Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

@toocold54

What if she had a physical illness and had spent the money on alternative medicine or therapy, or going private? It would still only benefit her maybe even a complete waste of money. Would you feel the same?

No there’s obviously a massive difference between spending money on treatment for an illness and recreational drugs like cocaine.

I don’t believe the replies would be the same if it was the husband who was the OP who had spent loads of money on partying and drugs and saying that his wife wasn’t spending her savings bailing him out.

I get why her partner is upset or resentful but I don’t think is an excuse to treat her badly which is why the relationship won’t last.

OP didn't spend it on drugs either. She was severely depressed and spent money to make herself feel better. She was so ill she was off sick.That's just like thousands of other people with mental or physical illnesses spending money on snake oils,homeopathy,crystals etc.

She didn't go off partying or anything.

And if it was a man in the same situation, severely depressed, a lifetime history of depression and anxiety, going through multiple counts of grief (babies and the people that raised him) I would have sympathy and empathy for him too,especially if he was acknowledging his mistakes and taking steps to fix it.

I cannot roll my eyes back into my head further enough at this self-righteous and smug judgement. I also doubt it's true*

Yep I call total bullshit!

@Bookwords

* I cannot roll my eyes back into my head further enough at this self-righteous and smug judgement. I also doubt it's true*

Yep I call total bullshit!

If you can't budget £80 a week for food then I'm not surprised you can't see an issue with the OPs spending.

@wishes1111

For the record, stepchange have been great and helpful and supportive and I'd 100% recommend them. I'm paying off probably more than I can afford to get this over quicker so that I can hopefully get my marriage back on track, if we ever can:

Good on you for saying this.

There's absolutely no need to be spending that much on two people.

@Confusedlady246

If what she buys is entirely her choice and under her control.

when she quite clearly said the debt is 8k over four years, so £160 a month.

@Confusedlady246 where are you getting this £160 a month from ? I looked at a loan at 2.8% apr and it was nearer £180 a month. but that isn't OP's situation is it ? she hasn't got one loan on a low interest rate for 8k, she owes money to a few creditors and the interest rates are likely a lot higher.

I don’t get it, you’re still paying a high proportion of the rent and bills relative to your income and you don’t share finances with your husband so how has this debt actually effected him?

"There's just no helping some people. Two people can quite easily have a food bill of £40. There's another £175 to add to the OPs £100 spare. Also, I'm not sure why she would be paying £250 on debt or whatever someone suggested, when she quite clearly said the debt is 8k over four years, so £160 a month. There's several hundred spare already, without making any other cut backs. Unfortunately, if you find yourself in debt, whether that be through spending addictions, loss of job, illness or whatever, you have to live within your means. You can't blow your money on high food costs and presents and then complain you have no money left."

Have to agree. When you have massive debt, you need to spend the bare minimum on everything else.

@MathsRocksMathsRocks

Being in debt and it having detrimental implications on your life and marriage but still insisting on buying family and friends and their children presents every month is a problem

@Confusedlady246 I don't think she said she bought presents 'every month', just that she bought presents at the times when they were needed. (And also that she no longer 'overspent' on them - I'm paraphrasing that last bit before you jump down my throat, as you have to so many other, let alone the OP)

Putting your own spin on things isn't helpful. There does seem to be a bit of 'projecting' going on with this thread.

@SarahAndQuack - picking holes in people's spelling/grammar isn't in the spirit of mumsnet. You know very well that doesn't detract from what the poster was saying - it's just putting the boot in for the sake of it. (And I'm married to an English teacher, so I'm used to the hyper-vigilance on English skills, and when it matters and when it doesn't.

For the record, I got myself into a financial mess before we got married. Nothing like the amounts of the OP, but that's not the point. The point is, it takes immense courage to admit it to oneself, let alone the person you're married to/love.

The difference is, my DH bent over backwards to help me and support me. Back then, I earned more than him, but he still helped me. Now, he earns much more than me (post children) but he never, ever brings up that time, nor does he hold it against me.

OP, I'm loathe to say this because it's too easy on here, but for once I'm thinking you ought to think seriously about whether your H has your back. Nothing you've said implies that. Please, please don't have a child with him at this stage. YOU might want a child very badly, but he isn't the man to have one with. You're too tied up with being with him since your teenage years. You deserve someone who will support you through the bad times, as well as the good, without judgement (regardless what the angelic posters who can't conceive of doing anything wrong, making any mistakes, or concealing anything through fear or grief may say).

OP, please be kind to yourself. Your DH isn't being, and he never will be. As another poster said, he won't just 'forget' this once your debt is cleared. He will use this as a stick to beat you with forever. As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.

He has. Please believe him. Please find a better life with someone who won't judge you for your mistakes.

@MathsRocksMathsRocks, if you'd actually read the posts instead of lashing out, you'd notice I'm picking up on a detail because that is what the other poster had consistently done.

Despite the fact I made clear I was talking about how good Stepchange are as a charity and wasn't in the least interested in raking over the OP's finances, she seemed personally offended that I was recommending that charity. I acknowledged I had missed one of the OP's posts and got a detail wrong, and she has spent multiple posts hounding me for that. I think, therefore, she's waived her right not to have her own posts picked over.

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

There's absolutely no need to be spending that much on two people.

@Confusedlady246

If what she buys is entirely her choice and under her control.

You are 100% right but you can't have it both ways. You can't complain you have no money and you're in so much debt and then say "well I choose to spend extortionate amounts on food. That's my choice".

It reminds me of those people who complain they've barely got any money left at the end of the month after booking their third holiday of the year 🙄

I don't know why people are trying to work out the figures for OP's budget to see how much they think she should have left.

