Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

OP don't explain yourself. It's already clear to anyone normal that a husband who loves you would tell you off, then support you to clear this debt. Personally mine would offer to settle it if he could, rather than see me struggle while he's unaffected (but I have a particularly kind DH).

Your husband is at the total opposite end. Wont help you out, makes you pay more than your fair share of bills, and manages to make YOU feel bad!! Total tightwad.

Hi OP,

Firstly I'm sorry that you've had to endure such hard and traumatic times. Depression is awful and it's not easy to understand for the "get up and go" types.

Having said that, i don't think it's as simple as taking sides with either you or your OH. Both of you sound like you have made mistakes.

On the one hand I would be absolutely furious if I found out my partner was in debt and hid it from me, I would make me question how much I trusted them and would make me concerned for our future.

On the other hand you are taking responsibility and taking brave and practical steps to remedy this. I would have thought a real partner would show their support and appreciation for this. Not necessarily by bailing you out, as that could be enabling behaviour but to encourage you rather than resent you.

As another PP said it doesn't really sound like a fair contribution of outgoings when he earns so much more. With all those extras it makes me wonder if it really is 60/40. The only way to know for sure is to list out all outgoings (excluding debt repayments) perhaps in a very simple spreadsheet and work out the total. From there, work out a faire way to contribute.

My partner and I have had very different incomes over the years and the breadwinner has changed too. We've always found the fairest way is for us both to pay the same percentage of our net income (after tax) into a separate joint account to cover the total of all outgoings.

I'd really expect tampons to go in food shop tbh and find it very cruel that he expects you to live without such basic items. They are NOT a luxury!

The questions I have in my mind:

Do you want to be in a relationship where you know you will be resented for the next 2 years?

Does he want to be in a relationship where he resents you for the next 2 years?

Is there anything you can do together to tackle this resentment?

OP, I've been through this but I was in your DH's shoes. I was devastated beyond belief. I understand you had a reason to be deeply upset (I myself dealth with close bereavements and recurrent miscarriages so I know it's extremely hard). No one who walked in these shoes can truly understand.

I do not think your DH should continue to resent you now after you've taken responsibility for it and you're keeping up with it. But it is your responsibility, you cannot expect him to pay it off for you. You need to sort this out. I also understand he's upset because you hid it from him - it's financial infidelity. He probably feels betrayed. I took a long time to get over this. DH and I worked through this together. But it wasn't straightforward. You need to understand that this money could have been far better spent or saved on your mutual goals and you've deprived him of that. It's like taking a big step back on top of everything else. BUT, and this is a HUGE BUT, you categorically cannot be left with insufficient money for the basics for yourself, be it sanitary products (shocking!) or basic items of clothing etc. Clearly he needs to contribute more towards your monthly budget and you need to contribute less, otherwise it's in my view financially abusive of him and you need to stand up for yourself here. Btw, has he actually been supportive to you when you were going through all this?

I'm very sorry for your losses 💐

And he cheated on you before, he'd be out the door then if that was me tbh. I think he's a selfish man, OP.

Ok rent is 1500.

He pays £900 plus say £70 power and £30 TV, food say £50 =1050
You pay £600 plus £170 council tax, dogs £25, food say £150, diesel say £50 = 995

So you're still paying virtually the same despite how much more he's earning. I think you need a chat about who pays what.

Work out how much you spend every month on it all and that is what should be split 60/40. Not the rent then you pay enough of everything else to even it up

I think he can feel as angry as he wants but if he wants to stay in a relationship he's going to have to try and get past it - he can't keep punishing you forever (or until you pay it back - what, and the day after he's going to start being nice to you again or what? And everything should go back to normal?)

Also you know your periods are irregular so put extra tampons in the shop every month so you're not running out. If you have a few light months you can always cut back bit of make sure there's always a couple of spare packets

Rent is split very fairly then for all the people using that to claim the husband is pig. £550 for OP and £950 for him.

OP I still don't see how you have no money at all after bills and debt repayments. You still haven't mentioned what your repayment is?

He sounds like an absolute nasty prick. Yes you got in to debt and he obviously feels betrayed, but he’s just using it as a stick to beat you with!! He’s going to be resentful until you’ve paid it off?! Tell him to get over himself and fuck off!!

The fact he’s wanting 50% of the rent from you just shows what a dick he is. Honestly OP, I think if it wasn’t this, it would be something else.

