To ask at what age you put your child in nursery?

[chuckb4ss]

Was it part time or full time, and did you feel it was beneficial for your child?

I've read that research shows babies should be with their primary caregiver for the first few years in order to create a secure, healthy attachment, but I simply cannot last that long!

I think a lot of people on this thread who say that babies don’t need anyone else except their parents until 18mo have the luxury of older children who weren’t born during covid. My DD is now 10 months and during that time has only ever seen other children and babies from afar. Even her cousins she’s never met up close because her entire life has been in lockdown or restricted. She is absolutely missing out on interaction with other babies. My husband and I can tell she’s bored with spending every day with us and not being able to do much.

So babies might only need to be at home with their parents until 18mo, but that’s assuming that their parents will be socialising them with family / friends / baby group / neighbours etc etc. For those babies born during covid they have had none of that.

My DD will start 2 days of nursery a week when she turns 1 and I’m bloody excited for her. I know she’ll do well and will really enjoy the socialisation aspect of just being around other people. I’m not going to feel guilty for that one bit.

@TheJerkStore

but not caring is just unbelievable.

Why do you assume parents (sorry mothers 🙄) don't care? It's not so black and white.

TheJerkStore apparently we women are allowed to work, but only whilst wearing a hair shirt and flagellating ourselves as the tears of existential guilt over our awful abandonment of our children to The Dungeon Of Childcare aka nursery flow down our cheeks.

FFS.

I have several friends who became SAHMs only to find their lives overturned when their husbands fucked off with a younger, sexier, child-free new woman. I feel zero guilt over always having worked and looking at my DDs it's abundantly clear that they have not been damaged at all by going to nursery.

Ds1 was 10 months when I went back to work. 4 days a week. It was fine, he was at the same nursery until he went to school aged 4 and he definitely formed strong bonds with staff and peers.

Ds2 I went back to work when he was 9 months but we used a combination of family and nursery, he was usually with family tbh. But he started school based nursery aged 3 and really thrived there.

Ds3 went to a cm 4 days a week from 9.5 months and that became 5 days a week very soon after when I got a different job. He genuinely loves his cm. She is family to him.

The judgemental rubbish about childcare and how children need SAHPs is really quite boring and I'm uninterested in listening to those who want to spout it; their opinions are irrelevant to me and my family.

I find this conversation interesting as I'm English but had my DD in France where I still live. Here paid maternity leave is 12 weeks pp and most women go back to work then and babies are put into either a crèche or more frequently with a childminder.

I found it a bit surprising and scary to start off with. But I went back to work when DD was 4 months (I used up leave to extend for a month) and DD goes full time 9-6 to the childminders. It's worked really well and DD loves it there - but my main point is that it's very usual for young babies in France to go into childcare settings and the country isn't full of insecure, damaged adults. So I think you're fine.

It's a bit odd to say your non-verbal child of 6-15 months "absolutely loved it" - how on earth would you know that?!

You may struggle to interpret the communication of non verbal babies but some parents are really quite good at it.

TheJerkStore apparently we women are allowed to work, but only whilst wearing a hair shirt and flagellating ourselves as the tears of existential guilt over our awful abandonment of our children to The Dungeon Of Childcare aka nursery flow down our cheeks.

It's ridiculous

DSs nursery was wonderful and he still talks about it now!

FFS.

I have several friends who became SAHMs only to find their lives overturned when their husbands fucked off with a younger, sexier, child-free new woman. I feel zero guilt over always having worked and looking at my DDs it's abundantly clear that they have not been damaged at all by going to nursery.

This is always a worry

kersh33 100% - childcare is so culturally shaped, and people can’t see it if they don’t have work colleagues / friends / family that gives them a different perspective

Even within the UK I imagine you have very different attitudes, depending on work type / social circles etc

I find it really sad that women are expected to feel guilty at using childcare for babies, whilst men aren't.

But we all keep biting mrgrinch's line, so we're making someone happy.

7 months...because I had no choice other than to return to work as a single parent.

2 1/2 first child, 3 second, both 3 mornings a week. Didn’t need to but they were each ready to begin socialising.

