Am I being undermined by family & should my own & my childrens relationship with my Dad be conditional?

[StaySaneBeBonkers]

Should my Dad be making my & my childrens relationship with him conditional to us having contact with his wife who is jealous & controlling? Big falling out with her & I refuse to allow her selfish controlling ways that have impacted & limited my relationship with my dad over many years to continue with his grandchildren.

You keep talking about how things SHOULD be, and you May well be right
However, it won’t make it so. You have known your Dad is a shit Dad for years and that he puts his wife first so why are you surprised when the same thing keeps happening?
It’s time to accept reality, they come as a package and for whatever reason your siblings have decided to accept that. I wouldn’t blame you if you took a different viewpoint but it’s how it is and the sooner you stop hoping (and in fact demanding)/it changes the better for your sanity.

I agree with PP that you probably do need to talk through your childhood. It sounds like you saw more of the difficulties than your siblings and find it harder to forgive your father. Especially if you had to work to help support them. That's a lot for a young person.

Sometimes it's not about being right but doing what you have to in order to live your best life. Is all this feuding with your dad and his wife helping you to live your best life?

You put the top hat on things when you sent a Christmas card to just him and was so disrespectful about his wife. There was nowhere to go with that except no contact.

He's a pile of shit as a Dad, but you've decided to get into a power game of ownership with his Wife. His wife might be slightly controlling but possibly because your Father isn't a person who can be trusted.

It was up to him to plan and organise a holiday with you as children. He didn't do that so you didn't get a holiday. He still owes your Mother money, but you aren't condemning him for that, just his Wife.

You need to separate your anger and bitterness and stop wanting to punish her.

@StaySaneBeBonkers

By the way Vivio - if my husband behaved like she has absolutely I would expect the same. He would never dream of harming any of my relationships in fact he promotes them as you would hope in a partner. He completely gets where I am coming from & over a long time has observed the behaviours I have a problem with. He is from a while different setup with family behaving reasonably & like they should be dont get me wrong no odys perfect including me but there are lines to be respected as I have respected myself with certain people. Completely respected & even though I dont see eye to eye with certain people we like eachother.

But you don’t speak for everyone in your family OP. You don’t get to decide who is “welcome” in the family and who isn’t. No one else seems to have an issue with your stepmother.

And on that point, what was the problem with your siblings attending your stepsibling’s wedding? Why were you annoyed about that? Do you think you should control what your siblings do too?

Hopping green reply :-

Completely agree but siblings & my dad are the ones who have/do contact me & drop presents. It's not presents I want lol 8-) .....

Have been getting on with my life quite happily but its others asking me to forget about it & move on (in my dads case disrespectedly still insisting on shoving his wife in my face when knowing my feelings). I can move on with them if they acknowledge the consequences of their actions but they wont see the errors of their ways. It's like a cult ..... if they knock enough they'll get you back on a fishing line while continuing with the same bad behaviour. If lessons aren't learnt & they cant assure me they have I'm not going there. I don't think this is unreasonable & the opposing posts I've been sent have not changed my mind. They are full of buzz word stereotypes where they clearly havent read facts I've stated so their views are probably based on either their own bad attitudes or ignorance. There are quite a few though that are fairly balanced & they have a different view which is fair enough. My point is simple - if I or my sons have a relationship with my dad its not dictated & controlled by an interfering wife who came along long after me & hijacked my relationship with my father. He is an equal traitor actually blackmailing me more to the point. I notice in one or two posts people have actually had the cheek to acuse me of this ignoring the real elephant in the room!

I'm thinking that a bit more is going on here! I suspect you may have been resentful of anyone in your dads life? She's controlling, how? That they do stuff together and don't want you excluding her at family gatherings etc?

The fact your siblings have a good enough relationship to go to the stepsons wedding implies a lot - they might be making an effort and perhaps agree with you to your face to keep the peace. Parents meeting someone later in life changes dynamics, my kids are having to deal with that with me as are Dp's - so yes we make an effort to see them alone, but they also know they need to accept our choices and if they can't, they are adults and free to make said decision (they haven't by the way)

@StaySaneBeBonkers

Hopping green reply :-

Completely agree but siblings & my dad are the ones who have/do contact me & drop presents. It's not presents I want lol 8-) .....

