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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fucking bitches????

131 replies

SunsetSenora · 04/02/2021 23:17

Called in to a group call tonight, group of 6 women I have known for a long time and have had weekly zooms with since March. I lost my mother a few weeks ago after a year of hell and am waiting to be able to bury her. I have not been calling into this group since mum died, because I dont want to be a downer to everyone on what is usually a quite light and fun chat. But I thought tonight I would be nice to say hello for a few minutes. They were in the middle of a chat about music they used to listen to when they were younger when I joined the call. And just kept talking about that. Like, not just one more comment, but about 5 or 6 with no end in sight. I get that I am not the centre of the universe, but would you wait to get round to checking in with a bereaved friend because you were still talking about good records to dance to? I ended up saying I had to go but think they are a bunch of fucking bitches for the way they behaved. YABU - yes, I would expect to fit it into the conversation later. YANBU - I would say it immediately.

OP posts:
Mally2020 · 04/02/2021 23:56

neither, you said yourself you've been avoiding the chat for a while, I would assume you didn't want to talk about it because of that. I would also feel very awkward and not know what to say after so long. I am sorry for your loss but you're being massively unreasonable.

Original poster
SunsetSenora · 04/02/2021 23:57

@Gyeonggiflufficoochi

I'm so sorry for your loss xx are you sure they noticed that you had joined the call? As I've been on a few brownie zoom calls with my daughter and they hadn't realised she had joined once when we were late. If they had noticed then maybe they just dealt with it the wrong way, I'm in no way trying to minimise how you feel but sometimes people don't know what to do when someone they care about is grieving xxx my best friend lost her Dad to cancer last year and she asked me not to hug her or talk about it in a sad way, so I always treat her as if it hadn't happened, I only mention her dad when i remember something funny about him and we laugh about good memories.
Sounds like you had a good conversation with your friend and she was clear about what she wanted, which you were a good friend and supported. Yes, they noticed as they waved.
OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 04/02/2021 23:58

Yes, they noticed as they waved.

That would be an absolutely appropriate greeting in my group of friends. Zoom is tricky. I wouldn’t expect a conversation to stop and immediately turn to me.

Viviennemary · 05/02/2021 00:00

I think they would have behaved differently if it wasn't a zoom call.. But I don't know them. I doubt they were just bring horrible for the sake of it.

Fere · 05/02/2021 00:00

Did you join in and said hello?

visitorfromtheplanetzog · 05/02/2021 00:02

If people haven't experienced the loss of a close family member they find it really difficult to know what to do or say, and because of that they tend to say nothing at all, and will quite often avoid speaking to the bereaved person for fear of saying the wrong thing.

I'm sure they didn't mean to upset you OP. Flowers

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 05/02/2021 00:03

@Porridgeoat

I’d wait till we were alone to ask personal questions. I’d feel awful putting someone in the spot light in front of lots of people. I would however greet you and ask a more general ‘how are you?’ I think it’s ok to chat about pop music or whatever foe a while, then change topic
Agree with this. You had only just joined the call, and they hadn't had time to gauge your mood.

Imagine you had gone to join them in the pub, and they were in the middle of a conversation when you arrived. Would you expect them all immediately to break off and ask about your mum? Or would you expect to settle in, get yourself a drink, and for the conversation to turn to your mum after a few minutes?

RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 00:03

I don't know OP - I don't think I would have brought it up on a group zoom call either

PurpleDaisies · 05/02/2021 00:04

If people haven't experienced the loss of a close family member they find it really difficult to know what to do or say, and because of that they tend to say nothing at all, and will quite often avoid speaking to the bereaved person for fear of saying the wrong thing.

Even if they have, a group zoom call where one person joins mid conversation isn’t easy to manage.

HaveringWavering · 05/02/2021 00:06

One person has been good about checking in, another sent flowers.

Out of SIX supposedly close friends one contacted you and another sent flowers and that is it? Your Mum died and 4 of them didn’t even contact you directly? That is inexcusable. Move on from them.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

whatwherewhywhenhow · 05/02/2021 00:11

They’ve made contact separately and acknowledged you joined the call. In fairness, you were late to join the call and that’s always awkward. Given you hadn’t wanted to be on the calls recently, understandably, because you were grieving they couldn’t know whether to bring it up or not. I don’t think they were unreasonable.

