.
Like daughter.

You deserve better.
You must be truly desperate to have accepted this treatment.

I apologise if you think I am harsh but you need to start thinking about yourself and your MH, putting up with such bullshit.

10 years.....WTF.

I don’t run a hotel and wouldn’t expect her to strip her bed after every visit but as she’s spent three days in bed without a shower I’d say that was more than normal use so would probably want her sheets changed.

I’m not sure about this. Why do you care how often she changes her sheets?

She sounds like a vile little beast.

Agree with PPs; shut her door when she’s gone and don’t clean it. She’s expecting you to clear up after her; don’t so it - she what her reaction is to you not being her slave.

Your husband sounds like a complete arse as he’s enabling her. Tell him to grow a spine and sort his daughter out - you shouldn’t have to live like this!

She sounds like a vile little beast.

Really? Where's your empathy? Happy teenagers don't behave this way.

Shut the door OP, post here if you get the urge to tidy.

I was a horrendous teenager when it came to mess at that's what my mum would do, I snapped out if it at 18 and realised I didn't want to live like that.

Only thing I would do is mentioned to your husband your no longer cleaning it so he's aware prior to her next arrival and cant say he thought you had done it. Put it in a text to him.

@Dundee67890 imagine how nice your life would be if your weekends had no SD and no H (nothing D about him) to bully you. You are being treated very badly. Have you actually thought about leaving?

Your husband is abusive if he shouts at you and ignores you being upset. Your SD is a bratty teen who is being damaged by terrible parenting.

I have a brilliant relationship with DSD. We're really close. The reason for that is that during her childhood DH and I operated as a team. If he hadn't backed me up 100% we might have ended up in the position you're in.

So don't think you're doing anything wrong, because you aren't. Your DH, otoh, is being a serious PITA. Every time he lets her whisper and disrespect you he's creating more trouble. And yet when you try to discuss these problems you say:

...he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

This is a serious problem and I think you're going to have to decide how far you're willing to take it. It's unhealthy for you and DH - must be exhausting and depressing. But it's also very unhappy and lonely for your DSD. Somehow you need to get them to acknowledge their problem. How you do that is another matter.

She sounds pretty miserable and probably depressed. I don’t think many 17 year old’s don’t shower and leave used sanitary towels lying around. By 17 they’re usually quite keen on hygiene.

As others have said though, you have a husband problem. He needs to talk to both his DD and his ex about this and he should be telling DD to tidy up after herself too.

Hi OP, my DD is nearly 16. She spends a LOT of time in her room and it's pretty messy. Comes down to eat, chat, watch Married at First Sight Australia with me and the occasional walk. Pretty normal I think. BUT she has a step mum who is much tidier than me/has higher standards in her home and I know for a fact she obeys the rules round at her dads and is a good bit tidier round there. I mean this kindly, but it's because my DD respects her step mum. Your problem here is that your DH does not respect you enough and he's transferred that lack of respect on to your step daughter who can see it. He needs to step up and parent basically. He needs to get his daughter to clean her own room and mess up or clean up after her himself if that fails. There need to be clear rules for standards acceptable to you in your own home which must come from him (to her). He needs to respect your feelings and put a stop to that whispering shite and any other disrespectful behaviour. This is your home and you shouldn't be made to feel like this. I very much agree with other posters who have said that you have a DH problem though (more than a SD problem). Well, you have both but the buck stops with him. YANBU though and I'm sorry you are being disrespected in your own home.

@PrawnofthePatriarchy

I have a brilliant relationship with DSD. We're really close. The reason for that is that during her childhood DH and I operated as a team. If he hadn't backed me up 100% we might have ended up in the position you're in.

So don't think you're doing anything wrong, because you aren't. Your DH, otoh, is being a serious PITA. Every time he lets her whisper and disrespect you he's creating more trouble. And yet when you try to discuss these problems you say:

...he is immediately defensive and starts shouting at me. He refuses to talk about it as he says she’s doing nothing wrong. I’ve tried writing to him but he just ignores me.

