MIL actively discouraging education

[GigglingLondoner]

NC for this. MIL benchmarks people. Usually ‘So and so got such a degree’ or something. So she takes education very seriously. Almost too seriously, they might have done nothing else but hey - they did that. They were in that set at school, or they know about this or that academic minutia. Indeed, it’s always been so important that anyone who achieved (especially monetary) success in a non academic field (like business) is actually inferior. My family had a lot of success in such an inferior manner which she bitterly resents.

So to the issue, SIL spends a lot of tine ramming the genius of her DC down everyone’s throats, something MIL participates in fully. MIL tells me more about them than asks about ours. As it goes, ours do nicely thank you very much but we just let their own progress speak for itself. I don’t feel the need to be do aggressive about it, especially considering the advantages they are at because of said inferior but non the less ever present legacy they can tap into unlike SIL’s kids (or her which again she bitterly resents).

So to the issue, so whilst MIL standard and well documented view is that education is the bee all and end all - even down to the very vocal joy she expressed as recently as even last week that SILs kids will be at such an advantage as they are so old in their year - she has almost taken to actively discouraging education with us: ‘if they don’t do well this year what does it matter?’ And ‘if they repeat a year or don’t quite manage to do this or that, it’s not important’. ‘It’s much more important that they just play’.

Now all kids are in primary, and if she had this view generally I would think she was pretty balanced but she seems to have one set view for everyone but us, where her view is almost at odds. So aibu to feel pissed off? That she is almost undermining? Like kids who say ‘it’s not cool to work’ whilst studying hard themselves in a bid to get ahead....(Not that it will work cos we would never listen to something so stupid). Or am I being far too sensitive and actually she’s just being a kind old grandma?

I don't get it. Play is the most important thing for young children right now?

Also - bee all and end all did make me chuckle

She’s probably just trying to reassure parents who know their children are (essentially) losing a year to 18 months of their precious education.

I think you're reading a lot into some pretty innocuous comments because you dislike your MIL. It's unlikely that this is a devious plot to encourage your children to fail so SIL's can shine, and more likely to be generic reassurance, especially at the moment.

Ignore and just get on with the way you want to parent. It does sound like she is getting to you a bit. Smile sweetly then change topics

How did your husband do in school, could she feel bad that she pushed him too much? Is she worried that your dc might have dyslexia or similar if he struggled? I am trying to be generous to her and think of other reasons why she might have this disparity.

I wouldjust brush it off casually with the occasional comment like 'oh no need to worry about that, Amelia is on the top table' or some similar comment but then refuse to be drawn more on it.

So what you're saying is that she's written your kids off over their cousins. Shitty, but nothing you can do about it. If it were me I'd play the long game. Keep quiet until SIL's side all have burn out and yours ace their degrees. Then one carefully dropped comment will be all the revenge you need

Are SIL’s children in upper primary and yours in EYFS?

Maybe shes realised that push education at this point may make some people feel shitty and is trying to be nice

Is she not just trying to imply that your kids are thick/not going to manage to keep up this year rather than discouraging you from educating? That's how what you've said reads to me.

If they are all at primary this is all rather bonkers though isn’t it?!

She doesn't want your DC to achieve more academically more than SILs would be my assumption.

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

I think you're being far too sensitive, and are fitting everything she says into your own preconceptions.

There is no way she can ever be right, in your eyes, because your opinion of her is settled and you are even seeking validation of your version. She prizes education - so what? She's uninterested in your family's business - again, so what?

And now she's being sensible about school progress during pandemic, you're finding ways for that to be wrong too.

You really need to stop comparing yourself to SIL, and accept that MIL exchanges news about other members of the family, because it's a normal thing to do.

I think this would piss me off too. It sounds like she's ultra competitive around educational achievement and she wants her DD's children to outperform yours, so she's clumsily trying to scupper their chances. Some people are so weird.

Smile, change the subject, shrug it off.

She sounds boring - tell her so!

My response, for what it’s worth, was that absolutely it’s important to take things easy and wondered if she had spoken to SIL about a more relaxed journey going forward as it probably was the tight direction to take. She then admitted she had made no such conversation with SIL

Apart from the fact she seems a bit success obsessed/too interested in others I’m not sure what the issue is. Her comments about repeating a year/focus on play are surely her trying to be nice and reassure you about current home schooling rather than insinuating your kids are thick. 🤷‍♀️

She’s not discouraging education, she’s responding to the Covid situation and impact on kids.

You’re not in competition with your sister in law. Stop acting like you are.

I wonder if she is trying to bond with you. You say you let their achievements speak for themselves - maybe she is trying to reflect (clumsily) that she agrees with you?

You also mention your children have advantages over your SILs - I wonder if she is trying to reassure her own daughter that her kids will be fine. I couldn't hold this against anyone, even if it was annoying to me.

I know exactly what you are saying and I don’t think you’re misreading the situation at all. Your MIL is resentful that your side of the family y have done well for themselves in spite of not having the degrees/education she values so highly. So she is actively discouraging your children to focus on their education as she wants her daughters children to shine over yours.

She’s not a nice lady. You see her.

It does sound like she wants sils kids to be ahead of yours.
Just agree with her and keep educating your kids.

To be honest, do you think you might come across as pushy or worried about it (as you seem fixated on someone else's kids supposed genius)? And she's trying to reassure you? How old are kids?

@GigglingLondoner

My response, for what it’s worth, was that absolutely it’s important to take things easy and wondered if she had spoken to SIL about a more relaxed journey going forward as it probably was the tight direction to take. She then admitted she had made no such conversation with SIL

Why would that be your first response??

Sometimes I'm glad I don't have sons!!

I thought your thread was going to be about older children moving on to college or uni. I think you are reading far, far to much into this.

She might not feel she needs to discuss this with sil. Do the cousins go to different schools? Is there a marked difference in the provision? Maybe sil kids school in her opinion is providing better online learning and she is trying to reassure you/herself that at this age it doesn't matter?

This is written slightly strangely.