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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague admitted to affair

110 replies

Castouttoseea · 02/02/2021 15:05

I've name changed for this thread as it could be outing.

I work with a guy who is married with three children, youngest is 2. He's just confessed to me that he's been having an affair for a year and a half with a woman who lives about a four hour drive away. He has a hobby that (outside of Covid) allows him to travel some weekends to see her. He confessed to me outside of our professional boundaries (I don't need to know for work purposes).

I don't really know him but through social events I'm friends with both him and his wife on social media. I am not making any excuses for him. I'm a little bit upset for his whole situation, but mostly for his wife (she has no idea). It's of course none of my business but would you want to know? I would most definitely.

There's no doubt here, he's confessed totally. I must have one of those 'talk to me faces' as he asked if he could talk to me and blurted it out. He said he has no one to talk to about it. He's very much in love with OW (well for now).

I'm not going to do anything about it, but just wondered would you want to know?

OP posts:
Notapheasantplucker · 02/02/2021 15:29

If it was me, I'd definitely want to know.

peak2021 · 02/02/2021 15:31

I would tell him my opinion that he should end his affair.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 02/02/2021 15:33

I would keep my nose out

Original poster
Castouttoseea · 02/02/2021 15:34

I didn't poke my nose in. He came to me, blurted it out. I have no intention of telling his wife.

OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 02/02/2021 15:35

I would just tell him you don't want to hear about it.......you're in a sticky position now because he's told you, and he will think he can confide in you on every little thing to do with it now. He's opened this floodgates now, make sure you don't get bulldozed into being his confidante.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2021 15:36

He's decided to make you a bit actor in the film of his life. Telling you isn't about guilt, it's about being able to talk about his sleazy little affair, amping up the drama and giving him a little thrill. Introducing a little more risk so he can can a good old mental wank about someone knowing at work.

He's scum.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 02/02/2021 15:37

A bit of debate and opinion is fine. Of course it is.

Just seems a bit odd to mention it if you don’t intend to do anything with the answers you get 🤷‍♀️

And there isn’t really anything outing in your post. There will be more than one prince doing this sadly.

Original poster
Castouttoseea · 02/02/2021 15:38

@Dozycuntlaters good advice! I don't want to know the details. I think I'll feel very uncomfortable after Covid if he starts to tell me he's going away for one of his hobby weekends.

I wish he hadn't told me. I just feel sorry for them all. I've no idea why he hasn't left his wife for OW. I'm not saying that is the right thing to do, but hearing him speak he has no respect for his wife and is totally in love with OW (who is single although she has kids).

OP posts:
PicaK · 02/02/2021 15:39

I wouldn't tell her in covid. With small kids.
Tell him to sort it out.
You could tell him to read stuff about affairs on the Web eg Linda and Doug.
Give him a deadline to man up and treat his wife with respect

LunaHeather · 02/02/2021 15:39

@Castouttoseea

I didn't poke my nose in. He came to me, blurted it out. I have no intention of telling his wife.
If anyone does that to you again, say "that's nice" and close the conversation.

I practiced resting bitch face A LOT or everyone thinks they can tell you stuff.

Original poster
Castouttoseea · 02/02/2021 15:39

No there's nothing outing in this post, but combined with other posts someone could work out who I was - so to keep it super anonymous it's best to NC.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 02/02/2021 15:40

@MaMaD1990

Just had another thought. Do you think he told you in the hopes you'd tell his wife so he didn't have to?
Yes, my thoughts too. He really is quite a git. Cheats on his wife, then burdens his colleague with the knowledge of his penis-dipping.

OP, you said "Now I know a lot of other things make sense. It's odd how things go on under your nose and if you're not looking you ignore."
Is it possible, since something was under your nose, he thought you suspected? And by telling you, he thought he'd be safer in some way? That your curiosity would be satisfied and you wouldn't ask anything that his wife might pick up on? (Not saying you were curious, but I suspect he thinks he's the centre of everyone's attention, not just OW's.)

BronwenFrideswide · 02/02/2021 15:43

I would ask him why he told you, what does he hope to achieve by telling you - a means to share the guilt, sympathy from you, support for him to continue in the affair, support from you when the inevitable shit hits the fan and he is found out/confesses to his wife and leaves? He clearly wanted something from you otherwise he wouldn't have told you.

