Colleague admitted to affair

[Castouttoseea]

I've name changed for this thread as it could be outing.

I work with a guy who is married with three children, youngest is 2. He's just confessed to me that he's been having an affair for a year and a half with a woman who lives about a four hour drive away. He has a hobby that (outside of Covid) allows him to travel some weekends to see her. He confessed to me outside of our professional boundaries (I don't need to know for work purposes).

I don't really know him but through social events I'm friends with both him and his wife on social media. I am not making any excuses for him. I'm a little bit upset for his whole situation, but mostly for his wife (she has no idea). It's of course none of my business but would you want to know? I would most definitely.

There's no doubt here, he's confessed totally. I must have one of those 'talk to me faces' as he asked if he could talk to me and blurted it out. He said he has no one to talk to about it. He's very much in love with OW (well for now).

I'm not going to do anything about it, but just wondered would you want to know?

I suspect he was trying out telling people, to see what their reaction would be. He’s disengaging from his marriage and I’m afraid you’re collateral...

[quote Lochabernomore]@CleverCatty so why your comment, he didn't have children though. Please don't call me stupid.[/quote]
You are being deliberately pedantic then rather than stupid.

To me - if you are married and have an affair and this causes your marriage to break up then of course it's more damaging to the children if you have them as a couple.

If you don't have children then there's emotional damage to the spouse but there's only that person to think about and not children.

Whether he realises it or not he's using you to expose the affair.
He obviously wants something to happen ,maybe he can't live the lie anymore.
He's spineless because he can't tell his wife, be needs you or an external factor to bring it to ahead.

@CleverCatty

I'm not being deliberately pedantic, I'm quoting you word for word. I am far from stupid! You are far from clever.

I don't doubt it's very damaging for the children - not in doubt at all. But is the hurt to the wife more if she is a mother than if she weren't?

I wouldn't want to be in your position OP but having been the wife in this situation I would have been grateful if someone had spoken to me. Instead I spent months thinking I was losing my mind. Eventually exH tripped himself up and I spared myself more humiliation by leaving. Difficult for you for sure - what a slimeball.

If one of my colleagues confided in me about an affair, I would tell them I would rather they didn't talk to me about it. When I was younger, I worked in a place where two of the staff members, both married to other people, were having an affair and everyone knew about it, apart from the betrayed spouses.

@CleverCatty

Reported. If you can't substantiate your argument don't write it. Look up substantiate in the dictionary.

Tell him to play the movie to the end.

• telling his wife
• telling his children
• leaving their house, knowing he'll never live with the children again
• financial problems due to trying to run two homes
• the children suffering without him there
• the children not wanting to meet the new woman
• the new woman not wanting her free time to be spent with his children
• the new woman not wanting to be skint because he's paying so much on maintenance
• watching his children go on holiday without him
• watching them bring their friends back to their mum's house but not his house
• maybe realising that the other woman just isn't worth it - once the lust has worn off, he doesn't even like her

Etc etc

@CleverCatty, I read your post as suggesting that it mattered less if there weren't children.

[quote Lochabernomore]@CleverCatty

Reported. If you can't substantiate your argument don't write it. Look up substantiate in the dictionary.[/quote]
Reported?! Don't make me laugh.

A quick search of your few posts I can see you're suspicious of your DH and his children being unkind to you.

Don't project your insecurities onto me.

[quote KirstenBlest]@CleverCatty, I read your post as suggesting that it mattered less if there weren't children.[/quote]
exactly - that is exactly what I meant.

Some posters can't read.

what an idiot, not only is he a cheat but he gives away incriminating info about himself

@KirstenBlest
Thank you! Perhaps you're a stupid woman too? (Joke, very obviously you're not)!

@CleverCatty

Do you want to rethink your last post? You really do look silly now.

he's inviting you to join him in smirking at his poor wife isnt he:(

@CleverCatty

Oh you have been reading too much mumsnet. Do you even know what 'projecting your insecurities' means? The quote you copied wasn't addressed to you, so if I was projecting onto you (which I wasn't) it wouldn't be addressed to someone else, would it??

He has really really used you as a support human. I would not let that happen again.

He is a complete shit. In COVID times he is potentially carrying the virus o different households where this is not known as a risk. He also might be (as my husband was ) having sex with the affair person with no condom (because she was so wonderful that she could never have had any sexual health issue)

I think it is a hard situation but if he speaks to you again I would raise the COVID issue.

And yes I would have wanted to know re the affair because my husband was driving me nuts with his awful behaviour that I could not understand why it was happening.

But probably you cant tell the wife because it would put you at risk in the office and potentially otherwise . But I would distance myself from the shit.

@CleverCatty

Not only very misinformed, ill-educated, but also exceptionally rude.

Psycho? Really, you're using this sort of language in 2021?

@CleverCatty, Oh well. I suppose childless women are devoid of feelings.

[quote KirstenBlest]@CleverCatty, Oh well. I suppose childless women are devoid of feelings.[/quote]
I didn't actually say that now did I?!

@CleverCatty, no you didn't, but that is what it implied.