Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

I would also approach him with the idea of changing the split to the family finances its hardly fair you are always short and the temptation to borrow would be less if you actually had enough money for tampons and food

@Idontknowausername

I think he’s entirely within his right to resent you. You’re lucky he’s stayed with you tbh. I don’t think many women on here would stay with their husbands if the roles were reversed.

You, my dear are not a very nice person.

You could have just said NOTHING at all.

I'm also confused about the numbers here. So you earn £1,663 a month. You have rental costs of 550, council tax is 171, food and car, what 400 absolute maximum? You have £30 left a month So you're paying over £500 a month towards an £8,000 debt? And you've paid it for two years and you have two years left? How on earth does that add up?

I can't believe some of the responses on here! He is being totally awful; what is it to do with him? Its your problem and you are sorting out. His judgement is totally out of line

Financial and emotional abuse.
You earn just over half of what he does. The rent payment and be proportional.
You have confessed and are making the changes to reverse the debt. Fine if he doesn't want to bail you out but why the digs and the nastiness. Life is too short and I would be making plans to leave.

@SpudsandGravy

And to all of these people responding to the OP as though she's done something absolutely terrible to her husband...

Try to get a bit of perspective. In a relationship there are very many things very much worse than this that people do casually every day. Adultery, mean behaviour, neglecting the children, creating a miserable atmosphere in the home, failing to offer support etc. There are many 1000s of people in unhappy relationships who would give anything to be able to sort out a problem caused by a partner as easily by paying off an £8k debt that can easily be afforded out of savings.

And as for expecting OP to pay 50% of the rent when she earns so much less than him... I'm afraid that speaks volumes. This is a man focussed on money and loving his money more than he loves his family. It's despicable.

I don't think you can say that as if it's some sort of universal truth.

Some people (obviously) feel a debt - or a debt of 8k - isn't very important and nor is lying about it.

Others feel it is important; some of those will think it's worse than adultery or whatever else.

The point is how the OP's husband feels.

I was listening to a segment on Women's Hour about female gamblers and these women had lost over £500k on online gambling. How much do you have left to pay off?

maybe Op has ended up in debt because she actually didn't have enough money to live on.

Paying 50:50 bills when you earn roughly 1/3 of the household income isn't right.

He's punishing you but he needs to look at why you hid it from him in the first place.

I'd be tempted to tell him that I didn't wish to stay and be resented for the next two years. What's the betting that even once you have cleared the debt he never lets you forget it and regularly drags it up in conversations?

He will find something else to lord over her and punish her for, particularly if there is a baby. I've seen this happen over and over in real life. This type of person is fundamentally unpleasant. Do you bring up his cheating in the past, OP? No, you chose to stay and work through it. Why do you think you deserve this treatment from him?

You have a kid and he'll expect the 50/50. The threads on here from women who stay and have a kid with a person like this are legion. The person resents their wife and child as they are economically not as viable as they are; doesn't recognise the entire process on the female body, breastfeeding, etc.

It's all pounds and pence and feeling hard done by.

My husband was a SAHP for years. We shared all the money. Never once thought of 50/50 or crap like that. We're married, we're a team.

You're falling for the Fallacy of Sunken Cost here. It's a losing game, I promise you.

He'll find something else to resent you for the day you've paid off this debt! Tell him to stop being an arsehole

I am also failing to see what detrimental effect OP has had on her husbands quality or life!

He's done fuck all to help her, so he is not financially disadvantaged is he?

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

I will try and answer some questions.

• I do buy sanitary items in the food shop but as I explained in a previous post, I have endometriosis. Sometimes my period can last for 4 days, sometimes 15 days, sometimes I'll have one a month, sometimes I'll have two. I can go through a pack of tampons in two days if it's very bad. Sometimes I get caught out unexpectedly and if I do and I don't have the money spare in my account and I use a joint account, he looks at internet banking and scrutinises me for it. Even for a a pack of tampons and maybe a bottle of water for when I'm at work. (I do not spend on the joint account every month, possibly 6 months out of the year I'll have to borrow £10 from it to cover something unexpected).

• I haven't lied about the figure being £8000, I have no reason to. Some of my lenders have declined to stop interest on these debts too.

• I do not take home £2000 a month, I take home £1509 after paying tax, NI and pension.

• Our rent is £1500 a month, we live in Surrey in a normal 2 bed house, this is average for our area.

• Yes I do buy birthday gifts and most Christmas gifts, I'd be utterly ashamed of myself if I didn't buy for those I love on occasions however these are not lavish gifts.

• I wasn't in any debt when we married, I lost my grandparents and the babies after marriage. I didn't lie to him for "years".

• I was getting to the point where I was suicidal about final notices and letters of legal collections, I confessed and expected him to be angry, disappointed, betrayed, upset. I did not expect to still be punished for my mistake for so long afterwards especially since I have made positive changes and I'm addressing the debts and my depression.

