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Original poster

Husband resents me for debt

999 replies

wishes1111 · 02/02/2021 14:35

Hello

I'll try and explain as briefly as possible.

I was raised by my grandparents and lost them both within 3 years or each other to cancer (in their 60s). I've also had 6 miscarriages during and since.

I have been on antidepressants since age 14 and have a history of anxiety too.

My coping mechanism was to spend, I took loans out, ordered clothes, things I didn't need and racked up nearly £8000 in debt, exchanging my utter sadness and despair for temporary happiness.

After 2 years of paying the minimum payments, I realised I couldn't hide it anymore, interest was rising and I was struggling to cope and was losing the battle of keeping my head above water.

I earn £24,000 a year, my husband earns £40,000.

I admitted it all during a breakdown, he was angry and sad that I'd done this and especially since I'd hid it from him. I fully understood this and took responsibility for my actions. I entered a payment plan with stepchange and have kept up with payments over the past couple of years and it's slowly but surely reducing. I'm paying this myself, as well as £550 for my half of rent and £30 for my phone. The rest, I use for birthday presents, diesel, car insurance and tax and I'm left with little per month. I've also cleared my overdraft in this time.

I have taken no further loans out since entering my plan with stepchange.

My problem is, my Husband resents me for this. He is a saver, he won't spend unless he has to and he saves what he can (which is a good thing). I've tried my hardest to turn my life around and take responsibility.

He said he will resent me until it's all paid off which will be another couple of years. Some days he is lovely, others it's like he's punishing me for my mistakes. Digs here and there, cold towards me, brings up what I did.

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

I feel I can't go on this way, but when he's in a nice mood I love him so much, when he's in his resentful mood he makes me feel low and like he'll never move past it.

I'm waffling, I don't expect people to think he's in the wrong, I get it.

I guess I'm just hoping for a hand hold whilst suffering my latest miscarriage, dealing with a resentful husband and trying my hardest to not fall back into a deep depression x

OP posts:
Marinaloves · 02/02/2021 17:31

HE CHEATED ON YOU.
WTAF

shitinmyhandsandclap · 02/02/2021 17:32

@Bluntness100 you seem determined to keep sticking the knife in

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 02/02/2021 17:32

Why are you allowing your controlling arsehole husband treat you like that? He is suppose to support you not financially and emotionally abuse you.

foxhat · 02/02/2021 17:32

I agree @luxxlisbon

It would be helpful to hear where the money does go as that might help tease out two possibilities 1) OP OH is a tight wad who does not share and does not care that his wife goes without 2) OP is still very profligate with money and her OH is fed up of bailing her out whilst she does not take responsibility for her own spending.

I was confused about the money for tampons. I thought the OP said she would have £10 left to buy tampons and food for a week's worth of lunches. Surely that is enough as lunches could be bought for less than a fiver quite easily leaving fiver for sanitary products. Have I mis-understood?

Nanny0gg · 02/02/2021 17:34

@Idontknowausername

I think he’s entirely within his right to resent you. You’re lucky he’s stayed with you tbh. I don’t think many women on here would stay with their husbands if the roles were reversed.
No. I think he's punishing her for it. He certainly isn't helping (and I don't mean financially)

And even without the debt, the OP shouldn't be paying half the rent on their disparate salaries.

Doesn't sound like there's much love there

MNIS · 02/02/2021 17:35

....

Catconfusion · 02/02/2021 17:35

I’m so sorry op for the loss of your grandparents and the miscarriages. I think your husband is being mean considering you’ve done everything you can to pay back the debt. We all make mistakes and it sounds like you were really vulnerable.

I had to have a difficult conversation with my DH about debt I’d built up while living alone after my ex partner suddenly left. He was really supportive and borrowed extra money through the mortgage so we could pay it down. He didn’t ask many questions, just wanted the stress gone and to support me.

I think it’s important to have a conversation about why he’s treating you like this. He should be paying it off or at least supporting you while you pay it off. It’s not as if you’ve borrowed the money off him and frittered it away. Good luck! Xx

Runmybathforme · 02/02/2021 17:36

I totally understand why he was so angry and resentful, but he needs to get over it. This is what marriage is about, supporting each other through thick and thin. Yes, you did a terrible thing, but no one died. Your spouse should be the one person in the world you can completely rely upon to have your back. In your place, I would feel guilty and remorseful, but you should be proud at how you’ve tried to rectify the situation. I’m not sure I’d feel the same about him after this behaviour.

