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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being undermined by family & should my own & my childrens relationship with my Dad be conditional?

137 replies

StaySaneBeBonkers · 04/02/2021 18:21

Should my Dad be making my & my childrens relationship with him conditional to us having contact with his wife who is jealous & controlling? Big falling out with her & I refuse to allow her selfish controlling ways that have impacted & limited my relationship with my dad over many years to continue with his grandchildren.

OP posts:
Screwcorona · 04/02/2021 18:24

No it shouldn't be. Similar thing for me, dislike dads wife as is very controlling and honestly ruining his life. Dont want her around my kids as she says weird manipulative things.

If yours is like this i sympathize. Its not an easy position x

Original poster
StaySaneBeBonkers · 04/02/2021 18:40

I think it's a common problem that not enough people frown upon they just a accept. I have 2 sisters & a brother who are carrying on as normal with their relationship with my Dad & their own children even going to Stepmothers sons wedding reception! Feel completely undermined by them all who agree about her behaviours but excuse my Dads behaviour of literally giving me an ultimatum that having a relationship with him is unrealistic if I dont allow his wide in my/my childrens life too. Have made a stand & said the choice is with him but she is not ever again coming within a country mile of me or my children. She has caused all the trouble through jealousy & controlling behaviour & think this is a perfectly reasonable expectation I have & totally wrong of my dad.

OP posts:
BonnieDundee · 04/02/2021 18:43

You can make the choice not to see.her. equally he can make the choice that he will not see you without his wife

MrsWooster · 04/02/2021 18:49

His reaction to your boundary setting will show you where his loyalties and priorities lie and, by implication, that you were right to make this stand.

Original poster
StaySaneBeBonkers · 04/02/2021 18:50

If he makes a choice not to see me without his wife that is wrong. I am his daughter & his wife is nothing to do with me - someone he chose to marry. It's not for him to bring anyone into family who is not welcome. Him being with her is his choice. Equally him being a Dad was also his choice (first). That is to be respected under all circumstances especially when justified. Not just for his convenience & his own interests. What if I want his time confidentially? Him being my father does not make his wife equal to my mother whom I would also choose to confide.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 04/02/2021 18:55

You have worded your dilemma in quite a biased way such that people either just agree with you or wouldn’t be able to comment.

spanieleyes · 04/02/2021 18:58

Your statement" it's not for him to bring anyone into the family not welcome " is rather one sided. Perhaps he feels that anyone he brings into the family should be welcome.

Nanny0gg · 04/02/2021 19:02

Whoa!

Hang on a minute. You are a grown-up. If he's found someone he loves and wants to marry, then he has every right to.

You may think she's not a nice person - your right. He can't demand you like her, but does she actually make him happy?

user234987653 · 04/02/2021 19:07

You sound selfish and immature.

He deserves a life outside of being your father.
You don't get to dictate who he wants to love.

allgoodinthehood · 04/02/2021 19:11

It doesn't matter wether you like her or not . He obviously does. He has built a life with her and the rest of your family ie you siblings are joining in with that.
You are choosing to not be part of it . You are making him choose between her and you . You have lost . So you either work out wether you are prepared to be part of his life with her and your siblings or you remove yourself .
He has chosen her so now its your choice .

Aprilx · 04/02/2021 19:12

I took a while to press send before my last post and missed your update. I am definitely veering towards you being unreasonable. Generally we do not get a say in who our siblings, children or parents choose to marry and “bring into the family”, it is normal to try to welcome them.

My parents were together until death parted them, but my FIL has remarried and neither my husband nor I would be so rude as to ask to see him without her. That is his wife and we are happy that he has someone to share his twilight years with.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/02/2021 19:13

He has every right to a wife and a life with her, however much you don’t like her. Have you ever been married or in a long term relationship? How would you feel if your dad hated your husband and would only see without him?

You’re entitled to not see her but he’s entitled to stand by her and not bow to your blackmail. You’ll be the one having to explain to your children that their relationship with their grandad wasn’t one you wanted to nurture.

What exactly has she done to you and your children? If your siblings are happy to have your dad and step mum in their lives she can’t be that bad. Feeling huffy and undermined that they won’t cut her off because you don’t like her much is highly unreasonable.

You’re all adults, you’re acting like a child. Why?

titchy · 04/02/2021 19:18

Bloody hell OP. Your first post was reasonable. Your third post is spiteful childish and totally self absorbed.