• I do NOT expect him to pay my debt off, if he had offered I would have paid him every penny back. I was just noting that he has savings, triple what my debt is and if I was in his position I'd like to think that once the anger and shock had woke off I'd help him.

• I have no way said I am an angel, I made a terrible mistake using spending to comfort me in my despair of losing the equivalent to my parents and baby after baby. I am sorry for this, I regret it every day, I am anxious over this every day and I will be until it's paid.

Also his credit file is excellent. His name was not used in any of my debt.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years.

Once it’s no longer the debt it will be something else. If you have a child with him it will be him or her.

@wishes1111 well answered, very patient! Well done you.

Also 30 quid/month is expensive for a phone contract. When you can look into changing to something cheaper and keep old phone maybe. I pay £10/month.

He's being horrible and ridiculous and I say that as someone who was in nearly the same situation as him. I'm a saver. My DP racked up debt on an overdraft and two credit cards in the height of his depression a few years ago. Not blown on any one thing in particular, just not being careful with spending. Yes, I was fuming when I found out, we hardly ever argue but we had a big one that day! We agreed to a budget and repayment plan. I told him if he got the debt down to X within 12 months, I'd pay off the balance. Which he did and I cleared it. He's never done it again. In fact after the debt was clear he started saving for the first time in his life.

OP, you messed up. He had a right to be angry at the time. But he either forgives you or he doesn't. He doesn't get to treat you like dirt for years. You've come so far and in case no one has told you, you should be damned proud of turning it around and sticking to it. Honestly he sounds abusive.

I'm wondering if her husband supported her through her grief of both losing her grandparents and their babies, whether op would have spent like she did and racked up this debt?
I couldn't stay with someone who wouldn't forgive me until something like this was over. I suspect that once the debt is paid, he will be saying things like well 'we could have afforded a holiday but we can't as you had that huge debt.' etc
I also couldn't stay with someone who wouldn't even offer to give/loan me some money to buy something important like san pro.

Did you forgive his op for his infidelities? Or did you make him suffer for x number of years? I suspect you forgave him.

@Confusedlady246 I wish I was a troll and this wasn't really my existence.

Well done @wishes1111 well answered

Any man who quibbles over a pack of tampons for his wife (who suffers with endometriosis) is a complete cunt!

He tell you you need to sort it out when you explain you need lunch and tampons and you’re short???? WTAF? Snd this man is your husband?
STOP trying for a baby now. Of course he was entitled to be angry and resentful when you disclosed your debts to him. But this isn’t that, this is a power trip. This penchant for having power and control over you will only intensify when you’re home with a baby. He’ll keep you short justifying it by saying how bad you are with money. Saying to you that he’ll resent you until it’s paid off is nonsense. Resentment doesn’t just switch off on final payment day and suddenly your marriage is all tickety boo. You need to sit down and talk. He either needs to accept you messed up, are owning it and paying it off and move on or you need to separate. But the current dynamic in your relationship cannot go on.

I am so sorry you are going through this. My two cents, reiterating what others have said

• the unequal finances of your relationship worry me. It’s not fair that you pay half the rent despite earning less and that he won’t help you buy essentials like tampons. It’s ridiculous to classify that as a ‘personal expense’.

• his ongoing resentment also worries me. Does he like having you on the back foot?

• This might be a naive question. But how did he think the money for the things you bought came from, knowing that after your contributions to family expenses, you don’t have much left? This suggests to me that he cannot have a good grasp of financial things, despite being a saver, as you put it.

• my understanding of marriage is: for better or for worse. I find it shocking that he won’t help you with your debt particularly after you have proven that you have learned your lesson.

It sounds to me like a family finance MOT and a relationship MOT is in order. I hope you also look after yourself. I am sorry about the miscarriages. I think you should be proud of how you have turned things around. I feel you deserve a partner who acknowledges how hard this might have been given the traumas you have experienced.

To be honest I wouldn’t be paying off my husbands debt if he’d done it behind my back and I’d be furious about it but that’s no excuse for him to treat you that way.

He earns a lot more money than you, is there not a different way you can split the bills? I know someone who’s husband built up a lot of debt and was hiding money and they paid this off together but this meant that she took complete control of finances and gave him a set allowance for himself every month as he couldn’t be trusted. I don’t think I’d like a situation like that either.

wishes, you know no different, but I can promise you, this is NOT a loving, normal or healthy partnership/marriage/relationship. This is making you feel like shit. Do you bring up his cheating, more than once? Throw it in his face? Tell him you'll punish and resent him for all time because of it? He's had a long time to wear down your self-esteem and make you feel like shit. This actually isn't really about money, it's about control, about knowing your spouse is in an inferior financial position to you and not only being fine with it but also seeking to magnify and extend it.

Think how good you'd have felt paying this off if you didn't have this man making you feel like shit about it and telling you he will continue to make you feel like shit about it.

He doesn't see you as a partner but as an adjunct.

I wouldn't put up with a flatmate who behaved like this, much less share a bed with that person.

Probably won't even need the anti-depressants without this utter black hole of a person pulling you down.