OhCaptain · 02/02/2021 17:37

@wishes1111 the time to leave was the first time he cheated.

Don't waste any more of your life with this fucking dickhead.

KatyClaire · 02/02/2021 17:38

I think your husband is being a dick. I would pay my husband’s debt in a situation like this in a heartbeat, and he would do the same for me - because we are a team and we love one another. And even worse, he is repeatedly cruel to you even though you’ve taken steps to fix the problem and it doesn’t actually affect him.

This would be a marriage ender for me - I couldn’t live with someone who held a mistake over my head for years and dealt out emotional punishment. I think you deserve better than him.

TwilightSkies · 02/02/2021 17:39

He doesn’t loves you. He’s enjoying treating you badly. He’s CHOOSING to be nasty. He’s actively enjoying making you feel bad and punishing you mentally.

It’s up to you what you do with this information.
I hope you get away from him. It’s not love.

Bibidy · 02/02/2021 17:39

I don't know why people are laying into @Bluntness100 ?

It does say in the OP:

I can't even explain how much I regret doing this but I can't live like this. If I have £10 left for the last week of the month and I need to get something such as tampons or some lunch stuff for work , he tells me to sort it out myself. I understand I'm not his responsibility but this is wearing me down.

He has more than enough in savings to clear my debt. I don't expect him to do that but know in a heartbeat I would do it for him if I knew it was weighing on his shoulders, adding anxiety to his life and and he'd made an effort to change.

Surely this does show that even though OP says she doesn't expect her DH to help or pay for her, she does also resent him a bit in return for not doing that? Which is all Bluntness pointed out.

I am NOT saying OP's DH is right to be horrible and hold this grudge at all, but I would say that there is a bit of unacknowledged upset there from OP's side that he isn't helping her out financially while she pays off her debts, when actually she could make practical changes herself to stop this cropping up.

The first step should be to contact Stepchange and get the payments reduced, rather than take no action and then feel upset that DH won't help at the end of the month. If OP reduced the payments she wouldn't be so stuck each month.

ILikeToMoveItMoveItILikeToMove · 02/02/2021 17:40

@Bluntness100
Some real assumptions being made here. Many of which you have made yourself.

You do love kicking people when they are down don’t you. You have surpassed yourself here and that’s saying something judging by your usual posts. Your posts on this thread seem to centre around criticising the OP who has admitted her mistakes. What about the husband, has he done anything wrong in your eyes or is he a saint? What about the affairs he had in the early days? The OP has managed to forgive that behaviour but he won’t let her mistakes go.
My suggestion would be for you to leave the amateur sleuthing to somebody who can be bothered to see some context in a situation and actually reads all the OP’s posts.

Potentialscrooge · 02/02/2021 17:41

What a horrible man. I’m sorry but that your worrying about sanitary wear and he’s told you it’s your own fault whilst he’s swanning around with savings is not a partnership to me. What kind of husband does that? How long is he going to punish you for? Especially as you’ve now said he cheated in the past and you forgave him.
I would take a really long hard look at the relationship.

MissKhan1990 · 02/02/2021 17:41

Hi, l'm going through the same thing with my husband. He's the one in debt, hid parents arranged loans from family so that he could pay for his own wedding and the marriage ( which means gift) to me

I didn't have any idea until he came to the u.k and told me that in his family this is how things are done. Before that l had never heard of parents in our community getting their kids to pay for their own weddings and the gift is supposed to come from the parents to the daughter in law

Its taken him nearly 2yrs to pay it off, he's almost there. I have had to pay for everything . Rent, food, bills, car insurance, mobile phones. My wage is almost wiped out at the end of the month. I look at it as not having it hanging over us.

I don't resent my husband but its created resentment towards his parents which l can't come to terms with. The presumptio that l would just get on board with it is what angers me the most

WhoStoleMyCheese · 02/02/2021 17:43

Reread more ... you pay the majority of the food and pet bills?£?
He’s mean and screwing you over

Smallgoon · 02/02/2021 17:43

The first step should be to contact Stepchange and get the payments reduced, rather than take no action and then feel upset that DH won't help at the end of the month. If OP reduced the payments she wouldn't be so stuck each month.

Given how much of a selfish arsehole her dh is, I'd imagine he himself has insisted she pay back the amount she is paying (as a form of punishment), in the hope she can clear the debt as soon as possible, and not feel so resentful. Reality is he'll find another reason to be resentful.

