What was the best thing your parents did?

[Plmoknijb123]

I am a new mother, and thinking about how to raise my child etc, and wonder...what was the best thing your parents did for you?

In my case, it was that my mum never pushed me into anything or forced my into achieving things. She fully supported whatever I wanted and tried to nurture my natural talents and interests.

So AIBU to ask you for the best thing your parents did, to give me some insight into how to be a good parent?

Gave me a love of books.

Gave me debating skills, honed around the dinner table.

Made me independent and not fear going off by myself to do things.

Persuaded me to go to uni when I didn't want to leave my first love!

My dm is quite old fashioned and believes in marrying once etc, but absolutely not to the extent of tolerating abuse. She used to say that women in abusive situations are made to feel ashamed, but the shame is not theirs, it belongs to the person treating them in that way. She taught us about healthy relationships and that if a person abused us in any way even once, you mustn’t ignore it or make excuses as there are none whatsoever which justify this type of behaviour. We were told to walk away and never look back.

I have a great husband who pulls his weight with the family (he doesn’t ‘babysit’, he parents) because that is what I grew up with and I wouldn’t expect any less. He can be thoughtless at times, but knows that I won’t hang around and put up with poor behaviour. I am very clear about what is and isn’t acceptable to me, and happy to articulate that when necessary, because of my dm.

I am in my early forties, and know that I could rock up at my dm’s house with my kids and no money and there would always be room for us. You can’t buy the feeling of security that knowledge brings and I hope that my dc feel the same.

My mother taught me that you don’t need to love or respect your parents. This was a very useful lesson I’ve now put into practice myself.

Validated my emotions, taught me from a young age to label the emotions I was feeling and think why was I feeling them
i.e. "Are you really angry or are you sad about x? What is making you angry?" I'm not talking always big discussions but just prompting me to be introspective to my own feelings rather than just blindly feeling and reacting to things without thinking has made me an adult much more in control of my own understanding of myself and has had a positive effect on my mental health (and ability to recognise when I'm not doing so well before i spiral)

Actually, the best thing was not to control me as other parents did to my classmates. So after moving from my parent's house I had great self-control so there were no problems with me. The bigger part of my classmates who were overcontrolled had problems with drugs, alcohol, and their studies. So you need to know what your kid does but try not to control every single step.

They had/have a very loving relationshipwith each other. I saw that and aspired to the same and fortunately have the same with DH. They also told me I could be anything I wanted to be (they were both ultimate feminists although my dad would never describe himself that way).They were proud of me, vocally. It gave me great self-esteem.My mum is very full of fun, lots of ideas, wants to do lots of things.Not sure I realised this much as ayoung kid but I started to see this in my teens and the whole positivity, lust for life she has is inspiring.Love my parents.

Good work ethic, always treat people like you would want to be treated and by dad taught me how to change a tyre on a car when I passed my test which has come in useful so many times when I have been stranded with a flat on my own.

Emphasis on the importance of education. Meant that I had all the choices available to me at the end of school.

... didn't stop me going to live with my grandparents from the age of 14.

Believed in us unconditionally
Told us that they loved us every day
Were open that their relationship took hard work
Talked to us like grown ups
Insisted on good manners / table manners
Took us to interesting unusual places on holiday
Encouraged us to enjoy galleries, theatre, opera etc.
Placed a huge value on education
Read to us every night
Never tried to control what we read
Taught us how to enjoy wine
Had a sense of humour and took things lightly
Always asked us to reflect on our own part in any conflict rather than assuming we were perfect / in the right
Talked openly about mental health / therapy etc

My mum in particular was just "always there". She was constant and consistent. I always knew that my sister and I were her priority.

My mum always came across as enjoying our company and didn’t make us feel like we were hard work, which was great.

Neither of my parents tried to force us on any particular direction study or career wise which I think was positive.

I feel a great sense of loss when I hear about all these amazing mothers.
I entered adult life without a clue. Was talked out of medical school- despite being offered a place - taught to defer to men, how to always put my own needs last. To shut up and not question, not talk back, be sweet and nice, how to be a good girl.

Gave me the freedom to make a choice .....

That what ever happened, I could always go home. If anything went wrong or I did something stupid I could call and they would be there. They would help me to sort out mistakes, not judge.

I’m an only child and had a horrendous relationship with my mum, right up until she died. However, the one thing she got right was encouraging me to have lots of friends. It was an open house, people were always welcome. I had constantly sleepovers, birthday parties, a homeless friend even moved in for a year and topped and tailed in my bed, no questions asked. I was always surrounded. I’ve tried hard to make sure my own have the same but weirdly, they’re not fussed. My stepkids love having friends in when they’re here with us but I don’t think they really do at home?!

I am in my early forties, and know that I could rock up at my dm’s house with my kids and no money and there would always be room for us.

^^ amazing how many people do not have that. Dh doesn't but he wouldnt want to go there - we had an emergency and had to leave our home with very short notice his lovely DM in a large 7 bed house said our then 2 year old was welcome!!

NC with them now, but gave me a love for nature and the environment. I will always feel in debt to them because of that.

They both made some serious mistakes, but in the grand scheme of parents, I can’t complain. The best bits:

• always said “I love you”
• my mum in particular, always there when I need her and would do anything I asked
• valued education
• it never occurred to me that there were people who would think females were less capable of doing things than males. I’m so grateful for that foundation
• raised a badass

They let me get bored from time to time. I learned how to entertain myself and boost my creativity.

I had constantly sleepovers, birthday parties, a homeless friend even moved in for a year and topped and tailed in my bed, no questions asked. I was always surrounded.

Sounds horrendous. Any idea why your own children don''t feel so enthusiastic?

@speakout probably because they have a lot of siblings so don’t feel the need? Have you ever been an only child? It’s not great.