Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

@Confusedlady246 well I don't know if OP is having it both ways.

Like I said maybe her husband is happy with whatever and she's fully choosing to buy more than they need or very expensive stuff.

But can you imagine if he wasn't? And if she tried to say she can't afford it it would turn into another "I resent you, this is all your fault, this is because of your debt!" rant.

I know there have been a million replies but I just wanted to say I feel SO sorry for you OP. You have had a horrible time, you are really sorry and your husband is not being very kind. I am not sure he should pay for the debt from his savings, but he should help you out a bit when you run out of money before payday and also stop punishing you about it. You can learn a lesson without being made to feel guilty for ever.

I'm genuinely surprised so many people don't seem to think £80 a week for two people isn't incredibly high.

It clearly is incredibly high. No judgement of people who chose to spend their finances in that way but in reality they are spending maybe £50 for 'normal' food for 2 and then an additional £30 of their discretionary money too. Just need to be honest that if you do this every month, that's £120 additional discretionary money which you've chosen to spend that way.

We spend £100 for a family of 4 including toiletries and cleaning products. I think we are fairly average really. Not actually sure how you'd spend £80 for two but I guess lots of premium meat, expensive fish or just the best versions of everyday staples? Assuming it's not loads of booze!

OP didn't spend it on drugs either.
She was severely depressed and spent money to make herself feel better. She was so ill she was off sick.

But this is exactly what someone who spends it all on drugs or alcohol would say!

Some people spend their money on drugs, some on casinos, some on prostitutes, some on clothes - people have shopping addictions just like drug addictions.

I don’t think it’s fair people can put the word depression in-front if it and suddenly they’re absolved of all responsibility. Regardless of whether it is an illness in itself it is still selfish.

@Smallgoon

To all the people sticking up for the husband, why hasn't he offered to cover the cost of her debt using his savings, on the proviso she sets up a dd paying him monthly? Surely this makes more sense than her throwing away money on interest, and is what a supportive partner would do?

Maybe he is afraid she'll relapse.

People who are bailed out financially seldom learn their lesson.

@RedskyBynight OP has already said several time that some of her lenders have refused to freeze interest despite StepChange trying to convince them to do so. So she is still paying interest on some of the debt.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

A loan of £8000 at the lowest interest rate (0.1) to repay in 4 years is £167 ,so over £160. And OP has multiple lenders which I doubt are charging the lowest interest rate.

That will not be how it works.

Stepchange try very hard ensure you're not charged interest when you pay back your loans. They can't always do it; the OP has said she's paying interest on some (but not all) of her loans, but she isn't paying high rates on 8k worth of debt.

@toocold54

OP didn't spend it on drugs either. She was severely depressed and spent money to make herself feel better. She was so ill she was off sick.

But this is exactly what someone who spends it all on drugs or alcohol would say!

Some people spend their money on drugs, some on casinos, some on prostitutes, some on clothes - people have shopping addictions just like drug addictions.

I don’t think it’s fair people can put the word depression in-front if it and suddenly they’re absolved of all responsibility. Regardless of whether it is an illness in itself it is still selfish.

Agree. I feel sorry for OP but millions are depressed and they all don't blow $8,000 on crap.

OP, have you considered reselling any of your goods to recoup some cash?

We spend £100 for a family of 4 including toiletries and cleaning products. I think we are fairly average really. Not actually sure how you'd spend £80 for two but I guess lots of premium meat, expensive fish or just the best versions of everyday staples? Assuming it's not loads of booze!

OP has already stated she does t drink! 🙄

Wow some really nasty people on here tonight. I bet none of them are perfect.
After reading all your posts I think you have been abused for a long time.
He treated you badly when dating, you are questioning if it is you that's made him change "from a lovely kind man", you can't buy sanitary products from the joint account without getting blasted, you do all the housework, he tells you you won't gain forgiveness for two years.
I can't see anything positive about him and ignore people saying he's the victim. It's scary how often abusers make others think that.
Please leave him if you can. You deserve someone a million times better and don't blame yourself.
Next time he brings it up tell him if he wasn't such an unsupportive partner you wouldn't have felt the need to spend so much. See how he likes it when the boot is on the other foot.

