Fucking bitches????

[SunsetSenora]

Called in to a group call tonight, group of 6 women I have known for a long time and have had weekly zooms with since March. I lost my mother a few weeks ago after a year of hell and am waiting to be able to bury her. I have not been calling into this group since mum died, because I dont want to be a downer to everyone on what is usually a quite light and fun chat. But I thought tonight I would be nice to say hello for a few minutes. They were in the middle of a chat about music they used to listen to when they were younger when I joined the call. And just kept talking about that. Like, not just one more comment, but about 5 or 6 with no end in sight. I get that I am not the centre of the universe, but would you wait to get round to checking in with a bereaved friend because you were still talking about good records to dance to? I ended up saying I had to go but think they are a bunch of fucking bitches for the way they behaved. YABU - yes, I would expect to fit it into the conversation later. YANBU - I would say it immediately.

Hi OP very sorry for your loss

I had read your previous post about your mum being poorly and you were looking after her and I think no one from this group contacted you except the one friend you mentioned it to.
If the rest knew about your loss and still didn't mention about it, then its not the friends you need ..If they dont have that much decency then they are not worth keeping company.

I’m sorry for your loss. I am someone who finds things like this extremely awkward and ALWAYS say the wrong thing. I hate talking about grief because my words always come out wrong and it makes me sound insensitive. I certainly wouldn’t put you on the spot in a group zoom because I would think that would make you feel singled out, especially since you’ve avoided these calls recently. An old colleague lost her DH very suddenly in tragic circumstances so I went round her house to see her, I planned what I would say but as soon as I saw her face all I could muster was “I’m so sorry, are you ok?” As soon as I said it I felt absolutely awful, what a stupid thing to say, of course she isn’t ok! It just fell out my mouth and she answered “of course I’m not ok” but we hugged and then someone else turned up and distracted the situation. I felt terrible and it was such a rude thing for me to say but I am just so awkward around emotions. When I experience loss I never want to speak about it, I just like to deal with it on my own. I don’t want to be constantly reminded of it so perhaps they thought that may be the best approach?

I would have rather gently mention it at an appropriate time rather than abruptly halt the conversation, put you on the spot and risk publically embarrassing you. People try to be sensitive with issues like this and often get it wrong

OP I'm very sorry for your loss though I don't think your friends are 'fucking bitches' as you put it.

I think you are being far far too sensitive, let me explain.

You joined the chat late - had you have stuck around for the whole zoom and they hadn't said anything then yes they'd be fucking bitches but for them to just cut their conversation dead and remind you of an upsetting thing right away would be weird?

Whilst you took offence to them not stopping the convo I know many people that would have got annoyed at them for focusing on it right away.

Your friends are not mind readers and therefore, wouldn't have known the specific time and minute to ask if you were ok - I don't think you gave it enough time to judge the situation,

My mum died two months ago and I had very similar experiences to you, all which made my grief so much worse. One of my best friends days after my mum died walked past me and my dad in the street and she didn’t even mention it, just carried on normally talking about her baby and laughing on -I’ll never be able to look at her in the same light. I told her how I felt days after and although she sent a card and a present there was no apology or acknowledgement of what a shitty thing that was to do.

Even if they weren’t great on the zoom call, I think they could have followed up afterwards and sent a message saying it was nice to see you and how you were doing.

That poster who said you were needy - now is just ignore this. Not even worth thinking about.

When you’ve just lost your mum you’re going to need everyone to be sensitive, there for you and doing their best. They won’t all do it but you’ll come to peace with it, at least I have anyway.

Sending you lots of love as this is a really horrible thing to deal with, one of the hardest in anyone’s life. Don’t ever apologise for how you feel because feelings are there for a reason.

Ive just revisited this thread so many soft and hard words No help though
Im getting tired of words
Words belong to politicians
I think some of us need help