This is a serious problem and I think you're going to have to decide how far you're willing to take it. It's unhealthy for you and DH - must be exhausting and depressing. But it's also very unhappy and lonely for your DSD. Somehow you need to get them to acknowledge their problem. How you do that is another matter.

I think this is one of the best comments here....your husband's attitude, spinelessness, etc is both bad for you AND bad for this daughter he is supposed to love so much. It seems as if a very poor dynamic and atmosphere has been created over time which has made everyone varying degrees of unhappy. And all for the lack good boundaries, enforcement of manners and decency at the right times. It's very poor parenting and well as poor husbanding! I'm separated a number of years and although I've not had a serious relationship yet where I've introduced the children to someone, I have told them that if I do, I will expect them to be mannerly to anyone who is a guest in this house and that I expect them to give that person a chance. I will not be blackmailed, bullied or manipulated by anyone, including my own children into treating anyone else badly, as your husband is sort of doing here OP

Lots of insight as well as advice on here OP. Just a thought:
If you want to change someone's behaviour, you have to change how you react / behave in order to initiate a change in them. I'm not for a moment suggesting that you're to blame, just highlighting that it's the only thing you have the power to do.
As others have suggested, stop cleaning up after her. Close the door for the week and see what happens. It might generate some change in her - or maybe your DH? If one of them takes the initiative and tidies, changes sheets - win win. Pick your battles - if the whispering is a big issue then practice a response Something like "It's disrespectful when I'm in a room and you whisper like that. I'm respectful to you - do the same to me. Thank you".
Decide on what your priorities are and make a plan to tackle them. One thing at a time - small steps. And self check - are you so pissed off with her that it's coming out in ways that are unhelpful? Again - no criticism but it helps to be aware of how we might be unwittingly contributing to a problem.

If you’ve provided a bin and bags for her sanitary products and she doesn’t use them and leaves them lying around, that is totally disrespectful, she’s doing it on purpose as a big “fuck you” to you. Your DH absolutely shouldn’t be letting this happen. Next time refuse to clean up and send him in to deal with it. It’s completely unreasonable of him to shout at you for being unhappy about this issue. Let him deal with it.

If he carries on being vile to you I would be questioning the relationship tbh.

When you resort to writing a letter to your husband, and he ignores it, then you actually do have a DH problem, hard as that may be to accept OP.

I will get told off but send him a Book instead, tied by a ribbon

@Darker

She sounds like a vile little beast.

Really? Where's your empathy? Happy teenagers don't behave this way.

I was a depressed teenager - when I was early 20s. I didn’t leave used sanitary towels laying around!

There is NO excuse for poor hygiene.

*I was a depressed teenager - when I was early 20s. I didn’t leave used sanitary towels laying around!

There is NO excuse for poor hygiene.*

Really?

Will you still be putting yo with this when she’s 20, 25? Still skivvying for her on your previous weekend? Time to put the foot down, firmly.

Tut. Stupid fat fingers - “precious” weekend, obviously.

Maybe stop cleaning the room so when she comes back to stay she can see that your not a skivvy, also when you cook cook for yourself no one else. No one should be treated like that in their own home. I always got taught to respect my elders when i was growing up.
Also the not disposing of her sanitary towels disgusting vile girl, i wouldn't stand for that at all.

@Dundee67890

I asked him when she was younger to talk to her about respect and manners. Respecting other people who are not mum and dad. She’s pretty disrespectful to her grandparents too. He said he didn’t need to.

I’ve asked him to talk to her about whispering. To be fair he did put a stop to it for a short time, but it’s back again.

I don’t want her to have to talk to me under duress, but in fairness to me, I cook, clean and talk to her when I don’t really want to, so the least she could do is try to be a
Little sociable.

I find the disrespect to people who aren't mum/dad worrying. If she cannot respect other people then she will be completely unemployable in the future. What will DH do then?

I think she’s looking for her weak dad to actually set some boundaries

He won’t either, until her fifth and foul behaviour impacts on him.

I would not cook for anyone who doesn’t speak to me - including a grown man who supposedly knows that’s rude and who supports it. No.

I would not clean a room for anyone who deliberately left it in that state