@Beautiful3

Well done, you've done so well. Keep it up! 2 years is nothing. When you've paid it off, you ll have more money to spend on yourself.

I have never ever said this on MN but I would undoubtedly leave the bastard. I think the worst of MN is on display on this thread. You didn't make a 'mistake'. You just developed a mechanism of dealing with pain that wasn't healthy and you are now dealing with that. Your husband is an unkind man. You deserve better.

Agree. I feel sorry for OP but millions are depressed and they all don't blow $8,000 on crap.

No some become reclusive, some become suicidal, some self harm, some turn to drink.

Lots of depressed people do act rashly and out of character.

@toocold54 I was trying to make the point that a debt is a debt, you might think it is a worthwhile debt or not, but it still needs to be serviced. You can attach an emotional element to a debt, the creditors don't care if you do or you don't, they still want their money regardless. The debt can be paid plus a lot in extra interest or the debt can be paid out of existing funds and the money paid back into the fund, one of these makes more sense finacially.

toocold54 indeed, because whilst she is using using practically every penny to pay down the debt, which she has apologised for, and being bullied over 2 years later on a regular basis by her arse of a husband the OP has clearly not suffered enough. Bring back the stocks and throw rotten veg at her or maybe drag her round the town on a horse with a scarlet letter on her head. That'll learn her

To all the people sticking up for the husband, why hasn't he offered to cover the cost of her debt using his savings, on the proviso she sets up a dd paying him monthly? Surely this makes more sense than her throwing away money on interest, and is what a supportive partner would do?

I agree it would make more sense than paying the interest but as a PP said the company works out how much she can afford each month with money left over after bills, yet OP is struggling to buy tampons so she obviously struggles with money management.

He may also think if he bails her out she will be more likely to relapse and I believe that once you are with this company you’re not allowed to take out loans/credit cards whereas if he paid it she could get them too easy.

And I don’t think it’s fair that he’s saved up to spend on something important like on a house deposit, retirement, IVF etc and he shouldn’t have to spend it all on bailing OP out especially as she kept it from him.
I’m sure he’d rather they wasted his money having a big holiday or buying clothes or some other luxuries.

@Bluntness100 Because maybe he thinks she’s an adult and needs to take personal responsibility and sort her own debts?

Well your standards of what makes a good husband are so scarily low, you have my deepest sympathies.

I think the debt issue is enabling him to hide his financial and emotional abuse.

frumpety

Yes I do agree but some posters are acting like the OP has done nothing wrong when she has actually been really selfish. But that still doesn’t mean that he can be rude and keep throwing it in her face especially when she hasn’t done anything wrong since and if I was OP I would be leaving because I can’t see him ever forgiving her fully.

Your husband is being incredibly unkind.
Yes I can understand his initial upset, of course. But you know what, if that was so beyond his ability to get over he should have walked away, not hung around and tormented you. Shit or get off the pot.

I had a great deal more debt than you when DH and I got together, a combination of helping out family and an unsustainable lifestyle. I was too scared to tell him for months.

When I did he was nothing but lovely about it and insisted I stop paying him any rent or anything towards the bills and just focus on paying that off. Nor did he carp about it or monitor my spending.
That's because he's a good, kind man. Your husband is not.

You've done really well facing up to it, taking stops and working hard to rectify it. But honestly I would keep doing that for you, not for him. He's shown you who he is - and is that really someone you want to face the challenge of raising children with? Will he continue to want to split things 50/50 with a lower earning partner but now expect you to pay for all the baby stuff as well? Cover your own maternity leave? Harm your career while he gets promotions and payrises?
I think you have a lot to think about.

