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Original poster

Colleague admitted to affair

110 replies

Castouttoseea · 02/02/2021 15:05

I've name changed for this thread as it could be outing.

I work with a guy who is married with three children, youngest is 2. He's just confessed to me that he's been having an affair for a year and a half with a woman who lives about a four hour drive away. He has a hobby that (outside of Covid) allows him to travel some weekends to see her. He confessed to me outside of our professional boundaries (I don't need to know for work purposes).

I don't really know him but through social events I'm friends with both him and his wife on social media. I am not making any excuses for him. I'm a little bit upset for his whole situation, but mostly for his wife (she has no idea). It's of course none of my business but would you want to know? I would most definitely.

There's no doubt here, he's confessed totally. I must have one of those 'talk to me faces' as he asked if he could talk to me and blurted it out. He said he has no one to talk to about it. He's very much in love with OW (well for now).

I'm not going to do anything about it, but just wondered would you want to know?

OP posts:
Yugi · 02/02/2021 15:08

He hasn't confessed though has he? Confessing would mean owning up and taking responsibility. He is still skulking around and trying to have the best of both worlds and thinks you are on his side.

I would tell him that I don't want anything more to do with him.

MaMaD1990 · 02/02/2021 15:08

I'd want to know as the wife but in your position I wouldn't want to say anything but feel bad about not. Bizarre place to be!

Notadramallama · 02/02/2021 15:09

My ex husband cheated on me, if someone had told me what was going on I would have been incredibly grateful.

You'll get lots of women who haven't been in this situation telling you to keep your nose out, it's non of your business, but as someone who's been there - tell her!

BaggoMcoys · 02/02/2021 15:09

If I was the wife I would want to know I think. Well, I wouldn't want to know because it would be horrible, but rationally I would want to know because it's got implications for ruining your life as you know it.

Though I imagine I'd be angry at the messenger if it were a random female work colleague, and probably suspect there was something going on with you two, or think you were a trouble maker who was interested in him and trying to cause problems. (I know you're not planning to say anything).

Notadramallama · 02/02/2021 15:09

and tell him he's a dick!

BaggoMcoys · 02/02/2021 15:11

@Notadramallama

My ex husband cheated on me, if someone had told me what was going on I would have been incredibly grateful.

You'll get lots of women who haven't been in this situation telling you to keep your nose out, it's non of your business, but as someone who's been there - tell her!

Do you think you'd have believed if someone like the op had told you? Not a friend or family member, but a work colleague? I'm not sure I would but I suppose it would depend on whether I had suspicions of my own to start with or not. It's a tricky situation to be in for op as if she said something it could really backfire on her, as well as horrible for the poor wife.
grapewine · 02/02/2021 15:12

He's a dick for involving you - I'd stay clear d him and not get mixed up in this any further tbh.

Original poster
Castouttoseea · 02/02/2021 15:13

Oh good God I'm not interested in him in the slightest. It's really not about me at all. I'm about 20 years older than him. Hence the reason he probably felt he could talk to me.

Confessing might be the wrong word to use. He's told me he's having an affair. I'm not a priest to confess too, nor his wife.

I would want to know, but not at the same time. It would destroy her life as she thinks it currently stands. Poor woman.

OP posts:
Moonmelodies · 02/02/2021 15:14

Very indiscreet of him. Probably not the best way to conduct an affair.

BaggoMcoys · 02/02/2021 15:15

Oh good God I'm not interested in him in the slightest

Oh sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you were! I am just trying to imagine how I would feel/react if I were his wife and you'd told me (assuming that I trusted him).

LonginesPrime · 02/02/2021 15:15

he asked if he could talk to me and blurted it out. He said he has no one to talk to about it.

That's a really shitty, selfish thing for him to burden you with just to lighten his own mental load. Really shitty.

Not that I'd expect anything less given his behaviour. But I'd still be bloody angry at him for placing you in a terrible position to ease his own conscience.

Just shitty.

peboh · 02/02/2021 15:15

It's such a shitty position he's put you in. However I don't know that I'd believe a random colleague of my husband.

AlternativePerspective · 02/02/2021 15:16

I would stay out of it. I would tell him he’s a twat, but it’s not your place to start telling the wife etc, especially as you’re not a close friend or family member.

People on here will tell you to give him ultimatums and so on, but it really is none of your business what goes on in their marriage.

Added to which, you have to continue working with this man. Do you really want to come into the middle of his marriage?

Original poster
Castouttoseea · 02/02/2021 15:17

I'm a very discreet person. That's why I've taken to an anonymous forum to discuss this.

I'm pretty sure he knows I'm discreet.

OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 02/02/2021 15:17

Just had another thought. Do you think he told you in the hopes you'd tell his wife so he didn't have to?

MaMaD1990 · 02/02/2021 15:17

Or maybe not I'd he knows your discreet! Crossed posts!

Oldbutstillgotit · 02/02/2021 15:18

I have made this comment on similar threads ; I found out that my then best friend’s DH was having an affair. She had always said that she would want to know so, after much thought, I told her .
She hasn’t spoken to me since . She is still with him . A mutual friend says that it was easier to cut off one friend rather than upset her family .
Be careful .

Original poster
Castouttoseea · 02/02/2021 15:19

No desire to break up his marriage or destroy anyone's life. I won't be doing anything about it, I just wanted to see what you thought?

Now I know a lot of other things make sense. It's odd how things go on under your nose and if you're not looking you ignore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Castouttoseea · 02/02/2021 15:21

@Oldbutstillgotit - that is a real shame. I'm sorry you've lost your best friend. These men are real gits aren't they?

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 02/02/2021 15:23

I'm not being howdy, but genuinely curious, if you're not planning to tell his wife, what are you hoping to achieve from this thread?

NurseButtercup · 02/02/2021 15:24

Goady not howdy

Original poster
Castouttoseea · 02/02/2021 15:26

@NurseButtercup I'm not really trying to achieve anything. I just thought I'd open up the debate on whether you'd want to know or not?

Isn't that what Internet forums like this are for? A bit of debate/opinion? Does everyone told to LTB actually do it because someone on a forum told them to?

Sorry if I sound rude, I don't mean to be, just putting across my view, it's hard without smiling/body language to get across that you're not being rude.

OP posts:
hushlittlebabydontsayaword · 02/02/2021 15:26

I would give his baggage back to him. 'That's a really shitty thing to do, your poor wife. Maybe you should get some counselling and figure out how to deal with this mess'.

cherrypop86 · 02/02/2021 15:27

I wouldn't do anything. Maybe if they were both very close friends, but he's a work colleague. Keep your personal and professional life separate, it's not worth the risk to your job. He should not have put it on you in the first place but the best thing you could do is keep out of it.

Original poster
Castouttoseea · 02/02/2021 15:28

@hushlittlebabydontsayaword
No I won't be doing that. It's none of my business. He just wanted to talk to me.

OP posts: