Am I being undermined by family & should my own & my childrens relationship with my Dad be conditional?

[StaySaneBeBonkers]

Should my Dad be making my & my childrens relationship with him conditional to us having contact with his wife who is jealous & controlling? Big falling out with her & I refuse to allow her selfish controlling ways that have impacted & limited my relationship with my dad over many years to continue with his grandchildren.

Fwiw - my Dad remarried and his wife took a dislike to me and has tried (and succeeded) to freeze me out. My Dad and I didn't have a good relationship to start with and you can imagine this hasn't helped.
I choose not to have a relationship with my Dad because of how he has treated me and my family.
I've never asked him to choose, but he has chosen his wife's feelings over mine every single time.
OP - decide what you want but consider you are not actually in a very strong position. You can choose to accept the crumbs on the table or not. You won't get what you really want.

Just about the Xmas card. Spiteful. I can see how this was not just an attack on her but him.

The whole holiday was seriously overblown too. You do come across a bit as a Madam.
Still, if he still wants a relationship with you and kids, he should separate both relationships.

Neither of you are technically wrong in terms of the family thing.

There are two nuclear families here now - you're no longer your Dad's nuclear family just as he's not ever been in yours (ie your DH and kids).

He's got every right to marry who he likes and choose them as family.

You've got every right to not allow someone you dislike/distrust to have a relationship with your children while you're responsible for their welfare.

You've made your boundaries clear. It's now up to your Dad whether he wants to continue a relationship with you and his grandchildren, or put his wife first.

You seem very keen to lay all your dad's bad behaviour at this woman's feet. You also sound like seriously hard work. But the chance of having a relationship with him that does not involve her is zero but of course that is a choice you are entitled to make. I hope it brings you peace.

Season finale reply :-

It's good to talk - not rambling. Shows your own attitude problem & choice of your own words I.e Princess! That's code for another deeper meaning of your perception of everyones sacred right. Something selfish adults themselves often say to actually justify equal like minded individuals who feel their freedom, choices & happiness overrides commitments they have made that should be kept sacred. That's the main point in my post is to discuss different peoples viewpoints whether they agree or disagree on certain aspects. My dads views are entirely up to him, I have suspected them a long time, been on the receiving end & have flushed out/confirmed them once & for all. I am too a firm believer in what goes around comes around. If I behaved the way they have I would not be surprised or arrogant enough to think I would get the same behaviour back one day. Manners cost nothing & rudeness will be met with the same in absence of owning up to your failings. Not a weakness but a strength. Thanks for all of your posts & taking the time to read mine, is very considerate & the point is to actually care how someone feels & question why & what can be done about it. This has actually given me some karma in being able to discuss anonymously with strangers in the absence of any open communication with the true people with issues they are burying - my family! 8-) I also hope this helps other readers in some way with the same underlying issues that fail to improve or resolve.

PorcupineInTheRough reply:-

The irony is you saying I sound like hard work - the whole point & problem was summed up on what should have been a lovely enjoyable & pleasant family holiday. I was surrounded by people with attitude problems being rude. You would expect adults your spending a holiday with to at least match the manners that my now 6 year old son has! Not much to ask & sounds like tgats where the real garden work is coming from to any reasonable person.

Sorry not garden work - that meant to say hard work haha.

The reason for my siblings position is not that they dont agree on the subject of my Dad, it's their attitude to the fact I have dealt with it. In there eyes we shouldnt deal with it we should put up with it & in fairness a few of them have developed the same rudeness & selfishness themselves of I'm alright Jack & I don't need Dad anymore, so choose to have a limited relationship rather than none. Fair enough but to me to stand by & observe very wrong moral behaviour to your sister & continue as though everything is normal is somewhat neglectful of a sibling duty. Is in my world of what a sibling is anyway which sounds a much more pleasant & genuine relationship of being supportive. They have enjoyed me giving them moral support on their own issues had in their own lives but are not there for anyone else as it's all a bit inconvenient. Code word = were all grown ups & falling out is my choice. Yes - but it's still narrow minded & if everyone thought that way everyone is on their own! Lovely.

VegemitelsTasty reply:'

That's the only holiday we had with my Dad & stepmother in 23 years since 12yrs! Even then only because it was his 60th. Tells you something.......

I suggest you read the facts & think about them before commenting as yours is quite a rant too making incorrect assumptions.

Reason I have fully explained is a few posts were asking & saying that to comment they needed more info on past behaviour that led up to this. Another person around trying to mute!!!!

Yoni&Guy reply -

Yes agree with you but my Dad SHOULD be part of my "nuclear family" as you put it & all I have expected is the same behaviour & relationship that other healthy happy families I am around have. None of this interfering behaviour my stepmother brings. That's the real problem & it's for my Dad to deal with. He brought the problem so he should solve it. The attitude is not for having a stepmother, it's for how she behaves in deliberately interrupting & generally interfering pathetic behaviour when I visit my dad. There is no justification, she needs dealing with. I have dealt with her as far as I can & wrongfully its cost my father wrongly. I dont need him & it's not about need it's about wanting happy pleasant sacred experiences with him & my children. His wife crossed the line on every visit when we were kids so we met my Dad down the pub every wk - siblings fully agreeing too at the time but etiquette & manners have gone drastically downhill these days & rules seem to have changed in there worlds as everybody has become singular minded. I was genuinly shocked that my stepmothers ways surfaced again on this holiday after all these years of us all getting along. It's because she had to share my dad again on a holiday she dreaded. She hould have been left at home .... in fact dispatched off to her own island where hopefully she would never return lol ;-) she is a wicked stepmother haha. My friend is just starting to have the exact same problem with her Dad & his newish g/f. After many years of being close, his character changes & this woman gives all the smiles to her but tells him what he can & cant do & he's then portraying this to his daughter as though its him but it quite blatently is her controlling him & being jealous

You clearly don’t want a relationship with your dad without your step-mum. You had that, or the start of that, when he reached out in October. You blew that option away by having an unprovoked go at his wife in the Christmas card sent to their home.

