Husband resents me for debt

[wishes1111]

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

He cheated on you. He's fucking you over financially. He's telling you point blank he believes he has a carte blanche to be abusive to you for at least the next 2 years (he'll find something else next). Your mental health will be much improved by not thinking you have to put up with a guy who's not in a team with you. Don't bring a child into this. He'll use that as a stick to beat you with for the rest of your life.

You've fallen into the trap of sticking with someone who's shown you over and over they're not very nice because it's the only devil you know.

Well, believe me, life is a lot more pleasant without such a miserable gloomy git lording it over you.

I'd be finding a house share and getting away from him. Your bills will be lower.

Sounds tough but I'm sorry, I'd really struggle with this too.

Is it that he resents you or is it that you cant do things together now without him paying because you're paying off debt? Is it that he wants to buy a house or car jointly and cant because your credit is bad? Is it that he wants to share finances with you but cant trust you because you overspent so badly last time?

I agree, in an ideal world, he wouldn't be bringing it up all the time but in an ideal world, you wouldn't have broken his trust so badly.

I imagine the comments would be very different if the sexes were reversed here.

Either way, good luck, keep on with your plan and I hope you sort things out with your DH

@Bibidy

Surely this does show that even though OP says she doesn't expect her DH to help or pay for her, she does also resent him a bit in return for not doing that?

No it doesn’t show she is resentful, you’ve simply inferred it. It’s impossible to tell from the text, which is neutral. She simply says that if the shoe were on the other foot it’s something she would do for him.

As above, you're lucky this didn't destroy your marriage. MN is always talking about trust and you've broken his. Also, if he paid your debt off he'd probably think you won't learn from your mistakes. So many people do this then wrack the debt up again once it's cleared, that's probably what he's so scared of as it effects both your lives.

I'd be tempted to tell him that I didn't wish to stay and be resented for the next two years. What's the betting that even once you have cleared the debt he never lets you forget it and regularly drags it up in conversations?

I'd be tempted to tell him this too. He won't be the only one feeling resentful during the next two years. Op is already beginning to feel resentful towards him, and this will only increase more and more if he continues to berate and humiliate her for TWO WhOLE YEARS more! I. not sure a relationship would be retreivable in those circumstances.
I'd also tell him I have no intention of having a child with him before the debt is repaid and he drops his resentment- he'll make your life hell and never let go of his resentment until that debt is fully paid off. Even then, it'll be such a big part of how he relates to you, that he'll still resent you.
Might be worth marriage counselling at this stage so you can both try to move forward more positively together.
In your shoes, I'd also try to increase my earning power, and in the meantime share the household bills in a fairer way. Your debt is irrelevant to this issue.

Sacrificing savings to pay off someone's debt is rarely a good idea, so I'm glad you don't expect that (you might not be as quick as you claim to do likewise if you'd carefully built the savings up over years).

So you pay 50:50 for rent and 60:40 for bills?

I think he’s a twat. Yes you got into debt (not a huge amount btw). You’ve addressed it and are dealing with it in a sensible and honest way.

Putting an actual finish date on resentment is simply odd. It smacks of controlling behaviour and I’ll guarantee that even when it’s paid back he’ll be throwing it in your face.

Very sorry your going through this x Well done for taking action and sorting out your debts, you should be proud of this. Your Husband is being very unkind instead of helping you with your finances and feelings. X

@Pillowcase123

Sounds tough but I'm sorry, I'd really struggle with this too.

Is it that he resents you or is it that you cant do things together now without him paying because you're paying off debt? Is it that he wants to buy a house or car jointly and cant because your credit is bad? Is it that he wants to share finances with you but cant trust you because you overspent so badly last time?

I agree, in an ideal world, he wouldn't be bringing it up all the time but in an ideal world, you wouldn't have broken his trust so badly.

I imagine the comments would be very different if the sexes were reversed here.

Either way, good luck, keep on with your plan and I hope you sort things out with your DH

He literally told her he resents her. Not just that but that he will keep resenting her until the day it is paid. That shows determination,and not of the good kind.

Your partner has a right to feel however he feels about the debt - be that disappointment, anger or whatever. But marriage is a partnership and I’d expect a loving partner to want to support you to resolve your problems. And I’d expect him to be sad that you couldn’t talk through the immense pain of miscarriages. I would definitely not expect a loving partner to punish and blame you for a problem you acknowledge and are dealing with. I’m afraid I suspect he will find something else to ‘blame’ you for once the debt is paid. I’d hope a partner who could afford to do so might well help financially in order to get you both back on track. He’s telling you that he doesn’t see this as a partnership.