@speakout

I didn't. Only a pre school year at 4- part time ( reception equivalent) Far too busy having fun and learning to want to use nursery.

🤣 Wow 😯

DD started nursery at 3yrs and it was horrendous, she screamed the place down for weeks and she changed from being quite outgoing and forward to really shy (still like that now at 7).

DS started nursery at 13 months and is much more confident and outgoing.

Obviously nursery could have had nothing to do with it and it's just personality types, but I genuinely think keeping DD out until she was 3 did her no favours.

First child part time 3 days from 6 months; full time once got to age 3. Second child 4 days from 6 months to a year then full time. First was anxious to start and it was hard settling in but got there eventually. Very clingy to me and I would feel devastated leaving, but the staff would say as soon as I had left the crying stopped. Going back to work after maternity leave is always hard and takes time to adjust. Second child was a dream, don't know what happened. Other babies would be crying and mine would be chilled like what's the big deal. Staff all wanted to be his keyworker. 😂 Completely different experiences with both of them. But they went to fab nurseries, had a brilliant time learning and forming friendships; and it definitely gave them a great start in life. No regrets.

@pitterpatterrain

kersh33 100% - childcare is so culturally shaped, and people can’t see it if they don’t have work colleagues / friends / family that gives them a different perspective

Even within the UK I imagine you have very different attitudes, depending on work type / social circles etc

It's interesting isn't @pitterpatterrain ? Here it really is the norm and no one bats an eyelid. There's certainly no judgement about sending your child to childcare. In fact a lot of people, including my paediatrician, told me how it's better to get babies in childcare before separation anxiety kicks in at 7/8 months. That way they're used to having other people care for them.

Just a very different perspective from back in the UK where there does seem to much more guilt about putting children in nursery.

@ShirleyPhallus

I think a lot of people on this thread who say that babies don’t need anyone else except their parents until 18mo have the luxury of older children who weren’t born during covid. My DD is now 10 months and during that time has only ever seen other children and babies from afar. Even her cousins she’s never met up close because her entire life has been in lockdown or restricted. She is absolutely missing out on interaction with other babies. My husband and I can tell she’s bored with spending every day with us and not being able to do much.

So babies might only need to be at home with their parents until 18mo, but that’s assuming that their parents will be socialising them with family / friends / baby group / neighbours etc etc. For those babies born during covid they have had none of that.

My DD will start 2 days of nursery a week when she turns 1 and I’m bloody excited for her. I know she’ll do well and will really enjoy the socialisation aspect of just being around other people. I’m not going to feel guilty for that one bit.

Mine is the same, but they don't need to socialise with other babies until they are 2 minimum. They really do just need to socialise with their main caregiver.

@Mrgrinch is entitled to their opinion. Personally I don't agree with it although I understand why some people from some cultures would find the thought of a baby in childcare 5 days a week from morning to evening odd or upsetting. We are looking at this through a Western lens, "...in the US/France it's normal to leave a child in childcare at 4 months.." but whether we like it or not, in many countries around the world it would be considered shocking and tantamount to child abuse to do that.

My DC were with a childminder until they started pre-school nursery when they were 3. It was my preferred choice because I didn't think nursery was the right fit for them at 12 months old when I went back to work. When I mentioned this on another childcare thread I was accused of nursery-bashing I don't think there's anything wrong with nurseries at all. My mum sent me to to one and I turned out great
I simply made a choice based on what was right for my own children. To each their own. These kinds of threads always become very emotive because people (mothers) feel judged whatever childcare or stay at home option they make. Honestly, just do whatever is right for you and your child.

@Mrgrinch is entitled to their opinion. Personally I don't agree with it although I understand why some people from some cultures would find the thought of a baby in childcare 5 days a week from morning to evening odd or upsetting. We are looking at this through a Western lens, "...in the US/France it's normal to leave a child in childcare at 4 months.." but whether we like it or not, in many countries around the world it would be considered shocking and tantamount to child abuse to do that.

I don't have an issue with people having differing opinions on childcare. Of course that's okay. However, it becomes a problem when that turns into women being judged for choosing to work.
It's always women that are told they should be feeling guilty for using childcare like it's only for their benefit and men have the right to work without having to consider childcare options or feeling any kind of guilt.
That's when I have a problem with it because it's attitudes like that which is contributing to the fact that it's women's careers that are being disproportionately impacted during the pandemic and why we're seeing women take on the bulk of childcare and homeschooling responsibilities even when they are working and gave a partner at home.

