Is this normal. 2 kids who just don’t get on.

[j10111289]

Hi all, have two dc a boy and a girl aged 10&5. All they do is fight and argue. They literally cannot stand or sit close to each other at all without screaming at each other. They never play together! The rare occasion they do it doesn’t last long before they shout and argue. They cannot be in the back of the car together as they just pick at each other. We cannot go out anywhere without pushing, shouting and shoving each other. Who’s going first, who’s doing what! It’s driving me mad.

Aibu to think this is not normal? I know brothers and sisters fight but my two never get on. There’s never any nice bits in the day. They usually do their own thing Home schooling is hard as I cannot sit down with both of them as they end up arguing. I do some with DS whilst Dd plays and vice versa.

Both myself and dp didn’t have any siblings until we were teens so never experienced this first hand.

DS (oldest) is always saying nasty things to Dd. She can stand up for herself but she’s often told the school that her brother is horribke to her. I think it really upsets her.

Will they outgrow this?

I’m trying my best. Treat them both the same but try and have 1:1 time with both occasionally if the opportunity arises. When they are on their own they are really good but both together 😭

Advice?

I have a girl and a boy with the same age gap. It’s tricky for them as they have little in common.

They get in if we’re away or out somewhere but won’t play together in the house very often. They often try to engage me in two entirely separate conversations at the same time and I have to prompt them to talk to each other!

Me and my brother hated each other, we still don't get on particularly as adults. I know other siblings that fight really badly too. What do you do about DS when he says nasty things to DD? That might be what you really need to crack down on if he is generally the instigator. Don't wait until DD has tried to defend herself, watch carefully and nip it in the bud straight away. It's really sad that she goes to school and feels like she needs to tell them, that would really worry me as to how much this is affecting her. x

Why are your treating them both the same??

You need to treat them "fairly" which isn't the same thing!

Try reading "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" plus their other book "siblings without rivalry" there is loads and loads of practical simple things in there to change things.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

I have a girl and a boy with the same age gap. It’s tricky for them as they have little in common.

They get in if we’re away or out somewhere but won’t play together in the house very often. They often try to engage me in two entirely separate conversations at the same time and I have to prompt them to talk to each other!

Yes! They are always talking over each other too and screaming at each other to keep quiet so they can talk! 😭 my two have little in common too.

@RandomMess

Why are your treating them both the same??

You need to treat them "fairly" which isn't the same thing!

Try reading "how to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" plus their other book "siblings without rivalry" there is loads and loads of practical simple things in there to change things.

Of course yeah. By treating the same I mean I don’t favour one over the other or anything in general terms. If one is playing up they will get a telling off or course! DS is a lot harder work than Dd. They are very well behaved when it’s just one of them which is rare but sometimes it happens.

RandomMess if you mean me (I think you mean the OP but not sure) I don’t treat mine the same. I treat mine differently but fairly due to the age gap.

I mean they get on if we’re away or out somewhere, not they get in!

It does sound quite extreme. My dd 11 and my ds 7 do squabble and I think they do it to wind me up and secretly they both enjoy it. However your situation sounds quite tough to deal with. Do you think ds was jealous once dd came along? He was only 5 when she born so maybe it was a shock to him. I'd say 5 is very young for a 10 year old to be shouting/being mean to her, she's not going to be able to stand up for herself at that age and is probably taking cues from him... I'm sorry but I think at 10 your ds should know better and so sorting the issue needs to start with him. I would be trying to speak to him and praising him when he's nice and encouraging him with a lot of positive attention when he's being nice to dd. I would also speak to him and tell him it's no longer acceptable and there will be consequences and stick with them. Take devices away if needs be or whatever means the most to him.

@Tal45

Me and my brother hated each other, we still don't get on particularly as adults. I know other siblings that fight really badly too. What do you do about DS when he says nasty things to DD? That might be what you really need to crack down on if he is generally the instigator. Don't wait until DD has tried to defend herself, watch carefully and nip it in the bud straight away. It's really sad that she goes to school and feels like she needs to tell them, that would really worry me as to how much this is affecting her. x

Absolutely! He gets a telling off and told to say sorry. She can give as good as giving back to be fair. She is very firey!

Maybe stop your DS saying nasty things to your DD for starters.

My DSis is 18 months older than me. DM never told her off for being mean to me. We tolerate each other now.

Sorry, x-post but why is he still doing it?

Thanks all. I didn’t include in my op that Ds has additional needs which is not an excuse for the behaviour at all but doesn’t help when it comes to managing the behaviour! 😩

@MinnieMountain

Maybe stop your DS saying nasty things to your DD for starters.

My DSis is 18 months older than me. DM never told her off for being mean to me. We tolerate each other now.

He definitely gets a telling off, he says sorry then does it again. He’s very difficult at minute.

I’m trying my best honestly! Finding it hard but I don’t know what’s normal with siblings when I never experienced it. By the tjme my siblings were old enough to talk I was leaving school!

