MIL actively discouraging education

[GigglingLondoner]

NC for this. MIL benchmarks people. Usually ‘So and so got such a degree’ or something. So she takes education very seriously. Almost too seriously, they might have done nothing else but hey - they did that. They were in that set at school, or they know about this or that academic minutia. Indeed, it’s always been so important that anyone who achieved (especially monetary) success in a non academic field (like business) is actually inferior. My family had a lot of success in such an inferior manner which she bitterly resents.

So to the issue, SIL spends a lot of tine ramming the genius of her DC down everyone’s throats, something MIL participates in fully. MIL tells me more about them than asks about ours. As it goes, ours do nicely thank you very much but we just let their own progress speak for itself. I don’t feel the need to be do aggressive about it, especially considering the advantages they are at because of said inferior but non the less ever present legacy they can tap into unlike SIL’s kids (or her which again she bitterly resents).

So to the issue, so whilst MIL standard and well documented view is that education is the bee all and end all - even down to the very vocal joy she expressed as recently as even last week that SILs kids will be at such an advantage as they are so old in their year - she has almost taken to actively discouraging education with us: ‘if they don’t do well this year what does it matter?’ And ‘if they repeat a year or don’t quite manage to do this or that, it’s not important’. ‘It’s much more important that they just play’.

Now all kids are in primary, and if she had this view generally I would think she was pretty balanced but she seems to have one set view for everyone but us, where her view is almost at odds. So aibu to feel pissed off? That she is almost undermining? Like kids who say ‘it’s not cool to work’ whilst studying hard themselves in a bid to get ahead....(Not that it will work cos we would never listen to something so stupid). Or am I being far too sensitive and actually she’s just being a kind old grandma?

We were the “did better than expected from a poor state school” cousins while another cousin went private and now is at law school, another left school at 16. Our parents/grandparents pointedly avoided comparing us, the only one who did this was the private school mum...

@GigglingLondoner

At no point have I said education is not important. What I have said is I don’t go in for ramming childhood successes down other peoples throats as it just makes me roll my eyes and wonder what those kids will be doing in 10 or 20 years time.

We pay for the kids fees but there are other financial benefits the kids get that I won’t go into them or it’ll be all about the stealth brag which this wasn’t meant to be. It was meant to be about a marked and specific opinion change to her usual views and, yes there is Covid but I did miss out saying that she wasn’t being particularly Covid specific - that Scandinavian kids start education much later.

Your kids sound as though they have enough advantages in life - they and you don't need everyone to think they are amazing as well.

Yes she’s chippy just ignore her - my son is at private however he is not academic and you can see some friends when they say about their kids exam achievements they are thinking wow all that money on his education and he didn’t get better grades than that.
I don’t care now though he wants to be a hairdresser and that’s fine by me as long as he’s happy and if people do comment on his aspirations and don’t I feal the money was a waste I just do a tinkly little laugh and say but he has fabulous manners and is very well connected don’t cha know. Some people are so chippy about private schools from jealousy just ignore

@Conkergame

OP I get it. I think the people here saying you have a chip on your shoulder aren’t from a family where some kids are privately educated and others aren’t. We have a similar thing in our family (this isn’t personal as DH and I don’t have kids yet) - the couple whose kids are at state have a HUGE chip on their shoulder about it and are always making digs at the family whose kids are at private.

It’s awkward because of course the kids at private do have a big advantage. But what exactly were their parents supposed to do about that? Not send their kids to the school they thought was best for them because the cousins’ family couldn’t afford it?! No way! Everyone does the best they can for their kids, based on their values and the money available.

So basically I’m saying YANBU - they are clearly jealous of the advantage your kids are at. It’s a real shame they are jealous of you rather than being happy for you (again, not personal - the sibling with the private school kids in our family also has a much bigger house than we can afford but I’m very happy for them!) BUT seeing as you are in the stronger position here I would be gracious and just nod and smile whenever MIL brings education up. Then change the subject. As PP said, if the other kids are mentioned, just say “yes they’re doing so well, they’re great kids”. Then they have no true ammunition against you. Try to let DH deal with them - they’re his family!

