Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

@wishes1111 I haven't read all the comments, but I have read all of yours. Yes you did something bad and you hid it from him and of course he has the right to be upset about it. But it's been years he's known of the situation, years you've been dealing with it, making amends and not slipping back into those habits. As such I feel his behaviour is completely unacceptable. Either he accepted what you did, forgave you and you moved on, or he didn't. And if he didn't, and still hasn't 2 years down the line, why on earth is he still married to you? He's bullying you. That's not acceptable. I wouldn't want to stay with someone who treated me like that

@Confusedlady246 I don't hate men, but I do think if someone has any sort of financial nous, they would see that letting their spouse pay more for a debt than they had to, would seem a bit daft and sort of self defeating, if they are genuinely concerned about 'family' finances.

The OP is repaying her debt in the best way she can, having a poor credit rating means that she isn't able to avail herself of same means as someone with a good credit rating can.

@wishes1111 Don't be silly, you aren't causing rows. People rounding on you like rottweilers isn't helpful, nice or fair. I hope you don't take what they say to heart.

I would leave the bastard.
Take his pension & half his savings. Find someone kind to marry & have kids with and never ever look back.

Op do you know how much your debt is in total? It seems the original debt may have been 8k, but paying in the region of five hundred a month for four years indicates it is closer to twenty due to interest accrueing.

Also I think you know you’re not paying half the rent, you’re paying a third?

Also you have a hundred pounds a month disposable income after all bills and food are paid for, so that’s money just to spend on presents or yourself, yet some months you can’t afford tampons or lunch.

Is there a money management issue? Yes it’s lovely to buy gifts for people. But not to thr level you can’t afford even buy tampons and need to ask him for money for them.

I get a hundred quid a month on yourself isn’t much, but it should be enough, plenty of people have much less than this to spend as they please.

@beachcitygirl

I would leave the bastard. Take his pension & half his savings. Find someone kind to marry & have kids with and never ever look back.

tbh I think I would do this too. He has not been kind. He is getting pleasure out of having you over a barrell. Please do not waste decades of your life on such a person.

leave. take what you are entitled to, pay off your debts and start again. You deserve better.

My understanding of marriage is that you are a team: pulling together. It seems to me here that he is grinding you down. You’ve owned up, you are making amends. Everybody makes mistakes, it’s how you deal with them that counts.
You are dealing with your mistake in a reasonable way and I’m afraid he is not. Is he also punishing you for not being able to produce a child? He needs to own his horrible behaviour just like you have owned your mistake. What you are doing takes strength so well done you.
I have two years left to pay off my debt from a failed business, I also am very frugal to pay in everything extra to get it done faster. Sending you a solidarity salute for paying down debt!

Oh my love I just wanted to put a post to say you've really been through the mill with all this

Your husband I think has something to hold over you and enjoys that. There is no reason for him to punish you like this, and I don't think he will stop when it is paid off. I would not be waiting around to find out if I were you. I can see that you are angry at yourself still but you must stop accepting this abuse, because it is abuse, as if you deserve it. You do not.

Are you still under the care of your doctor, on medication? Can you speak to your friends about it? You will need strength and support to deal with this. You sound really lovely and I feel for you.

Hi OP

Do you work full time? Why are you doing all the housework as well?

Oh lovely this is so horrible to read.

I find that there seems to be a lot of people on mumsnet who think debt is such a terrible world ending thing. However I would put money on the fact that 90% have wealthy family who have helped them out?not everyone has that.

I am married and have been with him since I was 16 so I know how it's is to grow with someone. We have/had a lot of debt almost 30k. Mostly in my husbands name however we have jointly paid this off together as we are a couple. When one of us feel despair at our situation the other helped them through that's part of marriage. You do not need to be treated this way for something that he could and should help you with. I'm not going to tell you what to do with your marriage, I just wanted you to know how it is in my marriage with debt. This debt does not make you a terrible person. It was a coping mechanism in a terrible time of life for you.

I am really on the fence with this one.

On one hand if he spent thousands on cocaine or gambling how would you feel? For me it is exactly the same - he has every right to feel angry and upset as this has had a massive impact on his life. It is not just about having less money but it also impacts your credit score and the fact you weren’t honest with him.

On the other hand he has forgiven you and chosen to stay with you - therefore he shouldn’t keep throwing it in your face. You have sorted it out yourself and are paying for it and not making the same mistake again which is the most important part.

I actually just think you’re both incompatible.

Just by you saying about the fact that he could afford to use his savings to pay off your debt tells me this as you have a different mindset to him. No way should he do this.
Ultimately I can’t see this relationship lasting.

I'm sorry, I never meant to cause rows on here It is not your fault it is the spirit of mumsnet. The sheep the wolf and the sheppard everyone needs a Sheppard when feeling vunerable.

@Confusedlady246

950

Council tax 171
Car insurance 20
Petrol 40
Pet insurance 25
Food 350

Phone 30

Presents (Xmas and birthday) 20

Leaves £344, say £230 on the debt

Leaves £64

Makes sense to me, not sure why you're thinking the figures don't add up?

On the other hand he has forgiven you and chosen to stay with you
No he hadnt. He is punishing her every single day. At times she cannot afford sanitary protection.

