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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague admitted to affair

110 replies

Castouttoseea · 02/02/2021 15:05

I've name changed for this thread as it could be outing.

I work with a guy who is married with three children, youngest is 2. He's just confessed to me that he's been having an affair for a year and a half with a woman who lives about a four hour drive away. He has a hobby that (outside of Covid) allows him to travel some weekends to see her. He confessed to me outside of our professional boundaries (I don't need to know for work purposes).

I don't really know him but through social events I'm friends with both him and his wife on social media. I am not making any excuses for him. I'm a little bit upset for his whole situation, but mostly for his wife (she has no idea). It's of course none of my business but would you want to know? I would most definitely.

There's no doubt here, he's confessed totally. I must have one of those 'talk to me faces' as he asked if he could talk to me and blurted it out. He said he has no one to talk to about it. He's very much in love with OW (well for now).

I'm not going to do anything about it, but just wondered would you want to know?

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/02/2021 16:05

In fact, the thought of him doing that has made me extremely angry.

He has chosen to use you as his emotional support human.

He did this without your consent.

He did this knowing he would put you in a dificult position.

He is a wanker of extreme proportions! Bastard!

Original poster

Castouttoseea · 02/02/2021 16:06

His wife may well be aware and is biding her time. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors?

I'm not excusing him. If he's not happy he should do the right thing and tell his wife and leave, but it's not my place to tell her. His wife is not a friend, just someone I've met a couple of times socially and who is a connection on social media. I wouldn't be able to support her and at the moment neither probably would her family.

OP posts:

Norwayreally · 02/02/2021 16:07

Don’t do anything, I wouldn’t. I have been the messenger before and it never ends well, the woman in my case did not appreciate the truth and also didn’t leave her partner despite me producing endless evidence. There’s no point really, I’m sure he’ll fess up to her eventually or he’ll get caught out. Slimy bastard.

unmarkedbythat · 02/02/2021 16:10

I would want to know.

OhWhyNot · 02/02/2021 16:10

Castouttoseea it isn’t your place to fix his problem it’s his

Don’t feel guilty that is for him to feel

And few would really tell in this position and I suspect those that would love getting overly involved in other people’s lives we all know this type. Most wouldn’t as we are to busy dealing with our own lives

GabsAlot · 02/02/2021 16:12

awkward

id just say id rather not know about ti sorry you'll have to deal with yourself

without proof i doubt the wife would believe you anyway

DailyCandy · 02/02/2021 16:14

I once worked with a guy who told me about an affair. I remember being particularly annoyed with him because at the time, his stay at home wife was dealing with a toddler with the chicken pox and all he could do was wistfully look off into the distance and say 'she's only twenty fucking six...' of the girlfriend. Bleurgh. Very seedy.
Never occurred to me to blow the whistle. It was just a sorry situation.

CharlieBoo · 02/02/2021 16:14

Agree it’s not worth the risk to your job to tell the wife. Very sad for his wife and children. Men like this are the lowest of the low. No moral compass, boundaries or respect.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 02/02/2021 16:15

Think moving forward, if he tries to bring it up again, cut him off and say something like, 'Oh, I thought there wasn't anything left to discuss...' but make it clear you don't want to be a shoulder to unburden himself on.

CleverCatty · 02/02/2021 16:15

He's an arse for telling you, because you know him and his wife on social media.

Does he think telling you will somehow absolve him of the guilt? Or is he in another weird, warped way, get a kick out of confessing to you, knowing that you either would or would not tell his wife?

I'd stay well out of it though, he's bound to be found out in the end.

IM0GEN · 02/02/2021 16:16

@Dozycuntlaters

I would just tell him you don't want to hear about it.......you're in a sticky position now because he's told you, and he will think he can confide in you on every little thing to do with it now. He's opened this floodgates now, make sure you don't get bulldozed into being his confidante.

This.

I’d tell him that he’s been honest with me so I’d be honest with him. I’d say I don't approve and that IMO he need to choose between them.

I wouldn’t want to be the support person for a cheater. By off loading his guilt to you it allows him to go on deceiving his wife and children.

Guilt is his consciences way of telling him he’s wrong and he needs to stop it. Sometimes guilt is a good thing - he needs more of it not less.

SpilltheTea · 02/02/2021 16:17

I would absolutely want to know, so I could chuck him and move on with my life, instead of wasting more time with a cheating twat. I'm surprised lots of women wouldn't want to know. It was shit of him to use you to offload some of his guilt.