Expenditure

• Mental health problems can shape how our minds work and how we behave, as well as our emotions. Common symptoms of mental health problems, such as increased impulsivity and memory problems, can make it harder to keep on top of financial management or to get a good deal in complex markets, increasing the likelihood of financial difficulty.11
• Many people with mental health problems report that their spending patterns and ability to make financial decisions changes significantly during periods of poor mental health. A Money and Mental Health survey of nearly 5,500 people with mental health problems found that, while unwell:
• 93% spent more than usual
• 92% found it harder to make financial decisions
• 74% put off paying bills
• 71% avoided dealing with creditors
• 56% took out a loan that they would not otherwise have taken out.12

Almost one in five (18%) people with mental health problems are in problem debt. People experiencing mental health problems are three and a half times more likely to be in problem debt than people without mental health problems (5%).4

• 72% of respondents to Money and Mental Health?s survey said that their mental health problems had made their financial situation worse.5

It's not an excuse but it is understandable and it makes sense, if you have any degree of empathy or emotional intelligence.

But this is exactly what someone who spends it all on drugs or alcohol would say!
Well of course addiction is addiction whatever the vice food addiction, drug addiction, alcohol addiction shopping addiction, what do all these people share = lack of control, pain, trauma, hiding from realities, happy content people with good mental health and support system rarely become addicts.

@wewereliars

I don’t think OP should be punished at all I think she needs to leave him. I actually think he should have left her as he’s the one with the problem. I don’t think she needs it thrown in her face but she can’t be surprised that he is upset and doesn’t want to use the money he’s saved up (by going without certain luxuries) just to bail her out. When if it is an illness that’s the worst thing he can do.

@Bookwords

Agree. I feel sorry for OP but millions are depressed and they all don't blow $8,000 on crap.

No some become reclusive, some become suicidal, some self harm, some turn to drink.

Lots of depressed people do act rashly and out of character.

Nah, no excuses. They should be punished for it and their "selfishness " indeterminately.

I don't know if I want to hug you or shake you, probably first one then the other.

Your posts make for painful reading to anyone with an ounce of heart.

You can't see how badly he is treating you, you think it's all your doing. You even take the blame in one post for making him into the bastard he seems to have become.

You are letting him convince you everything is your fault because of this one thing, that not only is £8,000 of debt a terrible terrible crime (it really is not) but that you have committed that terrible crime against him (you did not) hence he is fully entitled to punish you at will and ceaselessly. I mean, two years of random verbal abuse and the promise of another two, that's gone over the border of fucking ridiculous and is heading off to the South Pole.

I don't give a shit what anybody says, he is not your victim. Personal debt is personal debt. It is not transferable. His name is on none of it. You put YOURSELF in trouble and only you. You worked full time. You took out credit based on that wage. It got a bit out of hand. Your work, your wage, your credit, your debt, your mistake to suffer the consequences of. If you had been single all during this, the debt would have happened the same way so how does he get to claim offence, harm and the right to retribution just for living in the same house.

Oh, you didn't confess all your personal spending of your own money and your own line of personal credit to him, big whoop. What is he, your dad? your fucking owner? Does he tell you everything he spends ever, just in case you think it frivolous, no, thought not.

The fact this thread has numerous intentionally obtuse bullies posters backing him up is not doing you any good at all.

He has a large talent for gaslighting and emotional abuse. You work full time but do everything around the home. You pay more than he does because you cover movable costs (food, motoring costs) while he covers half the rent and three static utility costs which are going to come nowhere near grocery and transport costs.

He is not making your life better like a loving partner should. Please recognise him for what he is while you can still find happiness elsewhere.

P.S. Sounds like he is pissed he can't cocklodger all your wages off you because you got in a bit of debt that you have to now pay off. I bet he said fuck all about the benefits to him of your overspending while you were accruing the debt and paying the minimum each month.

He sounds like an utter twat, its 8K not 80K and he will resent you if you go on maternity leave ans resent you spending money on the baby, get rid.