£8k is hardly going to ruin anyone’s life! I left uni with 30k worth of student debt and no one is making my life a living hell over it. In fact, my husband doesn’t even know what my uni debt is because quite frankly it’s none of his business. You had a problem, you’re putting it right. He needs to start acting like a supporting husband or piss off. Well done for changing your life around and getting into yoga and exercise. I’m sure once your self esteem fully rebuilds you’ll know what to do about your husband.

@beachcitygirl best suggestion yet!

@toocold54

I am really on the fence with this one.

On one hand if he spent thousands on cocaine or gambling how would you feel? For me it is exactly the same - he has every right to feel angry and upset as this has had a massive impact on his life. It is not just about having less money but it also impacts your credit score and the fact you weren’t honest with him.

On the other hand he has forgiven you and chosen to stay with you - therefore he shouldn’t keep throwing it in your face. You have sorted it out yourself and are paying for it and not making the same mistake again which is the most important part.

I actually just think you’re both incompatible.

Just by you saying about the fact that he could afford to use his savings to pay off your debt tells me this as you have a different mindset to him. No way should he do this.
Ultimately I can’t see this relationship lasting.

But that's the issue he hasn't forgiven her. He treats her like shit. He keeps telling her he resents her. He tells her he'll keep resenting her until the debt is paid.

If anyone believes he'll suddenly stop after 4 years of actively choosing to do so, they are deluded.

No he hadnt. He is punishing her every single day. At times she cannot afford sanitary protection.

By staying together that would imply he has forgiven her which is why I said he needs to stop throwing it in her face.

I'm so sorry you've gone through all this OP, I think your husband whilst rightly shocked and upset is meeting unfair. His continuing punishing of you will end up killing what marriage you have left. To my mind he would either have to put it behind you and move forward or not and end things. Apart from anything when the money is paid off does he then the next day start being nice to you? How is that going to happen - his behaviour towards you will be so much the norm by then.

My exh lost over 25k in a business venture he assured me want secured on the house (it was and we had to sell our home) I was of course devastated but once the initial shock etc was over and we talked about it and a way forward I never beat him over the head with it. Nothing would have been gained by doing so

By staying together that would imply he has forgiven her which is why I said he needs to stop throwing it in her face.

Staying together really does not imply forgiveness, it's evident here.

But that's the issue he hasn't forgiven her.
He treats her like shit.
He keeps telling her he resents her.
He tells her he'll keep resenting her until the debt is paid.

Sorry my post wasn’t clear.

I meant to say that when you stay with someone (after they’ve cheated etc) it’s because you’ve forgiven them which is why he shouldn’t be throwing it in her face as OP has been sorting out and not doing it again.

Shrivelled that is a really good point about student debt. A debt is a debt, whether it is a mortgage, for a car, because you have gone a bit mad on the credit card. A debt is a sum of money that is owed or due. Very few people get through life without one in some form or another.

Staying together really does not imply forgiveness, it's evident here.

I agree which is why I think the relationship won’t last.
He should have left if it was that big of a deal for him which it obviously sounds like it is.

You can’t stay in a relationship if you’re resentful of your partner.

Makes sense to me, not sure why you're thinking the figures don't add up

She’s already given the numbers and has approx 100 a month disposable income after all bills and debt repayments, food etc paid.

There are some real fucking nasty scum on here attacking the OP, they seem to come on Mumsnet to find victims to bully and put down.

OP, you're husband is a manipulative and emotionally abusive controller. He is bullying you and his constant rubbing it in your face is control. To boot he is also incredibly selfish and a tightwad. He has savings (should be your money as well, FAMILY SAVINGS, not 'his' savings) that he can use to get you out of debt quickly. He is your HUSBAND, that is what he should be doing. Instead, he is causing you to pay unnecessary interest. All he is doing is making the banks richer and you poorer. There is no upside to his cruel behaviour and his punishing you. He's an absolute bastard.

Do you really want to have a child with this emotionally barren cruel abuser? I'd get out now (easier said than done, in your financial situation, I know). He is forcing you to be at his mercy as to what his own moods are, forcing you to walk on eggshells. He is messing with your head. He is not relationship material, let alone father material. Do not have children with him, take steps to make sure you don't conceive. At least sit him down and give him an ultimatum that if he refuses counselling - as you are both unhappy in this marriage, you don't see the marriage surviving. At least you would be entitled to half his savings through divorce, that could help you set yourself up.

He has no ability to sympathise with your depression. You're supposed to be a TEAM. He is supposed to be your soft place to fall, he is supposed to be your main cheerleader. He doesn't understand nor wish to make the effort to understand your history, your depression, he even doesn't give a shit about your endometriosis and expects you to not even have tampons or pads! This is an emotionally barren cruel abusive monster. Whatever you do, (I would be sleeping in second room and not ever having sex with the arsehole again, DON'T EVER get pregnant to him ever again. Make sure that never happens, as you are trapping any future children into a miserable life with him as a dad. You need to be further tied to him like a hole in the head, the less ties you have to him the better, and the less victims he has, the better. File for divorce, get some of 'his' coughcough savings, start a whole new life for yourself and you will find a man that truly loves you who is worthy of your love and of being a father. This man can never be genuinely emotionally available to you or to any innocent children.