Just my tuppence, as I am on the other side of this.

My DP has debt and I earn more than him. He lives with me in a house I bought before I met him. He doesn't pay rent but gives me half the money towards household running costs (not household maintenance), so utilities, cleaning products, toiletries, food.

I am a saver and could afford to pay his debt off but I won't because we have different attitudes to money. He accrued his debt before he met me and it was spent on holidays with his ex, his DD and his former stepson. He also borrowed 2.5k to take his DD to Disneyland a couple of years ago, despite the fact that he was already sitting on over 5k of debt. He also drives a better car than me as his is on finance.

You could argue that I am subsiding him as I provide him with a rent free home for him and his daughter (2 nights per week). I'm certainly not paying off his debts as well. One I didn't go on the holidays they were spent on and two I think if I paid them off he would just rack up more debt on another flash holiday or a new car.

[quote TatianaBis]@Bibidy

Surely this does show that even though OP says she doesn't expect her DH to help or pay for her, she does also resent him a bit in return for not doing that?

No it doesn’t show she is resentful, you’ve simply inferred it. It’s impossible to tell from the text, which is neutral. She simply says that if the shoe were on the other foot it’s something she would do for him.[/quote]
Tbh to me, the fact that in the original post OP mentions her DH's income vs hers, his savings and the fact that she's upset that he tells her to 'sort herself out' at the end of the month is a pretty strong inference of the wish for some kind of financial assistance from her DH. Even if she doesn't actually expect it, it's what she feels is right. And tbh, I would help her if I were in his shoes! Where is the use in letting your spouse be skint? It affects you so much too.

But again, I'm not saying that OP is in the wrong. She is trying really hard and doing really well. She should be proud of herself. I just think that instead of letting it wear her down and feeling upset that her husband hasn't/won't help her out, she could do something in the meantime to improve the situation herself - speak to Stepchange and reduce her payments.

And without more information on their general relationship, I think it's harsh to accuse her DH of being abusive.

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through OP.

I got into a single mess when I was single. I wasn’t totally honest with my DH when we got together and when I was, he was really upset. He is very very cautious with money and a real saver - the thought of the debt made him very very anxious although it didn’t actually affect him in any way. He was frustrated that we couldn’t do things because as he saw it, it was ‘hanging over us’. And of course the fact that I hadn’t been honest really hurt him.

It was a difficult time. He’d have been entirely within his rights to decide he didn’t want to be with me. All I could do was apologise, promise it wouldn’t happen again and then stick to that. He didn’t leave, he offered to pay the debts off because he wanted a fresh start. I wasn’t happy for him to do this so we worked together on a plan to get it cleared. I took on some extra work, and then I was very lucky to get a ppi payment which was able to clear the debt.

My husband still went on to marry me and he’s never used it against me since. Whilst I’m truly sorry for what happened, and would have understood him choosing to end the relationship, and definitely understood him being wary and hurt for some time - I absolutely wouldn’t have stayed if he’d acted as your husband is. I will answer any questions he has about money or what that letter that came or whatever was, and I am careful with money these days and won’t make the same mistakes again. If he ever wanted to come to me and talk about what happened and tell me he still feels angry or hurt or resentful or whatever sometimes I’d accept that and talk to him about what else I could do to overcome it. But it’s not and never has been his place to punish me and I couldn’t live with someone who treated me with so little kindness and wanted me to be ashamed and miserable forevermore. If your husband really can’t get past it then he needs to end the relationship. He’s choosing to be emotionally abusive and the money is just a very convenient stick to beat you with.

@SittinOnTheDockOfTheBay

Just my tuppence, as I am on the other side of this.

My DP has debt and I earn more than him. He lives with me in a house I bought before I met him. He doesn't pay rent but gives me half the money towards household running costs (not household maintenance), so utilities, cleaning products, toiletries, food.

I am a saver and could afford to pay his debt off but I won't because we have different attitudes to money. He accrued his debt before he met me and it was spent on holidays with his ex, his DD and his former stepson. He also borrowed 2.5k to take his DD to Disneyland a couple of years ago, despite the fact that he was already sitting on over 5k of debt. He also drives a better car than me as his is on finance.

You could argue that I am subsiding him as I provide him with a rent free home for him and his daughter (2 nights per week). I'm certainly not paying off his debts as well. One I didn't go on the holidays they were spent on and two I think if I paid them off he would just rack up more debt on another flash holiday or a new car.