He’s not going to leave his wife.

You’re on the wrong board OP - this should be on Relationships instead. There is so much pain and anger here - could it be you are fighting but this is masking your childhood pain? Your dad sounds like an ass - why exactly do you want him in your life? What if you dropped this rope? Have you ever had counselling? I bet you would have a lot to talk about/ work through to find your peace on this

@StaySaneBeBonkers

If he makes a choice not to see me without his wife that is wrong. I am his daughter & his wife is nothing to do with me - someone he chose to marry. It's not for him to bring anyone into family who is not welcome. Him being with her is his choice. Equally him being a Dad was also his choice (first). That is to be respected under all circumstances especially when justified. Not just for his convenience & his own interests. What if I want his time confidentially? Him being my father does not make his wife equal to my mother whom I would also choose to confide.

Voted YANBU after your OP but changed it after this. He can't dictate but you can?

Lyralala -

Agreed. Didnt blow anything though, I was making my point rightly & setting a clear tone for the way forward. That's not blowing anything as his choice was going to show whether there was any point in wasting further time. So at least its cleared that one up & have explained to my son what grandad's reply was to both xmas cards & considering he's been kept out of all politics (as he should be) in the most innocent way he summed it up - that's not how a grandad should be or your dad mummy & that his other nanny & grandad would never do that. He actually said he wishes mummy had a daddy as good as his 8-( So sweet & made my heart melt & he's only 6! He knows it's his grandad choosing not to meet up with him at the park etc!

Comtesse:-

No I hadnt realised this was the wrong place for this post. Sorry peeps I'm new to this & to be honest was only on here for this very reason to get opinions. Anyway will get back to home schooling my son as whilst this is therapeutic its served its purpose now 8-) will leave others to chat though if they want to. Take care everyone & be respectful & considerate & the world will be that bit happier 8-)

If he makes a choice not to see me without his wife that is wrong. I am his daughter & his wife is nothing to do with me - someone he chose to marry. It's not for him to bring anyone into family who is not welcome

How would you feel if your father took this stance with your husband. Would you agree with him that it is not for you to bring anyone into the family (your husband) that is not welcome? Would you go along with your family shunning your husband?

I gave him the opportunity to put her in her long awaited place ;-)

Oh dear. You seem to have a massive sense of entitlement and don’t come across like a particularly nice person OP so I’m not surprised you are having such difficulties in your relationships with others.

You and your behaviour are clearly a part of the problem. You say your stepmum is jealous and controlling (which she very well may be) but your posts indicate that you are jealous and controlling.

I wouldn’t tolerate someone behaving as you are in my life at all. You seem incredibly toxic. And I think it’s only a matter of time before you push it too far (which you will) and end up being cut off completely.

If you want to keep a relationship with your father, I would suggest counselling for yourself, but I don’t think you have enough self awareness for that.

@StaySaneBeBonkers ahh sorry OP you’re all right but AIBU is a bit of a bun fight and there are some very thoughtful people on Relationships who can help unpick some of this with you. There seem to be a lot of emotions in all different directions (so much anger and frustration) and putting some AIBU petrol on it might not be mega helpful, that was all .....

I’m not a stepmother, but I feel so sorry for stepmothers. It just never ends, does it?

As we don't know the behaviour we can't judge
But your dad is also entitled to a life , what if he said same about your dp/ dh how would you take that? Obviously we don't know what she has done so makes it hard to see of behaviour warrants how you feel, but I don't see how your dad should only pick somone that has your approval as thats how you make it sound

Sorry hadn't read your update but seems like your dad is in wrong to and its too easy to blame it on his wife he is an adult also

The argument on holiday also from what you said sounds a little petty , yet you packed up and went home ? Thats quite drastic as sharing a holiday home with others isn't always easy even when everyone gets on

He’s as entitled as you are to make a choice about who he sees and under what conditions.

You are now an adult, so he is not wrong to put his wife ahead of you. She may be horrible, but she is who he has chosen. As much as you have the right to say you won’t see him if you have to see her, he has the right to say that if you won’t see her then he won’t see you. You are both doing exactly the same thing to each other, therefore you are as bad as each other. Stand by your choice and accept the consequences without making it someone else’s fault.

If your siblings are still willing to see their dad and his wife then it’s unlikely that she’s done anything too terrible.

Vivid-

If I was a stepmother I would never dream of interrupting in family relationships, I'd help to nurture & encourage them. This lady should not consider being a stepmother. I wouldn't be a suitable stepmother myself & made it quite clear when I was single that a man with children was not for me. This was as much for any childrens sake because I didnt want to compromise on the life I desired & would rather not have one than ruin someone else's. This is about selfish people making selfish choices 8-)

@donewithitalltodayandxmas

Sorry hadn't read your update but seems like your dad is in wrong to and its too easy to blame it on his wife he is an adult also

Yes, it is not uncommon to see grown women on here gunning for their stepmothers whilst providing a back story where their fathers are clearly the ones who they should have the issues with.

By the way Vivio - if my husband behaved like she has absolutely I would expect the same. He would never dream of harming any of my relationships in fact he promotes them as you would hope in a partner. He completely gets where I am coming from & over a long time has observed the behaviours I have a problem with. He is from a while different setup with family behaving reasonably & like they should be dont get me wrong no odys perfect including me but there are lines to be respected as I have respected myself with certain people. Completely respected & even though I dont see eye to eye with certain people we like eachother.