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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask at what age you put your child in nursery?

333 replies

chuckb4ss · 05/02/2021 18:08

Was it part time or full time, and did you feel it was beneficial for your child?

I've read that research shows babies should be with their primary caregiver for the first few years in order to create a secure, healthy attachment, but I simply cannot last that long!

OP posts:
ElevenBells · 05/02/2021 22:38

Because that is not what babies need. They need their mother. In my culture women don't (usually) work and it's completely alien to me, and to be honest heartbreaking

Ok well maybe get your head around and be respectful of other cultures where woman need or want to work

thetaleunfolds · 05/02/2021 22:39

He started part time (2 days a week) at 18 months. I work from home so didn't have a need before that however he progressed and learned SO much from being there. He starts school in September and I know it's prepared him well

HavelockVetinari · 05/02/2021 22:40

It's a bit odd to say your non-verbal child of 6-15 months "absolutely loved it" - how on earth would you know that?! Because they didn't cry at drop-off? Or seemed ok?

Babies of that age are programmed to want their primary caregiver above all others. Cortisol levels rise the longer they're away from said caregiver.

DS went to nursery 3 days per week at 12 months - it was necessary for us as a family - but it was definitely not for his benefit alone. Babies prefer their parents, and don't need socialisation with other infants till 18m+

It's right for parents to do what's best for them as a family, but I don't think it's honest to portray a very early nursery start as beneficial to the child ("he/she LOVED it"). It's always a balancing act, which is why parenting is so bloody tough.

pointythings · 05/02/2021 22:45

@Mrgrinch

So I'm not allowed to express that it's upsetting to me? Jesus Christ every time I give an opinion from my (different) perspective, I get attacked.
Because your perspective is outdated. What about same sex couples (two men)? And you can be upset all you like, but the reality is that in many parts of the world, both parents have to work. There are advantages to this: when my late husband dived into the bottle and our marriage broke down, I was able to step up because I had always worked, and raise our DDs myself without us ending up impoverished. Looking at them now, I am bloody proud of what they and I have achieved, and grateful that I never gave up work.
Mrgrinch · 05/02/2021 22:45

@ElevenBells

*Because that is not what babies need. They need their mother. In my culture women don't (usually) work and it's completely alien to me, and to be honest heartbreaking*

Ok well maybe get your head around and be respectful of other cultures where woman need or want to work

I get that they want to work, but I struggle to see how spending that much time away from an infant can be beneficial to them? That's what's so upsetting. And the fact that their mother is missing out on such a large portion of their early life, time that will never be repeated.

Not everyone has to be okay with it. The same as not everyone has to agree with me, but people pretending they can't even see why it would be upsetting are just kidding themselves in my eyes.

FlowEr262 · 05/02/2021 22:46

Pre school 3 mornings

Dd1 aged 2.10 and took a quite a while to settle. Probably would have to stay at home forever!

Dd2 aged 2.6 and loved every minute of it and probably would have liked to have gone earlier!

DipSwimSwoosh · 05/02/2021 22:47

The first 2 were with a childminder from 8 months to 2 years, then preschool. The youngest went to nursery at 18 months as I couldn't find a decent childminder then. I much prefer childminder + preschool if there are good ones. Best thing is to be with me all the time but I couldn't afford that.

VestaTilley · 05/02/2021 22:47

14 months, 4 days a week. He really likes going and DH and I had to return to work.

He was upset going for the first week, but settled well after that. I recommend it, and he’s developed a lot as a result. If your DC is secure in your love they should be absolutely fine.

TheJerkStore · 05/02/2021 22:47

That's what's so upsetting. And the fact that their mother is missing out on such a large portion of their early life, time that will never be repeated.

How do you feel about working dads? Do you feel sad for them missing out too?

NerrSnerr · 05/02/2021 22:49

And the fact that their mother is missing out on such a large portion of their early life, time that will never be repeated.

What about the father? Is it sad their father misses out too or is it Penis dependent?

Mrgrinch · 05/02/2021 22:49

@TheJerkStore

That's what's so upsetting. And the fact that their mother is missing out on such a large portion of their early life, time that will never be repeated.

