Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

My OH let his debt get so bad debt collectors turned up at our house. I gave him such hard grief for a couple of weeks and then that was it. I helped him pay it off. That was two years ago. I cant actually understand how someone can be angry for 2 years... if thats on the surface what is going on underneath?

I didnt complain when his abysmal credit rating meant we had to go to a sub prime lender and pay an extra £450 a month on our mortgage because we are a team.

He also isnt complaining when i have racked up £16k of debt that i am managing because we are a team.

I think he is financially and emotionally abusing you sorry and i would be making waves to leave.

[quote toocold54]@wewereliars

I don’t think OP should be punished at all I think she needs to leave him. I actually think he should have left her as he’s the one with the problem. I don’t think she needs it thrown in her face but she can’t be surprised that he is upset and doesn’t want to use the money he’s saved up (by going without certain luxuries) just to bail her out. When if it is an illness that’s the worst thing he can do.[/quote]
He earns nearly double what she does, while their costs are similar. That's without the 20k something savings. Do you really think he's going without?

As your paying for it , its actually none of his business
Do you tell him what he can do with his money
He earns more than you yet you pay half rent ?

toocold 54 you really are spectacularly missing what is going on here. Don't become a Samaritan or counsellor for the love of God. Your username is spot on.

@user234987653 excellent post. It's a pity OP has posted in AIBU which attracts the inadequates that fill the voids in their own souls lives by bullying the vulnerable, Relationships would have attracted far more thoughtful responses.

Its good your dealing with stepchange as they are helpful and your on right track ,

@user234987653

I don't know if I want to hug you or shake you, probably first one then the other.

Your posts make for painful reading to anyone with an ounce of heart.

You can't see how badly he is treating you, you think it's all your doing. You even take the blame in one post for making him into the bastard he seems to have become.

You are letting him convince you everything is your fault because of this one thing, that not only is £8,000 of debt a terrible terrible crime (it really is not) but that you have committed that terrible crime against him (you did not) hence he is fully entitled to punish you at will and ceaselessly. I mean, two years of random verbal abuse and the promise of another two, that's gone over the border of fucking ridiculous and is heading off to the South Pole.

I don't give a shit what anybody says, he is not your victim. Personal debt is personal debt. It is not transferable. His name is on none of it. You put YOURSELF in trouble and only you. You worked full time. You took out credit based on that wage. It got a bit out of hand. Your work, your wage, your credit, your debt, your mistake to suffer the consequences of. If you had been single all during this, the debt would have happened the same way so how does he get to claim offence, harm and the right to retribution just for living in the same house.

Oh, you didn't confess all your personal spending of your own money and your own line of personal credit to him, big whoop. What is he, your dad? your fucking owner? Does he tell you everything he spends ever, just in case you think it frivolous, no, thought not.

The fact this thread has numerous intentionally obtuse bullies posters backing him up is not doing you any good at all.

He has a large talent for gaslighting and emotional abuse. You work full time but do everything around the home. You pay more than he does because you cover movable costs (food, motoring costs) while he covers half the rent and three static utility costs which are going to come nowhere near grocery and transport costs.

He is not making your life better like a loving partner should. Please recognise him for what he is while you can still find happiness elsewhere.

P.S. Sounds like he is pissed he can't cocklodger all your wages off you because you got in a bit of debt that you have to now pay off. I bet he said fuck all about the benefits to him of your overspending while you were accruing the debt and paying the minimum each month.

But that's not how it works.

If your partner gets into debt to the point where they have a debt management plan, it will impact on you. Especially if you are married.

You cannot pretend otherwise.

@Doodlebug5

My OH let his debt get so bad debt collectors turned up at our house. I gave him such hard grief for a couple of weeks and then that was it. I helped him pay it off. That was two years ago. I cant actually understand how someone can be angry for 2 years... if thats on the surface what is going on underneath?

I didnt complain when his abysmal credit rating meant we had to go to a sub prime lender and pay an extra £450 a month on our mortgage because we are a team.

He also isnt complaining when i have racked up £16k of debt that i am managing because we are a team.

I think he is financially and emotionally abusing you sorry and i would be making waves to leave.

This is the definition of a marriage - through sickness and health, rich/poor etc. Same can't be said for many posters in this thread, who deem OP's dh's behaviour to be "normal". Poor souls.

I was in your husband's position, and I didn't leave. My OH started to borrow on payday loans, didn't pay bills that needed paying and got into arrears and eventually, it was over £6,000 and bailiffs threatening to take everything we owned. I was angry, yes, and sad. But he admitted everything, just like you did, and we moved on with a plan we made together.

Money was really tight for a while, a long time actually, and he blamed himself so much I found I couldn't bring myself to pile any more shame onto him. Because you don't do that to people you love.

We now share our finances.

He sounds awful. Instead of supporting you and helping you through the issues, he's using it to batter you over the head with it.

Sorry op but I'd struggle to remain in a relationship with someone with so little empathy and so much selfishness.

We all make mistakes now and again and you've had masses of stress to deal with. It's debt, you haven't cheated or hurt anyone

@wewereliars explain to me how I am missing something?

If OP was a man the replies would be very different indeed.

I'm sat here in tears, I never meant for this thread to blow up and arguments to happen.

To new posters who haven't read the whole thread, I have asked to go to marriage counselling, I haven't taken a loan out since being with stepchange, I have barely bought anything for myself other than necessities for the past 2 years.

We are not trying for a baby currently.

Some of my lenders have refused to stop interest being added on.