Have been getting on with my life quite happily but its others asking me to forget about it & move on (in my dads case disrespectedly still insisting on shoving his wife in my face when knowing my feelings). I can move on with them if they acknowledge the consequences of their actions but they wont see the errors of their ways. It's like a cult ..... if they knock enough they'll get you back on a fishing line while continuing with the same bad behaviour. If lessons aren't learnt & they cant assure me they have I'm not going there. I don't think this is unreasonable & the opposing posts I've been sent have not changed my mind. They are full of buzz word stereotypes where they clearly havent read facts I've stated so their views are probably based on either their own bad attitudes or ignorance. There are quite a few though that are fairly balanced & they have a different view which is fair enough. My point is simple - if I or my sons have a relationship with my dad its not dictated & controlled by an interfering wife who came along long after me & hijacked my relationship with my father. He is an equal traitor actually blackmailing me more to the point. I notice in one or two posts people have actually had the cheek to acuse me of this ignoring the real elephant in the room!

You say you can move on with people “if they see the error of their ways” They won’t/can’t so stop expecting it. Go very LC, if they send something then thank them or not but stop telling them what they must do. I think you are probably right but you are coming off a bit unhinged in your delivery.

You don’t get on with your dad, your step mum or 7 (8?) of your siblings and you’ve decided they’re all to blame?

Not putting her name on the Christmas card btw was pure spite. Your real issues are with your dad for leaving your mother when you were a kid.

Vivio:-

My siblings do have a problem with her in fact since all this happened my dad was apparently taken to hospital with chest pains & they weren't sure if he was having a heart attack & my siblings weeks later found out from a conversation with my dad & were really annoyed my stepmother hadnt even had the decency to let them know. That's like my husband having the same happen & me not having the decency to even inform his parents absolutely wrong & self absorbed with no consideration.

@StaySaneBeBonkers

Vivio:-

My siblings do have a problem with her in fact since all this happened my dad was apparently taken to hospital with chest pains & they weren't sure if he was having a heart attack & my siblings weeks later found out from a conversation with my dad & were really annoyed my stepmother hadnt even had the decency to let them know. That's like my husband having the same happen & me not having the decency to even inform his parents absolutely wrong & self absorbed with no consideration.

To let them know what exactly? That he didn’t have a heart attack!

Surely your dad could have picked up the phone to let you all know that he had to attend hospital but that all was fine. Why is it your stepmother’s responsibility?

@StaySaneBeBonkers, can you please explain the problem with your siblings attending their stepsibling’s wedding?

Mootymoo:-
Pure spite is the way you've chosen to see it. It was written as a gesture to him making clear if there is a future & we are to make up & move forward then it's just meeting him uninterrupted by her. Diesnt surprise me she didnt accept that & my dad was pressured as hes already shown hes weak & dominated by her. Otherwise why would he be corresponding quite happily about general stuff in the 6 weeks or so prior. He wouldn't have been surprised with my card as he knows the score but she would have & he will be no doubt "towing the line". As I say he met down the pib quite happily years ago & it was widely agreed (including by him himself!) That his wife was jealous & interactive in our visits because of her own issues. He's just as selfish as her now over the years & has managed to make my siblings feel sorry for him. I did in truth for about 18 years but have seen the light & she is the cause but he is just as much at fault for allowing it. He needs to take responsibility & see a consequence me finks.

@StaySaneBeBonkers

Lyralala -

Agreed. Didnt blow anything though, I was making my point rightly & setting a clear tone for the way forward. That's not blowing anything as his choice was going to show whether there was any point in wasting further time. So at least its cleared that one up & have explained to my son what grandad's reply was to both xmas cards & considering he's been kept out of all politics (as he should be) in the most innocent way he summed it up - that's not how a grandad should be or your dad mummy & that his other nanny & grandad would never do that. He actually said he wishes mummy had a daddy as good as his 8-( So sweet & made my heart melt & he's only 6! He knows it's his grandad choosing not to meet up with him at the park etc!

If you’ve had that conversation with your 6 year old then you need to get yourself some therapy because no child that age so should hearing that level of detail.

My card said "let's not let outside interferences ever effect our relationship again

And you seriously expected a reaction other than what you got? That message was deliberately inflammatory and you knew exactly what you were doing. You sound like a complete nightmare.