Bibidy · 02/02/2021 17:44

[quote ILikeToMoveItMoveItILikeToMove]@Bluntness100
Some real assumptions being made here. Many of which you have made yourself.

You do love kicking people when they are down don’t you. You have surpassed yourself here and that’s saying something judging by your usual posts. Your posts on this thread seem to centre around criticising the OP who has admitted her mistakes. What about the husband, has he done anything wrong in your eyes or is he a saint? What about the affairs he had in the early days? The OP has managed to forgive that behaviour but he won’t let her mistakes go.
My suggestion would be for you to leave the amateur sleuthing to somebody who can be bothered to see some context in a situation and actually reads all the OP’s posts.[/quote]
In fairness, the 'affairs' OP's DH had were when they were teenagers! Can that even be classed as an 'affair'?! Cheating, yes. But they were kids.

OP has totally admitted her mistakes and that is fab. She is paying her debts and doing her best, but equally there is still a bit of resentment there that her DH isn't picking up some of the finances for her, and while she is dwelling on that she is ignoring that she could reduce her payments and make things easier for herself.

His attitude towards her is something I'd tackle after I'd made that change to the payments. He shouldn't be cruel.

whittingtonmum · 02/02/2021 17:44

I can understand being angry if a partner has hidden debt in a marriage and have an expectation that they sort it out themselves.

What is absolutely not ok is to harbour this simmering resentment and hold it over your partners head constantly. He needs to let it go. If he can't he or both of you could try counselling. If the resentment doesn't change I can't see how this relationship can recover. Very unhealthy dynamic so I would be thinking of moving on.

Akire · 02/02/2021 17:45

It’s not really the same thing is it. OP is paying her half of living costs and if she wasn’t paying off the debt she could easily be spending it on a hobby. The OP husband can still carry on living his Life as normal.

sansou · 02/02/2021 17:46

I totally get that it's your responsibility to pay back your £8K debt. I do think that you could scrutinise your outgoings more because after rent & mobile, you'll still have £1000pm. Why are you paying for ALL the council tax as well as ALL the food? Even paying 60:40 on that means that you can throw more onto your debt repayments. To be honest, if DH took over paying this, this would make a massive difference to your repayment schedule.

If you list your outgoings like in a statement of means, it also means clarifying essentials/non essentials. Get rid of non essential spending/reduce your budget for certain categories e.g £10 less per week on the weekly shop means £40 more to throw at your debt. We're in lockdown, it shouldn't be THAT hard to reduce your spending. Tape a reminder on your credit card! Good Luck. You can do it!

Bibidy · 02/02/2021 17:46

@Smallgoon

The first step should be to contact Stepchange and get the payments reduced, rather than take no action and then feel upset that DH won't help at the end of the month. If OP reduced the payments she wouldn't be so stuck each month.

Given how much of a selfish arsehole her dh is, I'd imagine he himself has insisted she pay back the amount she is paying (as a form of punishment), in the hope she can clear the debt as soon as possible, and not feel so resentful. Reality is he'll find another reason to be resentful.

I don't think that's how Stepchange works though, they wouldn't let someone pay something that was unsustainable, that defeats the object and leaves them vulnerable to more debt.

It's more likely that the arrangement made with Stepchange suited OP's finances at the time but now it doesn't for whatever reason. Maybe OP's rent and bills have gone up?

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 17:46

I’ve no clue why folks are upset about what I’m saying, I’ve been very clear he either puts up and shuts up or leaves,but I am also saying this isn’t quite as presented, that’s not putting the boot in and the op is quite free to come back and explain why she’s only thirty quid a month, how the numbers stack up and when she built this debt up, how long for and the implications it’s had on him, ie did he think they’d be saving dor a house etc

Suzi888 · 02/02/2021 17:47

I’m sorry for the miscarriages and the death of your parents. It’s great you have accepted you have a problem and have taken steps to address it.

However, if it were my DH who had racked up the debt I wouldn’t want to use my savings to bail him out. Saying that I wouldn’t keep bringing the debt up and would pay for (pre covid) meals out, holidays, concerts and other bits.

Ihatefish · 02/02/2021 17:47

Blimey he is well out of order treating you like this. You have taken responsibility, you are sorting this out. People make mistakes. Tell him to stop behaving like such a dick the problem is being sorted. Did I read it right when you said he wouldn’t give you money for tampons?

I suspect when the debt is paid off he will find something else to be abusive about to undermine you. It’s him that needs to sort himself out not you. It’s £8k not £100k.