Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

Firstly, I am sorry for the massive grief you are having to deal with; your grandparents passing and your miscarriages. That is a lot.

You made a mistake which you are paying for. You are dealing with it. I understand why your DH is feeling the way he is to a degree. My DH many years ago when we were saving money to emigrate spent some of our Cash ISA savings on debt. The deception was hard to deal with and I was angry and disappointed in him. However, I did not let it hang over our relationship for years. We discussed it and dealt with it. That is the past.

Your husband earns significantly more than you. You shouldn't be left without enough money at the end of the month to buy tampons. For him to not provide you with money for tampons is a disgrace and abuse. For him to continue to hold your debt over you this long and to say it will continue for another 2 years, is abuse.

What happens when you repay the debt? What will he use against you then? He hasn't proven himself to be very worthy currently. I certainly wouldn't be considering having a baby with him.

Have you tried to discuss this with him? About why you did what you did? How you are paying for it now? How you are taking responsibility? How he makes you feel? How not being able to afford tampons at the end of the month and him unwilling to give you £10 so you can buy them makes you feel?

I think you seriously need to revaluate your relationship with him.

I could not stay either someone so unforgiving & cold. I got into debt when my children were very small & my ex partner paid off my overdraft & I then paid her back, month by month, over a number of years. She never once referred to it, made judgments about how I spent money or used it against me in any way. In the years since I cleared the debt to her, I’ve never again used my overdraft. People can learn from their mistakes without being punished, judged and disparaged.

As for not paying for tampons, that's fucking awful! They are part of the weekly shop or whatever, they shouldn't be purchased separately!

Oh hang on.. he doesn't need them.

Arsehole he is!

OP, I am so sorry for what you are going through. And also so sorry for some of the really unhelpful comments here.

I agree with the vast majority of posters: he’s being an abusive arse. You deserve more than this. FWIW, I do earn more than my partner and have paid off some debts for him - student loan, so very different position.

You’ve admitted you were wrong yet he’s refusing to move past it. I’m so sorry to read that you say you apologise multiple times a day - I can’t imagine how tense and unhappy that environment must be.

Resentment also doesn’t have an off tap. I agree with others that once the debt is paid, he’ll find something else to blame you about.

You’ve been together for years and years, but it doesn’t sound like he is at all understanding of your mental or physical health problems. Getting up and going for a walk doesn’t cure depression any more than it would cure a broken leg.

I never really go forward ‘leave the bastard’ but I can’t imagine you won’t be much happier without him. You already are independent in your finances - go and build your pride and confidence yourself without him.

Good luck and once again, I am so sorry for your troubles

He is in the wrong. You made a mistake, owned up to it, and you're taking responsibility. I completely understand his initial disappointment but to continuously make you feel like shit is awful.

If he were my husband I would sit him down and explain that if he couldn't forgive them the relationship just won't work.

Replace the debt with infidelity, or a gambling addiction, or any other major event where one partner’s lies or unacceptable behaviour could end a marriage.

When you decide to work through something together you have to make a decision to forgive, even if you cannot forget. You cannot build the rest of your life together until he is willing to forgive you. If he cannot do that (and I would sympathise) then the marriage has to end. I don’t think this festering resentment will magically go away on the day that you make your last payment; it will have done too much damage by then.

The current situation is untenable and your marriage is not functional. You might benefit from talking to someone but it might not make much difference. Whatever you do, do not get pregnant right now.

And to all of these people responding to the OP as though she's done something absolutely terrible to her husband...

Try to get a bit of perspective. In a relationship there are very many things very much worse than this that people do casually every day. Adultery, mean behaviour, neglecting the children, creating a miserable atmosphere in the home, failing to offer support etc. There are many 1000s of people in unhappy relationships who would give anything to be able to sort out a problem caused by a partner as easily by paying off an £8k debt that can easily be afforded out of savings.

And as for expecting OP to pay 50% of the rent when she earns so much less than him... I'm afraid that speaks volumes. This is a man focussed on money and loving his money more than he loves his family. It's despicable.

@Bookwords

In sickness and in health, for richer for poorer!

Why is he not paying more debt than you when he earns so much more?

OP secretly acquired the debt while they were married and didn't tell him for years. Why would he pay her debt off for her?

Just because her earns more doesn't mean he's minted, 40k isn't a huge wage when rent etc is taken out of it.

I think he could help out with more of the household expenses to give OP some breathing space but I wouldn't expect him to pay her debts.

Why on earth should he clear your debts?

You would only run up more, once you saw them clear.

Whereas if you take responsibility and pay off the debts you alone caused, and deceived him about, you may think twice about doing it again.

You can't dodge the consequences of your actions.

However there is no need for him to unpleasant to you.

You pay the debts off, and he should keep quiet.

Also, £8k? It isn’t £20k. I don’t mean to sound blasé, it’s a lot of money but with interest I can see how it would quickly rack up - and this isn’t life changing money in a £64k household. Bloody annoying but not worth YEARS of calculated resentment.