That’s interesting. I’m one of the posters who said she has a chip on her shoulder. We have that in our family - one set of cousins went to private school and mind dc don’t, nor did the other set. It does annoy me, but it’s not jealousy. It’s because we believe in the state system. We could have chosen private but didn’t. We don’t like the view that some children have money spent on their education and others don’t. We don’t agree that private is “better” (both working in ed ourselves we have colleagues in both private and state). Incidentally the state set of cousins have done much “better” in terms of results, quals, further ed and jobs. Mine are too young to say yet. So when people choose private school I wonder why they waste their money. I wonder why they think their dc deserve what they perceived as “better” but Jenny down the road doesn’t. If they used the local school and donated even half the fees they would’ve paid, imagine the facilities that comp could have! So, any comments my sil may have had from me on the subject of private education would be coloured by all this. It’s not something we argue about, btw, I keep coversation about it fairly bland. But if it does come up she might pick up on something in my tone I guess? I’m hazarding a guess that might be what’s going on with your mil.

I would suspect that on some level she is pissed off that your kids are benefiting from the 'ill-gained' monetary rewards of your parents' non-academic background, so is (either deliberately or unintentionally) trying to put you back in your box. It would perhaps please her if SIL's state-educated children did better academically than yours.

Just read your update.

I really can't work out what you want from your m-i-l.

• validation that your children have enormous benefits owing to your family having money?
• not to hear anything about s-i-l's children?
• validation that your children are better than S-i-l's children?
• validation that you are best?

You can see why she might not go down that route, surely?

Again, she sounds blandly polite.

And, again, I suspect she takes the route of being blandly polite with you because she senses you are quite a dominating character, who brooks no challenge to her choices and worldview and perhaps accepts nothing other than slavish obeisance from those admitted to the inner circle of acquaintance.

There's no particular reason why you should practise tolerance or differences of opinion. Many people go through life just like that.
Likewise, there's no reason particularly to recognise the fact that other people have a right to autonomous and differing values and modes of interacting.
However, it will make for bumpy relationships with people who are forced into your life.
We choose most of our acquaintance and they choose us.
One of the few places this isn't true is when marriage brings people into our lives and keeps them in a relationship of closeness with us.

Looking forwards, you are going to have to manage relationships with your children's future partners.

One way of looking at your relationship with your M-I-l is as a practice-ground for how you will manage relations with your children's future partners.

Granting psychological space and recognising the value of polite exchange might be a good way forwards.

I think it is all about pigeonholing kids (clever, sporty, artistic...).

So, she has decided SiL (so HER blood dominates) has clever, academic children.

You (so YOUR family's business blood dominates) are not academic.

But it isn't happening the way she believed so now she is trying to make it happen.

I remember my parents' bewilderment when business twin beat horse riding twin in a charity horse event. You can be good at more than one thing and their pigeonholing of us caused lasting damage.

@CallmeAngelina

I would suspect that on some level she is pissed off that your kids are benefiting from the 'ill-gained' monetary rewards of your parents' non-academic background, so is (either deliberately or unintentionally) trying to put you back in your box. It would perhaps please her if SIL's state-educated children did better academically than yours.

Rubbish.

She probably has no idea how to talk to her DIL about education as by the DILS own admission she doesn't tell her anything about them. Perhaps she thinks your private school isn't great. Perhaps she doesn't agree with private school. Perhaps she feels she'd like to support her dd more openly as she doesn't want her to feel disadvantaged.

What does your dh think as she's his mum after all

My own dm blatantly told me that it was unfair that my dh had a better career than my db.
My db had been to uni. My dh hadn't.
My db and his dw frittered money away, we were careful. When our dc needed anything the money was there.
My dm could only see that her darling db should have had our lives and openly wished she could reverse the situation.
Some parents really are jealous on behalf of their golden dc.

I mean... is it possible that as you are so much richer than your SIL and your children are in private school, your MIL and SIL are not trying to do you down but just shore up their own sense of self worth by focusing in a positive way on what they can excel at - eg education.

If you could step back and think of a kind interpretation, you might find your own inner life has more kindness in it.

So if she's picking up that you don't like academic talk - as you've said here you clearly dislike it - it could be that she's trying to in a positive way reflect you here.