How do you feel about working dads? Do you feel sad for them missing out too?

Of course, but I'm not stupid and I know someone needs to work. But the bond between a mother and her baby is sacred and far stronger.
SimonJT · 05/02/2021 22:50

@TheJerkStore

That's what's so upsetting. And the fact that their mother is missing out on such a large portion of their early life, time that will never be repeated.

How do you feel about working dads? Do you feel sad for them missing out too?

Mrgrinch clearly only has a problem with women who have independence and aren’t chained to the sink.
ElevenBells · 05/02/2021 22:51

@TheJerkStore you got there before I could Smile

Nonamesavail · 05/02/2021 22:51

@HavelockVetinari

It's a bit odd to say your non-verbal child of 6-15 months "absolutely loved it" - how on earth would you know that?! Because they didn't cry at drop-off? Or seemed ok?

Babies of that age are programmed to want their primary caregiver above all others. Cortisol levels rise the longer they're away from said caregiver.

DS went to nursery 3 days per week at 12 months - it was necessary for us as a family - but it was definitely not for his benefit alone. Babies prefer their parents, and don't need socialisation with other infants till 18m+

It's right for parents to do what's best for them as a family, but I don't think it's honest to portray a very early nursery start as beneficial to the child ("he/she LOVED it"). It's always a balancing act, which is why parenting is so bloody tough.

This
Mrgrinch · 05/02/2021 22:51

Mrgrinch clearly only has a problem with women who have independence and aren’t chained to the sink.

As usual people are attacking me and putting words in my mouth. Always the same on here.

ElevenBells · 05/02/2021 22:52

@Mrgrinch what about same sex male parents?

TheJerkStore · 05/02/2021 22:53

Of course, but I'm not stupid and I know someone needs to work. But the bond between a mother and her baby is sacred and far stronger.

I think my husband ( and many other men) would disagree wholeheartedly.

TheJerkStore · 05/02/2021 22:54

Mrgrinch clearly only has a problem with women who have independence and aren’t chained to the sink.

Clearly.... there's always one on these types of threads!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 05/02/2021 22:55

@Mrgrinch

So I'm not allowed to express that it's upsetting to me? Jesus Christ every time I give an opinion from my (different) perspective, I get attacked.
Well quite frankly you're being ridiculous. Being "upset" over how someone else chooses to parent? Get a grip. And this is from someone who was a SAHM until DS started school.
TheJerkStore · 05/02/2021 22:55

[quote ElevenBells]@TheJerkStore you got there before I could Smile[/quote]
I shouldn't bite but it makes me angry!

user1506328491 · 05/02/2021 22:57

@havelockvetinari - agree. It would be better if mums could be more honest WITH THEMSELVES.
The idea of 6 month olds (and anything sub 18MO?) thriving / learning loads / 'having friends' says to me that people want to tell themselves something that isn't quite true.
I use childcare but prior to a certain age (toddler?) I don't think its optimal. I admit that to myself.

SandyY2K · 05/02/2021 22:57

I put my first in nursery at 2 years old ...part time 3 days a week. She was with a CM full time before that, but I reduced the CM to 2 days.

The CM told me she was too young for nursery and I told her they took babies from 6 months old.

I did the same with my second, but I then reduced to part time work (3 days) with 2 DC.

I found it beneficial for both DC, as there was more structured learning in the day....they could mix with other children and (more adults) were more independent and not clingy to me.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 05/02/2021 22:57

@Mrgrinch

Mrgrinch clearly only has a problem with women who have independence and aren’t chained to the sink.

As usual people are attacking me and putting words in my mouth. Always the same on here.

People are "attacking" you because you are judging women for their life choices, which you have no right to do. Don't say you're not, because you are.
Parker231 · 05/02/2021 22:57

Using a nursery doesn’t affect the bond between a baby and their parents. Nothing changes that and it’s no different from working and non working parents.

DT’s have an equally strong bond with DH and I - there’s no difference between mother and father.

Fifthtimelucky · 05/02/2021 23:30

5 months. Maternity pay wasn't as generous in those days so I needed to get back to work.

I worked 3 days a week and the nursery could only fit her in one day a week so she had a childminder for other two.