OP, he is abusing you. You have lost your self-esteem, and you can't see how disgraceful his behaviour is. Yes, of course he was angry when you first told him about your debts. But any reasonable person would have got over that. And as for continuing his abuse while you're miscarrying ... words fail me.

He won't magically become a kind and decent person when you've paid off your debts. You don't want this sort of man in your life -- much less in your children's lives.

Please stop trying to have a child with this vicious man. He will get even worse when you're pregnant, and when you're tied down with children he will have absolute power over you all. You and your future DC deserve so much better.

You say he's a get up and go kind of guy - what the hell does he think you're doing by proactively reducing your debt and making better choices in life? He's being totally unreasonable and needs to either let it go or leave. To be honest, 8k is not that much in the grand scheme of things and it's certainly not a reason for him to treat you such a way. Have you spoken to him about how he makes you feel?

OP you sound very sad. He doesn't sound kind at all. You made a mistake you are rectifying it. You deserve to be treated kindly. He sounds cruel.

Where did I say pay off her debt @Bibidy ? He should not however be being unpleasant!

Yes you're right once you've paid 50% of the rent out of his £40k salary it will be reduced.

However, OP pays 50% of the rent out of her £24k, so she's left with a lot less!

So they're married she's earning £16k less and pays half the rent?

Do you honestly think that's fair?

They should be paying a relative amount compared to income?

But no he is saving all his money, but OP is getting into debt! I wonder why?

I'm in a similar situation to you OP apart from the resentment. I had over £8k of debt which is now down to just under £3k. When I told DH how much debt I had he was a bit shocked but I just reassured him that I was paying it off. That was good enough for him and he hasn't mentioned it since. Most of my debt was on a crazy idea I had to change my career. It fell flat and now I'm paying for that mistake. I always felt that it was my mistake and so my burden to bear. He's never paid a penny to my debts and I'd never expect it. Being in this situation has taught me a valuable lesson and now I'm focusing on being debt free in 12-18 months.

Set aside the debt.

My DH earns more than me. We pool our money, split the bills fairly, i.e. he pays proportionately more than me in reflection of his higher earnings, and then after all bills paid and joint spends such as food and toiletries accounted for, we both have the same 'free' spending money per month. He wouldn't dream of seeing me go hungry, pay from my 'free' money for my own food or tampons, and vice versa. There have been years when I have earned more, and I have been happy to do likewise. Why? Because we're married, we're in a partnership and we believe in having a fair approach to money.

Your debt repayments should come out of your 'free' spends; your food and toiletries should not.

But tbh if my DH punished me like this over a mistake I had admitted, and was taking active steps to rectify, we would not have a marriage. It is no way to live a life. And he clearly doesn't give a shit about your marriage being fair in any sense of the word.

Some of the replies here are extraordinary. One poster even going so far as to call a stranger an 'emotional ruin of a man'. It's ridiculous.

@Bibidy

Tbh to me, the fact that in the original post OP mentions her DH's income vs hers, his savings and the fact that she's upset that he tells her to 'sort herself out' at the end of the month is a pretty strong inference of the wish for some kind of financial assistance from her DH. Even if she doesn't actually expect it, it's what she feels is right. And tbh, I would help her if I were in his shoes! Where is the use in letting your spouse be skint? It affects you so much too.

You mean implication not inference, but again this is something you are reading into the text, not something that is actually there. Arguably she is simply setting out their total financial situation for context. If she didn’t posters would request the info during the course of the thread.

I have spoken to him and he said he will resent me until the day I've cleared it

This is very unsupportive. You've been through so much and are addressing the issue.

I would be resentful about his attitude tbh.

You've confessed
You're addressing the debt yourself
You went through a really difficult time and there doesn't seem to be any understanding from him.

If he was having to go without things because of your debt, I would understand a bit more.

His attitude would make me personally feel like pulling back from him and I'd think twice about sharing private things with him in the future.

So say rent is 1000.

He pays £600 plus say £70 power and £30 TV, food say £50 =750
You pay £400 plus £170 council tax, dogs £25, food say £150, diesel say £50 = 795

My numbers might be slightly out but looks like you're paying more than him despite earning less?

@Porcupineintherough

Why would tampons not go in the basket with the weekly shop?

I agree it’s baffling. When I do the family food shop I include them or even when my ex did it he included them. It’s normal to have periods and just add a pack in

You need time away from him i don't think he is helping you recover emotionally

But think practically what can you do to increase your earnings and reduce your debt? You say your with stepchange does that mean they have stopped any interest charges being put on you? Are they charging you a fee for helping you? Often if you approach companies directly they will keep the same deal plus if you have more money to play with you can pay it off faster

When was your last miscarriage? Have they investigated why it keeps happening? Is your doctor supporting you? Sadly if it were me I would put this on hold while I cleared the debt (but thats what I would do im not suggesting you do it)

@midsomermurderess a main that won't buy a pack of tampons for his wife deserves to be called an emotional ruin!

If he's going to resent you for the next two years, I'd tell him you'll see him in two years.

So he will resent you (amotional abuse) till you pay off the loan and then what after that? Is he going to suddenly love once you are not in minus anymore?
He isn't a nice person OP.