Is this normal. 2 kids who just don’t get on.

[j10111289]

Hi all, have two dc a boy and a girl aged 10&5. All they do is fight and argue. They literally cannot stand or sit close to each other at all without screaming at each other. They never play together! The rare occasion they do it doesn’t last long before they shout and argue. They cannot be in the back of the car together as they just pick at each other. We cannot go out anywhere without pushing, shouting and shoving each other. Who’s going first, who’s doing what! It’s driving me mad.

Aibu to think this is not normal? I know brothers and sisters fight but my two never get on. There’s never any nice bits in the day. They usually do their own thing Home schooling is hard as I cannot sit down with both of them as they end up arguing. I do some with DS whilst Dd plays and vice versa.

Both myself and dp didn’t have any siblings until we were teens so never experienced this first hand.

DS (oldest) is always saying nasty things to Dd. She can stand up for herself but she’s often told the school that her brother is horribke to her. I think it really upsets her.

Will they outgrow this?

I’m trying my best. Treat them both the same but try and have 1:1 time with both occasionally if the opportunity arises. When they are on their own they are really good but both together 😭

Advice?

My DDs are 18 & 14. They’ve never really got on. Still bicker all the time. Nothing in common.

Just because someone shares parents it doesnt mean they need to get on or even like each other. They are not clones of each other. Flip the situation round . Encourage their individualism but absolutely stamp down on nastiness. They are differing ages, why would they want to play together.
Dont expect them to do stuff together. Encourage different activities so they can develop their own interests.
Homeschooling is difficult. Thank god I never had to contend with that but doing them individually in turn is probably best, as much because you can focus on them and their differing needs.

Me and my brother couldn’t stand each other growing up. Only solution was to keep out of each other’s way.

He’s older by 2 years, so much smaller age gap. We used to push/shove each other but obviously as he got older he got much bigger and stronger than me. As PP has said, I felt completely overpowered and helpless so only option was to scream and shout more and deliberately annoy him because I couldn’t win physically.

My parents told him he was not to touch me at all. (We would never have hugged or anything, any touching would be shoving etc, but this blanket ban seemed to be clear and effective).

They probably won’t get on, but he’s getting to an age now where he needs to stop being physical (even if she pushes him).

p.s. it did work in a way because there was less confrontation, we just avoided each other.

This was me and my brother growing up OP. I don’t know why it happened, I think mainly because we had little in common and were completely different personality types.

My mum getting involved in our arguments just annoyed me more tbh! Not sure what the answer is!

One glimmer of hope for you is that we magically started to get on once I left home for uni (I’m the oldest) and get on very well now as adults. I think we just can’t cope living together as we’re too different but now we only see each other 6 times a year we’ve grown to appreciate each other’s differences!

I hate it when people normalise this kind of behaviour amongst siblings. It’s absolutely not ok. I hate the way my stepchildren behave with each other, they cannot even be in the same room without physically fighting. It’s just depressing. I just stay out of the way mostly because their parents don’t seem that bothered. They have to be separated in the car. They cannot walk past each other in the hallway without throwing a punch. Awful.

It's really tricky if your ds is actually a but emotionally younger than his age. I know a lot of people have mentioned zero tolerance / consequences but you need to think about whether that will work for him. You might need to try other strategies. If his impulse control / emotional regulation is poor maybe the school might have strategies that could help.

I think this is totally normal!

I had three brothers growing up, age gaps varied between 13 months and 6 years. We fought like cat and dog everyday! Siblings are annoying....they touch your stuff, steal the remote when you want to watch tv and you're fighting for your parents attention.

We are all now in our 20s and incredibly close, we talk everyday without fail and in pre lockdown times, would hang out like a group of friends. Chances are, they will grow out of it.

Normal.

My kids have never got on, I never got on with my sister either.

I have a 5 year age gap with my brother and we are close. I have a 2.5year gap with a sister and we disliked each other as children and still do as adults.

I have a 4 year old dd and 3 year old ds, they argue at least once a day, sometimes more but do play nicely and miss each other when they are not together.

I would be working on your 10 year olds behaviour towards his sister and then with your 5 year old separately too. Having firm boundaries and consequences will help. It is rough though!

My children didn’t get on at all - teenagers. They are close in age and are like chalk and cheese. They don’t argue but they just don’t have any interest in spending time together, and find the other annoying.

I last spoke to my sister 5 years ago- not unusual.

