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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fucking bitches????

131 replies

SunsetSenora · 04/02/2021 23:17

Called in to a group call tonight, group of 6 women I have known for a long time and have had weekly zooms with since March. I lost my mother a few weeks ago after a year of hell and am waiting to be able to bury her. I have not been calling into this group since mum died, because I dont want to be a downer to everyone on what is usually a quite light and fun chat. But I thought tonight I would be nice to say hello for a few minutes. They were in the middle of a chat about music they used to listen to when they were younger when I joined the call. And just kept talking about that. Like, not just one more comment, but about 5 or 6 with no end in sight. I get that I am not the centre of the universe, but would you wait to get round to checking in with a bereaved friend because you were still talking about good records to dance to? I ended up saying I had to go but think they are a bunch of fucking bitches for the way they behaved. YABU - yes, I would expect to fit it into the conversation later. YANBU - I would say it immediately.

OP posts:
JetBlackSteed · 04/02/2021 23:22

I'm sorry for your loss. If you were my friend I would have absolutely mentioned your mum. People are strange though with knowing what to say. Have any of your friends messaged you separately from the weekly zoom call?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 04/02/2021 23:24

YANBU that's awful OP Thanks

I will say this though, grief can have a funny way of making things seem like bigger deal than they are so maybe sleep on it rather than going charging in now and feeling daft about it later.

Imworthit · 04/02/2021 23:26

It’s hard to gauge they may not have wanted to bring you down. May have been waiting for what seemed like an appropriate moment. Trying to cheer you up.

On the other hand might just be cunts. When my stepdad died my best friend blocked me for calling her at 1am, I’d already been having a hard time, and the guy I was seeing asked why I was trying to bring him down. I cut them both off and life has been great since. Best friend actually had the nerve to message me a year later to ask if I was ‘better' now. Yes bitch but I’ll never forgive you.

I’m so sorry for your loss 💐

PurpleDaisies · 04/02/2021 23:26

That sort of zoom etiquette is awkward when someone joins halfway through a conversation.

I don’t think your friends were totally out of order here.

Sorry for your loss. Flowers

Embarrasedaf · 04/02/2021 23:26

Wait, did they say hello and greet you or not?

stonebrambleboy · 04/02/2021 23:27

I'm so sorry about your mum.
Personally I don't buy this ' people don't know what to say' nonsense.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 04/02/2021 23:27

If you have been avoiding talking to them its entirely possible they think that you don't want to talk so just carried on as usual.

Sorry about your mum Flowers

Macronisanarse · 04/02/2021 23:29

I'm so sorry xx

How long did you stay on the call listening? It's awful of them not to acknowledge your loss. I'm presuming they all knew?

Whitecup4 · 04/02/2021 23:30

Depends, did they greet you and say hello? If so I think it’s fine as they might thought mentioning it would upset you.

If they just completely ignored you then yes, they are bitches!

Sulkywoman · 04/02/2021 23:30

Zoom meet up are strange and the etiquette hasn’t really been sorted out. Having said that if these women are friends in real life they should have noticed and acknowledged your loss and that you were grieving. You must be feeling shit but there will be a chance on another occasion if it is the kind of group that talks about real things . Friendships have also gone haywire since lockdown I think. Nobody really dealing with stuff well.

OddshoesOddsocks · 04/02/2021 23:31

Did they say hello at least?
If they didn’t acknowledge you then absolutely YANBU but if they did and then carried on their conversation then I think YAB(a little bit)U.

I am RUBBISH at knowing what to say and equally rubbish at discussing sensitive issues in my own life so I wouldn’t have mentioned it straight off. I think I’d have hoped that you wouldn’t have wanted to talk about it and waited to see if someone else brought it up although I’m aware that that might make me a shitty person...

So sorry about your mum Flowers don’t write your friends off just yet x

KrisAkabusi · 04/02/2021 23:32

Have you spoken to them individually since your mother died, or is this the first time you've been in contact? If they've extended condolences before, it might not be as bad. Or maybe they just wanted to keep your mind off it.

Liveitalittle · 04/02/2021 23:32

So sorry you lost your mum.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2021 23:33

Have you heard from any of them individually since you lost your mum?

They might be fucking bitches but they might think you popped on to take your mind off things and would prefer some lighthearted chatter. You haven’t been on the call for a bit so if they’d stopped mid sentence and said “oh god Sunset, it’s so sad, how awful, poor you” they might have worried you’d feel put on the spot or burst into tears. Some people are also shit about discussing death. It’s something we do extremely poorly in this country. We’ve lost our grieving rituals completely and are worse off for it.

If they’re usually good friends, individually or as a group, then don’t write them off.

