To ask about your fav Mumsnet cliches

[HeidiHaughton]

Ltb being mine.

Never never ask a question about dogs on the doghouse.
Jesus Christ. I've seen onslaught of posters asking a simple question.
So according to Mumsnet
Always a rescue and it must be a sight dog
Never work
Never have kids
Have 6 acres of fenced off garden for said dog
Only feed raw or you are poisoning your darling dog.
A dog growls - must be muzzled because it's going to eat a child
A dog woofs - phone the rspca as it must be neglected
A dog must be spayed /neutered by it's first season or at 6wks which ever is more suitable
If you don't spay/neuter your dog you must be part of a network of puppy farmers.
Oh and all dogs apparently if they don't have 200% recall should be on lead and if you dare let them play with another dog your a bad owner.

I must have the only dog in England that woofs, growls has 50/50 recall. Eats food from a tin. Plays with other dogs , I let her off lead.
I'm a bad owner

@drinkingwineoutofamug

Never never ask a question about dogs on the doghouse. Jesus Christ. I've seen onslaught of posters asking a simple question. So according to Mumsnet Always a rescue and it must be a sight dog Never work Never have kids Have 6 acres of fenced off garden for said dog Only feed raw or you are poisoning your darling dog. A dog growls - must be muzzled because it's going to eat a child A dog woofs - phone the rspca as it must be neglected A dog must be spayed /neutered by it's first season or at 6wks which ever is more suitable If you don't spay/neuter your dog you must be part of a network of puppy farmers. Oh and all dogs apparently if they don't have 200% recall should be on lead and if you dare let them play with another dog your a bad owner.

I must have the only dog in England that woofs, growls has 50/50 recall. Eats food from a tin. Plays with other dogs , I let her off lead.
I'm a bad owner

But if your dog is caught worrying sheep because 'the lead broke' how many fucking times have I heard that story, the farmer is totally unreasonable in being so upset and angry at the second dog attack in six hours that he reminds them over the phone that he could quite legally shoot it, then all of MN descends to declare that he's mentally unstable, is directly threatening her life and in any case, he's got no right to be putting sheep in his field because people will want to walk their off lead vaguely attached to an extender dogs through it.

The MN schrodingers marriage

Marriage is simultaneously so sacred and precious that any infraction is a heinous crime and shows (the DH) has no respect for the importance of the institution...

...while at the same time marriage is so pointless and worthless that you should LTB and RUN away at the first sign of any problem

Marriage isn’t ever worth talking it through, just leave. But all the whole berating him for not seeing how amazingly important marriage is.

@GappyValley

The MN schrodingers marriage

Marriage is simultaneously so sacred and precious that any infraction is a heinous crime and shows (the DH) has no respect for the importance of the institution...

...while at the same time marriage is so pointless and worthless that you should LTB and RUN away at the first sign of any problem

Marriage isn’t ever worth talking it through, just leave. But all the whole berating him for not seeing how amazingly important marriage is.

🤣 YES.

Every person you've been seeing for more than 5 minutes is 'DP'.

@rawalpindithelabrador

Every person you've been seeing for more than 5 minutes is 'DP'.

Reminds me of the theead where the guy had his phone off and she was seeing him for 6 months and some posters were like ‘why is he not your NOK if you’re together’

@NeverDropYourMoonCup
I read that thread in disbelief that everyone thought the farmer was mental and it wasn't the owners fault her flimsy lead had snapped.
The farmer had every right to be furious .
Tbh retractable leads should be outlawed

“Couldn’t read and run”. then gives advice. I don’t understand what it means.

@bonfireheart

From a current thread but have noticed on others, the sheer number of mumsnetters who have gone out with international secret spies is hilarious.

It really is quite intriguing.

'Wife of top secret international spy here.' Yeah, right. And I'm checking in from orbit in the ISS.

I must have the only dog in England that woofs, growls has 50/50 recall. Eats food from a tin. Plays with other dogs , I let her off lead.
I'm a bad owner

No, I'm the other one! He does eat special food though as he's diabetic, but it has to come out of a tin as dry food = biscuits and biscuits = snacks and therefore not proper food.

He's also never been crate trained as that wasn't a "thing" when i was growing up and having dogs. He sleeps on our beds and on the sofa. He has no idea where his position is in the family because he has no concept of pack theory or whatever bullshit is being spouted by the apparent dog trainers which make up the 50% of the MN gobs who aren't ICU nurses and we've never "trained" him -just corrected his behaviour when he was being a dickhead and waited until he grew up and became civilised.

MN is totally batshit at the moment and I'm beginning to wonder if it is all a parallel universe (where rude children can't be told off my grandparents).

"I could never eat smart price chocolate."

