Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

£8k is hardly going to ruin anyone’s life! I left uni with 30k worth of student debt and no one is making my life a living hell over it.

A uni dent is completely different. Most people go to uni to get a degree which allows them to get a better job and more money.
Spending money on drugs, gambling, shopping etc is selfish. As it’s only for your own benefit- whether it’s a illness or not.

@Bookwords

By staying together that would imply he has forgiven her which is why I said he needs to stop throwing it in her face.

Staying together really does not imply forgiveness, it's evident here.

He's staying because it's easy. His costs are the same as if he was single (what he pays on his own even out with OP paying the council tax and for the car he also uses) and he'd have to pay rent anyways. With the added bonus that OP does the housework, he has someone to have sex with and a handy emotional punching bag that can't fight back because "you got into debt and lied about it" so I'm going to resent you for 4 years.

There's no fucking love there or forgiveness. Just convenience and having the upper hand.

@Bluntness100 my post was aimed @Confusedlady246 who seems to think that OP has £100s left that she's spending on presents etc.

[quote Bookwords]@Confusedlady246

950

Council tax 171
Car insurance 20
Petrol 40
Pet insurance 25
Food 350

Phone 30

Presents (Xmas and birthday) 20

Leaves £344, say £230 on the debt

Leaves £64

Makes sense to me, not sure why you're thinking the figures don't add up? [/quote]
So you think OP needs to spend over £80 a week for food for two people?

I spend slightly less than that to feed a family of five and I'm not even trying to budget like the OP is

@toocold54

£8k is hardly going to ruin anyone’s life! I left uni with 30k worth of student debt and no one is making my life a living hell over it.

A uni dent is completely different. Most people go to uni to get a degree which allows them to get a better job and more money.
Spending money on drugs, gambling, shopping etc is selfish. As it’s only for your own benefit- whether it’s a illness or not.

What if she had a physical illness and had spent the money on alternative medicine or therapy, or going private? It would still only benefit her maybe even a complete waste of money. Would you feel the same?

Especially when he earns nearly double what she does and he has savings three times her debt.

He scrutinises the the joint account to the penny if she ever uses it. What's the point in even having it?

[quote Bookwords]**@Bluntness100* my post was aimed @Confusedlady246* who seems to think that OP has £100s left that she's spending on presents etc.[/quote]
Fair enough

She does have a hundred a month to spend on herself and presents though, it’s purely disposable income so should be able to buy extra tampons, normally they are bought out the food shop money,

@Confusedlady246 quite a few men demand expensive food. They know their wife/partner does not have a big budget but they want all the good meat, branded stuff, the nice wine etc and expect them to buy it.

Maybe OP's husband would be happy with beans on toast, maybe not.

HE CHEATED ON HER
couldn’t give a fuck about the rest,
If someone had forgiven you, if you can’t forgive them back for a smaller thing
Leave

There's a lot to unpick here: your debt you're dealing with, slowly, responsibly. Providing you're dealing with the underlying reasons, you should be clear within a couple of years. Good luck and good wishes with this - it's a wonderful feeling to be free of this millstone.

Then there's your miscarriages. You don't specify whether they're all within this relationship, so if any of them are, he must be feeling conflicted and sad. Not everyone can express that clearly, and many bereaved fathers feel that their loss is nothing in comparison with their partners. This is something you might want to explore together, or perhaps gently suggest he approaches a counsellor.

Then there's his hostility towards you. If you're married, he has a responsibility towards you in terms of supporting you. Although your debt is yours rather than his - or your joint one - he owes you his fair behaviour in not lashing out at you and punishing you, which is clearly what's happening here. It's good that he can save (some can, some struggle), but he earns nearly twice what you do. This is an unsustainable situation and you both need to consider how you want this marriage to continue - if at all. Once you clear your debt, assuming nothing happens in the meantime, do you think he will go back to being all sweet and nice and reward you with his good humour instead?

You clearly feel utterly alone and hopeless. Wishing that he would clear your debt is unrealistic, as is his see-sawing attitude towards you. I really think you should reach out to a professional to ask for help, perhaps your GP in the first instance?

@toocold54

£8k is hardly going to ruin anyone’s life! I left uni with 30k worth of student debt and no one is making my life a living hell over it.

A uni dent is completely different. Most people go to uni to get a degree which allows them to get a better job and more money.
Spending money on drugs, gambling, shopping etc is selfish. As it’s only for your own benefit- whether it’s a illness or not.

And a person can use that 'better job and more money' to 'spend the money' "on drugs, gambling, shopping etc".

So what?

The point is, the OP can not apologise any more than she already has, and people should stop backing up her husband's abuse by further rubbing her nose in it.

Do you not think she KNOWS she was wrong? What do you want her to say? What do you want? Blood? To me, actions after an infraction like this say so much. The OP is working very hard to get the debt down. She has not bought a single thing for herself in 2 years. She is genuinely remorseful, and is GENUINE in her attempt to rectify things and pay the debt of as soon as she possibly can. That is admirable. She doesn't deserve smug and self-righteous bullies rubbing her nose in it. She needs support and understanding, not judgement. It sounds like the OP has judged herself far harshly than any of us ever could, and has been through more than many on this site. Back off if all you are going to do is throw scorn and judgement.

@Ileflottante

Wow, the other thread about everyone being cunts is being proved bang on in the extreme.

The irony is, is that the posters being the biggest, nastiest cunts, saying they can’t believe she was trying to have a baby, saying her husband should leave her, and going on AND ON about the specific amounts, are probably all up to their tits in debt themselves.

And even if they're not, they're still just a bunch of cunts.

I spend slightly less than that to feed a family of five and I'm not even trying to budget like the OP is

Of course you do @Confusedlady246 !

