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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask at what age you put your child in nursery?

333 replies

chuckb4ss · 05/02/2021 18:08

Was it part time or full time, and did you feel it was beneficial for your child?

I've read that research shows babies should be with their primary caregiver for the first few years in order to create a secure, healthy attachment, but I simply cannot last that long!

OP posts:
Neolara · 06/02/2021 14:12

When they were 3.

itshappened · 06/02/2021 14:12

I can't believe how judgemental some of the comments on here are. Nurseries are not all the same... at the one my children attend, each carer has a maximum of 2 children until they are over 2. There is no chance my children were left crying and alone... they adore the staff there, even those who work in other rooms and especially the lady who makes the food! I may not spend all day with them, but I do know if my children are happy or not. My eldest has friends to play with all day, is learning to count and write letters, and can't wait to show me all their drawings/ paintings etc at the end of the day. Whilst my now 1 year old has so much fun rolling around in paint and making a mess. The staff love telling me all the stories of him laughing and dancing to music. The photos they share with me are hilarious. And the best thing? there are no screens and they get plenty of fresh air playing outside.

Having to work full time does not make me a bad mother, and I was of course emotional sending them both to nursery when they were so little. But they were not sad at all to be left there and it means the time we do have together at weekends is very special for all of us.

slitheringsnakes · 06/02/2021 14:14

3 months for DC1 and 4 months for DC2. They were both very happy there. 3 days a week.

slitheringsnakes · 06/02/2021 14:16

We were lucky with our nursery. The (small) baby room was led by a middle-aged woman who had decades of experience. They were extremely well looked after.

Parker231 · 06/02/2021 14:39

@itshappened - totally agree. Nurseries are good - we visited loads before deciding on the right one for DT’s. A nanny would have been cheaper but we wanted the benefits of a nursery.
Using a nursery does not harm babies and was a positive decision for DH, DT’s and I. There is nothing wrong with continuing with your career. I didn’t have any guilt as I knew we had made the right decision for our family. I would have hated staying at home as my friends were at work, no family in the U.K. and friends who had babies at a similar time were also returning to work.

TheJerkStore · 06/02/2021 14:44

[quote Eastie77]@TheJerkStore if that is the case then I think women who feel guilty need to grow a thicker skin and stop fixating on other people's opinions.

As mentioned, my DC went to a childminder when they were a year old. I've read countless comments on MN about the perils of this kind of childcare and other comments about leaving a child in any kind of childcare when they are under 3. I've never given any of these comments a second thought as I've always felt confident in my choice. This actually reminds me that a neighbour once told me she felt 'so sorry and sad' for my DC when she saw the CM dropping them home in the evening as they were clearly exhausted. She asked me if I felt working FT and gaining money at the expense of missing their childhood was worth itGrin

I actually think it's quite infantilising to suggest women are so impressionable and lacking in agency that many are wracked with guilt or ruin their careers because of the opinions of random people (on the internet or IRL). Personally I think most of us are unconcerned with other people's views and so if MrGrinch thinks it's sad to see young children in childcare...well, I just can't get too exercised about that. [/quote]
I'm a university academic and women's career development is my specific specialism. I've interviewed lots and lots of women over the years and discussed this very topic.
Next time I shall be sure to make it clear that those feelings are nothing to do with deep rooted inequalities and societal expectations and that women should just grow a thicker skin!!
Excellent

Meanwhile, as we witness decades worth of women's progress in the labour market crash and burn within a matter of months we can tell ourselves that people's outdated views on men and women's roles in society, the home and the workplace have no bearing on this and a thicker skin is all that's required.

Strongerthanilook · 06/02/2021 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ileflottante · 06/02/2021 15:33

[quote Mrgrinch]@Eastie77 Thank you, it is only my opinion after all. I think people on here do an excellent job of thinking that their culture is the only one that matters and all others are wrong.[/quote]
No one minded you having an opinion, what I personally minded was that it was dripping judgement and in particular you deciding that I didn’t care when I put my kid in childcare.

Ileflottante · 06/02/2021 15:34

In other words, have opinion but don’t be a dick about it.

Parker231 · 06/02/2021 16:25

I think it’s a Mn thing as I’ve never encountered criticism and negative comments in RL in having your baby in nursery whilst you and your DH work. In fact amongst my family and friends it’s the norm and you are congratulated.

TheJerkStore · 06/02/2021 16:41

@Parker231

I think it’s a Mn thing as I’ve never encountered criticism and negative comments in RL in having your baby in nursery whilst you and your DH work. In fact amongst my family and friends it’s the norm and you are congratulated.
I had a number of colleagues tell me how awful it was that I had to return to work full time. It wasn't awful and I didn't have to ......

Me and DH worked together at he time but nobody ever told him how awful it was that he had to work full time.

HazelWong · 06/02/2021 16:48

@Parker231

I think it’s a Mn thing as I’ve never encountered criticism and negative comments in RL in having your baby in nursery whilst you and your DH work. In fact amongst my family and friends it’s the norm and you are congratulated.
I think you focus on what surprises you on a large forum. I am like you - I don't know any SAHMs (my age) and I sort of think of whether or not to work or stay at home with kids as a debate from 30-40 years ago. So it feels to me like there are loads of SAHMs on here and I find it genuinely surprising to see.