How did she stop him paying your mum maintenance?

Have you ever had therapy? You’re very intense and fixated. It’s unhealthy.

Have you ever heard the expression holding a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die?

So at least its cleared that one up & have explained to my son what grandad's reply was to both xmas cards & considering he's been kept out of all politics (as he should be) in the most innocent way he summed it up - that's not how a grandad should be or your dad mummy & that his other nanny & grandad would never do that. He actually said he wishes mummy had a daddy as good as his 8-( So sweet & made my heart melt & he's only 6! He knows it's his grandad choosing not to meet up with him at the park etc!

Oh, wow. I can’t believe I missed this.

This confirms exactly what I thought about the situation - you are toxic OP.

So at least its cleared that one up & have explained to my son what grandad's reply was to both xmas cards & considering he's been kept out of all politics (as he should be) in the most innocent way he summed it up - that's not how a grandad should be or your dad mummy & that his other nanny & grandad would never do that. He actually said he wishes mummy had a daddy as good as his 8-( So sweet & made my heart melt & he's only 6! He knows it's his grandad choosing not to meet up with him at the park etc!

What a terrible thing to do to a child. I'm going to have to walk away from this thread, because I'm finding you truly disturbing @StaySaneBeBonkers. You really do need to get some help.

OP,

Your father sounds like a complete waste of space and definitely no loss to your children.

His character is laid bare in the way he left your mother to rear and pay for 4 children whilst he avoided paying maintenance.

I think men like that should die screaming and I hope they do.

Be glad you have your mother who clearly worked so hard for her family and your in laws as great Grandparents.

Your children have 3 and are very lucky.
Your father in name only is no loss to anyone.

Don't allow him to take your peace.

Move forward in your own life and only support those who bring positivity to your life.

Vivio :-

My problem with my siblings attending wedding reception was actually routed from a previous event shortly before that where my sister decided to hold a christening & said from the start that she understood my situation with stepmother & would only invite both my mum & dad. My mum agreed this was the right thing to do & her husband agreed (he disapproves of my Dads wifes behaviour too). The about 2 weeks before my sister tells me that actually stepmother is going (shes obviously been bullied into it by my dad not respecting again). Luckily I gadnt bought any outfits but was dismayed behind the scenes & my mum was livid & felt so uncomfortable, yet his wifes walking round feeling quite comfortable. I didn't go & the icing on the cake was receiving a godparents certificate in the post about 3 weeks later!!! To this day I am so tempted to post it back to her. The whole affair was dar more uncomfortable & upsetting for her own family than had parents partners respectfully stayed away. It was a no brainer for my mums husband but stepmother is something else. Then the reception I made clear to my siblings in advance would be the final straw & insult & just the attending is giving the completely wrong message to behaviours. They went anyway saying were all grown up & can make our own decisions. Fair enough but I have now disowned them & they cant accept it. They need to because I'm a grown up too, have my own feelings & the same expectations we did all once have & they no longer meet them. They are undermining & a liability to the cause I have been addressing. I will continue with my stand without them & its surprising it's taken years for them to really respect my decision is actually long term with the status quo.

Thanks Billy66! Well said Ker- ching to that!

You need therapy. You are not accepting your reality, you are taking your anger at your father out at the next closest target, his wife. Your behaviour is controlling and toxic and your children are noticing it, this is not healthy for them. Your demands to live in a world where your father is a perfect dad and does not have a wife are unreasonable and will never happen, your siblings can see that and have accepted this. You will be much happier if you learn to accept reality and the flaws of people around you. That could mean accepting that you cannot forgive your Dad for the hardships he inflicted on your family when you were young and that is ok, you don't have to have any relationship with him. You will never get the validation you crave by trying to force and control people into behaving the way you dictate. All you will do is make yourself and people around you unhappy. With love, get some help, this path you're on will never result in happiness for you

Sciurus83 -

My oldest son has noticed an absence of their other grandad - my father for 5 years, funny that dont you think? They then spend time writing a xmas card & my son the other day asks where his one was from him & can she see him now. So I explained...exactly what his reply was & what he did with mummy & daddy's card - the problem with that is? Or should I just explain that he's mystic lol .....