Sorry for your loss.

Greenevalley · 05/02/2021 00:13

That’s awful op.
I would have expected your friends to say how are you? And so pleased you could make the chat.
It’s thoughtless. You deserve better.

converseandjeans · 05/02/2021 00:20

I think you're over thinking it - and I don't mean that nastily. But they were obviously mid flow & probably just expected you to join in?

If you have had flowers, other messages then I don't think they were being deliberately unkind, more not noticing enough.

Try not to push them away as it sounds like they are generally a nice bunch.

Also they may not have lost a parent yet, so may not really comprehend how awful it is.

truthisalie · 05/02/2021 00:20

I do think good friends with a bit of empathy should have switched their attention to OP. That would have been polite and the right thing to.

truthisalie · 05/02/2021 00:24

But the friends could have stopped their conversation and asked the OP a few questions. "hi, How are you OP?" "Are you alright?" "We are so glad to see you again."

Gyeonggiflufficoochi · 05/02/2021 00:24

@SunsetSenora thank you for your reply, I'm being really selfish here but it's good to get some reassurance from you that I'm being a good friend as you know what shes going through, you've really helped me 💗 I'm really unsure how I feel about how your friends have acted towards you, my first instinct was to agree that they are fucking bitches, but now I'm thinking they are in a shit situation with not being allowed to see you in person and support you, Zoom calls aren't the same (they feel fake and disconnected if you know what I mean) xxx

BidensWingWoman · 05/02/2021 00:25

There's no way I would bring up a bereavement in a group setting. Not because I don't care, but because I do. A group situation is not the time or place. I had that done to me after my father died and I didn't feel supported. I felt exposed. It was awful.

What in would do is ask how you are. But again, in a zoom meeting that someone had joined when it's already in full flow, it's tricky to do that without disrupting the whole conversation. Zoom is awkward for that, you can't just have a quiet conversation with one person while the rest of the group chat.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

PeggyHill · 05/02/2021 00:26

One person has been good about checking in, another sent flowers.

That certainly gives this a bit of context. The zoom call incident seems quite shitty when you consider that 4 of those people have not bothered to acknowledge what happened or check in with you. I Would definitely be upset with those people.

The ones who did make the effort have done nothing wrong, as far as I can see.

Italiangreyhound · 05/02/2021 00:27

I am so sorry about your mum.

I think YANBU, they should have said something. But maybe they just could not think how to say something or what to say.

Thanks
Gyeonggiflufficoochi · 05/02/2021 00:28

The first thing I do when someone is upset is cuddle them. If I'm talking on the phone to a friend who's upset I feel really awkward and don't know what to say, I think you should tell them how you feel xx

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 05/02/2021 00:29

So sorry for your loss Op Flowers. It sounds like you have had a rough year and yes if I had been on that call I would have greeted you as soon as you joined and asked how you were doing. You are grieving and frankly YANBU to call them bitches in this case, after all you only called them that in your head.

I definitely think they have been tactless and unkind, but I would wait to see if any of them contact you in the next few days. In my experience I found some people said the most extraordinarily tactless and unfeeling things and I just put it down to stupidity.

Gyeonggiflufficoochi · 05/02/2021 00:29

That certainly gives this a bit of context. The zoom call incident seems quite shitty when you consider that 4 of those people have not bothered to acknowledge what happened or check in with you. I Would definitely be upset with those people.

The ones who did make the effort have done nothing wrong, as far as I can see.

@peggyhill this xxx

Grandfather · 05/02/2021 00:30

Your coming across as needy

RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 00:33

@Grandfather

Your coming across as needy
Hmm
ThePluckOfTheCoward · 05/02/2021 00:36

@Grandfather

Your coming across as needy
I'll say it again in my experience I found some people said the most extraordinarily tactless and unfeeling things and I just put it down to stupidity.

As evidenced by the ignorant (and illiterate) comment above.