Colleague admitted to affair

[Castouttoseea]

I've name changed for this thread as it could be outing.

I work with a guy who is married with three children, youngest is 2. He's just confessed to me that he's been having an affair for a year and a half with a woman who lives about a four hour drive away. He has a hobby that (outside of Covid) allows him to travel some weekends to see her. He confessed to me outside of our professional boundaries (I don't need to know for work purposes).

I don't really know him but through social events I'm friends with both him and his wife on social media. I am not making any excuses for him. I'm a little bit upset for his whole situation, but mostly for his wife (she has no idea). It's of course none of my business but would you want to know? I would most definitely.

There's no doubt here, he's confessed totally. I must have one of those 'talk to me faces' as he asked if he could talk to me and blurted it out. He said he has no one to talk to about it. He's very much in love with OW (well for now).

I'm not going to do anything about it, but just wondered would you want to know?

If you are working in person with this horrible man (during the pandemic) there is the issue if he has been travelling a distance during the pandemic for non-essential reasons. Which is a Health and Safety issue for your employers, as increasing the risk of spreading the virus should be have it asymptomatically.

I tend to think that men who disclose this to someone are actually seeking validation and support. They perhaps think that you will tell them that if they are in love it’s ok or that they can’t help their feelings. They are wanting to feel less ‘bad’ or guilty about what they are doing.

I’d be making it clear that it’s not ok and he should take a long hard look at everything he has to lose.

@HollowTalk

Exactly. Good advice.

It’s a tricky situation, OP. I’ve been there in that quite a senior colleague confided something personal to me when feeling vulnerable and I felt uncomfortable knowing even though I’ve never disclosed it anywhere - then they regretted telling me and it was tricky for a while. It’s awkward when the person gives no warning of the impending bombshell so you have no opportunity to say ‘whoah, I don’t want to know.’

He sounds conflicted about the affair. I think it would be fine to suggest he speaks to a counsellor if he feels he needs to talk further as a work colleague knowing can feel quite uncomfortable - you now know something potential volatile about him which affects the power balance in your relationship. As to his wife - she may know, or at least guess. I wouldn’t be the one to tell her personally, but I would suggest your colleague may want to get some support away from work. It’s not really fair to use a colleague as a therapist.

And I worked somewhere many years ago where it was an open secret that two people who were otherwise committed were most likely an ‘item’. That was at times veeeerrry awkward. An entire herd of elephants in the room.

maybe you should just go ahead and blackmail him OP....he's asking for it surely?
(j/k)

Tell her for gods sake it’s wrong of you not to.
Poor woman deserves time to find happiness . It’l probably all Come out at some point why should she be kept in the dark, your not even close to
Him.
Tell her

This happened to me. It was my friend who has also my personal trainer. I sublet my work premises to her for classes.
I kept her secret (although I never acknowledged it with her again) and then 6 weeks later she gave me the heads up that I was her alibi...

That's when I told her straight. No way. It was the end of our friendship and definitely the end of our professional one. I gave her notice, but between then and the end of term I was always petrified that I would find evidence of their activities in my work space!

Getting the key back was such a relief...

Well that got very nasty very quickly. No wonder OP has done a runner.

If I didn’t know the wife or wasn’t friends with her I’d just keep out of it.