MIL actively discouraging education

[GigglingLondoner]

NC for this. MIL benchmarks people. Usually ‘So and so got such a degree’ or something. So she takes education very seriously. Almost too seriously, they might have done nothing else but hey - they did that. They were in that set at school, or they know about this or that academic minutia. Indeed, it’s always been so important that anyone who achieved (especially monetary) success in a non academic field (like business) is actually inferior. My family had a lot of success in such an inferior manner which she bitterly resents.

So to the issue, SIL spends a lot of tine ramming the genius of her DC down everyone’s throats, something MIL participates in fully. MIL tells me more about them than asks about ours. As it goes, ours do nicely thank you very much but we just let their own progress speak for itself. I don’t feel the need to be do aggressive about it, especially considering the advantages they are at because of said inferior but non the less ever present legacy they can tap into unlike SIL’s kids (or her which again she bitterly resents).

So to the issue, so whilst MIL standard and well documented view is that education is the bee all and end all - even down to the very vocal joy she expressed as recently as even last week that SILs kids will be at such an advantage as they are so old in their year - she has almost taken to actively discouraging education with us: ‘if they don’t do well this year what does it matter?’ And ‘if they repeat a year or don’t quite manage to do this or that, it’s not important’. ‘It’s much more important that they just play’.

Now all kids are in primary, and if she had this view generally I would think she was pretty balanced but she seems to have one set view for everyone but us, where her view is almost at odds. So aibu to feel pissed off? That she is almost undermining? Like kids who say ‘it’s not cool to work’ whilst studying hard themselves in a bid to get ahead....(Not that it will work cos we would never listen to something so stupid). Or am I being far too sensitive and actually she’s just being a kind old grandma?

She sounds like she’s trying to appease you and your anti-education stance.

Tbh even from your post it seems as though the person doing the comparing is you

So, she says "it's more important for primary kids to play at this stage"
You sound very jealous of your SIL. And a bit like an interrogator with the police. "She then admitted she had had no such conversation.."
She probably thinks you're a bit paranoid tbh.

I don’t think so. I think Education is very important too. And I’d be a bit happy (secretly) at my children being on the older end of the age group in a primary class. But I also agree with the fact that in primary, it’s not a big deal if they have to repeat a year or if they don’t do so well in one primary year because it’s primary school. Children mature and develop at different rates at that age but they all generally catch up to same point around ten years old.

So I don’t see her as having conflicting views about education?

I know where you're coming from OP, but actually, sounds to me like she's preparing the way for SiL's to not have done as well as predicted......
But secondly, awful awful awful the whole thing. Try to properly disengage and think about something nice. Spring is on it's way...

If anything the better provision would be for mine. Ours are private, SIL state.

Don't engage with her on this. Just respond so noncommittally that you give her nothing to go on. Change the subject whenever you can or remove yourself altogether from the phone calls with her and leave them to DH. I have a MIL like yours. This worked for me.

You’ve got an ENORMOUS chip in your shoulder about this.

Whether your MIL genuinely thinks like this, or whether it’s something you’re projecting due to your own comparative insecurities, it doesn’t matter.

Ignore it, tune it out, get on with living your own life your own way. You can’t control what another person thinks or does, you can only control your own reaction to it. And your fixation on this does say quite a lot about your own insecurities about this issue.

It was my response because I didn’t want to rise to anything she was saying.

I was going to ask if yours are in a private school as you say they benefit from your parents money.

It’s obvious you have issues with her, but also your response to her seams like you are trying to pick at her too, just smile and nod would be my advice.

It’s not a fixation. It’s a post about a situation that pissed me off and I wanted to gauge a bit of anonymous opinion on

Well that’s quite a drip feed

@PurpleWh1teGreen

Well that’s quite a drip feed

Indeed. Best way to spice up a stealthy ‘state vs private’ froth is to add some anti-MIL flavour for good measure.

MIL probably has the green eyed monster because despite your "uneducated" (in her eyes) background your DC are likely to do far better in life as your DC will have connections as well as their academic achievements.

Your family achievements must stick in her throat when it's been via an education and career she seems worthless. One of her core beliefs challenged.

@GigglingLondoner

If anything the better provision would be for mine. Ours are private, SIL state.

Can you really not rise above anything you see as a slight op? Your children are far more advantaged than her other gcs.

I think she's just trying to find common ground to bond with you.

The comments about play etc. this year are bland, innocuous and clearly intended to be reassuring.

They're hardly outlier sentiments.

I mean, come in, what would you have her say?

You can do very little about the pandemic. The situation is what it is. Do you want her phoning you in tears, interrogating you as to what learning you've done with them? Wailing about how they'll never recover from this year unless you and your DH are putting in educational hours with them?

Can you imagine how stressful that would be?

I really think you're projecting wildly and creating a problem in your life that doesn't exist.

I mean, imagine if she was taking the alternative route, being educationally obsessive:

How many educational hours are you putting in, OP? Remember, you have to ensure they're covering work they would normally cover plus the top-up work that a good, committed parent would normally be adding to that, 1:1.

These are hugely important years. If they miss out the foundations, they might never recover. And we live in a knowledge economy now - which is only going to intensify after the pandemic ends.

Children are going to emerge from this hugely stratified, with no way to close huge gaps - you have to make sure your children are on the right side of that gap.

If your MIL favours her daughters children over yours then yours could win the Nobel Peace Prize and it wouldn’t alter that basic fact.

If you think those children are favoured I would try to accept it, really accept it, so you don’t pit the children in competition with each other when they shouldn’t be. If you are told of their achievements I would try to take the line “that’s great - they’re great kids”. You know your kids are great. I’m sure your family value them highly if they are helping to pay for their education. You don’t need to fight for recognition or compliments from MIL. If she doesn’t appreciate them, not just for how great they are, but unconditionally - then more fool her.

My greatest hope for my kids is that they will be happy and that is the most important measure of success by far. I’m sure there are plenty of unhappy high achievers whether financially or academically. The best gift you can give them is to love them just for being themselves.

I think you probably are reading too much into this. What she says is hardly discouraging education.

I am a bit at the poster who thinks she might think differently about your children if they have dyslexia, though. Why wouldn't dyslexic children need to be educated/be capable of achieving academically?

perhaps she read an article in the paper about it and is quoting from it

I knew from your first post that yours would be at private school and the SIL’s at state school. That’s what this is all about. MIL thinks SIL’s children are at a disadvantage, and therefore it’s more important that they work hard and achieve. Your DC won’t need to so much because they have the backing of family money to smooth their way. That is what she will be thinking.

@AuntieStella

I think you're being far too sensitive, and are fitting everything she says into your own preconceptions.

There is no way she can ever be right, in your eyes, because your opinion of her is settled and you are even seeking validation of your version. She prizes education - so what? She's uninterested in your family's business - again, so what?

And now she's being sensible about school progress during pandemic, you're finding ways for that to be wrong too.

You really need to stop comparing yourself to SIL, and accept that MIL exchanges news about other members of the family, because it's a normal thing to do.

This!

your dc are educated privately?
that is unequal then isnt it.

You're far too sensitive- don't get obsessed over SIL and her children or mil trying to minimize the covid stress. You concentrate on you and yours.

@Ileflottante

This is written slightly strangely.

Yup.

I would guess, given your comment “If anything, the better provision...”, that you have made comments about private being better. That would really get my back up if we were family. She just wants to make sure you know that sil’s children aren’t doing badly in state.

Also, you write very strangely.