Ivyr0se · 02/02/2021 16:18

I'd be very very very wary of him. Why would he tell you? Is he hoping you will tell his wife? Will he make you complicit by saying I'm working late with x? Will he try to put the moves on you?

Seriously what a creep. I'd cut ties with him as much as possible.

Viviennemary · 02/02/2021 16:18

I think it's easier not to know. It's hard if a colleague plays the happy family and you know they're cheating. Don't do anything.
,

CleverCatty · 02/02/2021 16:21

Oh and I'm sure like a few other poster on this thread - occasionally male colleagues have made comments about either having an affair or wanting to have one in the past, can't think of exact details.

In fact there was one really pervy man who hadn't cheated but wanted to do so and even made comments about certain younger members of staff that he wanted to play about with, we steered well clear of him. Him and his wife didn't have children but even so... It certainly wasn't praised in the office etc.

Lochabernomore · 02/02/2021 16:28

Would it be acceptable if he didn't have children @CleverCatty ?

PurrBox · 02/02/2021 16:29

My husband had an ongoing affair that many acquaintances of mine must have known about. No one said anything to me and I had no idea. I would have been profoundly grateful to anyone who would have faced the discomfort of letting me know what had been going on.

The added humiliation of not knowing what was happening in my own life, while lots of other people did, was significant. I might have thought nothing could add to the pain of what my husband had done, but actually the smirking complicity (of perhaps the disapproving judgements) of other people does add an extra dimension, as does the extra time that the affair continued when it could have been interrupted earlier.

wintermoths · 02/02/2021 16:30

What a stupid git to tell you!

Idiot man! I'm not surprised you described him as arrogant.

Tell him not to tell you anymore. You don't want to know.
If you want to scare him, tell him it puts you in a very awkward position.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 02/02/2021 16:31

What an extremely ODD thing for him to do. You and he are not friends. This is a colleague. If he was this indiscreet with you then he's foolish.
Be careful that you don't find yourself on the wrong side of HR.

It absolutely isn't your business but you know that really. Did you just want to talk about it/get validation to meddle? Nobody here can tell you what the 'right' thing to do is because nobody here - including you - knows the circumstances. I would certainly not want to hear from you and would find it intrusive gossip.

Jsnn · 02/02/2021 16:32

I know you've already said you will leave it alone and not mention it to the wife but yeah I think its critical not to get involved. It's not something to get in the middle of with it being a coworker. What are you going to do if it gets really nasty and tense? Who knows what this could blow up into, could end up violent or just really uncomfortable. If it gets out at work that you outed him, your reputation could potentially be impacted. I'm not saying I agree with it but it's a possibility. It's just not worth getting involved. It's not worth the drama. I do also agree you should shut down any future conversation about it and also make sure you don't let him drag you into it in any way. Maybe he told you because he wants to be able to use you to cover for him. Absolutely do not do that under any circumstances.

CleverCatty · 02/02/2021 16:32

@Lochabernomore

Would it be acceptable if he didn't have children *@CleverCatty* ?

Don't be stupid. Of course it's not acceptable if he didn't have children.

Alicetheowl · 02/02/2021 16:33

Definitely keep out of it.
Possibility 1. It fizzles out. Say nothing, if it's a one off, which it probably might be as he's emotional enough to confide in you, rather than a cynical serial womaniser, who wouldn't, least harm done.
Possibility 2. His wife suspects but thinks it will fizzle out/is trying to ignore it . It might force her hand and make her feel humiliated.
Possibility 3. He's found his forever love, they get together, you don't know how happy his marriage was, it will be very awkward if they know you told his wife.

Lochabernomore · 02/02/2021 16:33

@CleverCatty so why your comment, he didn't have children though. Please don't call me stupid.

SunsetSenora · 02/02/2021 16:37

Horrible situation for you, I would stay well out of it if I were you. You only have what he has told you to go on and he is highly likely to spin it to say you are lying for some reason.

TheSparkleJar · 02/02/2021 16:39

Don't tell his wife, it will probably backfire on you in some way. These things have a tendency to. It's easy for strangers with no skin in the game to tell you what you should do, they won't be dealing with any repercussions.

And there's no guarantee she would thank you either. The cheater's go-to in these cases is to explain that he's been bravely dealing with an obsessed stalker at work and now she's started harassing his family...

If you're uncomfortable with this talk, tell him you're not going to be his confidant.

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