Sorry you’ve lost your mum Flowers

KnobblyWand · 04/02/2021 23:34

Did you say hello, did they? It does all sound rather awkward.

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

Maves · 04/02/2021 23:36

Sorry you've lost your mum.
You've just said yourself you didn't join the previous chats as you didn't want to bring them down....maybe they thought the same, maybe they didn't want you to get upset.

dontgobaconmyheart · 04/02/2021 23:39

I absolutely see how hurtful that must have felt OP but yes I do think you were B a bit U to call other women "fucking bitches" for any reason really and then leave before it can be discussed as adults. It's just horrible sexist language.

Have they not offered condolences or checked in on you individually by text or call since her passing? If they have perhaps they didn't feel a need to bring it up in case that caused upset when you had closely been avoiding socialising prior it would be a bit of a potentially foot in mouth moment to leap on it when you suddenly turned up.

I don't say that to defend them, just that people are shit at these things and it would be a shame to be feeling worse when they didn't intend to inflict harm.

So sorry for your loss, and so sorry that you've been left feeling unsupported at this time by friends.

Original poster
SunsetSenora · 04/02/2021 23:42

@Whitecup4

Depends, did they greet you and say hello? If so I think it’s fine as they might thought mentioning it would upset you.

If they just completely ignored you then yes, they are bitches!

No, they kind of paused the conversation but then instead of someone asking how are you, carried on with their conversation. I think it may be awkwardness, but think the whole 'if I ask you it will make you feel worse' thing is kind of a cop out. It just felt really weird and uncaring.
OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 04/02/2021 23:44

No, they kind of paused the conversation but then instead of someone asking how are you, carried on with their conversation.

Did anyone say hello or wave or something?

m0therofdragons · 04/02/2021 23:45

Have they contacted you separately? I would have been in touch with you privately so then I wouldn’t bring it up on a group call.

Original poster
SunsetSenora · 04/02/2021 23:46

@dontgobaconmyheart

I absolutely see how hurtful that must have felt OP but yes I do think you were B a bit U to call other women "fucking bitches" for any reason really and then leave before it can be discussed as adults. It's just horrible sexist language.

Have they not offered condolences or checked in on you individually by text or call since her passing? If they have perhaps they didn't feel a need to bring it up in case that caused upset when you had closely been avoiding socialising prior it would be a bit of a potentially foot in mouth moment to leap on it when you suddenly turned up.

I don't say that to defend them, just that people are shit at these things and it would be a shame to be feeling worse when they didn't intend to inflict harm.

So sorry for your loss, and so sorry that you've been left feeling unsupported at this time by friends.

I didnt call them fucking bitches on the call - I just said I had to leave the call after about 10 minutes. Then got really upset and called them that in my head. And on here. One person has been good about checking in, another sent flowers. I am sure you are right and they didnt mean to be hurtful, I know that everyone is struggling with lockdown, has busy lives etc. But it is just weird to me.
OP posts:
Bigbigbirfday · 04/02/2021 23:46

I’ve had a group zoom tonight and I could only see the last person that spoke. It’s perfectly possible they didn’t know you were there.

Gyeonggiflufficoochi · 04/02/2021 23:46

I'm so sorry for your loss xx are you sure they noticed that you had joined the call? As I've been on a few brownie zoom calls with my daughter and they hadn't realised she had joined once when we were late. If they had noticed then maybe they just dealt with it the wrong way, I'm in no way trying to minimise how you feel but sometimes people don't know what to do when someone they care about is grieving xxx my best friend lost her Dad to cancer last year and she asked me not to hug her or talk about it in a sad way, so I always treat her as if it hadn't happened, I only mention her dad when i remember something funny about him and we laugh about good memories.

Porridgeoat · 04/02/2021 23:48

I’d wait till we were alone to ask personal questions. I’d feel awful putting someone in the spot light in front of lots of people. I would however greet you and ask a more general ‘how are you?’ I think it’s ok to chat about pop music or whatever foe a while, then change topic

PeggyHill · 04/02/2021 23:50

Did they acknowledge you joined? Did they say hello?

Sorry, I'm not trying to be pedantic, it's just not clear in the OP.

If they completely ignored you then that is terrible.

If they did acknowledge that you joined the call then I don't think what they did was bad, really. I think it's ok for "sorry to hear about your mum, how are you doing?" to come later in the conversation. I don't think there's a hard and fast rule about it.

I would also say that they may have thought you joined in that call to just feel "normal" and chat shit together. Maybe they thought you didn't want the conversation to immediately become about your grief.

Have they offered condolences in other ways? If they have separately texted or called to check in then I think that's fine. If they haven't bothered to do that then I do think you were justified in feeling upset on that call.