But I also see a lot of comments on here from posters who perceive all mumsnetters as working in high powered careers

luckylavender · 06/02/2021 17:17

16 weeks, full time. No regrets.

AmIBeingTwatty · 06/02/2021 17:22

I’ve never known anyone in real life actually be congratulated for returning to work :/

Eastie77 · 06/02/2021 17:22

@TheJerkStore I'm not suggesting women are not impacted by sexism.

This thread is about childcare. I am suggesting that women shouldn't make childcare decisions that run counter to their best interests simply because they are weighed down with other people's views and the associated guilt.

If women were less concerned about what other people/society think is best for their children we would be a lot happier. So yes, a thicker skin would be useful. How many men do you know who second guess themselves and tie themselves up in knots over who is looking after their child because of someone else's opinion?

There is of course a broader discussion about deep rooted sexism and the structural inequalities that force women out of the workforce. Those are factors that are beyond a woman's control. Quite different from "I didn't go back to work because people said childcare is harmful and I felt guilty about leaving DC for x hours a day..".

LalalalalalaLand123 · 06/02/2021 17:25

9 months. Statutory maternity pay ended, needed to work.

pilates · 06/02/2021 17:31

2.6
2.4
Started with a couple of afternoons and just before school increased to 4 mornings.

Parker231 · 06/02/2021 17:31

Aml - friends and family were pleased as I’d passed my professional qualifications just before DT’s were born which had taken three years post grad. They were pleased I was continuing with my career and the opportunities it would give me.

welshweasel · 06/02/2021 17:32

Full time at 4.5 months and 5.5 months. No regrets, they thrived and I enjoyed being back at work, and the whole family benefitted financially.

peboh · 06/02/2021 17:36

We're looking at putting dd in nursery soonish she's two (25 months). I wasn't planning on her going until she's aged 3 and starts at school nursery, as I'm a sahm and love this time with her. However she's developmentally delayed, and suspected asd so it's been recommended by her paed and portage support worker that it could be good to help.
I know children who all started nursery between the ages of 6 months and 4, and they all have great relationships with their parents.

TheJerkStore · 06/02/2021 17:40

[quote Eastie77]@TheJerkStore I'm not suggesting women are not impacted by sexism.

This thread is about childcare. I am suggesting that women shouldn't make childcare decisions that run counter to their best interests simply because they are weighed down with other people's views and the associated guilt.

If women were less concerned about what other people/society think is best for their children we would be a lot happier. So yes, a thicker skin would be useful. How many men do you know who second guess themselves and tie themselves up in knots over who is looking after their child because of someone else's opinion?

There is of course a broader discussion about deep rooted sexism and the structural inequalities that force women out of the workforce. Those are factors that are beyond a woman's control. Quite different from "I didn't go back to work because people said childcare is harmful and I felt guilty about leaving DC for x hours a day..".

[/quote]
You're massively underestimating the impact of societal expectations on women's decisions to return to work, return full time and therefore use childcare.

You're right men don't make those comments because society doesn't ask them to.
As soon as a woman announces she's pregnant she is asked about her work and childcare plans. Men don't get asked if they are going to return to work once the baby is born, if they're going to work part time etc. Society assumes they will continue to work full time.

Saying women just need to develop thicker skins is insulting and little ignorant to the multitude of factors at play.

WannabeOT · 06/02/2021 17:42

1 year and 1 month for two afternoons a week, then two full days when I started working when she was one and a half. She loves it and I've never had a concern about her development or attachment!

She currently does an extra afternoon during the week to help get us through lock down

BackforGood · 06/02/2021 17:55

Anyone who feels nothing about leaving their child at four months old is clearly worlds away from me. Leaving them because it's necessary but also wishing you could be with them is one thing, but not caring is just unbelievable.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion on a thread @Mrgrinch. the issue is, you are just making stuff up here ^

Where are you getting this rubbish from ? Where has anyone said they don't care ?

@strawberriesontheNeva . I absolutely don't dispute there are some nurseries like that out there. I've seen some of them. I also know of many, many children who have anything from a shockingly poor existence, right through to a completely neglectful experience at home. I wouldn't write off all Nurseries anymore than I would write off all parents. There are some lovely Nurseries out there. There are also thousands of wonderful Childminders.
What is annoying on these threads is people saying point blank, it is 'terrible' to 'put' a child into childcare.

pointythings · 06/02/2021 18:10

I agree there are some shocking nurseries out there - the first one I checked out for DD1 (now 20) was so bad I just said hell, no.

The one she went to in the end was fabulous, and when it closed down the one she went to and stayed (also the one DD2 went to) was even better. DDs are now 18 and 20 and still say hello to their former key workers when they run into them in town.

DenisetheMenace · 06/02/2021 18:14

Mrgrinch

@Eastie77 Thank you, it is only my opinion after all. I think people on here do an excellent job of thinking that their culture is the only one that matters and all others are wrong.“

To be fair, Mrgrinch, you’ve given a pretty good impression of someone who feels that way yourself.