The mumsnetter that makes a whole chicken do for three meals per week for a family of five!

I

I do wonder if the op had posted

Since my marriage I built uo debt, which Accrued a lot of interest. I got myself in a lot of trouble and had hidden it from my husband, I told him and he was devasted, I spent it on clothes and stuff that made me happy.

He was devasted but said he resented it, he continues to resent it two years later and will for the next two till I pay this off. Once everything is paid, I have approx 100 a month left to spend on myself as I please, and that includes gifts I chose to buy. Normally my tampons aren’t included in that but due to medical reasons sometimes I need to buy extra out of my monthly hundred pounds, often I get to the third week and can’t afford them, I’ve spent all my hundred pounds and ask my husband for money and he says no, he says he will resent me till this is sorted and that I need to sort myself out

If the responses would have been different. If it would still be he is an abusive bastard and leave him. Some now I suspect not. It would have been live within your hundred fun money and buy your own extra tampons.

A lot of the responses is in the way things are presented.

What if she had a physical illness and had spent the money on alternative medicine or therapy, or going private? It would still only benefit her maybe even a complete waste of money. Would you feel the same?

No there’s obviously a massive difference between spending money on treatment for an illness and recreational drugs like cocaine.

I don’t believe the replies would be the same if it was the husband who was the OP who had spent loads of money on partying and drugs and saying that his wife wasn’t spending her savings bailing him out.

I get why her partner is upset or resentful but I don’t think is an excuse to treat her badly which is why the relationship won’t last.

@Bluntness100
Either you’re bored out of your mind or somehow corona has sent you over the edge
It’s quite odd either way

Do you not think she KNOWS she was wrong? What do you want her to say? What do you want? Blood? To me, actions after an infraction like this say so much. The OP is working very hard to get the debt down.

I’ve already said this in my post that OP is sorting out her debt herself and hasn’t made the same mistake again so he can’t keep throwing it her face - what’s your point?

And of course@Confusedlady246 it's OP spending the money on food shopping! I'm sure her lazy arse of a "D"H doesn't do that either. She does the shopping, cooking, cleaning... he's a real catch isn't he.

@Marinaloves

HE CHEATED ON HER couldn’t give a fuck about the rest, If someone had forgiven you, if you can’t forgive them back for a smaller thing Leave

Well said. His hypocrisy if off the charts. The fact that he 'goes away for work' often, combined with him blowing hot and cold towards her raises red flags to me, but I didn't want to say it in my initial post in case someone said 'working away doesn't mean you are cheating!' Of course it doesn't, but with him previously having cheated on her twice, and him being affectionate with her one week and not the next.....things that make you hmmmmmm.

Regardless, she is clearly in an unsupportive marriage that lacks steady love and commitment from her H. She would be best served getting out of the marriage asap, I think he is toxic for her and probably, if truth be told, the cause of much of her depression and spending problems.

things that make you go hmmmmmm that should be.

Honestly he sounds like a self righteous prick. So he would have enough to pay it off but instead doesnt and then reminds you how rubbish it/you are - wanker. This behaviour, at a result of past mental health issues would hint that he is also a wanker in other aspects of the relationship. He sounds unkind.

@Bluntness100 any husband refusing to buy tampons for his menstruating wife when she can't afford them, for whatever reason is a cunt!

If he feels that strongly and will let her have no sanitary protection, then he should leave!

Honestly, not sure what some people think marriages are about? It's your problem not mine, I'll sit counting my savings while you use a tampon for far too long. Hopefully you won't get toxic shock syndrome though, I might have to clear up my own sit and make dinner as well!

@Bookwords

I spend slightly less than that to feed a family of five and I'm not even trying to budget like the OP is

Of course you do @Confusedlady246 !

The mumsnetter that makes a whole chicken do for three meals per week for a family of five!

I

What a ridiculous thing to say. I spend £80 a week and eat the normal kind of things, nothing extravagant. Maybe sausage and mash, lasagne, homemade burgers etc. There's absolutely no need to be spending that much on two people.

There's just no helping some people. Two people can quite easily have a food bill of £40. There's another £175 to add to the OPs £100 spare. Also, I'm not sure why she would be paying £250 on debt or whatever someone suggested, when she quite clearly said the debt is 8k over four years, so £160 a month. There's several hundred spare already, without making any other cut backs. Unfortunately, if you find yourself in debt, whether that be through spending addictions, loss of job, illness or whatever, you have to live within your means. You can't blow your money on high food costs and presents and then complain you have no money left.

A uni dent is completely different. Most people go to uni to get a degree which allows them to get a better job and more money.

I think you missed out the word 'hopefully' from your statement. Not every degree is equal in terms of its ability to increase earning potential, a nursing degree is such a degree, not every nursing student is going to qualify and reach the giddy heights of band 8, they can't because there are not enough post's at this level, the NHS needs the cannon fodder that is band 5 far too much !

The fact remains that a debt for whatever reason is a sum of money that is owed or due. Some people who have good credit ratings can take advantage of 0% interest credit transfers ( are they still even doing these ? ), favourable loan rates etc, people with poor credit ratings can't. The OP's husband could have looked at the bigger picture in terms of family finances and thought it would make more sense to pay £8,000 out of savings and pay off the debt and then get OP to pay back the money into the savings, but he chose to let her pay a lot more than £8,000 to service the debt. This is absolutely his prerogative, they were his savings alone, not family or joint finances. He is still in a position where his spending capability isn't infringed by OP's debt, he can continue to build his savings.

I spend slightly less than that to feed a family of five and I'm not even trying to budget like the OP is

I cannot roll my eyes back into my head further enough at this self-righteous and smug judgement. I also doubt it's true.

Well done, you've done so well. Keep it up! 2 years is nothing. When you've paid it off, you ll have more money to spend on yourself.