You are an adult, with children you are responsible for. If you think it is in your and your children's best interests to not have contact with your father's wife that is a decision you are at liberty to make. If your father then decides that he won't see you as a result, that is also a decision he is at liberty to make.

HikeForward · 04/02/2021 19:22

It's not for him to bring anyone into family who is not welcome. Him being with her is his choice. Equally him being a Dad was also his choice (first). That is to be respected under all circumstances especially when justified

You come across as jealous and controlling here.
His wife became part of the family when they married.
Why should he respect your wishes over hers just because you were in his life first? Presumably he chose to marry her because he loved her and wanted to commit to being with her.

You obviously dislike her but to give him an ultimatum (you and his grandchildren, or his wife) is harsh and unkind. Of course he wants her to be part of his daughter’s life, not excluded like she’s the evil stepmother.

What about family gatherings, will you refuse to attend if he dares to bring the woman he loves?

If he chooses not to see you, I suggest you accept he’s a grown up who has every right to choose his wife’s feelings over his adult daughter’s. She is his priority by the sound of it, and rightly so.

Teardrop2021 · 04/02/2021 19:22

There's clearly alot more to this than op is telling us

InsideOfEmptiness · 04/02/2021 19:33

So do you believe it's your place to decide who is or isn't 'brought into' your family? Your siblings seem to be okay with your stepmother, so why do you get to decide that she's not welcome?

Of course, it's completely your choice if you decide to cut contact with your Dad.

Original poster
StaySaneBeBonkers · 04/02/2021 19:36

He contacted me saying to make up, I laid down my ground rules (quite justified) & now she saw my christmas card to him he's made things conditional again - controlling. My siblings agree behaviour is wrong on my Dads part but sit on the fence as we've all put up with thex2 of then for decades. Anyhow thanks for all views is interesting to see. I've left it with him that it's his choice but the wife isnt comingceithin a country mile. Dont think that's unreasonable, I've been unbelievably patient but its run out 8-)

OP posts:
Redburnett · 04/02/2021 19:36

You sound very sensible and no reasonable person could argue with your position.

Santaiscovidfree · 04/02/2021 19:39

My sm made my df choose. Her or us. Not sure how subtly or to the point she went about it but df dumped me and my 4 x dc. Beware of pushing on this op.
You may lose.

allgoodinthehood · 04/02/2021 19:39

As we have said " its your choice "

Moondust001 · 04/02/2021 19:46

@StaySaneBeBonkers

If he makes a choice not to see me without his wife that is wrong. I am his daughter & his wife is nothing to do with me - someone he chose to marry. It's not for him to bring anyone into family who is not welcome. Him being with her is his choice. Equally him being a Dad was also his choice (first). That is to be respected under all circumstances especially when justified. Not just for his convenience & his own interests. What if I want his time confidentially? Him being my father does not make his wife equal to my mother whom I would also choose to confide.
I was seeing your viewpoint until this. To be honest, she is family. You obviously don't like that, and you come across here as exactly what you accuse her of - manipulative and selfish. And not a little jealous.
Seedandyarn · 04/02/2021 19:46

You sound like you are having a temper tantrum.
In your view your ground rules are justified but everyone else in the family seems to disagree. I suspect your siblings are agreeing with you for the sake of a quiet life.

What has she done that is so terrible? I can only assume something serious if you need to keep your children away.

Keratinsmooth · 04/02/2021 20:01

You’ve had her in your life for decades, what’s changed? How old is your Dad?

TinyCake · 04/02/2021 20:06

It sounds like she must have done something really bad for you to feel this way.

NoSquirrels · 04/02/2021 20:16

OP, if you’ve not been in the situation it’s hard to see how frustrating it is and how it can get to a stage where no contact is better than heavily policed and controlled contact.

My DH’s dad died without resolving this and it was really heartbreaking. His DC didn’t even get 5 minutes alone with him when he was dying in a hospice. The medical team even intervened to try to mediate but she was petrified of losing control over him for even a moment. I think it was jealousy. It ruined the last years of his life - he couldn’t recover the (close) relationship he’d always had with his children because of the ridiculous insistence his second marriage made his wife something to his children that she could never be. Ultimately the blame lay with him as a father, and he was in a relationship he chose.