They tend to just stay out of each other’s way at the minute! They never sit together or anything. If they do they just end up arguing over something 😭

I think sometimes there’s just nothing you can do. My younger sister and I have a similar age gap and have never really got on, as adults she irritates me still. Me and my older sister get on brilliantly, but I’ve never known if it’s an age gap thing (18 months between us) or a personality thing.

Stop your DS from being cruel to his sister. Regardless of his special needs, he can’t do that. Sit him down and tell him that bullying his sister will no longer be tolerated. Other than that, there’s not a lot you can do I’m afraid.

My mum is still upset that I’m not that fond of my younger sister, and will try and arrange meet ups etc. which are just plain awakard- I also feel like she does my sister a disservice by fostering false hope. We get on fine, but she’ll never be my best friend, and nothing will change that. If it’s the same for your two, then you just have stop the older picking on the younger and leave them to sort their relationship themselves.

Are you sure you know who the instigator really is. I know 2 brothers who fight all the time and the older one really hates the younger one. Their Mum is a good friend who lives near me and her boys were at the same school as mine so we often used to walk together. The boys would often be a little ahead as we were chatting and I often used to see the younger one glance at his Mum, see she wasn't looking and then lash out at his older brother in some way. The older one would react without thinking and hit back which his Mum would see and then the older one would get the telling off. I did used to try to tactfully point out that the younger one (very much the baby of the family) was to blame but Her reaction was well if I didn't see it then what can I do about it 😳. The boys still have a bad relationship now at high school as the older one is very much jealous of the younger one and can't seem to be near him without lashing out.

My brother and I are very close in age and have never got on. We fought continually as children and now have little to do with each other as adults. You can't force a friendship but it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Unfortunately me and him are just not compatible people, but I was lumbered with him and tried to tolerate him the best I could until I left home.

I would sit down with both of them. Acknowledge that they find each other annoying and hard to live with. Explain how it is affecting you/the household and then all agree some rules to make it better. Stick them up. Refer to them consistently and if they stick to them for a week- reward.
Rules eg

1. do not call x rude names. Have fun all agreeing what rude names are and be clear if there is any dispute you are the final decision maker.
2. do not interrupt if other is speaking, unless it is an emergency. All list what counts as an emergency.

No wishy washy rules about being nice to each other or getting on. If they don't get on they don't but they have to live together.

Be clear if they do not stick to the rules you will ignore them. If child a breaks rule I would remind them first, then leave the room with child b and shut the door, paying a lot of complimentary attention to child b.

I think that it needs to be accepted sometimes siblings don’t like each other.

That said, I grew up with my younger sister always being allowed to behave badly, ruin my stuff etc and it made me utterly miserable.

You need to get to the root of the problem.

If they just sit next to each other what happens? How do the arguments start? What is the dynamic.

You need to see them clearly and not through romantic parental eyes - it seems unlikely that an argument comes from nowhere - what’s the catalyst?

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing no I meant the op.

Please read those books they are so good for every child.

The more you let your child express how they feel to you about their lives including horrible things such as wanting to kill their sibling actually the healthier it is.

They explain the psychology but yet are practical example based.

It won't cure things but you will see an improvement.

@Mumski45

Are you sure you know who the instigator really is. I know 2 brothers who fight all the time and the older one really hates the younger one. Their Mum is a good friend who lives near me and her boys were at the same school as mine so we often used to walk together. The boys would often be a little ahead as we were chatting and I often used to see the younger one glance at his Mum, see she wasn't looking and then lash out at his older brother in some way. The older one would react without thinking and hit back which his Mum would see and then the older one would get the telling off. I did used to try to tactfully point out that the younger one (very much the baby of the family) was to blame but Her reaction was well if I didn't see it then what can I do about it 😳. The boys still have a bad relationship now at high school as the older one is very much jealous of the younger one and can't seem to be near him without lashing out.

I pretty much lived this. It was utterly awful and I’ve never really forgiven my mum for it.

Thanks all. It doesn’t help that despite being 10 DS has the understanding of a child around 7-8 so he is immature for his age. I’ve always thought I have set good boundaries and have never let them get away with everything - my other mothers never set boundaries for me and I didn’t want to be the same (I didn’t turn out too bad though but I could be a nightmare as a teen 🤣). I’m not strict but not too chilled either. They get a telling off when needed.

They just don’t seem to get on. DS is the main culprit I believe but Dd really knows how to wind him up and get a reaction so she’s not completely innocent in it all!

Lockdown hasn’t helped I guess. Being stuck in under each other’s feet!

Very similar gal with me and my DSis. Took us many, many years together on.

Like PPs have said, they will be interested in, and want to do, completely different things. It must be hard in both of them being stuck at home together.

My two fought over everything for a very wearing two of three years (when they were early teens) but now, 16 year old ds and 18 year old dd get on pretty darn well and were discussing how they might share a flat together as adults!

Just because people share DNA, doesn't mean they're going to get along with each other.

It's why I cringe a bit when people say they want a second child to keep the first company! DH is one of five and none of them are close. My parents are similar - both come from families of 6. My dad is in touch with two siblings and my mum with one!