Following for ideas

It's perfectly normal for siblings to hate each other. I loathe my brother, I've not seen the fucker in nearly ten years (joy!), and sincerely hope I don't see the cunt again until his funeral. Which I wouldn't miss for the world!

I don't think there's any ever kind of guarantee that your kids will like eachother if you have more than 1, so I don't think this is particularly abnormal.

But I do think that the sanctions you've got in place for disrespectful behaviour toward each other might need reviewing because it's not having the effect you're looking for.

I’m not strict but not too chilled either. They get a telling off when needed

Sounds like you need to get strict of you literally can’t go anywhere without them fighting.

I hate my siblings we all hate each other
We used to attack each other physically, verbally you name it. X is breathing too loudly. Xs leg is touching mine. Happy times

No both of them push and shove each other, they push and shove each other all the time. That is not one sided. Often they fight who’s going to be first out the door etc. They’ve never really hurt each other other, never hit each other or anything. It’s more the verbal side that I’m worried about.

If you're going to instigate other changes, I'd most certainly include stopping all the 'play' jostling etc as this is another manifestation of the same problem between them. I'd have a no touching each other at all between them, until the cycle of abuse and bickering is well and truly broken.

I definitely don't think it is okay for a ten year old to be hitting and shoving a small five year old, I would not stand for it, SEN or no SEN. It is not on. You need to protect the smaller child whom is very young to be on the receiving end of such treatment.

Separate them, keep a physical space between them. Tell them to enforce the space themselves and show them how to do it. If one of them has to walk through a door first they are not allowed to sneer at the other.
Set some new rules - no pushing, no play fighting and no name calling.

Look into different parenting strategies for him because telling off isn't working, and he's learning he can bully younger, weaker children if he is prepared to say sorry.

Mine are 10 and 7, older boy, younger girl.

They sound quite similar to yours at times. They gave occasions where they get on and play together but these generally last 5-10 minutes before they're arguing.

It. Drives. Me. Insane. Honestly, the sound of them arguing literally pushes my buttons like nothing else.

It's worse over lockdown as they're tiger her all the time with no school and our house is tiny.

No advice but you're not alone

*TOGETHER all the time

My brother is six years younger than me and we never got on. I absolutely hated him, literally from the moment I met him . I just wanted to be an only child, I didn’t want him around at all and I felt unreasonably jealous and angry at him when he was a baby. Then he became a toddler and he was bloody awful! Even my mum says how much of a terror he was. He seemed to constantly be having some sort of accident as soon as he started walking at 10 months.

As he grew we just fought constantly, usually physically. He poured nail polish in my hair once, smashed my bedroom up a fair few times so I had to have a lock put on my door, hit me over the head with a pool cue, ripped my beloved books, kicked me in the privates, threw a metal toy car at my head... He was horrible.

I moved out when I was 16 so he was only 10 and I barely know him now. I had my children close together so they hopefully wouldn’t have this issue and yeah, they do argue sometimes but they don’t get physical.

@Mumski45

Are you sure you know who the instigator really is. I know 2 brothers who fight all the time and the older one really hates the younger one. Their Mum is a good friend who lives near me and her boys were at the same school as mine so we often used to walk together. The boys would often be a little ahead as we were chatting and I often used to see the younger one glance at his Mum, see she wasn't looking and then lash out at his older brother in some way. The older one would react without thinking and hit back which his Mum would see and then the older one would get the telling off. I did used to try to tactfully point out that the younger one (very much the baby of the family) was to blame but Her reaction was well if I didn't see it then what can I do about it 😳. The boys still have a bad relationship now at high school as the older one is very much jealous of the younger one and can't seem to be near him without lashing out.

Ha - this is a bit like my two. My daughter has a temper and a tendency to lash out, and has hit her younger brother on more than one occasion (for which she is always severely reprimanded). But then, one day, I happened to be watching them without them realising it. She was quietly drawing, and he kept kicking her. She ignored it, and he stood on her pencil (she was lying on the floor). She stood up to try and pull the pencil away, and he jumped onto the paper she had been drawing on. At which point, she lost her temper and hit him. He instantly called for me in utter outrage, but, whilst I told my daughter she shouldn't have hit him, I also couldn't really blame her. To be honest, I was impressed at long she held out! Not an isolated incident, either.

Does your son have a space he can go to and be alone? Younger siblings can be a bit full on!

Honestly, 10 vs 5 is too much of an age difference to expect them to play together. Especially when not the same gender either. Plus a 10 year old is getting to the age of not wanting to "play" in the traditional way a 5 year old would.