To put it in perspective. My DH has wracked up £20k in debt for reasons pretty similar to yours. Whilst I was absolutely furious, I have never thrown it in his face and if he were short, I would definitely give him money.

@luxxlisbon then she's paying more other bills to compensate for it

I would also add that I do not drink, or smoke or gamble so no problems there for him to resent me for.

@wishes1111 how Are the household chores split.....I've a feeling these won't be distributed evenly either?

[quote wishes1111]@Confusedlady246 I wish I was a troll and this wasn't really my existence.[/quote]
Then is it option 1 or 2? Can you confirm you are paying £500 a month for four years for a 8k debt?

I understand people saying "it's not about the money", but in this case, it is. How can we ridicule and judge OPs husband when she can't even be truthful on this thread?

@wishes1111 I could have written your post, it's quite eerie how similar your situation is to mine.

Loss of a parent, recurring miscarriages, turned to spending, racked up debt that was (only just) manageable but then I was made redundant. I found another job but with a £10k per annum pay cut - I simply couldn't afford my debt plus my essentially outgoings anymore. I ended up racking up MORE debt just to pay for essentials and service the existing debt; it was a horrific vicious cycle.

A lot of people on this thread just don't get it I'm afraid.

Maybe ask yourselves WHY the OP hid her debt from her DH. Mine was an emotionally abusive bully and I was simply to scared to tell him.

Add to that he expected me to pay 50:50 towards the household running costs despite him earning more than me, same with holidays, treats, family birthdays (I have no parents or siblings, he has several but still expects 50:50 contribution from me) etc etc and I found it difficult to say "no I can't afford that this month" because it would cause an almighty screaming argument.

He did eventually find out and used to trot out "I can't forgive you until it's all paid"..

I have since paid off all my debt in full without needing to do a payment arrangement or anything with step change and without any help from DH.

But he still throws "what I did" in my face every now and again when we have an argument and cannot accept that while the reason for the spending was depression, the reason I hid it was due to his behaviour.

Until the debt was paid and I am able to rebuild my credit rating (it's not fantastic but getting there) I have no choice but to stay with him. But I am making plans to change that in the future and I would suggest you do the same OP.

I haven't seen you say anywhere OP that the entire household outgoings, rent/bills/food/petrol is split proportionally?

Of course he has savings, he earns nearly double what you do, pays the same amount of living expenses and isn't paying off a debt, he can afford to save quite a bit

TBH, we can’t say why he feels so resentful as we haven’t walked in his shoes. People who have a spending habit, be it retail shopping or gambling, are difficult to trust. The way they hide their addiction and yo yo between putting it behind them, then relapsing, again resorting to lies and covering it up, must be a difficult situation for any partner to cope with. Even on this thread, there will be bits that Op is leaving out. We are probably only getting a very small part of the back story here.

@NC2021XX I wish you every luck and hope you're out of that situation really soon as

@confusedlady246 apt username

Have you ever heard of interest?

@Livelovebehappy I have no reason to lie on a forum that I just wanted some advice on.

@wishes1111 well done for owning your mistake and working so hard to repay everything. You have done amazingly well.

You need to have an honest and frank conversation with your husband. He is being abusive even if he doesn't want to admit or see it. He earns 60% more than you so all bills including food, pet and car need to be split tha same as rent is so you are both paying the same % towards life. From the figures you have given your total outgoings seem to be circa £1700 although you don't mention the cost of car and any bills he has so maybe call it £1900. 40% of that is £790 which should leave you with around £710 to pay debts and every thing else with.

How much are you currently playing with in terms of disposable income?

@Livelovebehappy based on this thread, the OP
has confirmed the details and that she's not "relapsed". However do you still advocate her DH not buying her a pack of tampons or some yoghurts? Really?

I think it would be a lot easier to offer advice to the OP if she just cleared up some of the anomalies.

Is it that your debt is substantially more than 8k, but you didn't want to let on.

Or is it that you have several hundred pounds left over each month after all bills, food and debt repayment and you're still struggling to manage you money?

It can only be one of those two options based on what you have said here. The half a story and hiding truths/embellishing facts could be why your husband is still resentful. I'm not at all saying he should be horrible to you, but if he is still bringing it up, maybe it's because you're distorting the truth? I imagine it's exhausting to live with someone who only tells half truths

£8000 is not the most enormous debt

frumpety but op says the rent is £1500, and her contribution is £500, so she isn’t paying the same. Her DH is paying £1000.