Well then you're not on the other side of it because your DH's spending is nothing like OP's and he's not currently going through a miscarriage.

£24k income

-if repaying student loan and paying into a pension at 5%, take home is c£1550
-no student loan but still paying into pension at 5%, it's c£1585
-no student loan and no pension, £1660

Hope that helps people insisting the OP has £2k a month to spend.

@SittinOnTheDockOfTheBay

Just my tuppence, as I am on the other side of this.

My DP has debt and I earn more than him. He lives with me in a house I bought before I met him. He doesn't pay rent but gives me half the money towards household running costs (not household maintenance), so utilities, cleaning products, toiletries, food.

I am a saver and could afford to pay his debt off but I won't because we have different attitudes to money. He accrued his debt before he met me and it was spent on holidays with his ex, his DD and his former stepson. He also borrowed 2.5k to take his DD to Disneyland a couple of years ago, despite the fact that he was already sitting on over 5k of debt. He also drives a better car than me as his is on finance.

You could argue that I am subsiding him as I provide him with a rent free home for him and his daughter (2 nights per week). I'm certainly not paying off his debts as well. One I didn't go on the holidays they were spent on and two I think if I paid them off he would just rack up more debt on another flash holiday or a new car.

Yes, this was my situation as well.

Partner came into our relationship with debts that severely affected our ability to move our relationship forward as it meant everything depended on me. I managed to get a new job, bought a property alone, and now we live together in it. He has recently paid off his debts due to some inheritance and now contributes half the bills, which is great for both of us. He feels so much happier now.

I definitely did help him out with things, like paying more often when we went out for dinner or picking up the tabs for takeaways and cinema tickets, but I wouldn't have paid off his debts as well. I wouldn't have let him suffer like OP's DH seems to do at the end of the month.

But indirectly, people in relationships with those with debts are usually paying for more than you initially realise. It does impact both people, even if the debtor is paying off the debts alone.

@Idontknowausername

I think he’s entirely within his right to resent you. You’re lucky he’s stayed with you tbh. I don’t think many women on here would stay with their husbands if the roles were reversed.

What a horrible thing to say. Op knows she did wrong and is working towards putting things right. She has not involved her dh in her debt so he's no need to be arsey. Talk about kicking someone when they're down. You sound like you'd get on well with ops husband.

I agree it’s a big thing, but he made a decision to stand by you, he then can’t use it to hold over you until the end of time.

Forgive me if this has been covered.
Can you sell any of the goods you bought? Ebay or similar.
Get a 2nd job?
Dh might thaw a bit if he saw you were doing even more. Plus you would be out of the house and he couldn't keep hitting you with the resentment stick and shooting snidey comments your way.
You have done so well. Keep on keeping on. The end is in sight and the relief will be amazing and worth it. I speak from experience.

OP

I'm a bit late here but FWIW...

I think your DH's behaviour is very harsh and unloving. You made some foolish choices, but there were good reason for it. You faced up to it, came clean about it and have been working very hard to fix the consequences of it. As you've taken out no new loans it seems pretty clear that you've completely changed your behaviour.

I think you're entitled in a marriage to expect much more understanding and support than your husband has offered. He should be able to see what you've been doing to put things right, and he should care more about you, his wife, than his savings account. Had I been him I'd have paid off the balance. I'm sure many loving partners would have done so.

I"m very sorry to hear the situation you're living in because it sounds very miserable to me. I hope things will improve for you x

@Idontknowausername

I think he’s entirely within his right to resent you. You’re lucky he’s stayed with you tbh. I don’t think many women on here would stay with their husbands if the roles were reversed.

Wow... you'd better hope you're perfect, in case anybody who matters to you treats you as unkindly as you think OP's husband should have treated her

@Bibidy

Yes, I pick up the tab for takeaways and cinema tickets, otherwise we wouldn't have them.

His debt is the reason we aren't married. I don't want to end up being responsible for his debt, or him having a right to my property and pension (the ones I saved for instead of going on flash holidays and driving expensive cars). I prioritise future financial security over present luxuries and don't see why I should end up being penalised for that.

£8k, not £80k. You were wrong to accrue debt in secret but shit happens, you came clean and have taken responsibility to sort it.

He was entitled to be thoroughly hacked off at the time but is choosing to treat you badly over a debt he could easily clear! Buy your own tampons with your last tenner! Ffs.

You made a mistake but he's a mean man.

In sickness and in health, for richer for poorer!

Why is he not paying more debt than you when he earns so much more?