I do my best to budget the food shop, I only buy meat, veg, fruit, necessities and I more or less cook everything from scratch but when you add cleaning products, shampoo, laundry detergent etc it racks up. I'm constantly looking for offers. I don't drink so I don't spend on alcohol for myself but he will ask me to grab a crate of beers or a bottle of wine on the odd occasion.

I take full responsibility for my mistake, the guilt of it weighs on me as does the miscarriages, I'm getting help but I'm at breaking point.

So many of you are quick to attack and I pray none of you make mistakes like I have and have to pay for them by living like this.

Thank you again to everyone who's been so kind, your words have not gone unnoticed x

There have been a lot of busybody dicks on this thread, OP. Look after yourself and remember that you deserve kindness.

I've been with this man since I was 16, I adore him. All of my miscarriages have been with him of course as I've never had another partner. Maybe he resents me for that too. I've had no real answers as to why I can't carry past 8 weeks.

I won't even buy myself a bar of chocolate, I'm doing my best to budget every penny.

I've worked full time since leaving school, I was never in debt until I had a mental health crisis.

I can't sell anything, most of it went on material things such as clothes, make up, getting my hair done. Anything to make me feel temporary happiness and I'm sorry for that every single day.

He earns nearly double what she does, while their costs are similar. That's without the 20k something savings. Do you really think he's going without?

Everyone who saves is obviously saving for a reason - he could be buying ridiculously expensive suits and jewellery as he has the money but he has chosen not to.

The absolute worst thing you can do to someone who has an addiction to spending (whatever it is) is to constantly give them money/bail them out.
If he gave up his savings and she did it again where would that leave him?

Time and again people on here tell women to have their own account/savings incase anything happens. Is he supposed to use all of his money up and never afford a house or whatever because OP wanted to go shopping?

Op I have been there also used stepchange and its now all paid off and my credit rating slowly improving , stepchange and the likes wouldn't exist if this never happened .
Its easier done than people realise .
Good luck to you getting it sorted.

God don’t worry about the arguments on here op, they aren’t serious, honest,

I hope you get it sorted and can get to a happier place. 💐

@wishes1111 please you NEED to stop being so hard on yourself and beating yourself up.
Why shouldn't you have a lipstick or a bar of chocolate? You've not commited a crime and you're as worthy of a little treat as any other human being.

To new posters who haven't read the whole thread, I have asked to go to marriage counselling

OP how long are you planning on staying in a relationship like this?

When it comes to money you are too opposite to each other and I think even if you managed to pay your debts off the resentment will still be there.

I would leave and pay your debts off as you are doing. You will be much happier.

Oh OP, it is not your fault. Not the miscarriages and not the mental health issues. Of course you could have dealt with it in a different way but there's no point saying that now, you were in the middle of a crisis, you could only think about the temporary results. Those of us who have been there understand how easy it is to get yourself in that position whether it be drink, gambling, spending and by the time you realise how bad it is you're overwhelmed. Please don't feel guilty

toocold 54 What you are missing is that the OPs husband is an abusive bully, the issue of money is not the real issue at all. He is using it as a weapon to control and grind her down. He is a man and she is a woman, the gender is not relevant to the husband's disgusting behaviour. The op is clearly at the end of her rope, and has come to a forum of anonymous people for some support and a handhold. She does not need financial advice or a further kicking from compassion free ghouls.

@wishes1111

I'm sat here in tears, I never meant for this thread to blow up and arguments to happen.

To new posters who haven't read the whole thread, I have asked to go to marriage counselling, I haven't taken a loan out since being with stepchange, I have barely bought anything for myself other than necessities for the past 2 years.

We are not trying for a baby currently.

Some of my lenders have refused to stop interest being added on.

I do my best to budget the food shop, I only buy meat, veg, fruit, necessities and I more or less cook everything from scratch but when you add cleaning products, shampoo, laundry detergent etc it racks up. I'm constantly looking for offers. I don't drink so I don't spend on alcohol for myself but he will ask me to grab a crate of beers or a bottle of wine on the odd occasion.

I take full responsibility for my mistake, the guilt of it weighs on me as does the miscarriages, I'm getting help but I'm at breaking point.

So many of you are quick to attack and I pray none of you make mistakes like I have and have to pay for them by living like this.

Thank you again to everyone who's been so kind, your words have not gone unnoticed x

The debt is your fault. That's it.

His behaviour is not your fault.
Him clinging on to his resentment is not your fault.
Your miscarriages are not your fault.
Posters arguing is not your fault.

I would strongly suggest counselling for yourself, as you sound utterly beaten down and ready to apologise and take up blame even when there is none to have.

Sweetheart, you fucked up. A lot of people do, that doesn't mean they should become an emotional punching bag for their partners or posters on here. You deserve better than this. You are better than this.

Give yourself the same consideration and respect that you are giving your finances and seek support and help.

@SarahAndQuack why will it ?
Other than of you get a mortgage?
But if that was the case he could of helped pay it and OP pay him back.

@user234987653

He is very much in the wrong, he is using this as a stick to beat you with. This is emotional abuse.

You did NOT borrow the debt money from HIM.
HE is the victim of NOTHING here.
He has no legal responsibility here.
He has no right to pass judgement in repeated comments, that's abusive.

Agree with this.

You’ve owned up and are putting things right, why does he keep punishing you?

@wishes1111

I forgot to answer one of the questions, yes the house is maintained by me. All cleaning and laundry etc is my job here whether I have endometriosis pain or not. I think I've realised a lot since posting on here.

The man I married isn't the kind, loving man he was, maybe that is my fault and I'm sorry for that.

It's not your fault.

I used to think exactly like this until I spent time on MN and realised how unkind my DH really was.