"YABU for eating Dairy Milk."

I think my mum has the third dog in that set. He has a bed that he drags around and drops it wherever it is he wants to sleep. She did try crate training him after the vet said he should be in one for safety when no one is home/everyone is in bed, she bought the one the vet recommended and the stupid git somehow managed to get both front paws out of it. He wouldn't know what to do with raw food, he sits patiently in front of the microwave until my mum heats up his (from a tin) dog food and he won't get out of his bed on a morning until he sees her putting out his cornflakes. If he hears an airplane he runs outside and stands up on the garden bench (to put him closer to it) and growls "menacingly" until it goes away. If there's a bird then he goes apeshit and runs away yelping because birds = terrifying. He has zero recall as he is completely deaf so when he lead is unclipped he zooms off and comes back when he gets bored of running around, there is no guarantee it'll be us he comes back to and has been known to tag along with other dog walkers. He once managed to go home with one, we were tearing all over the nature reserve looking for the old fella and meanwhile he's living it up in the nice, warm house of some random person who was posting all over the residents group trying to find the owners of the "lost dog that followed her home". If he sees a bigger dog then he will becomes its shadow because in his head he is a very big dog, if he sees a smaller dog he runs away yelping, I guess because he thinks it might be a bird.

Everyone has fascinating but incomprehensible "regional accent", except me, who has a neutral accent that no one could ever place but rest assured it makes the Queen sound like a slack jawed hillbilly.

'That sounds like an awful lot of salt' whenever anyone posts about what they've had for dinner

And visceral fat. Won't somebody think of the visceral fat...

@SecretSpAD
@FoxyTheFox
My kind of dogs . Yes she barks at planes. Hates black dogs - needs to look in a mirror there 😬
Never did the crate either. It got put up, scared the dog , sent back
She was feral when we got her , she now has some manners .
I am a nurse associate who's worked on icu though but deffo not a dog trainer

I'm the only fat bastard on Mumsnet. Everybody else is either teeny tiny or flagellating themselves for being one sandwich over the recommended BMI range.

I had cake for breakfast. I'm not sorry.

@FoxyTheFox I love your mums dog

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

I'm the only fat bastard on Mumsnet. Everybody else is either teeny tiny or flagellating themselves for being one sandwich over the recommended BMI range.

You are because every single one of them keeled over dead from obesity, but first single-handedly bankrupted the NHS (Donald Trump has been bailing them out for ages). They're all in hell with those who consumed white carbs or drank alcohol alone, the NHS crumbled off Dover cliffs due to them.

Thank you. He's a bit of a twat but he's a loveable twat. He's 16 and we'll miss him so much when he does eventually toddle off (probably after running headfirst into the closed patio door one too many times).

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

I'm the only fat bastard on Mumsnet. Everybody else is either teeny tiny or flagellating themselves for being one sandwich over the recommended BMI range.

You mean size 8 curvy hour glasses, with wide hips and teeny tiny waists.

It has to be "wow! Just wow!" for me.

Do you talk like that in real life? (And did you mean to be so rude 😉)

The doghouse is hilarious. If everyone thinking of buying a dog went on there no one would ever get one!

There's one poster who sticks in my mind. No matter what breed someone is considering getting, or what their circumstances are, or How they describe the breeder, they are DEFINITELY...

A) not home enough to have a dog (because they may possibly in the future fancy a day at a theme park)

B) buying from a puppy farm/back yard breeder

C) unable to cater for the dogs needs as they don't want to walk for 5 hours a day

D) pure evil because they plan to leave the dog alone for 10 minutes when they do the school run.

Competitive under eating "does anyone else think 1500 calories a day is too much? I feel full and a bit sick after 300"

Competetive under drinking "I only drink at weddings, and then just a sip with a toast. Any more than that I am seriously drunk and suffer a hangover for days"

The terminally offended. There's a brilliant thread running about how it's offensive to say you're "having an indian" for tea. Does this person think everyone pops across the globe and indulges in a bit of cannibalism every Friday night?

If you have any spare money, you must not spend it on something you enjoy, or brings you happiness. You MUST give it immediately to charity (unless you plan to spend it on a spa break or highlights)

Anyone who is thin starves themselves, has an eating disorder and is obsessed with their weight and no fun.
Anyone who is overweight is greedy and just doesn't move enough.
SAHMs with school age children cannot reasonably be expected to work because of life admin, but should have full control of the family money and 'DH' should do 50% of housework etc plus being the sole breadwinner.
If the woman is the sole breadwinner 'DH' is a cocklodger and she should have full control of the finances and allow him a meagre allowance as he is clearly a feckless loser.

DC always have their parents old, decrepit phone...