If you are unhappy being put in the position he has put you in as an unwilling and unwitting accomplice in his betrayal of his wife tell him in no uncertain terms to tell his wife now.

TitInATrance · 02/02/2021 15:45

He’s using you to relieve the guilt and test the waters for the sort of reaction he’d get if the truth (or his version of it, the one you heard) comes out. He might be trying to look more interesting to you, not necessarily sexually but as someone more than usually in demand, multi-dimensional. Recognising that shallow would be the better word!

I’ve been in the wife’s position a couple of times. I’d want to know everything that you know but I would not want to discuss it or look you in the eye. A letter or anonymous email would be best - but anonymous email does tend to go to the spam folder.

ReggaePerrin · 02/02/2021 15:46

Having been in the wife's position I would want to know. I was desperate for someone to confirm what I strongly suspected but knew that if I confronted my husband he would just lie his way out of it and make me feel worse than I already did. He was good at that. I don't think it's your place to tell her though, it's her husband's.

What did you say to him when he told you, OP?

KirstenBlest · 02/02/2021 15:47

There's not much you can do.
You could point out to him that the stands to break up his family, and end up finding that the grass isn't greener. If he ups sticks to go to the OW, he won't see his DC much.

Could you somehow alert the OW that he's a cheating scumbag.

SabrinaMorningstar · 02/02/2021 15:53

Why do you care what anyone else would do?
You've decided you're going to keep his secret and be complicit whilst pretending to feel sorry for his poor wife. His affair may be his business but how you respond to the information is your's.
It may be time for some introspection about why your response is to remain complicit, continue a friendship with the wife on social media and post to gossip about it on a forum. I don't think it's your 'talk to me' face he responded to. He sensed your questionable values and acquiescence. Your unthinking assertion that he seems to love the OW 'very much' is sickening in the extreme. He's not the only one who doesn't respect his wife. Hmm

crochetmonkey74 · 02/02/2021 15:53

A good friend of mine found out her husband was having an affair from an anonymous letter through the letterbox. The letter had clear evidence (dates times, names and addresses) shes never found out who it was from but is eternally grateful

Original poster
Castouttoseea · 02/02/2021 15:55

The OW knows he's a cheating scumbag. She's on his social media too, which is full of pictures of his wife and kids.

In answer to the question, what did I say. Not a lot to be honest, just that I was sorry to hear he was so unhappy and I asked how long it had been going on for, not out of nosiness, more out of something to say.

As for him telling me because he thought I already knew, perhaps. But he is quite an arrogant man, so thinks he's kidding the world already. He was kidding me, I had no idea, but now I know other things make sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Castouttoseea · 02/02/2021 15:57

Wow @SabrinaMorningstar ! That's some assumption you've made about me. What a horrible message.

OP posts:
StamfordHill · 02/02/2021 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

OhWhyNot · 02/02/2021 16:02

He is sharing he guilty secret less of a burden to him

Tell him you don’t wish to know it’s his issues to sort out

Regardless of some us having been in that position and it’s very painful you are not a close friend you will not there for support just leave it be and she may know and be biding her time, or had a thousand other reasons to not deal with the matter you don’t know

Do we really want to live in a morality police state where people tell on each other for doing something they disagree with (that isn’t against the law)

MaMaD1990 · 02/02/2021 16:02

@SabrinaMorningstar are you quite alright? This isn't a 'bash the OP with bitchy messages thread'. Move along.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 02/02/2021 16:02

He hasn't confessed.

He has shared his guilt

And now you are carrying it too!

Next time he so much as looks in your direction tell him you don't want to hear it. You are a work colleague, not someone he can use to dump his dirty linens on!

Write him off a a human being! and, much as it pains me (I have told a good friend about her cheating partner, and his outside kids), if you don't know the wife outside work things don't seek her out either.

But definitely shut him down if he tries offloading on you again!

slidingdrawers · 02/02/2021 16:05

This work colleague of yours clearly respects women and their boundaries doesn't he Hmm.

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