@Eastie77 Thank you, it is only my opinion after all. I think people on here do an excellent job of thinking that their culture is the only one that matters and all others are wrong.

I've worked in nurseries with big baby rooms . Babies left sitting in bouncy chairs when crying. Picked up only to be fed/ changed.
Vomiting/ diarrhoea bugs rampant in winter ( both staff and babies affected) constant snotty noses all year round . Miserable underpaid staff who cannot afford to eat, cannot share lunch with the children , even though huge amounts of left overs.
Staff work hard and are treated like crap by management and parents , unless there's a show around and have to act happy. If staff are miserable then they won't care for children the best.
I wouldn't subject my dc to that . I think the ratio of 1:3 is bad for a baby room ( I think ideally it should be 1:2)

@strawberriesontheNeva

I've worked in nurseries with big baby rooms . Babies left sitting in bouncy chairs when crying. Picked up only to be fed/ changed. Vomiting/ diarrhoea bugs rampant in winter ( both staff and babies affected) constant snotty noses all year round . Miserable underpaid staff who cannot afford to eat, cannot share lunch with the children , even though huge amounts of left overs. Staff work hard and are treated like crap by management and parents , unless there's a show around and have to act happy. If staff are miserable then they won't care for children the best. I wouldn't subject my dc to that . I think the ratio of 1:3 is bad for a baby room ( I think ideally it should be 1:2)

I left as staff because of this.

@strawberriesontheNeva

I've worked in nurseries with big baby rooms . Babies left sitting in bouncy chairs when crying. Picked up only to be fed/ changed. Vomiting/ diarrhoea bugs rampant in winter ( both staff and babies affected) constant snotty noses all year round . Miserable underpaid staff who cannot afford to eat, cannot share lunch with the children , even though huge amounts of left overs. Staff work hard and are treated like crap by management and parents , unless there's a show around and have to act happy. If staff are miserable then they won't care for children the best. I wouldn't subject my dc to that . I think the ratio of 1:3 is bad for a baby room ( I think ideally it should be 1:2)

You do know not all nurseries are like this though....

There are some excellent providers out there.

Wow @strawberriesontheNeva that is seriously horrific!! Breaks my heart, those poor babies being mistreated.

Well done @Nonamesavail I can imagine it was soul destroying.

Was anything done about it in either case? I'd have had to warn the parents on my way out.

But I do wonder if you're seeing what you want to see when you say nursery isn't working well for children under 18 months?

@SarahAndQuack I really don't think so - as I said, DS went to nursery at 12 months. It would be easy to say how he loved going and was as happy as if he were at home (and I'd want that to be true), but whilst he didn't cry or cling, I still think he'd have much preferred staying with me or DH. We needed to work, to pay our mortgage (and because we both enjoy our careers).

On balance I think it was the right thing to do as a family, but I'm not going to lie to myself and pretend it was all for DS' benefit or that he wouldn't have preferred to stay at home.

3 months, when my mat leave ended. I had to start mat leave at 6 months pregnant for health reasons.

@TheJerkStore if that is the case then I think women who feel guilty need to grow a thicker skin and stop fixating on other people's opinions.

As mentioned, my DC went to a childminder when they were a year old. I've read countless comments on MN about the perils of this kind of childcare and other comments about leaving a child in any kind of childcare when they are under 3. I've never given any of these comments a second thought as I've always felt confident in my choice. This actually reminds me that a neighbour once told me she felt 'so sorry and sad' for my DC when she saw the CM dropping them home in the evening as they were clearly exhausted. She asked me if I felt working FT and gaining money at the expense of missing their childhood was worth it

I actually think it's quite infantilising to suggest women are so impressionable and lacking in agency that many are wracked with guilt or ruin their careers because of the opinions of random people (on the internet or IRL). Personally I think most of us are unconcerned with other people's views and so if MrGrinch thinks it's sad to see young children in childcare...well, I just can't get too exercised about that.