Poor MIL.

You sound like a stuck up snob to be honest, who wants to lord the fact that your parent’s have pots of money compared to your less well off in-laws.

If I was your MIL, I’d feel sorry for your children too.

I’m finding this all a bit muddling and can’t really follow what you’re saying or what you want from the post and for that matter, your mother in law.

Initially I thought you were writing in such a strange way to make up for a ‘lack of education’ alongside an affluent and privileged lifestyle. Trying to fit in, as it were.

But I’m not sure now.

I can’t work out if you’re bragging, stirring up a private vs state debate, have an education chip on your shoulder (it’s never too late to study) or if you hate your mother in law, or what.

My advice, though I don’t really understand the problem, is to smile, nod and move on. Acknowledge your privilege and raise your children to be gracious. HTH.

Yes poor MIL. Poor your children that you appear to value academic success and learning so little. It’s not mother in law who is discouraging education; it’s you.
Maybe your own limitations make you insecure?

Why did you send your DC to private school? That might reveal a lot.

She’s jealous that what she perceives as a “less than” family can send her grandchildren to private schools yet the golden child’s children cannot.

I think she's probably trying to level the playing field between all of her grandkids because yours attend a private school. She's probably trying to make her daughter feel better than to make you feel bad if you know what mean? That will be why they mentioned SILs childrens academic achievements so much.

You mentioned a few times about your MIL being bitter? It sounds as if there is no love lost on either side so I'd maybe just take a step back and avoid being in that situation with her, let your husband manage that relationship going forward as it's not bringing out the best in either you, your MIL or your SIL

Could be that she is differentiating the kids, or could be she’s trying to reassure you not to worry.

But either way I’d just brush it off and carry on -

a more relaxed journey going forward

Do people really talk like this to their family?

And do they really expend so much energy worrying about what their MIL says?

OP, I'd take a deep breath and think less about this.

@GigglingLondoner

My response, for what it’s worth, was that absolutely it’s important to take things easy and wondered if she had spoken to SIL about a more relaxed journey going forward as it probably was the tight direction to take. She then admitted she had made no such conversation with SIL

You sound really defensive. Can’t see what she’s done wrong or says wrong.

Lockdown’s rubbish for education surely she’s just agreeing with that

Gosh you sound like awfully hard work. Poor mil.

stellaroses one set of cousins went to private school and mind dc don’t, nor did the other set. It does annoy me, but it’s not jealousy. It’s because we believe in the state system. We could have chosen private but didn’t

Your post could almost be my experience. We also chose state over private. We committed the double sin (in my sibling-iL's view) of rejecting a highly academic state grammar an hour's commute away in favour of the local comp.

Mine are the youngest of the cousins, all are now through main education. Ours all did well academically, very good unis and established in early stages of professional careers.

Of the privately educated cousins one went to a good uni and has done very well, two went to middling good unis and have made gradual but perfectly respectable progress in work, three never went to uni. One had special needs (she is the one who actually benefited from private education frankly). Two have drifted from job to job and approaching their 40s still have never really settled to anything but retaini an unerring sense of entitlement.

It has never stopped comments about "but just think what could have been if you had taken the private route". I just ignore it, from my PoV my DC make their own argument.

I bet your the type of person that’s ‘says it as it is’

She's rightly or wrongly trying to even up the playing field between all her grandkids. Encouraging and pushing the less privileged ones and trying to stall the obvious greater progress your kids will be making with smaller classes, greater lockdown provision etc. Her motivation probably isn't favoritism, just equality.

Ignore and see the positives in this.

You know, this is one of the things I really love MN for. It really do strayed the truth that you cannot live your life as a 'people-pleaser'.
Because, try as you might, it is impossible to please everyone.
There is simply no way to behave that cannot prompt a feeling of offence in someone.
There is no behaviour so anodyne that it cannot cause ire in someone.

MN showed me that the ways to cause offence have an unimaginable multiplicity.

People have extraordinarily different value systems and codes of behaviour.

And you just have to accept that.

Which is both fascinating and - ultimately - liberating. (Once you get past the paranoia that you have annoyed many people by cheerily wishing them, 'Good morning,' of a day.)