Stepchange (who are experienced in this sort of thing) have calculated what they think they can afford based on her actual outgoings. They will not be forcing her to live on nothing, as this is counterproductive.

So, if OP is short of money, her Stepchange budget is wrong somewhere. If they have her essential outgoings recorded as less than they actually are, she needs to get in touch and get her plan adjusted. If her outgoings are correct but she's spending more on "non-essentials" than the plan shows her doing, then she needs to look closely at this.

A loan of £8000 at the lowest interest rate (0.1) to repay in 4 years is £167 ,so over £160. And OP has multiple lenders which I doubt are charging the lowest interest rate.

I think you missed out the word 'hopefully' from your statement. Not every degree is equal in terms of its ability to increase earning potential,

Yes of course but it is a degree rather than clothes. You cannot compare the two.
If you gave your DCs money to spend on a uni course or driving lessons and they spent it on clothes instead then you are obviously going to be annoyed.

@Cokie3

I spend slightly less than that to feed a family of five and I'm not even trying to budget like the OP is

I cannot roll my eyes back into my head further enough at this self-righteous and smug judgement. I also doubt it's true.

I'm genuinely surprised so many people don't seem to think £80 a week for two people isn't incredibly high.

@frumpety

when she quite clearly said the debt is 8k over four years, so £160 a month.

@Confusedlady246 where are you getting this £160 a month from ? I looked at a loan at 2.8% apr and it was nearer £180 a month. but that isn't OP's situation is it ? she hasn't got one loan on a low interest rate for 8k, she owes money to a few creditors and the interest rates are likely a lot higher.

But that wouldn't make sense would it??? Why would the OP start a thread saying she's in 8k worth of debt when in actual fact, after interest it's closer to 11/12/14/20k? It's completely misleading if that's the case and is clearly a tactic to downplay the seriousness

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

A loan of £8000 at the lowest interest rate (0.1) to repay in 4 years is £167 ,so over £160. And OP has multiple lenders which I doubt are charging the lowest interest rate.

OP is on an official DMP through Stepchange. Her interest will have been frozen in all or most cases.

To all the people sticking up for the husband, why hasn't he offered to cover the cost of her debt using his savings, on the proviso she sets up a dd paying him monthly? Surely this makes more sense than her throwing away money on interest, and is what a supportive partner would do?

I can understand his frustration about keeping the debt secret but other than that his behaviour takes the biscuit, and it would be better for the .marriage if he was proactive in helping you rather than being a pickle.

OP, I'm astonished by some of the responses in this thread, so much cruelty and lack of empathy towards you. You are doing a great job paying off this debt and have taken responsibility for sorting out your own finances. I can imagine the debt would be a bit of a shock for your husband at first, but you have asked nothing of him and he is still punishing you. Who in their right mind stays angry and resentful for 2 years without either working on making things better/having counselling or deciding to end the relationship. You can't change the past and you are making the best of the situation, it's sad that he can't see that or move on from his original anger and resentment. It seems like this is a deal breaker for more people than I would have imagined judging by responses on this thread, so maybe this is the case for him, in which case you should talk to him and consider leaving because this is no way to live.

Whatever you do don't have kids with him.

op- not only did it toture you so much you confessed,you have actively recognised the wrongdoing,admitted accountability,changed and continue to rectify.
he is being a twat for punishing you.expecting not to be mentioned is a bit much.but treating you like shite benefits nobody.tell him to stop it

What Cokie3 said with bells on. All the sanctimonious twats who have never put a foot wrong in a relationship and wouldn't know compassion if it bit them on the arse should really find a hobby.

I agree with @beachcitygirl

@Smallgoon

To all the people sticking up for the husband, why hasn't he offered to cover the cost of her debt using his savings, on the proviso she sets up a dd paying him monthly? Surely this makes more sense than her throwing away money on interest, and is what a supportive partner would do?

Because maybe he thinks she’s an adult and needs to take personal responsibility and sort her own debts?

@Bookwords

CCJ and DMP can have equal problems when applying for a mortgage! It depends on amount, when they occurred and various other factors *@SarahAndQuack*.

Now, I'm not answering you again, I'm not engaging with someone who can see that they've written they don't twice and then change it to unlikely, when proved wrong.

But you then start being the SPAG police as a lash out.

You don't know the full information, don't give advice.

I'm sure they can cause equal problems in special circumstances.

But you didn't ask me if they could ever cause equal problems.

You asked me why a DMP is preferable to a CCJ. I explained why.

If you still do not understand, just read my post again. There are situations where a CCJ will stop you from being considered by mortgage lenders/lettings agents, and a DMP will not.

There are no situations where a DMP will stop you being considered, and a CCJ will not.

Therefore, a DMP will always be the better option.

No one thinks it is ideal. But it is a much better option than a lot of the alternatives. I know that a lot of people with debt are afraid of debt plans, because they worry that there must be some catch. You are feeding those worries. I don't think you know what you're talking about. I think you've just decided you want to support the OP and you feel I'm attacking her - and I'm not. I think she's done a really sensible thing getting a DMP and I really hope you're not putting a lot of people off the idea of one, who'd benefit.

@frumpety

Shrivelled that is a really good point about student debt. A debt is a debt, whether it is a mortgage, for a car, because you have gone a bit mad on the credit card. A debt is a sum of money that is owed or due. Very few people get through life without one in some form or another.

Not really. There is debt that is secured by valuable property like a house or vehicle, which the lender has recourse to repossess in case of non-payment.

There is debt that is investment, like uni debt or business startup loans.

and then there is unsecured debt via as credit cards.